A Multitude of Sins

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

Losing My Religion by REM

Continuing with some Bible study the next chapter I've been meditating on is James 5. The beginning of the chapter is a spiritual warning to the wealthy oppressors who have exploited everyone so that they could live lavishly. Many people today seem to believe that is a modern problem but it has existed from the beginning of civilization. Then James 5 goes on to encourage people to be patient and kind with each other through their suffering because the time of judgment will come:

7 Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. 8 You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. 9 Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

Believers are then called to gather in prayer in order to share blessings, sorrows, and other concerns so that the power of prayer can heal them:

13 Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

We are told to confess our sins to one another so that we can be healed and forgiven. That is hard for me because I want to hide my shame and don't want others to think less of me. Sometimes spiritual obedience has been a sore spot for me. While I'm usually a pretty good rule follower and try to do the right and correct things most of the time I am not perfect and give into tempting thoughts. I don't like to admit that.    

Every whisper, of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this, consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come flailing around?
Now I've said too much

Losing My Religion by REM

In my mind I have committed a multitude of sins and I find myself choosing my confessions as if any are less sinful. The Ten Commandments are mostly about actions we should and should not do to be free of sin, but that last one about coveting covers all the sins of thought. And really, coveting seems like the motivation of most of the other action sins (murder, theft, adultery, lying, idolatry). When we want what isn't ours we are tempted to do those things to have our way. 

Choosing my confessions. Well, maybe I'm not ready to reveal my worst even with the promise of forgiveness and healing. The hint of the century, the slip that brings me to my knees. Lord, help me, I'm not lost but I am longing for a path that isn't mine.

19 My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, 20 remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

   

Ecclesiastes 3

This chapter is so incredibly deep and profound. We humans think we are so all-powerful and all-knowing because of being made in His image, but we are in this temporary in-carn-ation of fragile flesh. Nothing is eternal and indestructible like God. 

The verse that has consumed my mind is 11: He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

The particular phrase that really sears in my thoughts is "set eternity in the human heart" and I think that is the definition of love. It is God's love and the kind of love we are supposed to share with each other - timeless, eternal, and all the things of laid out in 1 Corinthians 13. We can't fully comprehend it but that does not mean it is diminished or not real. "No one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

(Today I am feeling really very sad. Feeling hurt, excluded, forgotten. I need to shore up a couple of my Four Agreements mantras: "don't take anything personally" and "don't make assumptions." It's hard sometimes to let go of feelings -good and bad, but I know there is a time for everything and that everything that is has been before and will be again. God is testing me and I'm failing. I'm just a stupid animal, dust to dust.)       

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2  a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3  a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

4  a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6  a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7  a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8  a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

15 Whatever is has already been,

    and what will be has been before;

    and God will call the past to account.

16 And I saw something else under the sun:

    In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,

    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

17 I said to myself,

    “God will bring into judgment

    both the righteous and the wicked,

    for there will be a time for every activity,

    a time to judge every deed.”

18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 

20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

TURN! TURN! TURN! (Lyrics) - THE BYRDS

Not Karma, Just Aging

Turns out that my current shoulder troubles are not actually related to my youthful blunder. Apparently I have a 3-4 cm tear in my rotator cuff likely because of a bone spur rubbing it. The doctor say he didn't think it was because of the break in 1999. So I can let that stop being a source of self censure. 

I'm sure that the tearing is due to the increased physical activity of the last year. I probably overdid a lot because I had so much energy. Lots of heavy lifting, reaching, carrying, and exercise probably caused all the rubbing and tearing. The spirit's willing but the body can't keep up.

So let's just add shoulder surgery to this year's list of hard things. It's scheduled for the last week of October. Three months of recovery. Ouch.  

Be Still and Know

Psalm 46 has been on my mind a lot for a while. It does help to stop in the midst of life's chaos to just be in the moment, observing and sensing and existing without judgment or analysis but with gratitude and reverence. Whether it's God or Nature or whatever bigger thing one feels connected to it is calming to acknowledge and appreciate it. 

