Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Hurting Hoe

I'm going to the Hoe doctor this afternoon at 3:30. We'll see just how much of a hypochondriac I am or if I've missed my calling as a diagnostician (that is a word, I looked it up to make sure I didn't make it up). I just got back from taking my oldest Hoe-ling to the doctor to make sure his pneumonia was all cleared up. Yeah, I have three little Hoe-lings, and no, we usually aren't so sickly.

Sometimes my overactive little Hoe brain gets carried away and imagines some wild things. I'm currently entertaining the thoughts that I might be married to a Pitch Fork in disguise. I tried to do the Quiz giving the answers I thought the Mister would choose, but the result was a Guitar and that just didn't really seem to fit him. I guess it doesn't work unless you do your own quiz. I can't really elaborate at this time about the source of my suspicions about this man I've been married to for 14 years. You can be certain that if I'm right you'll be hearing about it. But if nothing more is said then it means that I was engaging in foolish speculations.

I do have a high tolerance for pain. That doesn't mean that I'm happy to hurt and that I don't complain. But it does mean that the pain that would put someone else in bed doped up with pain killers just makes me really grouchy as I go about my usual business. Such is life as a Hoe. So since I'm hurting pretty bad right now I'm a bit grouchy. Please accept my apologies for that.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Not Quite Fabulous Enough...

I just discovered that I've been listed on the Bloggies list of "Fabulous, but not quite fabulous enough" which pretty well describes my whole existence. Am I pleased? Well, sure, any attention is better than none at all. Am I discouraged? No, actually, it makes me want to try that much harder. See, I've always been one of those people who didn't attract attention by being pretty or otherwise good-looking. Most Hoes aren't really beautiful in the 'traditional' sense. So we make up for it by hard work. And I'm in good company as previous Hoe of the Day gina is also on the same list. However, I'd say she belongs on the Fabulous enough list.

And an update on the shingles issue, I'm in a lot of pain today. I will definitely go to the doctor tomorrow. I wonder what kind of pain medicine I can talk him into giving me. Too bad I can't get a prescription for medicinal marijuana. I'd say that is safer than oxycontin. And actually, I would refuse a prescription of oxycontin anyway, just like I refused a prescription for xanax about 12 years ago. That doctor was trying to treat my depression with xanax. Not real smart. I was depressed not an idiot.

Well, this is about all my not fabulous enough self can stand right now.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Hypochondriac Hoe

I think I've got shingles. I've looked it up and my symptoms fit the description. Does anyone know more about it? Yeah, I'll go to the doctor after the holiday if it's not getting better. But I'm just curious if anyone has any personal experience or insight about it. Thanks!

Saturday, May 28, 2005

A Hoe's Theory of Stuff, regurgitation part 2

I've been studying shamanism for a few years. I don't have a teacher or anything. It's just self-directed study. A big part of what I've studied, as I referred to in the Totem Hoe post, is animal medicine. By medicine I mean the symbolism and messages they bring us. I try to be in harmony with the world around me and when you do that you can see that we all, even plants and animals, are connected. I know this might sound way out there, but these ideas and practices have been around longer than most organized religions.

For some reason I feel the need to discuss a particular kind of animal medicine. Perhaps someone out there needs to hear this message. I don't know. Maybe I just want to write about it for my own benefit. The reason doesn't ultimately matter though. The animal I want to talk about is the Skunk. Yes, laugh if you like, skunks are funny little creatures. But their medicine is just as valuable as any other's.

Skunk represents reputation and sexuality. One of my favorite movie quotes is from Gone With the Wind when Rhett Butler tells Scarlett, "With enough courage, you can do without a reputation." That can easily apply to the stinky little skunk as well as to people. But Skunk medicine is more complex than that. We all know that the skunk can spray its scent in defense, and it's an effective defense at that because it has such a distinctive and permeating odor that the primary reaction to it is to run away. This makes us give great respect to a skunk. But it's message isn't to bully people around with a stink to make them respect you. Skunks are peaceful and shy animals. They always give ample warning before spraying. Their lesson is for us to learn how to manage the energy we sent out to the world because that is what gives us our reputation. If you sent out negativity then people will think of you as a stinky person they want to avoid. But if you sent out positive energy then people will be drawn to you.

