Midlife Equity

I'm really rusty on this writing thing but here goes.

It's been nearly 20 years since I started this blog. That feels strange. Twenty years has flashed by so fast. So much has happened. Kids have grown and flourished into their own adult lives. No grandchildren yet, but maybe in a few years. I've had heartbreaks and recoveries and times of feeling like I just didn't care about much anymore. But now at 56 I'm feeling that midlife urgency to get things done and taken care of while I'm still here and able. Not to be morbid but if I'm average I've only got another 20 or so years of life, and that 20 years will go ever faster than the last 20. Priorities are shifting. Focus is much less on the future. It is on right now. Time is even more precious than ever. No more wasting time waiting for things to get done or waiting for other people to get their shit together or whatever. 

I feel like I've built up a bit of life equity. I'm talking about the value accumulated over time based on the difference between liabilities spent vs. assets gained. I'm been the bookkeeper for our business for the last 26 years so I just think of things in those kinds of terms. I'm not talking about the current use of the term equity as some social concept to justify discrimination against high achievers because it's not "fair" that some people do better in life than others. That's just life, people. I always wished I could be a rock star or super model but I don't have the talent or physical beauty for required. Painful as that realization was, it was what I had to accept. Anyway, life is not "fair" and everyone just needs to do their own best without trying to bring others down to their level just to feel better about it. 

My own equity I'm talking about does have social aspect but it is much more personal and intertwined with my marriage/partnership. All the years that I didn't spend money on things like getting my nails done all the time, designer clothes, or whatever other shopping/spending habits that others choose has created a type of savings account with this equity. (No judgment on those who do spend their "capital" on that stuff - it just hasn't been a priority for me.) I know this might sound "transactional" to some. That's another current buzzword to criticize certain ways of thinking. Well, at its most fundamental level life is purely transactional - input/output and exchange are the process of life itself. The sun gives the energy it got from its creation to all the plants and organisms on earth that then use that energy to grow themselves and then we use them to grow ourselves and we all convert that energy into other products that other things use to grow themselves and on and on and on. It's a cycle of exchange. Long term partnerships naturally involved lots of sharing and exchanging. Certainly, there are some things like emotions that don't necessarily work best under a transactional structure. I might get into that later. Sorry, I tend to go off on these tangents. 

Back to relationship equity. Over the 33 years of my marriage I've accumulated a bit of savings where I wasn't spending everything all the time. Now I'm looking at things that need attention. As things age they need repairs and maintenance. A lot of people my age decide to spend their equity on fixing their bodies with plastic surgeries or other procedures to look younger or whatever. And again, no judgment on that, but it's not my concern. Well, yeah, sometimes I think about having some "work" done on myself for appearance's sake, but not too seriously because that just hasn't been a thing for me ever so why start now? There's a lot of life baggage (similar to equity but undesired accumulation) connected to physical appearance. Growing up I was never told I was attractive. My appearance just wasn't important except that I was never thin enough. I was either invisible or too big. This probably explains my lack of desire to maintain appearances over my life. What's to maintain if you never had it? Sorry, another tangent. 

So instead of spending my equity on myself I am beginning to spend it on some big home maintenance projects. As a homemaker (along with the bookkeeping as my "career") home is super important. The state of our homes is often a reflection of the conditions of other aspects of our lives. This isn't necessarily a direct correlation. Sometimes people with the most immaculate homes have the most fucked up lives and relationships. And sometimes the most modest and ordinary homes have the happiest families. Clutter and mess isn't always a sign of dysfunction. It's often a sign of people living full lives. My house is generally clean but it is a working home. We work here and from here and it's all functional and lived in. I do like some nice things but it's just not all for show. (Just like my personal appearance.) But over time things wear out and need work to repair and maintain them. This year I've had the exterior painted professionally for the first time since we built the house in 2001. The cedar siding had been cleaned and sealed a few times over the years but it was always DIY and not necessarily done that well. Cedar is beautiful when it's new and newly pressure washed to remove the natural tannin stains that turn it gray-to-black. But it never keeps that fresh-cut look. It wants to be black. So I said "paint it black." Well, it's not pure black, which I would have liked just fine. It's a very dark gray, kind of charcoal color - the darkest that Sherwin-Williams makes - Black Alder - I think is the name. It looks awesome. I love it. It was a big job and cost a pretty penny but I had that equity and used it. 

