Tennessee Justice

Mary Winkler was convicted of Voluntary Man Slaughter which means that the jury believed that the crime was committed in an irrational state of mind. I think I would have made the same judgment. Of course, I didn't hear all the testimony, but I think that the prosecution's arguments for premeditated murder were weak. Any prosecution is going to parade a bunch of people with glowing stories of the minister whom they didn't know as well as his wife. Anyone who is married or in any other close relationship knows that your partner knows aspects of you that no one else ever sees. This is one of the things that makes marriages and other close relationships special. Sometimes that exclusive knowledge is about unpleasant things that nobody else should know.

This is the Matthew Winkler that Mary knew, the secret "bad" Matthew, the one who demeaned her emotionally and sexually. Of course, she's not going to go around telling people that their minister is a pornography-driven pervert. She was the good Christian wife who never complained openly about her marriage and who would never speak about her sex life.

As a Tennessean I think it's safe for me to say that I know how these jurors reacted to this situation. We all have a kind of common cultural knowledge of how things are, so predicting their way of thinking isn't too hard. That the jury only took 8 hours to deliberate is good evidence that they were in pretty close agreement from the beginning of the deliberation. Overall, the whole case and trial moved quickly, and quick justice is good justice.

Updates of Past Stories

Mary Winkler's trial has begun. Jury selection was completed today and the opening statements are expected tomorrow.

Previous posts about Winkler:

And the Wind Cries Mary

Mary's Cries

Another Song for Mary Winkler


All charges have been dropped against the Duke Lacrosse team members who were falsely accused of rape by a black stripper. I hope that Al Sharpton and others who have severely criticized Don Imus will demand and offer formal apologies to these young men whose lives have been ruined by false accusations and blatantly harmful racism against them. Sure, the Rutgers women's basketball team is allowed to have hurt feelings over being called "nappy-headed hos" (not hoes), and Imus' comment was terrible. But the magnitude of it is minuscule in comparison to the racial hatred those young white men have suffered. I'm just trying to put a little perspective on this issue.

Previous post mentioning the Duke Lacrosse team and "reverse" racism:

News of the Week

Another Song for Mary Winkler

I'm posting a lot today trying to empty some of the pots and kettles on the backburners of my mind. The kids are not here today so I have been able to actually work on stuff.

"All Apologies" by Nirvana

What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone was gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married
Buried

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezerburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married
Buried
Married
Buried

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

All in all is all we are (x13)

There was a recent comment over at Lubos Motl's to one of his notes about the news of Mary Winkler's motive for shooting her husband and her telling him before he died, "I'm sorry." The comment suggested that saying "I'm sorry" is a useless exercise. For whatever reasons I've been pondering that idea a lot. I grew up with the tagline, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," from the movie Love Story. It's one of those sweet but sad love stories that can really influence a young girl in her tender, formative years. But of course, by now I've lived long enough to know that sometimes love means that you better damn well say you're sorry and mean it. So now I'm a little confused as to how I really feel about "I'm sorry" and what it does and doesn't mean and if it has anything to do with love.

Maybe Mary really didn't love her husband, but I want to think if that were true she would not have said, "I'm sorry." But I can imagine that her saying it was so loaded with a history of her constantly having to say "I'm sorry" ("All Apologies") for every little thing that her husband found wrong with her that it was almost an autonomic response ("Everything is my fault, I'll take all the blame"). But even so, that does not necessarily mean that she did not mean it and did not love him. I think that we often have autonomic responses to those we love, and unfortunately not always pleasant ones. ;-)

I used to be a chronic apologizer always saying "I'm sorry" when it was really completely unnecessary. I realize now that not everything is my fault because I am not God and don't control the Universe, or at least not most of it. ;-) But over-using "I'm sorry" does not have to mean that someone is insincere. Sometimes we want to make everything okay despite not being in control of the Universe. And sometimes in my own desire to make everything better I will slip back into the habit of apologizing for everything whether it is my fault or not. Sometimes just saying or hearing "I'm sorry" can make us and others feel better. Sometimes it's the only thing you want to hear. Sometimes it's the only thing you can say.

Maybe "I'm sorry" is overused and has lost its value in the world for most people. I don't know. But I do know that Mary Winkler is sorry for what she did. And it's really not my place to judge her motivation for saying she was sorry. What else could she say?

Mary's Cries

There has been a renewed interest in the Mary Winkler story. Apparently, she has told investigators that she "snapped" after a day of arguments with her husband. From the cnn.com article:

Winkler said the two had argued throughout the evening about several things, including family finances. The problems were "mostly my fault," she said, because she was in charge of keeping the family books.

