Midlife Equity

I'm really rusty on this writing thing but here goes.

It's been nearly 20 years since I started this blog. That feels strange. Twenty years has flashed by so fast. So much has happened. Kids have grown and flourished into their own adult lives. No grandchildren yet, but maybe in a few years. I've had heartbreaks and recoveries and times of feeling like I just didn't care about much anymore. But now at 56 I'm feeling that midlife urgency to get things done and taken care of while I'm still here and able. Not to be morbid but if I'm average I've only got another 20 or so years of life, and that 20 years will go ever faster than the last 20. Priorities are shifting. Focus is much less on the future. It is on right now. Time is even more precious than ever. No more wasting time waiting for things to get done or waiting for other people to get their shit together or whatever. 

I feel like I've built up a bit of life equity. I'm talking about the value accumulated over time based on the difference between liabilities spent vs. assets gained. I'm been the bookkeeper for our business for the last 26 years so I just think of things in those kinds of terms. I'm not talking about the current use of the term equity as some social concept to justify discrimination against high achievers because it's not "fair" that some people do better in life than others. That's just life, people. I always wished I could be a rock star or super model but I don't have the talent or physical beauty for required. Painful as that realization was, it was what I had to accept. Anyway, life is not "fair" and everyone just needs to do their own best without trying to bring others down to their level just to feel better about it. 

My own equity I'm talking about does have social aspect but it is much more personal and intertwined with my marriage/partnership. All the years that I didn't spend money on things like getting my nails done all the time, designer clothes, or whatever other shopping/spending habits that others choose has created a type of savings account with this equity. (No judgment on those who do spend their "capital" on that stuff - it just hasn't been a priority for me.) I know this might sound "transactional" to some. That's another current buzzword to criticize certain ways of thinking. Well, at its most fundamental level life is purely transactional - input/output and exchange are the process of life itself. The sun gives the energy it got from its creation to all the plants and organisms on earth that then use that energy to grow themselves and then we use them to grow ourselves and we all convert that energy into other products that other things use to grow themselves and on and on and on. It's a cycle of exchange. Long term partnerships naturally involved lots of sharing and exchanging. Certainly, there are some things like emotions that don't necessarily work best under a transactional structure. I might get into that later. Sorry, I tend to go off on these tangents. 

Back to relationship equity. Over the 33 years of my marriage I've accumulated a bit of savings where I wasn't spending everything all the time. Now I'm looking at things that need attention. As things age they need repairs and maintenance. A lot of people my age decide to spend their equity on fixing their bodies with plastic surgeries or other procedures to look younger or whatever. And again, no judgment on that, but it's not my concern. Well, yeah, sometimes I think about having some "work" done on myself for appearance's sake, but not too seriously because that just hasn't been a thing for me ever so why start now? There's a lot of life baggage (similar to equity but undesired accumulation) connected to physical appearance. Growing up I was never told I was attractive. My appearance just wasn't important except that I was never thin enough. I was either invisible or too big. This probably explains my lack of desire to maintain appearances over my life. What's to maintain if you never had it? Sorry, another tangent. 

So instead of spending my equity on myself I am beginning to spend it on some big home maintenance projects. As a homemaker (along with the bookkeeping as my "career") home is super important. The state of our homes is often a reflection of the conditions of other aspects of our lives. This isn't necessarily a direct correlation. Sometimes people with the most immaculate homes have the most fucked up lives and relationships. And sometimes the most modest and ordinary homes have the happiest families. Clutter and mess isn't always a sign of dysfunction. It's often a sign of people living full lives. My house is generally clean but it is a working home. We work here and from here and it's all functional and lived in. I do like some nice things but it's just not all for show. (Just like my personal appearance.) But over time things wear out and need work to repair and maintain them. This year I've had the exterior painted professionally for the first time since we built the house in 2001. The cedar siding had been cleaned and sealed a few times over the years but it was always DIY and not necessarily done that well. Cedar is beautiful when it's new and newly pressure washed to remove the natural tannin stains that turn it gray-to-black. But it never keeps that fresh-cut look. It wants to be black. So I said "paint it black." Well, it's not pure black, which I would have liked just fine. It's a very dark gray, kind of charcoal color - the darkest that Sherwin-Williams makes - Black Alder - I think is the name. It looks awesome. I love it. It was a big job and cost a pretty penny but I had that equity and used it. 

Another big job that has needed to be done for over a decade is having the wrought iron pool fence painted. We put in the pool and fence 16 years ago and it's all held up pretty well, but as iron will do it had some rust and other issues. Last year I had a couple of posts and a gate replaced and there are a few more posts that will need replaced next year. But for so many years I've had getting it painted on the to-do list. That never was a real DIY option. So I finally just made the call and found the absolute best people to get that done. I am so happy with it! It's almost like having a brand new fence. It wasn't cheap. Getting it painted the right way was almost as much as getting it originally installed. But with Bidenflation it was really probably about a third (or even a quarter maybe) of what it would cost to install new now.

Having these things taken care of have energized me. Spending that equity on my home and surroundings has made me feel like the state of our home better reflects the state of our lives. There are several other projects that need to be done in the next year or so. The equity isn't all used up yet but I don't want to deplete it completely. There's another big painting job that I want done professional this year, and then the other projects are more DIY friendly. Spending on home maintenance seems like a much better investment than plastic surgery or whatever because barring some major natural disaster or something like that, this house will be here a lot longer than I will. It is an asset for my children. My body is not meant to be a legacy. It has already done its creating.         

The Tragic Religion of Rationality

Scientists (and some others) like to tell us that ours is a world that can be understood and experienced through rationality alone. Well, you know what? They are wrong. Our world is not purely rational and to expect it to be is some kind of delusion of grandeur and narcissism. Some scientists have discovered that our universe does not actually behave as they expect it too according to their "laws" and principles, and some therefore imply that the universe is somehow behaving "unnaturally" or something. Okay, maybe I really am that dumb, but I would think that if your laws and principles don't match your experience then it's not the experiences that are faulty. It is the expectations that are faulty. You see, human "rationality" is not infallible and it is not ever going to completely agree with the whole of reality. Okay, unless you decide to create strict little conditions, that is, which severely limit all the possibilities. But that is a very unnatural (and tragic) way of looking at big complexities in the same way as some tiny little speck of energy or whatever.

So where does the religion of rationality fail? It fails when the scientists' observations and experiences fail to match their expectations. Why doesn't the world unfold in the exact way that they demand? It's because their "rationality" is limited by its inability to account for irrationality, unexpectedness, and other surprises. They just cannot reconcile the "quantum" nature of life with their strict "standard model" of what is supposed to work and what they want to work. It's all about them and how they want the world to conform to their expectations. Guess what? It is irrational to expect the world to always look, feel, respond, or behave in the way you have decided is the only right way. And it will only lead one to a very lonely and unsatisfying life if one thinks he can reject all things that don't agree with his expectations and "rational" conclusions.