Another big job that has needed to be done for over a decade is having the wrought iron pool fence painted. We put in the pool and fence 16 years ago and it's all held up pretty well, but as iron will do it had some rust and other issues. Last year I had a couple of posts and a gate replaced and there are a few more posts that will need replaced next year. But for so many years I've had getting it painted on the to-do list. That never was a real DIY option. So I finally just made the call and found the absolute best people to get that done. I am so happy with it! It's almost like having a brand new fence. It wasn't cheap. Getting it painted the right way was almost as much as getting it originally installed. But with Bidenflation it was really probably about a third (or even a quarter maybe) of what it would cost to install new now.

Having these things taken care of have energized me. Spending that equity on my home and surroundings has made me feel like the state of our home better reflects the state of our lives. There are several other projects that need to be done in the next year or so. The equity isn't all used up yet but I don't want to deplete it completely. There's another big painting job that I want done professional this year, and then the other projects are more DIY friendly. Spending on home maintenance seems like a much better investment than plastic surgery or whatever because barring some major natural disaster or something like that, this house will be here a lot longer than I will. It is an asset for my children. My body is not meant to be a legacy. It has already done its creating.         

Ghost of Toolshed Past

Heh, time has flown by - I blame the accelerating universe. Or is that now an outdated idea? Anyway, revisiting the toolshed I have to admit it's a pretty funny little spot in the cyberverse. I did alright.

Blogging has fallen by the wayside as I have used my limited time on many home improvement/maintenance projects. It's amazing how so many things in a dwelling need attention. I've been ripping out carpet and putting down new flooring, installing new light fixtures, repairing minor plumbing leaks, tiling the kitchen walls, repainting rooms and ceilings, and some other things I can't recall at the moment. Well, it's all part of being a home-maker. And I just didn't even think about documenting it all with pictures and blogging. Ooops.

But above all of that, mothering my children has been the primary focus of my life. The oldest is now a high school freshman and is the "beast" of the quads (tenors) in the high school drumline. My daughter is now in middle school and has thankfully so far avoided the middle school problems her older brother had.
And the youngest is in 4th grade, and he is still full of many potentials that are yet to be cultivated.

So that's just a very brief review of the passing time.

Thirteen

I am now officially the mother of a teenager. My oldest son turns 13 today, but he has seemed at least 15 for a couple of years now. At 5'8" he is already half a foot taller than me, and when he answers the phone everyone thinks he's his father because of his deep voice. He's always been pretty mature for his age.

It's a little freaky for me to watch him grow into a man so quickly because I wasn't around many boys during my early teens. And most of the boys I knew then were ice skaters and not particularly masculine. ;-) (though there were a couple of exceptions) So the beginnings of a moustache growing on a 12 year old boy seems a little startling. I have to admit to being kind of in awe of this man-boy who came out of my body 13 years ago. I gave birth to this wonder.

He's very popular at school and that's a new thing to me too. It's nice in way that he has so many friends, but I've also learned that the popular boys are usually not so popular with the teachers. Maybe he has an attitude or air about him at school that they don't like, but I know that he's respectful to them. He's also much smarter than his grades reflect. In school these days, more than when I was in school, the report cards reflect conformity and behavior much more than academic accomplishment and learning. The teachers don't even seem to notice if a student is actually smart or not.

As I've mentioned here before, my son is a kind of musical prodigy. He can pick up any instrument and play it. He's teaching himself to play the guitar, and he continues to play the piano. Any song he hears he can play it. It's amazing to me because I have absolutely no musical ability at all. But I love to hear him practice, and the sound of music in the house is delightful to me.

Well, Happy 13th Birthday to my son! And let's hope that the teenage years won't be too hard. ;-)

Vicious Momma v. Knox County Schools, part 2

This is the follow-up to "Knox County School Violates Fourth Amendment."

Knox County Schools apparently decided that they have the authority to unreasonably seize personal property and to impound it 15 miles away from the school where it was seized. My son's cell phone fell out of his pocket at school the other day and a teacher saw him pick it up, so she seized it and sent it to the school office. Okay, fine. I understand that cell phones are not allowed to be used in class. But he wasn't using it. He was only picking it up and looking at it to make sure it wasn't damaged from falling. Anyway, I don't have a problem with them keeping it in the school office until I can pick it up, but I do have a problem with them sending it off the school grounds to some kind of "security" office, which is essentially the county's school police station.

I am probably overreacting to this situation that is ultimately pretty trivial, except that I just can't see it as trivial when our Constitutional rights are violated, even in regards to something like a cell phone. I understand that they have rules, and that they are necessary. But all of this unreasonable seizing personal "effects" and then imposing excessive and unusual punishments is just plain WRONG.