That being said, this week has been a doozy with the political assassination of Charlie Kirk. I didn't necessarily agree 100% with him but in general yes, we were of similar minds. He was so young and still being formed. His harder edges would have softened with time and life experience but that was stolen from him by an even younger man, deranged by social lies and propaganda meant to cause exactly what he did and whose life is now ruined as well as those of his parents. The Left has demonized the Right and has convinced too many young people that their families and neighbors who are conservative are dangerous fascists and need to be stopped at whatever cost. Well, Lefties, you are the real fascists. And the hatred that is the source of all your momentum is imploding upon you as the Right mourns the loss of a man who only wanted to have conversations. Gosh, someone else a couple thousand years ago was also killed for just talking to people. Not that Kirk was a savior but he was a martyr for the same cause. And instead of burning down cities, as the Left does when they are upset, we are praying for peace and giving each other solace. We are not the same as the Left. We know how to be still. 

Those who continue to blame the guns for the violence they encourage are engaging in idolatry - giving power to objects. It's not the guns. It's the people. And those who throw the bodies of dead children at us as ammunition against gun rights are the worst kinds of hypocrites. They don't actually care about those children. They are only using their deaths as props for their twisted arguments and to try to hurt those that don't conform to their twisted views. They don't really care about children when they are trying to justify and celebrate the death of a father. Two very young children had to witness their father's neck exploding from a bullet. Yeah, now tell me how much they care about kids.

Our country doesn't have a gun problem. (https://viciousmomma.blogspot.com/2018/10/happiness-is-warm-gun.html)  It has a mental health crisis. The 50 year experiment of closing down mental hospitals is clearly a huge failure. Mental health has always been the last area of concern for society, but it has become so obvious that what has been done is not working to help the ill nor keep the community safe from the unhinged. There are mental illnesses that are encouraged and promoted as protected identities. Doctors are taught to push pills for every complaint in the attempt to subdue, but that's just been more experimentation with negative unforeseen consequences. Prisons and the streets are full of people whose mental health needs haven't been met. And the mentally unstable are especially susceptible to nonstop manipulative media and propaganda that feeds their delusions and paranoia. I don't have all the answers, but first we have to identify the problems and that's what I'm trying to do.

Kirk's assassination was The Turning Point. It's very clear and obvious the difference between the Left and Right, their reactions to this event, and the strong consequences the Left is seeing for their hateful statements and reactions to his killing. Many eyes have been opened and they are making changes to their affiliations. This feels somewhat Biblical. I guess we will see how things unfold from here. Be still and know. 

On a kind of side note I am getting some feelings about this mysterious Comet 3I Atlas that is speeding into our inner solar system from the very far unknown. People are speculating that it's some kind of extraterrestrial alien technology or craft. Maybe it is. There are some valid concerns about its nature and highly unlikely trajectory. But it's more likely that it is just a very rare thing that just happens to be coming at a time when it could be seen as a big sign or harbinger. Comets have always been seen as harbingers of doom or big changes, and actually in my life the times that comets have been visible there have been significant life events, deaths, illnesses, and changes that soon follow. My primary thoughts on this one is that as it passes closer to the sun it will leave debris in the Earth's path that will have big consequences for us - either destructive impacts, new chemical compounds or elements, or even microbial seeds of change. Maybe it's some alien bioforming to make our planet more suitable for their invasion? Maybe it's a gift for further evolution of our own technology and state of being? Maybe it's Jesus's ride for His return? Well, I can't help but let my imagination consider all the possibilities, even the outlandish and highly unlikely. We all like to have our conspiracy theories sometimes. I am watching for news about it anyway and my ideas will adjust to new information. If nothing else I do hope that it will have a beautiful visible tail. Last year's Comet Atlas was quite spectacular and it did portend this year's impressive traumas.

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam

    and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

    the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;

    God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,

    the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease

    to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

    he burns the shields with fire.

10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

   

   

You Don't Have to Worry About Me

Just putting it out here that after yesterday's crashing out bit I am feeling much better today. I don't know what, if anything, has shifted or changed but I'm glad to be past that awful slump. It probably was just menopausal crap. But damn, why's it have to get so dark? 