Why is this religion of rationality tragic? Well, because it causes people to limit their options and possibilities by defining something "irrational" which can mean anything from "unlikely" or "untenable" or "impossible." I do believe that anytime someone limits his experiences in life because something will probably require some extra effort and "faith" that it will work out it is a tragedy because there is no growth/progress/learning without trying new and possibly difficult things. Did the Wright Brothers stop trying to fly just because it was "irrational" for men to believe it was possible? Did John McCain give up when he was beaten, broken, and near death in a prison camp just because survival looked impossible and irrational? Do men and women stop falling in love and marrying just because the survival of a marriage is statistically unlikely and "irrational" because their biological makeup is designed for something other than lifelong monogamy? Fear is the rational response to many situations, but sometimes people don't rely on that rationality and instead decide to fight against the odds, even if the odds are very much against them.

I've seen a "proof" that equality is an irrational concept because it has no real physical basis. I find that a tragic conclusion because it does not allow that human beings can transcend their "purely physical" biology. It only looks at some discreet measurements of human bodies and brains but it does not look at the deeper value of life itself. Do we decide that some human lives are less valuable than some others just because of some somewhat artificially determined measurements of their biologies? I don't think that is really and truly a moral, or even rational, approach. Equality exists in the human mind that can actually see more than just the sum of the parts. Maybe some people just cannot conceive of something being greater than the sum of its parts, but thousands of years of human experience have illustrated very different conclusions. Does that thing that is greater than the sum of the parts actually exist? I think it does even though we haven't yet found a way to measure it in some "real physical" way. Is that irrational?

I think that the religion of rationality fails to account for the way that rationality isn't always exact and unchanging. What we see as rational options now might have been seen as crazy fantasies hundreds of years ago. How does that change? It changes because some people are willing to reject strict rules of "rationality" to imagine the "impossible" and to actually have the courage to try to make it possible. To borrow a phrase from Obama, et al, it is the "audacity of hope" that drives many instances of transcending the "rational."

Of course, some rational things can't be changed, just like the omnipotent God trying to convince the immovable object to move. That immovable object keeps telling the God that it is irrational to listen to an irrational God at all and that it is too difficult to try to move anyway. So the God just keeps on making circles around that object so that they are stuck in some swirling "singularity" of conflict between the known and unknown, the real and the imagined, the rational and the irrational, much like the Yin Yang symbol:

Free Photos

Well, of course, all of this is just a bunch of irrational mumbo-jumbo, but it is that irrational mumbo-jumbo that has really and truly propelled humanity to transcend its perceived physical limits, and I think it will be truly tragic if humanity forgets its "divine" nature and relies only on what it sees as "rational". Honestly, how many times has it changed the world for the better when people chose to limit themselves to what they believed were the only "rational" options?

Lord, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

Baby, do you understand me now
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive
Can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And sometimes it seems that all I have do is worry
Then you're bound to see my other side
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy I want you to know
That I never mean to take it out on you
Life has its problems and I get my share
And that's one thing I never meant to do
Because I love you

Oh, Oh baby don't you know I'm human
Have thoughts like any other one
Sometimes I find myself long regretting
Some foolish thing some little simple thing I've done
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Yes, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Yes, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

The Animals, "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

One of my optimist mistakes is thinking that supposedly intelligent people will read what I write and actually understand it and not take it out of context or intention. Could be I'm not a good enough writer, but I think I tend to be pretty economical with my words so that each one is important and seems to be easily interpreted properly. Well, anyway, I'm fairly often misunderstood, but I think that the problem isn't really with me. It's with the other people who can't or won't comprehend what they read without injecting it with their own biases and prejudices and so on. Speaking of injections, it would be really cool if someone could inject me with an IQ booster just to be sure. ;-)

Sometimes we get answers but we don't know for which question. Well, that happens to those of us who tend to ask too many questions. ;-) This afternoon I was swimming with my youngest son and I noticed a cloud directly above us that appeared to spell out the word "YES". I pointed it out to him and asked him if he thought it looked like YES, and he said it did. Then I told him I should go get the camera and take a picture because no one would believe us, but I also said that it would be changed by the time I got the camera. Well, I didn't tell him, but oddly enough, to my eyes, the word "YES" transformed into "Sex." Funny how it works out that way.

My youngest is seven, almost eight. I think we have a lot in common because I find myself feeling like a spoiled rotten child sometimes. ;-) And sometimes I don't know when to stop, just like a seven year old, and just like how he continued pointing out shapes of things in the clouds for at least 30 minutes after the YES cloud.

The YES cloud reminded me of the story about how John Lennon met Yoko Ono (read the link, second paragraph, because I don't want to use up .1-.2% of my time to tell it).



It was nice that they knew and agreed upon the question to that YES. ;-)

Now I just have to figure out which question my cloud YES answered...


Afterthoughts:

From all the little errors I've been making recently it's becoming more and more evident that I really do need that injection, probably more than one.

And for whatever assorted reasons my nerves have been shot for the last couple of weeks. So that's all part of it too, I guess.

Where the Streets Have No Name

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future

Fly Like An Eagle by Steve Miller Band

It's never been a big secret that I am somewhat certifiably insane. I'm not ashamed in the same way that anyone with any other chronic condition should not be ashamed. Is Stephen Hawking ashamed of his condition? I don't know. I doubt it because he, like me, probably realizes that shame is a total waste of valuable mental energy. Some people might not like that comparison of Lou Gehrig's Disease (ALS) with mental illness, but in reality both are chronic conditions that affect the nerves and brain. And even with treatment, those with mental illness are never really "cured" just like they still have no cure for ALS. I find it a bit concerning that some illnesses gain a celebrity importance while others that are more prevalent and just as dangerous are left in the shadows, or where the streets have no name.

I could continue my rant about the history of mistreatment of mental illnesses and the continuing social disinterest and stigmas, but I'm not really up to giving a good enough rant at the moment. I've got some mental "house cleaning" to do.

It's been painfully apparent to me from my earliest social memories that I've not been like the "typical" females. Maybe it was an early sign of my later problems. I don't believe that it is a social conditioning problem. It must surely be some inherent, genetic trait. My sister is very much a "typical" female. We were raised in the same conditions so it doesn't follow that upbringing had anything to do with it. Incidentally, although we love each other very much, we do acknowledge that we are completely different and not always compatible. This has got to be because of my inability to "understand" typical female behaviors and thinking. Maybe it's a type of autism? ;-) After all, nowadays they say 1 in 166 kids are autistic, so why wouldn't that apply to adults too? (I don't "believe" in most of the new "epidemics" because the numbers of certain conditions aren't actually increasing. The rate of recognition and diagnosis is increasing.)

Well, anyway, there is one particular type of female that I've never been able to tolerate. That is the catty woman. (More modernly known as the female 'bully') My own definition of a catty woman is a woman who insults and picks on other women in ways that mostly only other women recognize. As you can read in some of the articles linked above, female bullies are often charming and clever so that they disguise their true natures, especially to males because they are so easily fooled by women. ;-) Well, I would consider it a somewhat "typical" female trait to consciously try to make oneself look better than she really is (especially to males). I think it is fair to say that one reason men aren't as perceptive of many female tactics is because their corpus callosum (not to be confused with Corpus Spongiosum or Cavernosum) are smaller which limits their ability to process social interactions.