I can't see how anyone could really believe that requiring a parent to drive a 30 mile round trip to pick up a simple cell phone that was seized merely for its own existence is not excessive punishment. And "cruel and unusual" too since it was very rainy, windy and bad holiday traffic going to pick it up in the middle of one of Knoxville's worst public housing slums (where the SS security office is located). While this 30 mile round trip to pick up our illegally seized phone was not a hardship for us in the purely physical sense, there are many people for whom it would be excessively inconvenient and a hardship to do so. Some people don't have easy transportation for such things and some can't take time away from work.

It is obviously a violation of the Eighth Amendment prohibition of "excessive fines and cruel and unusual punishments" to make a parent go to this much trouble to reclaim a cell phone that was already practically stolen by the school. Imagine if you replace "cell phone" with a $100 bill. Clearly it is an illegal theft for the school personnel to seize that money, send it away, and require a parent to go out of their way to retrieve it. Any other personal property is no different from the money and no one would stand for their money to be extorted in this way. Even people who have their cars towed or otherwise taken away for some "offense" have to sign for it. The school basically stole our phone. The school personnel are guilty of extortion and coercion.

And while those issues are big enough for a serious complaint, there is even more to the story. When I called the security office to make sure the phone was there before driving all that way to get it, I also asked for directions since I'm not so familiar with that part of town. I simply asked "where exactly is the office located?" After some vague and useless information like "in northwest Knoxville" and "off Western Avenue" from the woman on the phone, who I am assuming was the secretary, Debra Dexter, I asked if she could give me directions. If her reply had not been so incompetent and lazy I might not have been quite as angry about having to go there. This woman is a "public servant" and is paid with my tax dollars so I don't think it is unreasonable to expect her to be somewhat helpful. But no, this is what she said, "Oh, it's just too hard to describe how to get here so look it up on one of those map things on your computer." Wow. My tax dollars at "work."

There are some other small, annoying, hypocritical details about her and the other "security" staff. At the front door of the office which had a big "No Smoking" sign, there was a group of men, some of them cops, standing there smoking! Right in front of the entrance with the no smoking sign. Typical! In the office I asked why they felt it was necessary to send phones to this location, but of course, they would not give me a good answer and only continued to coerce me to sign the form stating that I was picking up our phone. I couldn't contain my anger then and did tell them that the policies are stupid and violate our 4th and 8th Amendment rights and that this isn't Nazi Germany. And now they know our names and we'll be blacklisted forever.

And you know, how do we know that they didn't examine our phone, look at the personal information contained in it, copy the SIM card information, or any other invasion of our privacy? If they think nothing of illegally seizing it then what's to stop them from further violating our rights by copying private information and so on? All of this was done without "probable cause" and without any kind of warrants, and so why should I expect that they are respecting ANY of our rights if they are so unscrupulously violating the 4th and 8th Amendments?

The Superintendent and many others will be receiving letters of complaint from me. If they do not change their policy regarding seizure of personal property then perhaps some further action will be required. I really don't want to start some big thing because I am a private person and I don't want to be dissected like other citizens who have questioned authority (Joe the plumber, for instance). But I refuse to be intimidated, extorted, coerced, bullied, violated, and abused by the people who are paid with my tax dollars to serve me and everyone else. They do not have the authority to violate my rights, my kids' rights, or anyone else's rights. Period.

Knox County School Violates Fourth Amendment

Fourth Amendment to the US Constitution:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Carter Middle School in Knox County, TN, has violated my and my son's Fourth Amendment guarantee against unreasonable seizure of personal property. His cell phone was confiscated by the School Gestapo and has been sent to the County's "central security office," whatever the hell that is. I understand that cell phones and so on are a distraction at school and that students are not supposed to use them during school hours. However, my son was not using his phone. It fell out of his jacket pocket, and because it had been unintentionally left on, a teacher confiscated it and sent it to the office. I went in this morning to pick it up, and that's when they told me it had been sent off because this was his "second offense." The first was when he had my video camera at school which was also confiscated and demanded that I delete any "unauthorized" photos/videos he might have taken at school. What country is this anyway? Seems like Nazi Germany or Totalitarian USSR. Outrageous!

I was furious but did not make a scene. I've found it is unnecessary to do that because I am capable of expressing my displeasure with my eyes only.