That brings us to another lesson of Skunk. We must be careful about the kind of energy we send out because it is possible to manipulate or mislead others. Sometimes people with strong Skunk medicine are what we would consider very sexy and alluring because they exude that kind of energy. They send it out and it permeates like the skunk's scent. Scent is very closely related to sexual responses. It can become easy for someone to abuse their Skunk medicine by luring people with the promise of something they don't plan on delivering. That kind of deception is the result of low self esteem. People must learn that they are valuable to others in more ways than the sexual. But I'm not saying that sexual energy is a bad thing. It's not. It's a great thing. But we must be careful not to use it to manipulate others.

Well, that's just a basic description of Skunk medicine. So the next time you smell or see a skunk (and you'll almost always smell one before you see it) think about your reputation and how it's determined by the energy you send out to others. And to paraphrase Rhett Butler, with courage you can deal with whatever reputation you have or you can change it.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Busy Hoe

Apologies for slacking on my Hoe duties the past couple of days. It's been a crazy busy week. I promise to the bottom of my Hoe heart to make up for it soon. Maybe I'll nominate myself as Hoe of the Day just because I can. LOL

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Wednesday's Hoe of the Day

I can't believe I haven't already honored Gina with Hoe of the Day. So here's to you Gina! Congratulations!!

Oh, yeah, and join the Jolly Rancher experiment. I don't like them myself because they are hard and square and hurt the inside of my mouth. Like any good Hoe I prefer roundish things in my mouth.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Tuesday's Hoe of the Day

Today's honor goes to our favorite blogger, Nick Danger. We miss him and hope that he will soon return to the blogosphere. It's just not the same without him.

Monday, May 23, 2005

A Hoe's Theory of Stuff (or A Regurgitation of All I've Ever Learned) part 1

Senses. Sensory. Sensuous. Sensual. Sentient. So-called Modern Man has 'integrated' his senses so much that he has forgotten how to focus on them individually. The average person looks without seeing, hears without listening, touches without feeling, smells without recognition, and tastes with only a third of their tongue. But we are sensory beings. That is part of this life's lesson. It's that whole 'spirits on a human journey' thing. We should be more appreciative of these senses we have only for the time we are here. We shouldn't be so quick to condemn our sensual natures. I think some people are so frightened and overwhelmed by their senses that they assume they are bad or wrong. But they are the very thing that make us human and give us our experience of life.

It all starts with touch. I'm a very visual person. Some people are very auditory. Some are more attuned to taste or smell. But if you think about it, all of our senses can be traced back to touch. One-celled organisms can only sense their environment through touch. As organisms get more advanced they add taste and smell. And then even more advanced organisms develop sight and hearing, which are the most complex senses. After that comes the 'sixth sense' which is intuition or intelligence to put it all together. So while I'm a visual person I am actually responding to my eyes feeling the light waves touching them. Then the nerve cells repeat that touch all the way to the part of the brain that processes vision. When I see something really beautiful it's like rubbing velvet, which I love. If you don't like rubbing velvet then think of doing something that you do really love. Maybe it's hearing music that sends you to some perfect place. The tactile origins of hearing might be a little easier to describe because we all know that the sound waves move the little bones in our ears which then send that percussion to the auditory part of the brain. It's easier to 'see' that the bones are touching each other and so on. Just think of light waves in the same manner and you can see that it all starts with touch.

When we integrate our senses we tend to dull them down to a point of not being very acute. I don't think it's because our brains aren't capable of handling all the senses at full strength. I think it's mostly laziness. I have more to say about this but I've lost my train of thought and will have to return to it later.

