One Year Ago

I've been trying to delete my old aol journal for some time now, but I find it difficult to let some things disappear into the cyber oblivion. This is a day early, but here's the entry from one year ago:

Monday, March 28, 2005
Subject: Shocked and Rocked
Time: 7:33:00 PM EST
Author: ramskates
Mood: Worried
Music: I'm at a loss as to what I need to hear right now.


Well, as for commenting on that horoscope all I can say is that yeah, change occurred today, but not in any way that I ever imagined. And not in a good way as far as I can tell at this point. How could having your beautiful, perfect dream car smashed be a positive change? Is it some kind of punishment for loving a thing so much? It's not like I loved it more than my kids or husband or anything like that. And why was I so quick to blame myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong car? I know that I think that I should know everything that is going to happen and therefore be able to avoid or prevent them. But this was something that truly took me by surprise. I had general feelings of anxiety and concern this morning and debated taking the Corvette out. I decided that I would take it because I was planning on driving a good bit getting some stuff to get my pictures ready for the Dogwood Arts thing. With gas so expensive I thought I would save a little gas by not driving the Expedition. HA!! Saved a little gas for sure. Stupid reasons for doing things. I'm so disappointed. Shook up. Shocked. Heartbroken. Sick. This really rocked my world, and not in a good way.

So tonight I'm on my way to pickling myself with White Russians. I might just add a little herb to the mixture too. I know it doesn't solve anything or accomplish anything other than probably making me sick. But sometimes you have to pour fuel on a fire. Sometimes you have to put salt on the cut. And sometimes you have to say what the Fuck?!!

So what the fuck!

I do feel sorry for the woman who hit me. She's having a run of really bad luck. She was so apologetic and she even called this afternoon to see if I was okay. I know she's probably worried that I'm going to try to sue her or something. But I'm not that kind of person. I'm not hurt and I trust that the insurance will cover things. She just moved here from Texas and is having a disaster every day. I hope she's going to be okay.

Anyway, so yeah, this week has started out with a bang and I'll definitely remember it for a long time to come. I wonder what other surprises are in store. Please, if there are any others let them be pleasant. What was that sign I was asking for? I'll have to look back and see what I was wanting. I'm going to stop asking for anything.

The irony of asking for signs and getting what you'd never imagined is a humbling experience. It's that same idea that your prayers are always answered but that sometimes those answers come in forms we don't recognize or don't appreciate or like. In the weeks before this entry last year I had been musing about changes and signs and had "asked" for something big and surprising to happen. In my hubris I expected that I could challenge the Universe and win. HA! Well, like in all the old cartoons and things that have the mischievous genie granting wishes in some off-hand way I got my big surprise. But all's well that ends well. I learned some hard lessons from that experience, and isn't that the point of life anyway?