Now I have this dilemma. Do I just do as they expect and cower to their unreasonable policies? This is surely what they want everyone to do... they want us to be intimidated and comply with their oppressive methods. They don't want us to question this erosion of our fundamental rights and protections. That cell phone is our personal property which they have very unreasonably seized and impounded. Clearly and obviously, their actions are way beyond a reasonable response to the "offense."

I think that goes against the Eighth Amendment:

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Yeah, I really do think that requiring me to drive all the way down to some office near the old Rule High School, which is in the middle of one of the worst and most dangerous public housing projects in the city, to reclaim my wrongfully seized personal property is an excessive, cruel, and unusual punishment for my son's trivial mistake.

I need a Constitutional attorney. I swear. If people can sue McDonald's for hot coffee and so forth, then I should be able to sue the Knox County Schools for violating our Fourth and Eighth Amendment Constitutional rights. I think we need to take this all the way to the Supreme Court.

Thanksgiving

Sorry to say, but this year Thanksgiving isn't really so happy. Although I've tried very hard to focus on all the good things and blessings in our lives, all the losses and struggles of the last year are so much in the foreground that there is no ignoring or avoiding them. This is my first Thanksgiving with no living parent. No more going to Dad's house for the family gathering. It is a big change.

I am thankful for not being so poor (yet) that we have to kill and eat squirrels to survive. I am thankful that my children are healthy and normal. I am thankful that we have made smart choices that have insulated us to some degree from the "financial crisis" that seems to be fueled by never-ending stupidity. (Hey, why can't someone create a new "biofuel" from that never-ending supply of stupidity?)

I am thankful that my own health is much better than one year ago, despite having to deal with so much drama and stress.

Well, there is a lot of cooking and preparing to do today. My thoughts and prayers are with the victims of the India terrorist attacks. And my hopes and wishes are for all of us to take a moment to be thankful, even if not exactly happy, for our lives, families, friends, and other goodness in our lives.

Throwing in the Towel

The way things are going these days with the crooks on Wall Street and all the other dummies getting bailed out with taxpayer money, we are seriously considering throwing in the towel and closing up shop. It's just not worth it anymore when my husband works 60-70 hour weeks crawling under nasty houses, getting his hands all cut up and burned, and dealing with all the other very difficult jobs required in the HVAC business when we pay our bills, pay our outrageous taxes, and all the benefits seem to be going to everyone else.

Sure, we have been able to build a nice house and have some nice cars, but that is ONLY because HE HAS WORKED HIS ASS OFF AND HAS REALLY PAID FOR THOSE THINGS WITH HIS OWN EFFORT, instead of relying on government help and bailouts or by taking advantage of other people or taking stupid risks and so on. IF he had ever taken advantage of anyone we would sure as hell be a whole lot richer today than we are because truth be told, most people are pretty stupid idiots who are pretty easy to take advantage of anyway. But we're not really "rich", but just part of that shrinking middle class who is shrinking because we are finally figuring out that we are the ones being exploited by everyone else.

Yes, I'm so angry about these things that I could be spitting venom. We SHOULD NOT have to pay for all the stupid, bad decision and laziness of other people. It is NOT our responsibility or moral obligation to rescue everyone else who has acted in irresponsible ways.

Maybe I should be looking forward to owning part of the big financial giants who are now going to rely on our tax money to survive. But of course, I know not to hold my breath waiting for any dividends on our FORCED investment.

What all the stupid people never consider is that when people like us, who have made honest livings and have supported so many other people through our efforts, decide to give up, that wellspring that they've sucked dry is going to stay fucking dry. Then what are they going to do?

When the system has made it so unprofitable for people to actually work very hard to support themselves, then they aren't going to do it.

I feel like just saying, "Fuck it all!" Let's just do like everyone else and stop paying our house payments, taxes, and all the other things that so many people aren't doing.

If the bank calls and says, "Where is your house payment?" I will answer, "Call AIG or Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. They have it."

Civil War Diary, Part 1

We haven't been making great progress in cleaning out my dad's house. I keep getting caught up in looking at all the cool old stuff like photo albums, childhood artwork and schoolwork, and other family mementos. My dad collected lots of interesting old stuff and it's like going through a time capsule. The following is my great, great grandfather's (Lewis Samuel Clovis Howard, 1835-1897) diary (to be posted in parts due to its length) he kept while serving for the Union in the Civil War. I've linked relevant maps and other additional information and retained the original spellings, grammar, and punctuation.