Monday's Hoe of the Day

Today's honor goes to mr_g! Congratulations!! I know it doesn't compare to a BMW, but it's all I've got. Here's to mid-life crises!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Hoe of the Day

Today's honor goes to Hall who is one of the best writers I've had the pleasure of reading. His blog is one of those treasures waiting to be found. So click and read, people, because it's that good. Congratulations Hall!

update, 12-31-06: Well, isn't this a humorous little coincidence? When this post was first published the linked blog was by some guy who was a runner and an excellent writer, but he disappeared soon after being nominated Hoe of the Day. I don't think the two were at all related. ;-) Well, now the linked blog is Cat Pictures Gallery. I think it's mostly one of those blogs set up just to make money off the ads and stuff, but it does have some really cute kitten pictures. ;-) I totally SWEAR on the Bible that I did not know about this before right now. You do have to admit that it's a pretty funny random connection.

(I should restart the Hoe of the Day or at least Hoe of the Week in the New Year.)

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Hoe of the Day

And today's honor goes to Tayster for introducing me to Star Wars Gangster Rap on his blog. Congratulations dude!

Long-winded Hoe...

My last post got cut off because I guess I was exceeding my character limit. My apologies for the squished up paragraphs. Basically, I was finished talking about Hoe music for now, but I just want to add that anyone who is musically adventurous should find some Les Baxter and give it an open-minded listen. It's essential music for a Hoe's collection.

A Hoe Gets Serious...

As much as I love to play and have fun I have a serious side too. I've been thinking about writing a post discussing Hoe music. Of course, there's all kinds of hip-hop/rap Hoe music, but I'm probably not even going to go there right now. Maybe later. But right now I want to go back several decades to the 1950s. I've been listening to a cd set I got a few years ago. It's The Exotic Moods of Les Baxter. I bought it because I've always been on the lookout for different kinds of music, especially non-lyrical music for when I was skating and music with words was discouraged for competition. I know that seems odd for one who also maintains a blog called Lyrics of the Moment, but I'm an odd Hoe to say the least.

So, who was Les Baxter, you ask. Well, I didn't know him until I got these cds, but you've probably heard his music somewhere in the background of your life. Here's a quote from the liner notes that helps put him into perspective:

"Even in an age of electronic media, some historic moments go unrecorded. Such a turning point occurred in early 1956, when Les Baxter shared a TV variety show billing with a young Elvis Presley. Here was the immovable object meeting the irresistible force. Ultimately, the irresistible force won out. Today we know all about Elvis.... But we don't much know about Baxter, who in the mid-fifties was a pop sensation, bigger than Elvis and peering straight through this world into places far-away. And then -- boom -- Baxter met Elvis, and Elvis extinguished everything that came before him...
"Baxter's was leisure-time music for adults... This stuff is wonderfully batty. If Baxter's oeuver was wildly commercial then, now it seems wildly experimental, so serious it's funny and so funny it's John Cage [very experimental musician, I had to look him up]. This was the mainstream that time forgot..."
So what is his music like? Well, it's called 'exotica' and it's what you would hear in a tiki bar. It's the kind of music you can imagine in the soundtrack of a movie about some romantized, far-off, exotic locale, maybe somewhere in Polynesia or Africa or India or South America. The songs have titles like "Taboo" and "Temple of Gold" and "Jungle Flower" and "Voodoo Dreams." You get the idea. This is the music that brings fantasies of Indiana Jones adventures or maybe even the voyages of Sinbad, and I'm not talking about the comedian or the Disney animation. This is escapist music that has "... little or nothing to do with the genuine music of those places. They are Cold War fantasies of otherness... of a place where everywhere Americans go, they are liked. Loved -- these songs are hymns to Eros" (liner notes). Margaret Mead's Coming of Age in Samoa with its descriptions of the pagan and freely expressed sexuality of the 'primitives' had a big influence on Baxter's musical development. He "... understood, and wrote music for, the primitives filling up the American suburbs" (liner notes).
When I listen to this music I think about the contrast of our contemporary image of people in the 1950s with the image that this music inspires. "This was sensuousness devised to overwhelm the senses, to make commuter man lose all control" (liner notes). I wonder how many future hippies were conceived to this music. This wasn't the music of Ward and June Cleaver, or was it? It makes you wonder. It seems so avant-garde today that it's hard to imagine that so many of those suburban primitives might have been listening and doing other things to it. I can envision that some of the artists of the 1950s listened to it and that it somehow influenced their abstract expressionism. I can see the artistic gatherings where they smoked their dope and dreamed these exotic dreams. And people most certainly did smoke their dope back then too. As wonderful and beautiful as this music is under 'normal' conditions it truly shines when you listen in an altered state. However exotic this music is though, it is meticulous and impeccably recorded which only adds to its quirkiness. Sometimes I wonder how the musicians were able to keep straight faces while recording such odd music. And the 'aaahhhhing' and 'oooohhhhing' of the spare vocals makes me wonder what these people were thinking as they were performing. Were they thinking of technical issues such as breath control or were they carried away and fantasizing along with the music?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Evil Hoe!