Hey, maybe my corpus callosum is too small and that's why I have trouble with some women? I guess they don't make a magic pill for that since I don't ever get any spam emails offering some wonder drug or herbal supplement to "increase your corpus callosum by three inches!" If you ask me, that might be more beneficial to the world than a pill meant to increase the "corpus spongiosum (or cavernosum)" by three inches. ;-)

Where was I? It's hard to find your way when the streets have no name. (lol, yeah, that was pretty lame)

No really, what was I going to say? Was I finished about the catty women? I'm not sure, but I'll move along anyway. I am capable of engaging in catty behavior in response to someone being catty to me. Sometimes that is enough to stop them, but when it's not I'll just fight like a man. Life is too short to waste time verbally sparring with some catty bitch when really all it takes to shut her up is to "manhandle" her. Anyone of any gender who's ever been bullied knows that the only effective way of stopping a bully is to beat the crap out of them. That way you've taken all their power away. It might not be pretty, but if it works it's okay. And really, any bully who's dumb enough to pick another fight with someone who's beat them really needs to be beat again. ;-)

I'm aware that some people find this attitude distasteful and uncouth and offensive. Fine. Whatever works for you. But I'm betting that my approach is more effective. Oh, I just thought of something. You could compare female bully behavior to those who demand "political correctness" and other such totalitarian things. The "consensus" on global warming uses the same tactics as female bullies to try to discredit anyone who questions them. Maybe that will make it more understandable to men if I give examples like that. I would say, what's the difference in people doing that to each other's groups and individuals doing it to each other? It's all the same with the same end results. So it's despicable behavior regardless of how many people are involved.

Oh, yeah, and to some men, when a woman fights back like a man, they will mistakenly think that she is the bully and not the other one. They are the easily fooled and charmed guys with a really tiny corpus callosum. ;-) (As far as I know there is no correlation between callosum size and spongiosum/cavernosum size.)

You know, I really need to stop bringing up the spongiosum/cavernosum because it keeps making me lose my thoughts. ;-)

By the way, I'm fairly certain that perimenopause has begun and it feels exactly like being a teenager again. It's just like adolescence except in the other direction. Anyone who remembers a difficult adolescence should empathize.

I'm pretty sure I had more to say, but I'm getting hungry. Since my appetite has been bad lately I should eat. (was trying to think of some funny joke about sponge cake but ???)


Addendum: Very strange. Today must be "crazy movie day" on the cable movie channels. First I saw "Mad Love" (1995) with Drew Barrymore and then "Proof" (2005) with Gwyneth Paltrow. I hadn't seen either of them before and enjoyed both. "Proof" was especially interesting and it "hit home" in some non-trivial ways. One thing was that the sisters' relationship reflected much of what I wrote above about "typical" women and not "typical" ones. (Paltrow's sister character was the "typical" one.) But of course, no mathematical proofs are involved in my own personal issues, though if I had to pick something to try to prove it would be that God does exist. ;-)

SEX

How's that for an attention grabbing title? ;-)

Top 10 Reasons Why Men and Women Have Sex

Women

1. I was attracted to the person
2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure
3. It feels good
4. I wanted to show my affection to the person
5. I wanted to express my love for the person
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release
7. I was "horny"
8. It's fun
9. I realized I was in love
10. I was "in the heat of the moment"

Men

1. I was attracted to the person
2. It feels good
3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure
4. It's fun
5. I wanted to show my affection to the person
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release
7. I was "horny"
8. I wanted to express my love for the person
9. I wanted to achieve an orgasm
10. I wanted to please my partner

Source: "Why Humans Have Sex." (PDF) Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss. Archives of Sexual Behavior, August 2007.

Tennessee Justice

Mary Winkler was convicted of Voluntary Man Slaughter which means that the jury believed that the crime was committed in an irrational state of mind. I think I would have made the same judgment. Of course, I didn't hear all the testimony, but I think that the prosecution's arguments for premeditated murder were weak. Any prosecution is going to parade a bunch of people with glowing stories of the minister whom they didn't know as well as his wife. Anyone who is married or in any other close relationship knows that your partner knows aspects of you that no one else ever sees. This is one of the things that makes marriages and other close relationships special. Sometimes that exclusive knowledge is about unpleasant things that nobody else should know.

This is the Matthew Winkler that Mary knew, the secret "bad" Matthew, the one who demeaned her emotionally and sexually. Of course, she's not going to go around telling people that their minister is a pornography-driven pervert. She was the good Christian wife who never complained openly about her marriage and who would never speak about her sex life.

As a Tennessean I think it's safe for me to say that I know how these jurors reacted to this situation. We all have a kind of common cultural knowledge of how things are, so predicting their way of thinking isn't too hard. That the jury only took 8 hours to deliberate is good evidence that they were in pretty close agreement from the beginning of the deliberation. Overall, the whole case and trial moved quickly, and quick justice is good justice.

Mood Swing

It's "pi day" again. So have a slice of pie or something. ;-)

Last night I was washed over with an Amazing feeling of Divine Grace. Maybe it was just a hormonal shift, but whatever, I'm not complaining. :-) I had been thinking about the nature of faith and love and how difficult it seems for some people to see the Light. The radio played a series of Love songs in response to the revelations I began to write.

Love Is Divine

It must be for it to allow every single, wretched one of us to be loved by at least one person in our lives. Love is blind, as they say. The Divine is blind too, but voluntarily so. That's where the forgiveness comes through - in that blind spot. To forgive (and to love) someone in totality requires the decision to willfully ignore or overlook and voluntarily forget their negatives, whatever they might be. It's often difficult to maintain such mental tricks, but Divine Love makes it easier. That is the Power of Love.

Where Love Is

Love is that boundary between fantasy and reality. Not that love can't or doesn't exist in reality, but love is the bridge or the door linking the two. Looking from outside it might appear that love and faith have blinded people, but that's not quite right. In the Light of Love things just look a lot different. Call it blind faith if you like, but I prefer to call it looking through the eyes of the Divine.

And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight...

Chivalry is Dead (or senile at best)

The definition of chivalrous is "marked by gracious courtesy and high-minded consideration especially to women."

There is a sad lacking in today's world of gallant or distinguished gentlemen (though I'll say that most of the men who come here are the exception). I'm tempted to blame the feminazis for that. Well, it's probably not all their fault, but they are probably a big part of it. They insist that they be treated as men, and so then you have all these men who think that all women want to be treated as men. Sorry, that just ain't so.

I am a woman and feminine and happy to be feminine. And I expect to be treated as a feminine woman. I don't mind being 'delicate' or 'fragile'. This isn't to say that I'm weak or incapable. I've been through three pregnancies, labors, deliveries via c-section, and the recoveries of those surgeries. The feminine kind of strength it takes to do that is much greater than whatever exertion it might have taken for the male to plant his seed. Women are not the 'weaker vessel' unless you are comparing something basically trivial like the average muscle strength of men and women.

It's probably easier for men to treat women as men. That takes no consideration or thought about adjusting speech and actions. It's the lazy way out.

One of the worst results of this lack of chivalry is that men assume that a strong, capable, intelligent woman can, or wants to, take care of herself and doesn't want any help with problems, car doors, or whatever. I like help. I don't resent the offer of help. I'm usually not afraid to ask for help. And if you want to know the God's honest truth, I'm pretty disappointed when I'm not offered help when it looks like I might need it. I know I should probably take that as other people having confidence in my ability to handle things on my own. I appreciate that thought, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm not a Superwoman who can handle it all without some help and support at times. There is no such thing as a completely independent person- male or female.

