Dear Britney Spears,

I bet your mother is horrified. If she isn't, she should be. Let me do a little proper mothering here in case your own mother is that clueless.

First of all, nobody really wants to see your hairless privates. Well, maybe some idiotic males do, but they obviously would look at ANY privates so don't be thinking that yours are all that special.

Second, please wear underwear when you're wearing a skirt. This is for your and everyone else's health and safety. Nobody wants to sit on a seat that your naked privates have touched. Well, maybe except for those same idiotic males mentioned above. I don't care how rich and famous you are, your ass is still nasty. And even OutKast sang about that:

I know you'd like to thank (think) your shit don't stank (stink)
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like boo-boo (poo-poo)
Yeah, roses really smell like boo-boo (poo-poo)

And I guess you never considered wearing panties to protect your own privates? Goddamn, the world is full of germs. But I guess if you let K-Fed (and who knows what other man-skanks) down there then you don't really care about the health and cleanliness of your poontang. By the way, I saw the pictures of you going barefoot into a gas station bathroom. Oh Lord, girl, you are just plain stupid. Didn't your mother teach you anything?

I hate to say it, but you are not fit to be a mother. You need to straighten yourself out, stop hanging out with even bigger nasty skanks than yourself, and take some parenting classes.

You are a walking health hazard to yourself and everyone else. Toxic, indeed. What a waste of a pretty girl. I mean really, you've grown up in a world that worships youth and beauty that has given you all fortune you could ever want just because you were pretty. Did this teach you to value yourself? Obviously not if you're exploiting yourself in these most offensive and irresponsible ways.

And by the way, totally shaved is so 1990s. Grown up women and grown up men have body hair. Hairless privates (male and female) are for those with pedophilic tendencies. If someone isn't mature enough to know how to handle some hair down there then he or she isn't mature enough to have their face down there in the first place.

So, please, if you have an ounce of decency, take my words to heart. Grow up, be a good mother, and wear underwear!

Sincerely,

Rae Ann, Vicious Momma

PS (2-23-07) Oh, honey, you've really got to stop drinking and whatever other drugs you're doing. Can't you see that you are totally ruining your life? And the life of your two little kids? Please, stop focusing only on yourself and your own needs and impulses. You have got to think about your kids! Do you really want K-Fed to have custody of them? Everything you are doing now is being held against you. I know how hard it is to pick yourself up and face the big troubles of life, but you have to do it! You are strong enough. You don't want to end up like Anna Nicole. You are still so young and have so much life ahead of you. Please, go to rehab and STAY there until you are straightened out enough to be the responsible parent that your boys need. You have been through a lot in the last couple of years: having two babies very close is enough on its own to make a woman go insane. But you must be a grown up and face your responsibilities. It breaks my heart to see someone self-destructing in such a dramatic and public way. Stop. Look at your little boys and decide that you want to be the mother they deserve. You can't get back these days that you're wasting. Pray to God to help you have the strength to face reality.