I have a little evil streak in me. I suspect that there was a pitch fork somewhere in my lineage. You know, none of us are 'pure' anything, not even the so-called royals in England. Anyway, thanks to devilboss I have found the perfect air freshener for my car. I have got to have these:

Hell-O Satan (need one for each car)

Hell-O Satan stash box (for the stash, of course)

Jesus Ashtray (nice companion to the stash box)

And even though she didn't ask, I do believe that I will bestow upon devilboss today's honor of Hoe of the Day. Congratulations, devilboss!! And thank you for introducing me to the wonderfully evil products featured above. Sometimes I just have to indulge that little evil Hoe inside me....

Monday, May 16, 2005

Hoe of the Day

This post hereby pronounces that Lois Lane is granted the honorable title of Hoe of the Day for the achievement of having been the 47th hit on this blog. Congratulations Mrs. Lane!

(hey, all you have to do is ask)

Speaking of movies...

This weekend I just watched the movie Mystery Men. It was on my long list of want-to-see movies. I don't get to the cinema very often to see things when they are released, and I make it to Blockbuster to rent things on a very infrequent basis too. I found Mystery Men in the 2/$11 bin of dvds at Walmart. I figured $5.50 to buy it isn't that much more than $3.99 to rent it, and I've got it forever if I like it.

It was good. I liked it a lot. But I have to qualify that. I was a bit out of my mind when I first started watching it. The intro is very bizarre and I was thinking 'what the hell?' for the first 10 or 15 minutes. Then it started making more sense. And I was getting enthralled by the set design and all the weird combinations of sci-fi and white trash culture. The city was obviously futuristic, but the details were all right out of the Generation X catalog of pop culture icons. The Disco Boys and the Corvette limo were totally awesome. Casanova Frankenstein's castle was perfect with the gothic disco look. If I ever built a castle it would probably look like a gothic disco.

The 'ragtag' team of super-heros was funny. Of course I was particularly intrigued by the Shoveler. I think it would have given the story a lot more opportunity for puns if he had been the Hoer. But, I do realize that a shovel makes a better weapon than a hoe. Hoes are generally peace loving and not violent at all. Hoes just aren't well suited for conflict and fighting. We're lovers, not warriors. I've never heard of anyone getting hoed to death.

I think this movie is vastly under-rated and under-appreciated. I'm glad I bought it because it's like The Big Lebowski in that it gets better each time you see it (I've watched it 3 times so far). Even if the story of the 'little guy' being the hero isn't appealing to someone the look of the movie is worth the time to watch it. It's a real visual treat, as I think movies should be. That's why you watch a movie instead of reading a book, so you can see it.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Hoe Movie

click this link to watch my little movie I just made...


Hoe Food...