Anyway, when a man mistreats a woman it is a sure sign that he is underendowed in many ways. He can't use the excuse that if a woman is 'equal' to him that she should expect to be treated as roughly as he would treat a man. That's not equality. That's meanness. I can't pretend to understand why some men are so hateful, angry, and unmanly that they think it's okay to beat up on a woman.

But it's clear that any man who does abuse a woman, verbally or physically, is too weak and cowardly to beat up on other men. A woman is an easy target. And of course, the bad men will use anything she might do in attempting to defend herself or fight back as some kind of evidence that she has no honor for others to defend. It's just like the old witch tests where they'd throw an accused witch into the river, and if she floated/swam she was a witch and had be burned, but if she drowned, well, then she was a good woman who unfortunately died.

So this brings me to a complaint that I've been very hesitant to make. But I really do want to say it and I will. I'm shocked that practically no 'chivalrous' men who have witnessed my abuse by a nasty and underendowed man have stepped up to intervene. WTF?? If you saw a man abusing one of your female friends in your office, for example, would you just turn away and pretend that it wasn't happening? Would you think, "Oh, she can handle that herself. I don't want to get involved"? Well, I don't know. Maybe you do think that, but if you do then whatever 'superior' male endowments that Nature has given you are being completely wasted.

Think about your mother, your wife, your sister, or your daughter. Would you like it if someone mistreated them? It's inexcusable to me for someone to ignore or dismiss a man attacking, mistreating, abusing, etc., a woman. It's as if it's an endorsement of that behavior.

To disagree with someone and have civil debates is one thing. But to allow someone to relentlessly verbally abuse another is downright plebeian. And it's NOT EVEN LIBERAL.

Momma's Moon Lodge

No Men Allowed

This post is a place where women can come and commiserate about how stupid men are sometimes and any other thing that they need to get off their chests. For further explanation of moon lodges click here.

Women, feel free to rant and vent.

Love Is A Battlefield

Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

Love Is A Battlefield by Pat Benatar

The Kiss by Gustav Klimt, one of my very favorite artists

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass

Heart of Glass by Blondie

heart of glass

A few months ago I traded in my heart of glass for a heart of titanium because the transparent and fragile glass one had been broken so many times. But my body is rejecting that transplant, which is the real reason why I keep getting sick, so I'm shopping for a new one.

The strongest and most fiery is certainly a diamond heart
but they are just too expensive.

Of course, there are cheaper alternatives to diamonds like Moissanite and Cubic Zirconia, but still for something the size of a human heart it is too much money and untested for these purposes besides.

While a heart of chocolate
would be very sweet and easily melt, I don't think that is any more practical or durable than a heart of glass.

So I just don't know exactly what would be best. It needs to be something that works well and is durable and tough without being too hard and impenetrable. Love is a battlefield, and hearts get broken and mended. Maybe I should just see if I can get back my old, battle-scarred but familiar and full of love heart. Maybe if I keep working on it I'll finally get that alchemical formula for a heart of gold.

For each man in his time is Cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach

The One by Elton John

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wicked Game

Updated: 2-10-07**

Strange what desire will make foolish people do
...

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you

"Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak

You know I can't let this story go without saying a few things about it. Certainly by now everyone has heard about the astronaut, Lisa Nowak, who drove 900 miles in a diaper to attempt to kidnap, and possibly murder, a perceived romantic rival, Colleen Shipman, for the affections of another married astronaut, William Oefelein. What would possess a highly intelligent, accomplished woman to do such a crazy thing?

Well, aside from the usual speculations about the emotional instabilities of women, as my husband likes to promote ;-)*, I think we should look at this situation from a wider perspective. What is so f*cking special about this Oefelein guy that would motivate a woman to throw her entire life away on his behalf? I don't think I'll pursue that line of thought, but feel free if you'd like to add to that subject.

I have to wonder what exactly his relationship was with Nowak. Was he playing some kind of wicked game with her (and Shipman?) and encouraging her romantic feelings while never really intending to have a real relationship? Was he just feeding his ego by playing with the emotions of these two women? Was he just an "innocent" recipient of unbidden affections from Nowak and/or Shipman? I don't think that these are irrelevant questions because we all have to have some responsibility for our interactions with others and the potential consequences of those interactions.

I'm very interested to hear the sides of the story from Shipman and Oefelein. It has been reported that Shipman claims that she had been stalked by Nowak. There is surely more to that story. However, since Oefelein is married, but to neither Shipman nor Nowak, there is yet another side of this story: Oefelein's wife's perspective. I'd be really pissed and disappointed for the whole world to learn that my husband was playing a wicked game with two other women. And of course, there's the sad situation for Nowak's children.

Certainly, there is much more to learn about the motivations and background of this story. But perhaps it is a vivid and intense reminder that human hearts (and minds) are very tender and that playing wicked games with them can only end in tragedy.


-------
* We were talking/joking about this story this morning and I told him that I sure hoped he didn't have some girlfriend that was going to try to kidnap/kill me. Then he said it was the "old" ones who went nuts like that, but I reminded him of that crazy teenager Amy Fisher who shot her much older boyfriend's wife in the head. So age has nothing to do with it. Obviously age, education, success, renown, or any other thing has nothing to do with it. He still says that it's just women and their instability. Well, I still say that it's men and their stupidity that leads to women's instability. ;-)


-------
** A new article discussing more details from the family perspectives reveals that Oefelein has been separated from his wife for a while. But it does not clearly specify his actual relationships with either Nowak or Shipman. I still think that if he was playing both of them in a "wicked game" of insincere encouragement that he has at least some psychological responsibility for what happened.

The Trouble With Men: Not Even Folly

I first read Lubos Motl use "Not Even Folly". This is my silly twisting of the titles of two recent anti-science books for my own purposes. I like to do that sometimes. ;-)

A while back my good friend came over and we got to complaining about our husbands, but they should rest assured that we don't usually talk about them. Life isn't all about them, you know. She's a little younger than I am, and I see her going through very similar experiences I had at that age. Well, the experiences are similar in theme, not necessarily in details, in that I recognize the emotions and thoughts she's having. She seems to appreciate my empathy and acceptance of things that she worries are wrong or questionable. I like to reassure her that what she's going through isn't abnormal (why do we worry so much about abnormality?) and that she will get through it. (Lately it seems I've become everyone's surrogate mother. Not that I'm complaining, well, maybe I am a little. But, you know, I'm more than just a mother.)

So anyway, we both had been having kind of shitty times for similar reasons: husbands being asses. Why is it that as soon as you think you're making progress with a man he gets some weird mental tic or something? Both of us had been enjoying some times of equilibrium in our marriages until these men had to go and be emotionally abusive and neglectful. WTF? Can't you men control that kind of thing? How long does it take for a man to finally figure out that women aren't men and don't want to be treated like men? (Well, my friend and I don't.) I know that it takes a lot of energy to properly deal with a woman, but we do make it worth it. If they didn't really want to invest energy into maintaining our relationships then they shouldn't have promised that they would.

My experiences (and those of my female friends) over the years have given me plenty evidence that men are kind of dumb. Now, I know men can find things to complain about with women, but this is my blog and my post and I'm a dictator here, so please refrain from bringing up some petty crap about something women might not be good at. That's just a defense mechanism men use that is another clue about how dumb they can be. Men can't really distract us from the point we're making about how dumb it is to neglect or take us for granted by talking about how we don't know how to change the oil in the car or some other stupid little task. What I'm talking about is how to make a relationship work well for both sides.