I don't know why he served for the Union instead of joining the Rebels since Tennessee did secede from the Union. Maybe the Union paid better? ;-)

Daily Diary of L.S.C. Howard's Army Record
Sworn in 1861
Discharged 1864

August 10, 1861
Left Morgan County and marched by T. Staples and nine miles to the left of Huntsville and on by Montcella [sic] in Ky. Thence across the Cumberland River at the Horseshoe bend and through Jamestown. And on By Middleburg and by Danville, then to Camp Robinson, 210 miles

Arrived here 19 of Aug.
Volunteered 19th
Sworn in the 20th of August, 1861

October 20, 1861
Remained here until the 20 Oct. 1861, then we received orders to march to Camp Wildcat, 44 miles, which we made in two days and a night. Remained here till

October 28, 1861
Then we received orders to march to London, then according to orders marched to Camp Pittman.

October 29, 1861
Marched to London and remained there some time

December 7, 1861
Ordered to Somerset. Therefore as we marched on the 8th, we passed by Sublinity Spring on the Rockcastle River and on the 9th camped at Somerset.

December 15, 1861
Paid by the Government $40.95

January 19, 1862
A fight is commenced.

January 20, 1862
Victory Completed at Millsprings

January 22, 1862
Marched back to Somerset

January 26, 1862
Left Somerset 5 or 6 miles

February 2, 1862
Left London and marched in the direction of Cumberland Gap

February 4, 1862
Marched to Barbourville

February 12, 1862
Marched to Flatlick

February 15, 1862
Marched to the Cumberland foard

May 22, 1862
Paid $26 by the Government

June 7, 1862
Left the foard and camped at the Moss house.

June 11, 1862
Left the Moss house and marched through the big Creek Gap, then up Powells Valley to the Cumberland Gap the 18th of June

June 20, 1862
Marched to Tazwell 10 or 12 miles. Stayed near a day there then returned back to camps

June 28, 1862
Left Camps and marched to Capt. Mires 1 Regt. E.T. (1st Regiment East Tennessee Volunteers) then toward Knoxville to Kingkades an aid [sic] Rebels near the Clinch River then back to Camps. And crossed Powells R. at or near the Ledmind bend and here at the river we was fired on by the Rebels but we whipped them soon. then marched on to Camps

July 1, 1862
Arrived at Camps.

August 4, 1862
Appointed Corp. and sent to the Provost M.

August 14, 1862
Drummed out of the service one private from Co. "A", E. Tenn. Vols.

August 16, 1862
All moved up in the Gap.

September 16, 1862
Left the Pro. M.

September 17, 1862
17 day about midnight our Regiment left the Gap.

September 18, 1862
18th night camped at Flatlick.

September 20, 1862
Marched down Goose Creek below the saltworks near Manchester.

September 21, 1862
Rested in place until 9 in the evening then marched all that night and in the evening of the 22 we passed by what is called the Goss Spring. It is in Ousley County.

September 22, 1862
Camped on Indian Creek at Morises about 5 miles from where it empties into the south fork of the Ky. River.

September 23, 1862
Marched to Booneville, Ousley Co. by 1 o'clock in the evening then marched to Proctor, 10 miles by a little after day.

September 24, 1862
Rested till evening again then marched across the Ky. river below the fork then marched up the north fork. Taken the Hazlegreen Road at the McGuires Gap.

September 25 + 26, 1862
Marched and reached Hazlegreen 20 miles from McGuires Gap. Marched through Wolf Co.

September 27, 1862
Marched all day and near all night then took up at West liberty 15 miles

September 28, 1862
Rested in place all that day

September 29, 1862
Marched 21 miles adn late in the evening teh bush whackers fired on our skirmishers.

September 30, 1862
Marched in 12 miles of Grayson, Carter County on the head of little Sandy where the cliffs begin to set in and where the bush whackers fired on us again.

Thrilling Physics 2

Recently we took our summer vacation to the amusement park Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, and also some stops in Kentucky which I'll describe at the end.

This summer the children have graduated from the Thrilling Physics (1) at Dollywood of last summer. Cedar Point is known for its roller coasters (17 in all and three of the top 10 steel roller coasters in the world) and uses the motto "America's Roller Coast" since it's on the shore of Lake Erie. It was cool for the kids to see a lake that looks like an ocean because all of our local lakes are really just dammed rivers and aren't so big.

Even my seven year old rode all the ones he was tall enough to ride. And our favorite was the 310 feet high Millennium Force:



It has to be the smoothest, fastest, and most thrilling roller coaster I've ever been on, even better than Dollywood's Mystery Mine. It is really a pure ride in that it doesn't rely on any special gimmicks like standing (though that is pretty cool) or inverted track (which is actually probably my second favorite one) or lots of loops (an old coaster which I suspect was bought from Opry Land in Nashville after it closed in the mid 1990s). I think the smoothness of the ride adds a lot to the enjoyment, and I don't really like the jerky ones whether they are steel or wooden.