I just ate lunch that included some Fritos which got me thinking about Hoe food. There's an old country favorite called a hoecake. It's a little fried corn cake. Some people call them griddle cakes, not to be confused with pan cakes which are made of wheat flour and not corn flour. I'm not sure how hoecakes got their name except that it must have been one of those country things (must pronounce that as 'thangs'). *

Hostess makes Ho-Hos. They are yummy, as is typical of Hoe food. They are a lot like Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. But that's just too fancy a name, 'Swiss Cake Rolls'. Don't get me wrong, though, I love Little Debbie cakes. They are made right here in Tennessee, and I even got to tour the bakery when I was a kid. But Ho-Ho is the best name for a delicious chocolate and cream cake roll. Mmm mmm.

And it seems that Keebler has discontinued their Sunshine brand of Hi-Ho Crackers. I like that name too, Hi-Ho. I suspect that the low carb diet craze is responsible for the end of Hi-Ho Crackers. Keebler will probably regret their decision when everyone gets tired of putting their cheese on lettuce leaves or whatever they do now.

Here's a link to a Hoe chip. A company called Yo-Ho Food Products makes them. What a great name for a company, Yo-Ho. I haven't tried these 'Famous Natural Potato Chips'. I'm not sure if they are available around here. I like the packaging.


*I just did a little research and discovered the origin of the hoecake:

Made of corn meal, water and salt, and originally cooked on the flat of a hoe over an open fire, hence the name. Other regional names are Johnnycakes, johnny cakes, jonnycake, ashcake, battercake, corn cake, cornpone, hoecake, hoe cake, journey cake, mush bread, pone, Shawnee cake, jonakin, and jonikin. (from http://www.foodreference.com/html/fhoecake.html)

Ha! See Hoes are cooking utensils too. Can't do that with a Pitch Fork!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

You know you're a Redneck when your garage looks like this... Posted by Hello

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Famous Hoes

There have been several famous Hoes in the last century. We all can probably think of a few of them, but there are also a lot of Hoe wannabes. It's important not to be fooled by people like that. A lot of people might think that Britney Spears is a Hoe, but she's not. I suspect she's really a Pitch Fork in disguise. Anyway, probably one of the most famous Hoes ever was Mae West, gotta love her. If there had been a Hoe monarchy she would have been the Queen. Here's a picture for the younger folks who might not know who she was (god forbid).

Another one of my favorite famous Hoes is Ben Affleck. I think it's pretty obvious that he's a Hoe. His pal, Matt, isn't a Hoe though. I'm not sure what he is. There are a lot of people who diss Ben Affleck for this and that, but that kind of disrespect comes with the territory of being a Hoe (we're so misunderstood). He is kind of a pretty boy, but I was especially impressed when he was on that Bill O'Reilly show on FoxNews back when the Democratic and Republican conventions were going on. He is much smarter than most people realize, even though he is a liberal. Here's a nice picture of him. I like him with some facial hair.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Hoedown (noun, Date: 1841) 1 : squaredance 2 : a gathering featuring hoedowns

You know, that's another reason why Pitch Forks are all pissed at Hoes. We got a dance named after us. They didn't. Man, they sure were mad about that. Stupid Pitch Forks. Personally, though, I think that if they were naming the dance after us they should have at least invited us a few times. But, no. We were always left behind.

(I was going to write something really dirty about another way of defining 'hoedown' but I got lost in the visuals.)

Sensitive Hoes

Hoes have feelings too. I'm an emotional Hoe. I admit it. I'm as moody, insecure, and sensitive as a Hoe can be. It's totally true about people bringing down my self esteem when they don't pay any attention to me. I don't like hanging around with nothing to do. I can't stand the idea of being useless like a pitch fork.

Hoes are a tough bunch because we've survived the advent of a lot of modern power tools and equipment. But all of that has made us especially sensitive to the possibility of being put away and forgotten in favor of some shiny new thing.