Maybe just writing it out helped and also last night I tried to transmute it into a different form - visual and poetic (not good art or poetry but whatever). 

Water Energy

Breaking delusions

Can't say it out loud

The scary part

Knocked out of the boat

Drowning in turbulence

Overwhelmed

Battered by rocky obstacles

Feeling like last chances

Shattering pain

Loss of breath

Final surrender

Crashing Out

I've kind of gone quiet here for a while. Not because I haven't had anything to say but because I've been crashing out somewhat and haven't had the energy to do much of anything. It's not the angry, loud, flashy crash-out that happens sometimes, but it's the exhausted, empty crash-out. I'm not even sure I have the energy to write out how it is.

It feels like I've been disconnected from some power supply that was helping me feel motivated to do all the things I want and need to do. It feels like depression but I'm not really sad exactly. Just empty. I tend to think that it's the loss of estrogen hitting all at once this summer. 

I guess the supernova of last year has finally evaporated after this year's wake of "equal and opposite" reactions to the big happy energy that carried me through most of 2024. Yeah, that's exactly how I would visualize it: a massive supernova, bright beautiful, energetic rushing forward. But all big releases of energy create a backwash, an equal and opposite reaction, a vacuum of emptiness. It might not be as obvious but it is there. I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense but how I feel doesn't make sense either.

I am actually the healthiest physically I've been in over 25 years, and I was feeling that until just recently. I guess I should talk to my doctor about hormone replacement therapy. I didn't want to go that route and wanted to do this "change of life" naturally, but damn, it's getting rough. I need to talk to her about the risk factors before making a decision. The brain fog, loss of energy and motivation, fatigue, and moodiness are getting hard to overcome with my usual methods. I can literally feel myself aging, and it's not pleasant. I'm just worn out.

And to be completely honest the hardest thing is the realization that I've already lived most of my life. I might get 20-30 more years, but who knows? And it's hard not to look back at the mistakes I made that continue to haunt me. Like my stupid right shoulder that I broke in 1999 because I was being stupid and overestimating my athletic prowess. It has flared up over the years, the last time 9 years ago, but this year it's been really bad. I got a shot in it in May but it's worn off already. The PA told me it probably would because there's a bone spur rubbing on stuff. I need to go back and have an MRI and probably surgery but I'm too crashed out to make the call. Another stupid thing I beat myself up over (this ridiculous phone paralysis which is worse now because of all the other crap that's bothering me). Anyway, I beat myself up over how I fell and how it continues to cause me pain and frustration. What little mental energy I have is spent in beating myself up over all of these things. 

I'm still hung up on the one thing that I really want. It looks like that is just another stupid thing that I can beat myself up about because it seems to be drifting away like that fading supernova, recaptured by some other preexisting gravitational pull. It was never for me. What a terrible trick of circumstance. Fuck you Universe.    

Feeling Talkative and Audacious

I'm always too full of thoughts and sometimes they overflow into spoken or written words. Usually it's just overthinking and oversharing things that don't matter in the grand scheme. I don't have a lot of people in real life that have the time or desire to listen to all the blather so I come here or some other social media or my private journals to let it all out.

One of my ruminations today has been about courage and audacity. It seems like most people are under the impression that they can't do the things that they really want to do because they either feel too insecure to try or because they think that those things are just not possible or way too hard. I've struggled with these problems too, and was thinking about things I wished I had the courage to do and say to people recently, but then I remembered all the times in my life that I have been bold enough to do really out-of-the-ordinary things. Even as a child I overcame my shyness and self-doubts to do the things I really wanted to do. I never felt or thought of myself as audacious or brave but now I can see how I was those things and how others probably saw me that way too all while I was feeling awkward and clumsy. 