I guess if you wanted to extend that oil change analogy then men should be the ones who keep the relationship working smoothly by keeping the "lubricant" (and that's not meant as some kind of sexual innuendo, well, I guess it could be ;-)) clean and fresh. The lubricant in this case is the care and concern and other emotional expressions that keep a woman's mental machinery working well. Yeah, I think I like that comparison because it really is true. Men who complain that their wives don't properly maintain their vehicles (which is a man's job in the first place) are usually the very same ones who don't keep their wives' mental/emotional machinery maintained.

Sometimes on Sundays I'll scan the religious channels to see if there is an interesting sermon. I don't like going to church, but sometimes I do like to listen to a thoughtful, intelligent sermon. One day I heard a sermon about the subject of marriage and the roles of each spouse. I can't remember who was speaking, but he said something that really stuck with me. He said that when he sees a woman who looks haggard and worn out he knows it's because her husband hasn't been doing his job of taking care of her. He went on to describe how the job of the husband is to provide for his wife and family. And by "provide" he explained that it means more than just bringing home a paycheck. Women are the "vessel" that will become too worn, cracked, or even broken if not properly cared for.

Ever since hearing that sermon when I see a woman who could be cruelly described as "letting herself go" (we've all heard that comment, "boy, look at her, she's really let herself go"- meaning that she doesn't look good at all) I wonder what kind of man she is married to and how he hasn't done his job as a husband. To extend the car metaphor even further, when we see a "ragged out" car we can usually be sure it's because it wasn't properly maintained or was even kind of abused. So when you see a "ragged out" woman don't automatically assume that she has "let herself go" because what you are seeing is the result of many years of not getting the mental/emotional maintenance she needed. Have a little compassion for someone who has struggled to take care of herself while putting everyone else's needs above her own (much like surrogate mothers).

Okay, so what's my point? Well, it's that the trouble with men is they don't usually put enough time and energy into maintaining their most important relationships. Women aren't like banks that you put deposits into for later. We really are more like cars that use the deposits and need them to be replenished regularly in order to function well. And that is not even folly and today's Sunday Sermonett. ;-)

Word for Today: Nurture

Noun:

Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French norriture, from Late Latin nutritura act of nursing, from Latin nutritus, past participle of nutrire to suckle, nourish -- more at NOURISH

1: TRAINING, UPBRINGING

2: something that nourishes: FOOD

3: the sum of the influences modifying the expression of the genetic potentialities of an organism

Verb:

1: to supply with nourishment

2: EDUCATE

3: to further the development of: FOSTER


There is a lot of debate about the influences that shape us. This Nature vs. Nurture argument has been around a long time, and I suspect it will continue as long as some groups try to think that it's one or the other that is most important. I am a little biased myself, though. If I had to put a percentage on it I would say that we are the product of about 65% Nature and 35% Nurture.* But let's not get too concerned with numbers here because that 35% can be very important and pivotal in the final outcome.

It seems some people think that Nurture is so minimally important that it is not worth any value. I strongly disagree. And it also seems that some people think that Nurture is easy and mostly warm cuddles and encouragement. These people are clearly not mothers. Of course, those things are aspects of Nurturing, but to truly further the development of things or people we must sometimes be harsh, critical, and/or vicious even ;-). The farmer who nurtures his crops must remove the weaker sprouts to make room for the stronger ones. Mother Nature eliminates many weaker things that would not benefit growth and development. Nurture isn't all about focusing only on the good and happy and beneficial. It takes a certain talent to be able to discern what needs to be done for nurturing to be successful and balanced.

Women are naturally the nurturers of our species. This is because the female is the one who bears children and Nature would not assign a duty without providing the proper "instincts" to fullfill that duty. If that were the case, we'd have never evolved to where we are now. Of course, I'm not saying that men can't or don't nurture or that some men might even be better at it than the average woman. There are many degrees of nurturing ability just as there are many degrees of other abilities. Unfortunately, our modern society doesn't value Nurturing as much as it should.** My own personal opinion about this is that the feminist movement is partly responsible for this trend (in addition to the rise of the patriarchal religions). Although women of today do benefit in many ways from the struggles of our feminist mothers we are also paying consequences that they didn't foresee. But this is a perfect example of the Nurturing that Nature does. Nature determines the consequences of our actions whether we like them or not and whether we expect them or not. Nurture can never fully overcome Nature. But to worship the powers of Nature without regard to our own powers of Nurture is just asking for trouble.

----
* In thinking about this percentage thing I realized I should probably explain it a little more. It seems best to think of it in the same way as weather forecasts. (not especially precise, etc.) When we hear that we have a 30% chance of rain, it actually means that 30% of the forecast area can expect rain. Though we can't really say which 30%. ;-) If this is incorrect then blame it on the meteorologist who explained it this way on TV. :-) We often joke at home about it "30 percenting" when we are the ones who get the rain and not the other 70% of our area. My 35% Nurture effect is somewhat similar to the weather situation. At any given time 35% of people will be experiencing some major Nurturing effects. ;-)

However, my little joke isn't really intended to limit it to that reasoning. I do also think that on an individual basis, on averagae, a person's self is 65% biologically determined while the other 35% is environmentally determined.


** By not respecting Nurture enough I mean that modern society wants to limit Nurture to only the positive reinforcement aspects while refusing to accept the harsher aspects of it (the Fall of Punishment, as in the form of no more corporal punishment in schools and the revolt against the Death Penalty, etc., is one example). Modern society can't accept that 'bad things can happen to good people' and that there are natural and sometimes chaotic consequences to life. There are many books devoted to that topic and it's much too broad to approach in a afterthought. Ultimately, Nature and Nurture are inseparable and as dependent upon each other as men and women.

And apparently at the present time my own personal Nature vs. Nurture influences are at battle so if I appear confused and/or inconsistent I will blame them. ;-)

The Four Agreements

Inspiration (the muses, answered prayers, intelligence, whatever you want to call it) is a funny thing.

Thoughts arrive like butterflies
But he don't know
So he chases them away

"Evenflow" by Pearl Jam

A little fun with numerology:

4 x 4 x 4 x 4 = 256

2 + 5 + 6 = 13

1 + 3 = 4

"The number 4 symbolizes the principle of putting ideas into form. It signifies work and productivity. The 4 is constructive, realistic, traditional and cautious. It is the number of system, order, and management." (direct quote from site linked above)


Four 1

The elements:

air - relates to the mind, thoughts, intellect
earth - relates to the force of place, environment, landscape
fire - relates to action, behavior, motion, movement, energy
water - relates to emotions, visceral feelings and perceptions


Four 2

The directions:

east - relates to spirituality, source, illumination, thought
south - relates to the material ("real") world, personal environment, physical perception
west - relates to 'life path', behavior, movement, action
north - relates to wisdom, integration, purpose, intention


Four 3

The intelligences:

intellectual (measured by typical IQ tests) Relates to the air element, east, thought, how one thinks
emotional (measured by 'maturity') Relates to the water element, north, wisdom, how one 'feels' about his world
perceptual/place (measured by 'common sense') Relates to the earth element, south, perception, how much one senses his world
behavioral (measured by 'success') Relates to the fire element, west, behavior, how one acts in the world


Four 4

A book I'd recommend to anyone who's interested in spiritual health is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz which discusses Toltec wisdom. These four 'rules' for living are complementary to other spiritual/religious teachings.

