Monday, September 12, 2005

Yesterday, I Cried

Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile
of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
because I was a mommy who didn't know what to do, and
because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.

I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew what I didn't know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming,

Because

Yesterday, I cried

with an agenda.

written by Iyanla Vanzant



I had to go to the doctor yesterday because I knew I had a bladder infection that wasn't going to clear up with my home remedies. Thank God that there was a clinic open on Sunday. There was an elderly black man getting off a bus as I parked my car. He carried a small duffel bag. I waited behind him as he checked in with the receptionist. I checked in and sat on the sofa across from him to wait for my turn to see the doctor. He asked me if I was from around here. I said I was and asked about him. He said, "Oh, no, I'm from Lousiana." I asked if he had flown in the other day when some of the evacuees came into town. He said he did. My eyes started to tear up, and I said, "Oh, bless your heart. I guess you've been through a lot." He said not as much as some others. He said he was just glad to be alive and to be up here getting treatment. He said he had a lot of stuff back there and he wondered if any of it would be there later. I wasn't sure what to say. I asked if it was okay at the Civic Coliseum, and he said that anywhere was nice to him. He said he was going to look for a job so he could get back on his feet. I said that it was horrible what had happened down there. And he said that it 'needed to happen' and that they had been lucky for a long time. I told him that I'd always wanted to go to New Orleans but never had. He said, "Oh, it's a corrupted place. New Orleans has been corrupt for a long time."

The nurse called him back, and I said, "Good luck to you." And he said the same to me. I sat there and wept. Now I wish I had offered something other than some lame words. I wish I had asked if I could hug him at least. I wish I had offered him a job or a place to stay or something.

Sometimes we encounter people who touch our hearts. And sometimes they don't even know it.

4 comments:

DHammett said...

Conversation and kind words seem to be "just what the doctor ordered." :-)

Rae Ann said...

dh, maybe that was good enough for him, but I still feel inadequate. There can never be enough kind words though.

Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Rae Ann as I read this post tears started forming in my eyes, then I just started crying uncontrollably. I had to wait for a bit to start writing this.

I see exactly what you saw, it is all in my eyes and heart. I felt it coming through so strongly that it was as if my body went into yours. My abilities to feel other's pain, thoughts, and what was not written, but between the lines...is a gift I have....it is overwhelming at this moment.

We all look back from a second we could have done something, but in that split moment we sometimes wait or hold back and then that chance is gone. However, your kind words of showing your thoughtfulness I'm sure meant a great deal to this man. Please know that HE will be blessed and for him to have a positive feeling for his life was uplifting, but that does not change when we think of what we all have at home...and a portion of guilt arises in us that we should do more. Not one of us give nearly enough, but we are human. To me there was only one MAN that was willing to give his life for others, and to me that was the ultimate sacrifice or the giving....so that leaves us all on the short end.

Please do not cry or feel guilty, you were kind and loving....and that is probably what he needed at that moment...the respect you gave him and the smile of hope. I feel deeply that within his journeys he is going to be BLESSED...and this all could have been for you to have a humbling experience. Things happen in my opinion for a reason, and what resulted might have been it.

So touched by your feelings....and I will always remember this one.

Rae Ann said...

suzie, thanks! I'm so sorry I've made you cry too.