Speaking of wood, we did ride their huge wooden coaster, Mean Streak,



which is aptly named since it was very rough and jerky. I think we got spoiled last year by the unusual smoothness of Dollywood's Thunderhead, still my most favorite wooden coaster of all.

Cedar Point's most extreme coaster is the Top Thrill Dragster:



It is 420 feet high (I wonder why they chose 420 ;-) ) and launches riders to 120 mph in about 4 seconds. It is designed to feel a little like a drag racing car, but my only complaint is that the entire ride is only about 18 seconds long. Well, maybe that is as much as one could handle of this straight up and straight down experience, but the long 1 hour wait in line made it a kind of lopsided time investment. ;-) The Dragster might have been my favorite over the Millennium Force if it had a longer duration (or the wait had been shorter between rides). That initial launch is the only acceleration and there were signs explaining that sometimes a train might not clear the hill on the first try and would have to roll back down to be launched again. I was sort of hoping that would happen to us so that we'd get an extra long ride, but we weren't so lucky. ;-)

We also enjoyed the once record-breaking steel coaster Magnum XL-200, the special effects themed bobsled style Disaster Transport, and the other smaller wooden coasters. Maybe it was because we were there during the week instead of the weekend, but the lines for most rides were very short, except for the newest and wildest ones. The only one of the big rides we didn't try was the Wicked Twister. I might try it if we ever go back, but as I've gotten older my stomach's tolerance for all that spinning and twisting has decreased and by the time we'd been on all those other rides I was worried about getting sickly if I pushed myself too much.

Oh, and Cedar Point's newest coaster The Maverick was pretty good too.



It reminded me a little of Dollywood's Mystery Mine but on steroids. ;-) Again, the line for this one was almost too long, but it was a great coaster with some fun surprises throughout. We only rode it once because of the long lines, but I would like to try it again someday.

I am pretty curious about the technologies used for these new super-coasters and their very fast acceleration. Even on the Millennium Force, as you are climbing that first 310 foot hill, the train actually accelerates midway up, instead of that clackety, clackety slow chain-driven climb on most coasters. I wonder how people might apply these technologies to more practical needs, especially in this time of concern with energy efficiency, etc. Well, if they could build public transportation roller coasters then I think many more people would enjoy not driving their own cars. ;-)

Okay, so maybe these amusement parks and roller coasters are kind of a redneck thing to do, and I've thought about why people enjoy them so much. It's certainly not a "natural" activity to be launched into extreme angles, twists, and descents at high speeds, but somehow it seems to serve a purpose. Or maybe I'm just an adrenaline junkie. ;-)

Aside from the thrilling physics of the rides there were other interesting things about Cedar Point. One of them was that many of their employees were students from all around the world. I saw some from Taiwan, Colombia, Turkey, Poland, Slovakia, and even China. The young guys from Poland and Slovakia were working together in a gift shop and seemed especially amused by my family's choices of souvenir trinkets. ;-)

After Cedar Point

Driving back towards Tennessee we stopped in Kettering, Ohio, where my oldest son got to skate at a famous skate park he had seen on TV.




My oldest is in the bright white t-shirt.


My youngest with a skateboarder's statue.

The way that we discovered we would be so near that park was because we drove past what we jokingly called the "giant white gorilla" that my oldest had recognized as a landmark from some skate-boarding shows. It is actually a huge Jesus statue but at first sight on the road we only saw the extended arms and thought it looked like a gorilla or something. ;-)



From now on we'll always refer to it as the Giant Jesus Gorilla, but of course we mean no offense to Jesus or gorillas. ;-) I don't really worry about God being angry with my irreverent jokes. He forgives me because I make him laugh. :-)

Then in Kentucky we stopped for a tour at Diamond Caverns. I think I could live in a cave, and I've always enjoyed touring them and learning about the geology. Maybe that's because I might be part Neanderthal. ;-)

And then we stopped at the National Corvette Museum so the kids could learn about the history of our favorite cars. Well, maybe a car museum is kind of redneck too? ;-) But really, Corvettes have been a big part of the history of American cars and culture for the last 50 years, and I think it's good for our children to appreciate those kinds of things. It must be doing pretty well because it looked like they are building a large addition to the Museum. With the fuel situation as it is, it could turn out that our sportscars will be more historical than we currently realize.