The Four Agreements are

1. Be impeccable with your word,

2. Don't take anything personally,

3. Don't make assumptions,

4. Always do your best.

I think these are good, but sometimes difficult, rules to live by. They seem to depend upon a reasonable level of intelligence, all four kinds, not just any one. But primarily these agreements require enhancing focus on emotional, perceptual, and behavioral intelligences. One might ask how these are really different from the 'standard' IQ and intellectual intelligence. Well, it seems pretty apparent by looking at people that just because someone has a high IQ it doesn't automatically mean that he/she is emotionally, perceptually, or behaviorally intelligent. Many 'smart' people have no 'common sense' (meaning they don't know their ass from a hole in the ground- sorry that's not too technical, lol) as evidenced by those geniuses who can't remember where they left their keys or whatever. (I'm flying by the seat of my pants today so forgive any blaring incongruities.) Likewise, many times very 'smart' people are very emotionally immature/underdeveloped. (I'm not sure how malleable these various intelligences are, but I'd say there is a similar threshold as with typical IQ.) They just don't know how to get along with others. And then there are those very smart people who just do dumb things. They make bad choices. This is evidence of lower behavioral intelligence.

'Don't take anything personally' means that what other people do or say is a reflection of their own reality and not yours. Even if someone kills you it isn't because of you. It is because of his/her own thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and actions. No one is responsible for anyone else's reality, only their own, so don't take it personally when someone conflicts with you. It's not all about you! This depends upon emotional intelligence (or the balance of the water element within one's spirit which translates to wisdom). Part of this worldview that might seem strange to Western thinkers is this relationship of emotion to wisdom. But the connection is in how one handles emotions that makes him/her wise. A person who isn't especially intellectually intelligent can be very wise, or emotionally intelligent.

'Don't make assumptions' means that you should pay attention to your surroundings and how they change or don't change. Don't think that because something is a particular way once that it will always be that way. You have to be perceptually engaged in and aware of your world to truly function in it. And this means actively questioning yourself and others in order to know what is real. Knowing what is real is a simple definition of 'common sense' or perceptual intelligence. (This is related to the earth element- where we are- and the southern direction and the power of place, or how we relate to our environment.)

'Always do your best' means making good choices in how to act/behave and is clearly dependent upon behavioral intelligence. It means making the choice to do your best under whatever circumstances. And if you've truly done your best (made good choices) then you can't harshly judge yourself. Behavioral intelligence means that you can reliably predict the outcomes of various actions and choose a path with the best possible outcome. (This is related to the element fire and how its energy is used for either constructive or destructive purposes.)

'Be impeccable with your word' means to always speak with integrity and requires the integration of emotional intelligence (wisdom), perceptual intelligence (common sense), behavioral intelligence (right action), and less so, intellectual intelligence (ability to think it all through). Personally, I find this Agreement the most difficult to consistently follow, but I think it is probably the one that depends on all the others. In order to be "impeccable with your word" you must first "not make assumptions" and "not take things personally" and "do your best." Being impeccable with your word is a reflection of the proper use of the air element. After all, we do speak by pushing air through our bodies, and in some world-views this is akin to sharing a part of your soul with the world.


Disclaimer: This is certainly not a comprehensive discussion of Toltec Wisdom or any other thing. It is basically an outline regurgitation (Did you know that honey is basically bee regurgitation? Honey and lemons go really well together. Oh, I just can't wait 'til those lemons are ripe!) of what I've absorbed from my own life's experience and studies. It is okay with me if someone thinks it is all Mumbo-Jumbo (their reality that I won't take personally). I'd like to close with some four dimensional lyrics that popped into my mind:

You put your whole self in
You put your whole self out
You put your whole self in
And you shake it all about
You do the Hokey-Pokey
And you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about!

(I just totally cracked myself up)

He Said, She Said: What are words for?

Do you hear me
Do you care
Do you hear me
Do you care

My lips are moving and the sound's coming out
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
when you realize you don't know what you just read

What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens it's no use talkin at all

I might as well go up and talk to a wall
'cause all the words are having no effect at all
It's a funny thing am I all alone

Something has to happen to change the direction
What little filters through is giving you the wrong impression
It's a sorry state I say to myself

What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens it's no use talkin at all

Do you hear me
Do you care
Do you hear me
Do you care

Let me get by
Over your dead body
Hope to see you soon
When will I know
Doors three feet wide with no locks open
Walking always backwards in the faces of strangers
Time could be my friend
But it's less than nowhere now
less than nowhere now
less than nowhere now
now
ow ow ow

Pursue it further and another thing you'll find
Not only are they deaf and dumb they could be going blind and no one notices
I think I'll dye my hair blue

Media overload bombarding you with action
It's getting near impossible to cause distraction
Someone answer me before I pull out the plug

What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens it's no use talkin at all

What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens it's no use talkin at all

Do you hear me
Do you care
Do you hear me
Do you care
tell me what are words for
Do you hear me
tell me what are words for
Do you care
tell me what are words for
Do you hear me
so tell me what are words for
Do you care
so tell me what are words for
Do you hear me
tell me what are words for
so tell me what are words for
Do you care
so tell me what are words for
Do you hear me
tell me what are words for
so tell me what are words for
Do you care
so tell me what are words for

"Words" by Missing Persons

Last night we had a very typical situation that I think is a perfect example of male-female differences and how they can cause problems.

My daughter pulled a loose tooth and asked me if her big brother would want to see it. I told her that I thought he probably would so she went to show him. She came back and said that he didn't care. I asked her what he said, and she said that he said, "Whatever." I told her not to take it as him not caring. I told her that boys are just that way: they care but they just don't act like it or say they do, especially 10 year old boys. Then she said, "Well, Daddy doesn't do that." And I told her that some grown up men have learned to be different, but that even they aren't always expressive enough.

I got to thinking about it and decided that this was a very good lesson for her (and me). And I need to have a little talk with my oldest son to let him know that girls need and want boys to at least act like they care about things and that it doesn't diminish his masculinity show some care and concern, even about little things. See, this is the power of the feminine touch on the developing male psyche. Unlike the feminazis I'm not going to try to make my boys into girlie-men, but I will inform them of ways in which they can get along better with the fairer sex. Likewise, I'll continue to explain to my daughter that boys are different and that she should not let her own happiness and/or worth depend upon their unreliable interpersonal skills. It's a balancing act, I suppose. I hope I'm not screwing them up.

Recycled Thoughts- Fire Under the Vessel

Originally posted to my now private AOL journal:

Friday, April 22, 2005
Subject: Art and the Artist's Dilemma
Time: 3:33:00 PM EDT
Author: ramskates
Music: Do Noubt, oops No Doubt, got typing dyslexia today

I've been thinking about writing a longish post about artists and the infamous "artist's temperament" or disposition. I've done a couple of online searches just to see what pops up, and there have been a couple of interesting articles but not exactly what I'm looking for. Maybe I'll search some more later, but for now I'm just jotting down some of my preliminary ideas.