During my skating years I set out on some really unique journeys for most kids. At the age of 10-12 I was spending most of my summer days walking to the Gatlinburg tramway from the Shoney's, where my dad was a manager, to spend all day skating. I would ride to work with him or my mom who worked at a bank in Gatlinburg. From the Shoney's (sadly, that Shoney's no longer exists - it was demolished to make a parking lot) I'd walk all the way to the tram (not sure the distance - maybe .5 mile one way), ride it up the mountain, skate 3 hours (10-1) then ride the tram back down, walk back to Shoney's, eat lunch, walk back to the tram, ride back up, skate 2-3 more hours (2ish-5ish), ride the tram back down and get picked up by my mom. All of this done all by myself, in the days long before cell phones. As a mom now I think that was kind of crazy to let a kid do that, but times were different then and Gatlinburg was more of a small town where people watched out for each other and their kids. Anyway, I was aware enough to walk with an attitude of "don't even think of bothering me" and I had my heavy skate bag to swing at anyone who might have tried. (never had anyone bother me)

Then other later summers I would go spend 2-11 weeks in other towns for skating camps, living with strangers whose kids also skated. Again, as a mom it blows my mind that my mom agreed to this, but I guess she really trusted me and the other people. Plus she was pretty psychic too and could read situations and people. The first away skating camps were in Knoxville for only two weeks, but as I progressed I got to go to the Atlanta area for longer camps, usually 6 weeks. The summer I was 14 I flew all by myself from Knoxville to Dallas, TX, to live 11 weeks with a family we had never met. I remember being somewhat nervous, but somehow I had to audacity to go. That same year I spend September- November living with the Georgia family skating full time and doing correspondence school (early form of homeschooling). It didn't seem all that out of the ordinary because I always felt very ordinary, but I also did realize that it was not a common experience. What might have seemed impossible or highly unlikely to many was just what I had to do to strive to reach my goals. Maybe I've always been a little "unrealistic" about what is possible because I've had opportunities to push the boundaries of what was possible or easy. (I was also lucky to have parents and other people who did so much to support my dreams. While there were the occasional mean people - other kids and some petty adults - most people were good to me.) 

I'm not bragging. I'm just pondering the reasons why I get frustrated sometimes when other people seem stuck in a mindset that they can't do things. If you tell me something is unfeasable I'll tell you a dozen ways that it is actually doable. I'm an imaginative problem solver. Impractical? Yeah, sometimes, but it often takes that kind boldness to make progress. But on the other hand, in the present day I find myself feeling a lack of courage to break free of certain constraints. Maybe it's more obligation than a lack of courage. There are a lot more people who are affected by my choices and actions now than when I was a child. 

Maybe these thoughts and revelations are meant to bring love to my inner child and appreciate what she did that was really actually very courageous and bold. I've mostly looked at the failures and disappointments but now I see that damn, I was kind of a badass little girl. Sure, I didn't have the fierce competitive nature to succeed in competitive skating, but I should probably be more proud of the way I pushed boundaries and took risks to find that out. Maybe I should be more inspired by her determination to try and not be so worried about failures and rejections. 

(To be fair, it's not been all rainbows and butterflies when I've taken this audacity to its limits. I've done regrettable things - regret that my actions hurt others but can't regret the experiences even the painful ones - while chasing some ideas. Those are stories for another time.) 

          

Mind Fuckery

I'm not sure that word is allowed here but I don't care really. 

It's just a yucky Monday and I feel stupid. Not the fuck-around-and-find-out kind of stupid (might be more fun) but the everything-I-think-is-fucked-up kind of stupid. 

The other night I was taking a bath and I noticed my phone's little red camera light was on even though I wasn't using the camera. I didn't have any apps open. Did someone hack my phone camera? Is that really actually possible? Lord help them if they did because they surely got traumatized by what they might have seen. Aging isn't kind to bodies. I'm trying not to think about it too much but the thoughts of people laughing and making fun of this random old lady in the most private moments make me sad and embarrassed. Embarrassment is actually fairly rare for me anymore. I've lived long enough to be mostly unbothered by other people's opinions, but I'm not sure we ever outgrow the hurt of being purposely actively bullied. It was probably nothing anyway. (Ignorance is bliss.)