Sometimes we get a little over-anxious when it's been a while since someone has put their hands on us. Our biggest fear is to be forgotten or discarded. Sometimes we are susceptible to trying too hard or overachieving in the attempt to avoid being disregarded or overlooked. If you see a jittery Hoe it's most likely because someone isn't paying enough attention to him/her.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like Weedeater. He's so loud and obnoxious and oblivious to what others think about him. He just goes about his business as noisy as he can, but he's not trying to get anyone's attention. He just is. And people put up with his bravado because he is usually a good worker. Though I've seen more than one Weedeater get beat pretty hard when his string gets jammed.

Well no, I wouldn't want to be a Weedeater. They don't usually live very long. What I do wish I could develop is a little more of Weedeater's 'devil-may-care' attitude. He just doesn't worry about things like Hoes do.

Monday, May 09, 2005

%@&#!!! Pitch Forks

In case anyone is wondering why Pitch Forks are so bad I guess I should fill you in. It goes way back to an old tool shed feud between the Pitch Fork and Hoe families. And of course it originated with accusations of cheating and illegitimate hybrids. Now, all of this happened long before these kinds of conflicts were played out on Jerry Springer's stage. But if there had been a Jerry Springer back then you can be sure that the old P.F.s and Hoes would have been on there hootin' and hollerin' and dukin' it out to the cheers of an audience of wayward lawn and garden tools. I can't really go into great detail because the feud was finally settled in court and there was a clause that all descendents of each family must not discuss certain details. I know that spoils it for all the voyeurs out there, but I don't really want to get into trouble for running my mouth too much. But let's just say that an old Pitch Fork was living up to his family's heritage.

Let's talk about Pitch Forks in history. They are bad news. They always have been. How do you think the Devil ended up picking a Pitch Fork for his tool of choice? That was a match made in Hell, that's for sure. And how many stories have you heard about some unsuspecting kid jumping into a haystack where a Pitch Fork was hiding? Lots, I know. And the poor kids always ended up impaled by the nasty Pitch Fork. Most of them died because of it. You've never heard any tales about Hoes killing kids like that. It just doesn't happen. Hoes generally stay out of haystacks to begin with. We don't like that texture of straw, and it's really messy too, which brings me to the jobs that Pitch Forks usually do. They really aren't good for much except moving hay around. That's about it. Honestly, and this isn't slander, it's the truth; Pitch Forks just aren't very useful. I think that's the root of their evil. They have such low self esteem about that it makes them mean. We all know that type.

Okay so that's a little background on that whole evil Pitch Fork thing. I'm sure I'll think of some other bad things they've been responsible for over the years, but that's enough for now. Just mark my words. Beware the evil Pitch Forks. They might appear harmless or at least non-threatening, but just remember, Pitch Forks are very dangerous.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Totem Hoe

About three years ago I had a session with a shaman who told me what some of my totems are. My main one is a mouse. Yeah, a lowly little mouse, but it's pretty accurate because mice are detail oriented and like to store things and dig, like a hoe. Mouse medicine is Scrutiny and Analysis which is good and bad. There is such a thing as over-analyzing and picking apart stuff. Oh, I know that all too well. This very blog is an exercise in that. Some of my other totems are hummingbird, butterfly, dragonfly, lizard, and spider. I know there are some others, but I will have to look back at my old notes and see if I wrote all of them down.

Hummingbird medicine is pure joy. They flee from conflict and ugliness, yet they are quite fierce and tough when they need to be. They exist to bring about happiness and help us find joy in all we do. They also teach us how to use flowers for healing. Hummingbirds will die if caged.

Butterfly medicine is transformation. The life cycle of the butterfly goes from egg, to larva (caterpillar), to pupa (chrysalis), to adult. The transformation from that occurs in the chrysalis is such a mystery. How a soft, wormy thing can become a beautiful, winged insect is amazing and representative of the potential change within us all.

