Yes, I'm in a foul mood, and it is acerbated by my body's insistence on causing me discomfort- emotional and physical. Why is it the same tooth is aching in the exact same way as it did exactly one year ago? It's weird. Did my dentist implant a timer in it last year when he replaced the filling so that it would begin bothering me in exactly one year's time? Despite my inability to track my hormonal cycle by monthly blood loss (sorry if that's too graphic) it appears that my ovaries are still functioning on 'schedule'. Thank God for small things, right? Even when you feel like shit. Following is my account of one year ago. At least it is somewhat better this year, only by a small degree. Still, I find the similarities troublesome, disheartening, and ironic.
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
Subject: welcome to my future
Time: 7:18:00 PM EDT
God, what an awful day. My mouth still hurts bad and my cheek is bruised and sore. Took my dad to Red Lobster for his birthday this afternoon. Then the kids swam a while in his pool. We came home and I just wanted to take some pain medicine and relax a little. **** left her basket of stuff in the middle of the floor and *** tripped on it and hit his teeth on the bar. Luckily no tooth damage or anything, but scary still. But I just blew my top. I yelled, "If y'all wouldn't leave your fucking shit all over the floor things like this wouldn't happen!" *** started crying and locked herself in her room. I knocked on it and asked if I could come in. She said she didn't want me to spank her. I said I wasn't going to. She opened the door but hid behind it. How bad does it make a mother feel when her kid hides like that? Fucking horrible. That's how. I said, 'here let me hug you.' She just cried and cowered in the corner and said, "You're mean! You yelled at me!" I'm sure she was thinking, "I hate you." I just left. I'm not up to this shit right now. I muttered something about '**** hates me. I guess this is how it's going to be the next 13 years of my life.'
So now I've disappointed **** by yelling and being a human and not a super mom. She's always saying what I don't do. I don't play Barbies with her. I don't this. I don't that. Not like ******'s mom. All due respect, but, she only has one kid and she's hardly there with her because she works all the time. ******'s over here more than she's at home. If I'm so fucking bad then move in with ******'s mom. And see how you like it. Jesus. I'm not perfect. No one is. I'm tired of trying.
I've just about reached my threshold for enduring pain and discomfort. I'm at my breaking point here.
Jonathan Cainer seems to recognize this too.
Aquarius, June 9, 2006:
"On balance, you are slightly more annoyed about the things that just won't change than you are by the things that just won't stop changing. It is, though, a close run thing. You are bothered almost equally by both. You are not expecting a relaxed weekend. You may not have created or caused a tense situation but you appear to have walked right into the middle of one... and you can't see a way to back out. I, though, predict a lot more ease, success, and enjoyment than you now anticipate."