There are ideas about the universe that fuck me up too. Like quantum entanglement. Meh. What's the point of that? I mean, if we want to be entangled then just fucking tangle in the real tangible world. Mind fucks are okay for a while but the time we have in the actual physical existence is really short so stop it with the mind fucks and get on with the actual fucks before it's too late. Yeah, I'm saying fuck around and find out. Maybe that's the real meaning of life lol. (Actually, it probably is the real meaning of life. We don't learn anything or get anywhere without action.)

Yeah lord, I'm in some kind of weird mood. Haven't been to church in three weeks. (Been out of town.) But I'm sorry to say that not even church has succeeded in stopping the mind fuckery.  I have no mental discipline.  Plus I think I'm just tired of all the work of trying to stop the mind fuckery. 

That's just a small bit of the mental orgy of nonsense that's fucking up my mind today. 

Now I'm lookin' at a flashback Sunday
Zoom lens feelings just won't disappear
Close-up darkroom sweet-talk in my ear
Her hot-spot love for me is strong
This freeze-frame moment can't be wrong   -  Freeze Frame by The J. Geils Band    

Karmic Passes

For a while I've been wondering what the Universe's decision was on granting the karmic passes I'd requested earlier this year. It seemed like there was no progress, but then I realized that this whole year has been my trial and assessment. Of course, the Universe wouldn't just hand over something so valuable without any kind of evaluation and payment. I was naive to think that all I had to do was ask. I did not expect to be put through a gauntlet of painful lessons and tests. Silly ridiculous me.

My needs seem a bit different now, after the serious ordeals of this year. I've learned a few things about myself and my life and my shadow and light. But deep down my feelings and desires are the same as they were. I've just learned a little better how to live with them. I learned that the person I was most afraid of hurting wasn't really the one I needed to worry about. And I feel like I got a kind of dress rehearsal for a possible future. I saw how self sacrifice would look and now I think I could handle the real situation much better and different. I saw that even if I am very happy I cannot impose happiness in others. They might or might not receive my happiness in a positive way just because they have their own perspectives and feelings. Maybe I'd hoped a karmic pass would allow me to move without consequences or complications, but now I've learned it was more about hoping for a freedom from judgment. 

I was considering the idea that the karmic passes were already used when the path I thought was opening ended up getting diverted. Again, I was naive to think that I would be able to manifest exactly what I wanted without repercussions or detours. Karmic passes don't prevent consequences, complications, or judgments, but they give us access to new pathways. Like a passkey. Maybe, I'm not sure, but I think I might have finally received my karmic pass. I could be wrong, again. It didn't come with any pomp and circumstance or other special announcement. And now that I think I might have it I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't have the courage yet to try to use it.     

Got a Story, Ain't Got No Moral

I've got a song, I ain't got no melody
I'ma gonna sing it to my friends
I've got a song, I ain't got no melody
I'ma gonna sing it to my friends

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

I've got a story, ain't got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while
I've got a story, ain't got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

I've got a dance, I ain't got no steps, no
I'm gonna let the music move me around
I've got a dance, I ain't got no steps
I'ma gonna let the music move me around

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

Well
Well
Well
Well

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

I've got a song, I ain't got no melody
I'ma gonna sing it to my friends
I've got a song, I ain't got no melody
I'ma gonna sing it to my friends

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Go 'round in circles?

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Ooh

Billy Preston, Will It Go Round in Circles

Well, well, well. I've got a story, and it ain't got no moral. Gotta let the bad guy win every once in a while. And no, I'm not the bad guy this time. I have a very strong intuition about something and a little bit of evidence, and honestly, I'm not really too upset about it... yet. Not sure I will be. I've got a dance, ain't got no steps, gonna let the music move me around.

Maybe I'll fly up high and circle around like a bird looking to see things from a different perspective. Not sure if I'll sing this song to my friends. Maybe at some point after I've observed and pondered things some more. Could just be my overactive imagination. 

What do you call it when a betrayal feels like freedom? 

Reverie

(Stupid AI picture, like is it that hard to put the bell tower on center of the peak?)