Dragonfly medicine is illusion and the power of light. Dragonfly knows that the way in which things reflect and absorb light determines how they are seen. Dragonfly reminds us to remember that we can change how we perceive things, that we can shine the light on our illusions to help us see the truth.

Lizard medicine is subtlety and keenness of perception. Lizard can feel the vibrations and heat of their insect prey as they move. And Lizard's eyesight can detect the slightest movements. Lizard medicine is clairvoyance and the ability to bridge the conscious and subconscious, as in dreaming. Sometimes Lizard is called the Dreamer.

Spider medicine is creativity and the weaving of fate. By spinning its web Spider is creating the Universe and the fate of all who enter that web. Spider is a creator but is also a destroyer. If you are caught in its web when its hungry you might become its next meal. But we have to remember that feeding the creator is just as honorable and important as any other destiny.

Just like a totem pole this totem hoe has many components. We all do. None of us are just simple sticks, well, except maybe pitch forks.

Friday, May 06, 2005

A hoe in love...

The quiz says that I'm most compatible with toilet paper and toenail. But I'm in love with rolling papers. I love his pretty golden box and the way his next leaf pops up when you pull one out. I like his texture and that cute crinkling sound he makes when he moves. And I like his embossed design with the lions. I like details like that. No plain jane papers for me. That's what's wrong with toilet paper. It's just too plain and simple. Oh, toilet paper has its place in my life, that's for sure, but I don't love it. The only complaint I have with rolling papers is that he's kind of fragile sometimes. He just rips or tears when I least expect it. But I think it's my fault for demanding too much of him. He can only hold so much, just like any of us, he has his limits. But he really does give me so much pleasure that it makes up for any of his lesser qualities. I like to think he enjoys when I handle him, and fill him up and roll him around and lick his glue strip and press it down. Yeah, I'm sure he likes that. And I don't think he minds that I put him in my mouth and suck the aromatic smoke through him. He seems to like it quite well, so much so that he slowly burns so that he can get closer to my lips. I have to be careful about that though because he does get pretty hot and has burned me before. But that's love. Sometimes it hurts. But I think we all agree that it's worth it.

Yo mamma is a pitch fork!

That is this ultimate hoe insult because we all know what pitch forks do.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I'm a fancy hoe.

There are many kinds of hoes. They come in all shapes and sizes and all variety of materials. Some are small and light, and some are big and heavy. Some are durable, and some are crap. I'm probably one of those 'fancy' hoes. Not that I'm much to look at, but hoes aren't made to be pretty. Hoes are utilitarian whether they are fancy or not. Kind of like a real SUV, but we're not talking about cars here. We're talking about hoes. Some of those fancy hoes are made to be ergonomic with cushy handles. I'm like that. I have cushy handles. Built for comfort. No blisters or calluses will come from handling me.

This is a plain hoe. It doesn't have any special features. It gets the job done, but your hands might get callused or blistered if you use it a lot.  Posted by Hello

This is a hoe. It is a fancy hoe. It has two blades, a telescoping handle and a non-slip grip.  Posted by Hello

What is a hoe?

A hoe is 1 : any of various implements for tilling, mixing, or raking; especially : an implement with a thin flat blade on a long handle used especially for cultivating, weeding, or loosening the earth around plants.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

How it all began...

You are a hoe.

You are characterized as being used by others, when in fact it is the other way around. You are secretive, especially around those you care most about. Even though you are always one to take control of situations, people can sometimes bring down your self esteem. But don't worry. You have the opposite sex to make all of your dreams come true. Just don't be too dependent on your lover... he may be only using you to tend to his crops.

Most Compatible with: Toilet Paper, and Toenail.

Click here -- What Random Object Represents Your Inner Self?

That is by far the funniest, coolest quiz I've ever taken. A hoe. I've been laughing about this all day ever since I took the quiz last night. I even laughed myself to sleep last night. So, here it's inspired me to start a new blog all about being a Hoe.

Update: Unfortunately that quiz seems to have disappeared.