Monday, May 09, 2005

%@&#!!! Pitch Forks

In case anyone is wondering why Pitch Forks are so bad I guess I should fill you in. It goes way back to an old tool shed feud between the Pitch Fork and Hoe families. And of course it originated with accusations of cheating and illegitimate hybrids. Now, all of this happened long before these kinds of conflicts were played out on Jerry Springer's stage. But if there had been a Jerry Springer back then you can be sure that the old P.F.s and Hoes would have been on there hootin' and hollerin' and dukin' it out to the cheers of an audience of wayward lawn and garden tools. I can't really go into great detail because the feud was finally settled in court and there was a clause that all descendents of each family must not discuss certain details. I know that spoils it for all the voyeurs out there, but I don't really want to get into trouble for running my mouth too much. But let's just say that an old Pitch Fork was living up to his family's heritage.

Let's talk about Pitch Forks in history. They are bad news. They always have been. How do you think the Devil ended up picking a Pitch Fork for his tool of choice? That was a match made in Hell, that's for sure. And how many stories have you heard about some unsuspecting kid jumping into a haystack where a Pitch Fork was hiding? Lots, I know. And the poor kids always ended up impaled by the nasty Pitch Fork. Most of them died because of it. You've never heard any tales about Hoes killing kids like that. It just doesn't happen. Hoes generally stay out of haystacks to begin with. We don't like that texture of straw, and it's really messy too, which brings me to the jobs that Pitch Forks usually do. They really aren't good for much except moving hay around. That's about it. Honestly, and this isn't slander, it's the truth; Pitch Forks just aren't very useful. I think that's the root of their evil. They have such low self esteem about that it makes them mean. We all know that type.

Okay so that's a little background on that whole evil Pitch Fork thing. I'm sure I'll think of some other bad things they've been responsible for over the years, but that's enough for now. Just mark my words. Beware the evil Pitch Forks. They might appear harmless or at least non-threatening, but just remember, Pitch Forks are very dangerous.

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