Last year I read a book called, Lives of the Muses: Nine Women and the Artists They Inspired, by Francine Prose. In addition to the examples in that book of the relationships between artists and their subjects there are many other stories of artists entangled in various types of involvements. It seems almost every artist has encountered at least one person who irrevocably influenced his/her life. I think artists are especially receptive to beauty and to being overwhelmed and consumed by it. Sometimes this makes it impossible to recognize boundaries because the artist often doesn't see boundaries at all. Part of the discomfort of the artist's temperament is that he/she frequently oversteps boundaries and faces the consternation and even scorn of others because of that. But to one who believes that inspiration comes from some divine source, or divine infusion, there is no line that divides. Here's a partial quote from the Prose book, "...isn't it the nature of the divine to transcend corporeal and psychic borders?" Yes, it is. And it does.

I think it's a common experience for artists to 'fall' for their subjects for all these reasons. The artist erases all boundaries to see inside their subject and in the process can become entranced and overcome with the beauty they see there. Sometimes there is one in particular that touches something deep inside unlike any of the others. In the Prose book these people are the muses of the artists. Whether that experience lasts a lifetime or only a little while is probably irrelevant because the impact is lasting.

Another quote from the Prose book:

"And so, once more, we return to the Greeks and to the various examinations and definitions of love and Eros considered in Plato's Symposium: the search for the long-lost half of theself, the desire for good and for beauty, the need to procreate, and to create. For the artists, the love of -- and for-- their muses provided an essential element required for the alchemy of invention, or the fire under the vessel in which talent and technique were melded to produce the gold of art."

Fire under the vessel. I like that phrase. It sounds like a good title for something.

Groove Is In The Heart 2

Warning: Anyone who is easily offended by religious questions should skip this post.

note: This a 'continuation' of some thoughts in February.

Well I ain't no new messiah,
But I'm close enough for rock and roll.

38 Special, "Rockin' Into the Night"

What is love? The Bible tells us, "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God." (KJV) 1 John 4:7

Anyone who gets to know me finds out that I'm not usually a Bible quoter, I do believe that God (or the Divine, or the Universe, or the Great Unknown, or Whatever you choose to call It) is the source of love. What else but some omnificent, omnipotent, omniscient omnipresence (did that cover all the 'omni's?) could create such a thing? Surely it can't just be the result of chemical reactions. As much as we try to recreate love with chemicals we ultimately fall short. When I was younger (college age) I began to doubt the existence of the "Omni-" although I'd grown up in a Christian (Lutheran) home and had been baptized and confirmed and all that. I never thought of myself as an atheist but more as an agnostic at that time.

Then I fell in love. I couldn't explain love in any other way than that it had to come from some great "Omni-". Surely, anyone who has loved can relate. And when I had my children my knowing of the "Omni-" was even more confirmed. And that maternal love also gave me the purest and strongest glimpse of the "Omni-" that I've ever had. Looking at my firstborn I literally felt my heart open and fill with something that had never been there before. I was never the same.

To be sure, love comes in as many forms as our imaginations and nature can create. There is romantic love, parental love, friendly love, etc. Maybe it seems different only because we each filter and express it differently with different people. Maybe it's like light and sound that travel differently through different substances. But let us not be confused as to love's source even though it seems to exist in so many various forms.

The Divine Feminine

My problems with Christianity lie largely with the Father and the Son. Yeah, I know that's huge. The Lutherans believe in the Trinity, the unity of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as three persons in one Godhead. That always bothered me, even as a child. Where was the Mother? Where was the feminine aspect of divinity? It didn't make sense. Was the Holy Spirit feminine? Not according to the church's teachings. Can't you see how this oversight would concern a thoughtful little girl?

Even as encompassing as the Trinity tries to be it seems still incomplete. And I've wondered why the concept of the Holy Spirit wasn't enough in itself. Any time that we try to limit the "Omni-" with names and personifications we are limiting our own understanding of It. Of course, we do want to name things. That's what we do. We like to identify our surroundings and give things names so that we can communicate about them. But isn't there some scripture that tells us not to name God? Or am I suffering from another false memory caused by too many random thoughts (some old and feeble) bumping into each other and getting confused?

Doesn't it seem like it's time for another Reformation? Doesn't it seem like the way-it-is has been somewhat dysfunctional? And no wonder, there is no balance. Hold the groans, yes, I'm going to make a Star Wars reference here. Anakin was the promised one who was going to bring balance back to the Force. In his wisdom George Lucas chose not to have that happen with ease and happiness (where's the material for 6 movies in that?). The balance to the Force came only after much pain and suffering, all connected in some way to Anakin's love for his mother and Padme. Where am I going with this? I'm not sure, but I do have a point somewhere. Maybe I'm trying to say that we need a new messiah, a female who can give the world a new, more complete perspective on the Divine. Despite an occasional delusion of grandeur, no, I'm not suggesting that I'm some new messiah... I'm not even close enough for rock and roll.

So, what's love got to do with it? Well, over the last couple of thousand years the masculine concept of the Divine hasn't been terribly successful in promoting 1 John 4:7, has it? Maybe if males grew lives inside their bodies they would revere it more? "...and every one that loveth is born of God..." Born of God. Born of woman. You make the connection. I'm being facetious; I'm not saying that God is a woman. I'm saying that by denying the feminine aspect of the "Omni-" we are limiting It. If it truly is "Omni-" then it is everything, not just the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

The problems with love are due to our own limitations. Love inevitably causes us pain, so how can it be from the Divine? Asking that is the same as throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's not the love itself that causes the pain. It's the denial, withdrawal, or blindness to the love that hurts us. Love really is like a drug in that way. Once you have a taste of it you want it over and over and over again. The trick is to learn to access that love on your own and not rely on it coming from others. Oh, yes, I know what a difficult trick that is! And anyone who has loved, really loved, has felt their heart break, if only from the thought of their love going away. But we don't have to rely on others to connect to the flow of love that comes from the "Omni-".

Some say that we can only do that through the Son, Jesus Christ. Frankly, and I know this is a heresy, but I think that what Jesus said was misinterpreted or even that his own language was limited by his time and place.

"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (KJV) John 14:6

I guess Jesus was brought up with the prevailing Jewish views of the time. And that was Father-based. Maybe you can only get to the Father by way of Jesus, but what about the "Omni-"? Is it possible that what Jesus meant was that he knew the meaning of love and that people needed to listen to his words in order to learn that truth? I know these are uncomfortable questions and statements.

And what happens when our hearts get broken anyway? That answer is probably as variable as the different people in the world. My heart has been broken many times, even in the 'protection' of marriage. David says I'm way oversensitive. Maybe so, but maybe sensitivity is a tool people can use to access (open up to) the love from the Source, the "Omni-"? Either way, I do know that Groove is in the Heart, and if people want to be some kind of a conduit for it they need to reinforce their insulation somehow because it can burn like a bare, hot wire. Or maybe like light reflected from a mirror (you really can burn things that way):

There's a mirror moving inside my mind
Reflecting the love that you shine on me
Hold on now to that feeling
Let it flow, let it grow, yeah, yeah

My heart is on fire
My soul's like a wheel that's turnin'
My love is alive, my love is alive, yeah...

Love Is Alive by Gary Wright

But just because it is hot and possibly dangerous, much like the electricity that runs through our wired world, doesn't mean that it's not worth the risk in order to have our lives lit up and powered from within.