"He had really been on me lately criticizing me for things -- the way I walk, I eat, everything. It was just building up to a point. I was tired of it. I guess I got to a point and snapped," Booth read to the court.

My original speculation about her motive was that he might have been sexually abusing one or more of the daughters. I thought this because that is about the only thing that I could imagine would make me kill my husband. But I have to admit that in reading her statement about feeling put down and unappreciated (my words) I can see how a woman might "snap" and do something drastic, especially when a large man has been verbally vicious and merciless for an extended period of time. Sometimes men underestimate the amount of fear and desperation that they can cause a woman when they put their energy into attacking, whether it is verbal or physical. Women look to men for support and approval. No, that isn't a 'politically correct' statement, but even feminazis crave the approval of men in the form of 'equality.'

Certainly, I'm not excusing Mary's crime. I'm only trying to have some empathy for her situation and mental/emotional responses to it. I think it is a fair statement to say that every married person has experienced at least one episode of the kind of criticism that Mary says she suffered. (It isn't only women who are verbally abused by their spouses, but the men who suffer are a much smaller portion.) Add hormonal and/or emotional issues to the mix and the results can be explosive.

A little advice to the testicle bearing members of society, especially those who live in a very traditional and/or Christian lifestyle:

1. Don't use your position of power in a relationship in a destructive manner.

2. Remember that your wife depends primarily on you for support (financial, emotional, etc.). You are the 'provider' so provide.

3. Never underestimate your power to hurt.

There is more to say, but I have to go right now.



Lubos Motl also has a detailed analysis of this story.


Addendum: As a woman who is living in a traditional 'gender role' arrangement and who is currenting experiencing hormonal instability I must say that my empathy for Mary Winkler is at an increased level. The point that I really wish and hope is understood is that men must appreciate their women and treat them with kindness and gentleness. I'm not blaming the victim, not exactly. But in my current state of mind I am saying that Mary Winkler is not the only woman in the world to have been criticized to the point of "snapping." Most of us when it happens don't kill our husbands but resort to other relief. To be a little too personal, I often feel like my sacrifices and efforts are far from appreciated and that every thing I do is subject to criticism or disregard. Sometimes nothing I do is good enough. I know that Mary Winkler felt the same way. No, I'm not about to shoot my husband. But I am going to cry for Mary and for myself and for every other woman who has even felt like all of her energy is spent thanklessly. Matthew Winkler was apparently one of those men who believed that his wife's only purpose was to please him. I think Mary did not want her girls to grow up with that kind of male influence in their lives. Well, if you ask me at this particular moment, I think the world might just be better off without him then.

And the Wind Cries, Mary

Update:Mary's Cries, 7-2-06


(Lubos has a thoughtful post on the Winkler murder. For the complete lyrics to "The Wind Cries Mary" by Jimi Hendrix click the title above. Actually, did Hendrix write this song or was it a cover of an old blues song?)

After all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness staggering on downstreet
Footprints dressed in red

And the wind whispers, MARY

A broom is drearily sweeping
up the broken pieces of yesterday's life
Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife

And the wind, it cries, MARY

Many of us have speculated about the motive for Mary Winkler to shoot her husband dead. Did the wind whisper her name and tell her that murder was the only way? Did she hear the happiness staggering down her street and wish that it was hers?

Or was she killing a monster only she (and her daughters?) knew? It's hard for me to 'get into her head' because she was indoctrinated with a belief system very different from mine. But we do have things in common. We both have three young children. We both chose to live in a marriage with 'traditional' gender roles (but put into practice in very different ways). We both are from Tennessee.

I first heard about this story when the Amber alert came on TV. At that time they hadn't even said that Mary was a suspect. But I've watched too many crime shows and knew that the spouse is usually the first person to suspect in a murder at home. And the thought that he was molesting one or more of those little girls 'popped' into my head, probably because that is the only thing that would cause me to kill someone intentionally.

Another clue for me is that the police won't tell the motive even though they know it. The delay could be due to their need to gather more evidence (interview the children) and take steps to protect the children as much as possible. When there are accusations of incest there must be extreme care taken in how the children are treated. And I will admit my personal feeling that if he was molesting one or more of his daughters then my views of Mary are much more lenient. Would it justify her actions? Not in the eyes of the law, but in my motherly eyes it does. I know that is wrong, but as a "vicious momma" that's just how it is.

Of course, I could very well be wrong (some of you tell me that often enough). For the sake of those girls, I hope I am.