A couple more things. Another highlight of the trip for me was getting to see a couple of nuclear power plants pretty close to the roads. They are not a common sight for us, and although they might not be all that interesting to most people there is just something exciting to me about seeing them. ;-)

As we drove all through Kentucky and Ohio it was abundantly clear that the economy isn't doing so great. There were many, many large empty buildings and warehouses with signs for sale or lease, and everywhere there were so many houses for sale and/or sitting empty. It looked to me like "America For Sale". But there was also a lot of corn being grown and I wondered how much of it was actually going to food.

Well, I've rambled on too long about our big redneck family vacation. But it was very fun, and it's so important to make memories in these special ways.

Mom and Dad Skating Together

Wow, what a wonderful rare treasure I discovered! These videos are from a Christmas show put on at Ober Gatlinburg in December 1982. I have no idea of the name of the little boy is in the "Mommy Kissing Santa" scenes:



And I remember only one of the other ladies skating with my mom in this one:

Take a Bow, Say Goodbye

Just as I did ten years ago when I performed this tribute, I've decided to overcome my critical self-consciousness and share this video:

Unchained Melody

The following video is my dad's 1998 skating tribute to my mom who had died in January 1997. He had retired from his work nine months before and had let his hair grow long. He was 60 at this time, and in pretty good shape. I designed and made his skating shirt. Of course, the music is "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers, which is best known as the love theme from the movie Ghost, but it had been one of his and my mom's favorites long before that.

Fancy Cement Pond

The title comes from The Beverly Hillbillies show I grew up watching. They called their swimming pool a "cement pond."



Well, ours isn't quite as fancy as theirs, but it's not too bad:



They just finished the fence today, but the pool itself has been done for a little over a month. We still have some landscaping, etc, to finish. The kids couldn't wait for the water to warm up, so they went swimming when it was still 68 degrees. Last week the water warmed to about 74 so I got in it too. But now it's colder again because we're having a cold snap. We can't wait until summer when it's consistently warm. And the way my body has been aching lately it will be very therapeutic too.

Here are pictures of the building process which began last October:







Well, since I didn't get to have a big party for my 40th birthday, maybe I'll just have a big pool party this summer. ;-)

I'm very pleased with the builders and recommend them to anyone in our area who's looking to build a pool.

Pools By Heritage

L & M Ornamental Iron (fencing)

Landslide

(this is for you, Daddy)

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'cause I built my life around you
But time made you bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too
So

I've been afraid of changing
'cause I built my life around you
But time made you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
I'm getting older too

So, take this love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down, down

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
Well, well, the landslide will bring it down

"Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac

My dad always thought Stevie Nicks was very beautiful and sexy, even though she got 'fat' as she got older.

Many thanks to those who have left comments in the last couple of weeks, and I'm sorry for not being able to acknowledge them sooner. The last 6 or so weeks have been incredibly intense and exhausting, and I'm trying to slowly process it all. Probably at this point I'm in the numb stage, until some small thing happens to trigger a landslide of emotions. Please forgive me if I seem to dwell on these things in the coming weeks and if I keep bringing it up. I'm not sure what I've said here already so I should go back and reread the recent posts. I'm also sorry if I repeat myself a lot. That's just part of the grieving process. It all still seems so surreal.

Dad's Obituary

For details and funeral arrangements please see my dad's obituary in the Knoxville News-Sentinal and online.

He's Gone

My dad passed away at about 1:30 am this morning. He was very peaceful because he had just gotten home from the hospital and set up with hospice. We'll be making funeral arrangements this afternoon.

I Can See Clearly Now

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-shiny day

"I Can See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash

Happy Easter Sunday, the most holy of the Christian holidays. Easter is early this year, and our weather has been pretty cold but pleasant enough. We had some egg hunts at my dad's house this afternoon. He's not doing as well as he was, mostly because the stupid doctor on Friday told him he was "worse off" than a week ago. You'd think by now they would understand the powerful psychological consequences of their words on their patients. Well, whether we acknowledge it or not our minds and psychology are quite powerful and influential in our fates.

24 Although Thomas the Twin was one of the twelve disciples, he wasn't with the others when Jesus appeared to them.

25 So they told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But Thomas said, "First, I must see the nail scars in his hands and touch them with my finger. I must put my hand where the spear went into his side. I won't believe unless I do this!"