So I'll close with the Aaronic Benediction that traditionally closes Lutheran services. This is a vast improvement over my first draft (that blogger lost) which ended with a link to a song that celebrates a very different, yet just as valid, way of finding that God/love connection.

The Lord bless you, and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

Redemption: What's Your Price? (or there's a little Stepford in all of us)

Yesterday I was reading madman's Friday post (no longer available), and it is in a similar vein to what I have been thinking about recently, the idea of what you've done that you didn't expect you'd do when you were much younger.

(For the perfect song to accompany this post click here.)


I think we all have a price at which we can sell some aspect of ourselves. Remember that movie, Indecent Proposal, where the wealthy John Gage (Robert Redford) offered a million dollars to Mr. and Mrs. Murphy (Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore) for a night with the wife? (It's been on TV a lot lately.) That is an extreme example of selling yourself and the price you're paid not being nearly enough. But all of us at various times have 'sold' or traded our time or some other facet of ourselves in exchange for something. It might be the salary you're paid for the hours you devote to your employer. Maybe it's the love you get from your partner that insures your fidelity. It could be some material possession like a house or a car that 'buys' your commitment. Some people are cheaper than others. But you can look at most our relationships as being largely based on the exchange of goods, services, or more nebulous things.

When I was a teenager I thought that my price to get married would be an excessively large diamond. I was brainwashed by those commercials that told me that the size of the diamond was determined by how much the man loved the woman. But then I grew up and fell in love and all that diamond business meant nothing. My wedding set does have diamonds, but it's not something gaudy and expensive. And over the years I've noticed a trend that the larger the diamond the less successful the marriage. Go figure.

I am my husband's second wife. He was married to the wrong woman right out of high school and was divorced before I even graduated from high school. (We didn't live in the same state back then and hadn't met yet.) There was some 'baggage' from that marriage and another previous relationship that was put up on the bargaining table when we started talking about getting married. The 'price' for me marrying him was that we would live in a different house with all new stuff. I didn't want to start my married life surrounded by things he had shared with another woman. This was our beginning.

Then when I unexpectedly ended up pregnant with our third my price went up to a newer, bigger, and easier-to-live-in house. I essentially traded my independence and part of my personal potential to be a stay-at-home mom, so I wanted and needed a better place to do my job. I don't mean that to sound negative at all because in selling off much of my independence I gained more 'free' time to explore my creative side. The secret to successful trades is for each party to feel like they are getting a good deal. I guess you can call that relationship or personal free-enterprise.

And I'm definitely no Stepford wife. I'm not that good. I've always loved Amelia Earhart's quote, "I cannot guarantee to endure at all times the confinements of even an attractive cage." And I'm reminded of an article I read last year about the reinstatement of the strict, conservative Sharia' laws and how some Muslim women might find it comforting and secure in these uncertain times. I wish I had bookmarked or saved it somehow because I can't find it now. I'm not defending or condemning any of that. I'm just saying it's another example of trading independence and freedom for security.

Most recently I exchanged some of my 'right to complain' in my marriage for a red Corvette convertible. Does that sound cheap? I guess that's a matter of perspective. I'm not trying to devalue the gesture of David buying me my dream car. I know he wouldn't have done it if he didn't love me. But I think I was born lacking some part of the romantic gene because I also see it as a practical move on his part. How can I complain about some things now? That sort of idea. Not that I've sold off all my power and influence in my marriage. Oh, no, there's much more bargaining to come, I'm sure.

So I'm curious, and I wonder, what's your price? And how has it changed over the years? What bargains have you made in your life? What bargains do you foresee in your future?


And maybe it's all about redemption anyway. What does redemption mean?

REDEEM 1 a : to buy back : REPURCHASE b : to get or win back
2 : to free from what distresses or harms: as a : to free from captivity by payment of ransom b : to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental c : to release from blame or debt : CLEAR d : to free from the consequences of sin
3 : to change for the better : REFORM
4 : REPAIR, RESTORE
5 a : to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby b (1) : to remove the obligation of by payment (2) : to exchange for something of value c : to make good : FULFILL
6 a : to atone for : EXPIATE b (1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile : RETRIEVE
synonym see RESCUE


But maybe redemption is only a hallucination? Or delusion? Or dream?

(to be continued... or probably not)



*This is an inferior version of the post that blogger lost yesterday when I clicked 'save as draft' so I could come back to finish it later. But now it seems that it has turned into something bigger than I can handle in one post.

Strange Encounters

The 'Blinded by the Light' post is coming, but right now I have to go with the flow.

I just got back from yet another shopping trip to Walmart. Seems like I go almost every other day. I took my oldest who needed some school supplies and wanted to pick them out himself. We were looking in the aisle with organizers and stuff and I was trying to decide whether or not I'd actually use one if I got it. My son said that he didn't think I would and that it would just be a waste of money. (He's 9 and a half going on 30!) Just as I was putting it back on the shelf this old dude comes up and starts talking to me. This has been happening a lot lately, random people just coming up and starting to talk. Very strange business to me because I'm not an especially noticable person. I don't dress or act in a way to call attention to myself and all that.

So when this happens I like to be nice and let them talk. If I'm in a hurry I might tell them that I have to go, but usually I just let them get to a finishing point and say something like, "well, you take care now." I couldn't understand everything that this old man was saying partly because he sort of mumbled and partly because I think I'm going deaf. I did catch that he was 71. And he kept saying something about babies. Then he said, "Well, me 'n' Woman, we just celebrated 48 years together." And I shit you not, he raises up his sleeve and flexes his right biceps muscle! And grins real big! I felt my eyebrows involutarily raise. I wondered if this was some kind of old dude pick-up move to prove his virility or something. Wow. It was weird! So he finally stopped mumbling about babies and whatnot and wandered off. I asked my son, "Why do you think that old guy started talking to me?" He said he didn't know.

That made me remember something that happened when we went to NC last weekend. On Sunday morning we were eating breakfast at the Waffle House and my oldest had to go to the restroom. As he came out a young guy, about 22-23 at the oldest, went in. Then that guy came out and started talking about how he had left his wallet in the restroom and was so glad that it was still there. My son said he saw it but didn't touch it. This guy was just talking about all kinds of stuff and then whips out a tattoo shop's card and he said, "Oh, you'll like this." He showed it to me and it was a flaming skull. Yeah, it was cool, but why would he think I'd like it. It's not like I look like I like flaming skulls. Then he starts showing me all of his tattoos on his arms. I said 'me' because he had singled me out and wasn't paying attention to anyone else. I clearly got that feeling that he was flirting, but WTF? I'm a plump, plain middle-aged woman with a generous bit of gray hair. I rarely wear makeup, and I don't dress real spiffy. I'm kind of frumpy! And I was sitting there with my 3 young kids and husband. Weird.

I think maybe I get attention because I look pregnant. I have a belly, but the rest of me isn't all that big. The belly comes from having three c-sections and a hysterectomy, or at least that's my excuse. But hey, anyone who's had their gut cut open 4 times should be given a little slack. (pun not intended) Even if I lost a bunch of weight I'd still have a pregnant looking belly. That's just the way it is. So that's another part of this puzzle. Do men find pregnant looking women attractive? Even if they aren't really pregnant? What prompts a man to stop and talk to a woman like that? Flexing his biceps and showing off tattoos? Flaunting his plumage whatever his age?

Now I've got perplexia.