26 A week later the disciples were together again. This time, Thomas was with them. Jesus came in while the doors were still locked and stood in the middle of the group. He greeted his disciples

27 and said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and look at my hands! Put your hand into my side. Stop doubting and have faith!"

28 Thomas replied, "You are my Lord and my God!"

29 Jesus said, "Thomas, do you have faith because you have seen me? The people who have faith in me without seeing me are the ones who are really blessed!"

John 20:24-29

Resurrection is psychologically pleasing. And I really cannot see or find any totally convincing argument against the possibility that our consciousness lives on after the physical body dies. Believe me, I have looked and many people have tried to tell me over the years.

Free will is inherent in humans. It is one of the traits that separates us from the "lower" animals. We determine (or limit) our destiny by our choices. I hope I don't really need to list examples to prove my point. This is a basic fact.

If one chooses to reject an afterlife he is essentially committing spiritual suicide. As a conscious entity, the mind determines whether or not it goes on. If the mind has convinced itself that physical death is the end of its existence, then it will be. This is completely consistent with the Christian idea of accepting, or not, that Jesus's teachings are the true path to God and His (our) Heavenly home (afterlife for our consciousness/mind/soul) somewhere in the whole of the Universe (other than the dimensions we know in physical life). Hell is permanent separation from God, and if the consciousness stops itself at physical death then that's definitely a permanent separation from God, or in other words, spiritual suicide.

Now let me switch over to my shamanic mode for a minute. One of the main jobs of the shaman in a community is to help people prepare for death. Nearly all societies have had some kind of rituals to help people move from one "world" to the next. This is the aspect of shamanism that I have been most uncomfortable about, yet as I look back at my adult life it is one of the most prevalent. Death has been a frequent presence in my adult life. My life situation has always worked out so that I was available to attend to the needs of my aging and dying grandparents. And my mother, and now my father.

I think I've always kind of intuitively known that this was my "purpose," though it has taken many years for me to "fine tune" my understanding (and acceptance) of it. So now, I'm facing the reality of dying and death yet again, and I must use any wisdom gained from all the cumulative experiences to help my dad prepare for the afterlife.

Okay, so in additional to attending to his physical needs during this process I will offer the spiritual support and encouragement that might ease his fear and anxiety about the bodily demise and the soul's movement beyond. I know that he is a believer and that his choice has been made.

Well, I've lost steam for a big finale here. Maybe I'll think of something to add later. Anyway, that is this Easter Sunday's sermonette.



I considered taking a page out of Lee Smolin's playbook and naming this sermonette something very pretentious and academic-sounding like "Resurrection and the Proof of God" (not quite a GUT but almost a TOE). ;-) I mean, now surely, mustn't I be at least as smart (or funny, maybe) as he is? ;-) But my spunky mood faded.

Some Improvements

Thanks to everyone who has offered comments, prayers, and encouragement. Over the last few days my dad seems to be gaining strength each day. His mood and breathing are improving too. He is about halfway through the radiation regime, and tomorrow morning we will get a report from the doctor on how the treatments are working so far. It certainly looks to my untrained eye that something is working. Actually, I feel fairly strongly that my dad will get somewhat better in the next few weeks, as long as the chemo doesn't weaken him too much. His next chemo is on Monday, but he did not have one this week. And I'm pretty sure that's why he's feeling more energetic now.

Happy Spring.

Cancer Sucks

Sorry for the long silence. It's been a busy time and I just haven't felt up to saying much here. My dad is getting radiation treatments daily for the next two weeks and chemo once a week. After the radiation they will probably increase the chemo but we are keeping options open. Right now, the chemo is a low dose of Taxol and Carboplatin. On Friday this week they will do a CT scan to see if the tumor is responding to the treatments. Well, 'needless to say' (I'm violating my personal aversion to and prohibition of that phrase) it's very difficult to see my dad so ill. It's especially hard for David because he and my dad are very close and it's been less than a year since his dad died. Sometimes life punches us in the nuts.

So It Is

Sorry to have to say it, but my dad does have lung cancer. We don't know yet the prognosis, etc, but he will begin radiation treatments next week sometime. Well, we all are pretty devastated even though we kind of knew this would probably happen at some point since he smoked all his adult life. I can't get angry at him for smoking because I understand that times and the world were much different when his habit was entrenched. And he did drastically reduce it in recent years.

I feel a bit numb right now, though moments of emotion break through. It recalls the sadness and disappointment of my mother's and grandmother's illnesses over a decade ago. Knowing that we all face these things in life doesn't make it any easier when it happens.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.