As I was watching last night's full moon rise and a passing thunderstorm the old disco song "Knock On Wood" by Amii Stewart came to mind:

I don't want to lose you
This good thing, that I got
'Cause if I do, I will surely
Surely lose a lot

'Cause your love, is better
Than any love I know
It's like thunder, lightning
The way you love me is frightening
Oh you better knock, knock

On wood, baby

Early funky techno. I like it. Grew up with it. 

I was feeling all reverent and holy and enjoying the beauty and power of nature, but as always my soul strayed to the sensations and desires that are ever-present but often shut away in their own little treasure box. Those things that we want but aren't supposed to want. So then the Hozier song "Take Me to Church" came to mind: 

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life

Sometimes I feel like I am the High Priestess of an emptiness, with no deities to share my reverence. And sometimes I feel like a Goddess with no priest or priestess to recognize me. I commune with Nature frequently but it can be lonely to not have someone who wants to share that. The Devil didn't want me so I've started going to God's house, looking for company and salvation and divinity. I haven't hated it. But I'm not a good Christian and I'm wondering when the other church-goers will figure that out. I know God and I know He wants us to be happy. Even when our earthly Heaven is lonely.

Good God, let me give you my life. 

Twenty Years of This Blog

I just realized I missed the 20th Anniversary of this blog which was started May 4, 2005. So much has happened in 20 years, much of it not written about here when I was so busy that I didn't have the time or energy to write about it.

Just a placeholder here to note the anniversary. Funny how time flies.  

Negotiations Part 6: Signed, Sealed, Delivered

It is about time to seal the deal. One way or the other. God does not judge us for the choices and decisions that others make, even when those choices put us in a position we are afraid displeases Him.  

In negotiations there will oftentimes be a side that feels like they are giving up more than the other in order for an agreement to be reached. The main question is "how much is too much?" Sometimes that answer changes throughout the negotiation process. Standing firm on our principles is important and admirable, but life is not only black and white. There is much more gray (and other colors) in God's creation and He designed it that way so that we can grow through the challenges of looking at the more subtle shades and hues and textures. All of these variables are part of the equation. 

God recognizes when we give up part of what we want so that a solution and progress are possible. He knows that sometimes we are forced into a position that we don't like, but He does promise that those losses end up becoming huge wins after all the aspects of His plan are fulfilled. In our negotiations we have to have that same outlook - that it will work out for the best as long as all involved are earnest and honest. 

There is no way to know for sure if agreed upon terms and conditions will hold up over time, and there is no way to predict all future variables and challenges. We have to trust that issues and conflicts in the future will be fairly considered and addressed. It's easy to think that the negotiations are a one-and-done process, but most serious agreements will need to be renegotiated after a significant amount of time or in the event of big life changes.  

Whether the deal is a beginning or an ending of something, or even an adjustment to previous deals, it is vital to complete the transaction. The concept of "transactional" is seen as a negative according to some relationship "experts" but in reality all of nature is transactional. To limit human interactions by reducing or eliminating transactional interactions is ineffective and silly. Give and take is the only way to get things done in life. No one can be completely self-sufficient, and no one can be so altruistic as to only act without any reciprocation or exchange. Even the concept of love languages is based on transactions/actions that express love. Delaying completion of an agreement causes frustration, anger, and resentment. When it is clear that no further adjustments to the negotiation can be agreed upon it is time to finish it. Sign the papers, free each other of the uncertainty, end what no longer works, begin new endeavors.

Sealing the deal, signing the contract is just the beginning of the journey.      

"Here I am baby,

Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours"

Stevie Wonder, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)"

Psychosocial Contagion

Social media is just overflowing with ridiculous psychobabble and terrible relationship advice. No wonder everybody is miserable, sad, lonely, confused. You have one side telling everyone to ghost anyone whose basic human imperfections and/or needs make them feel inconvenienced or uncomfortable because they are the toxic personality-disorder-of-the-week and it's purely "self-care" to block them from your life. Okay, as if any of us is perfect. Then on another side you have people pretending to be clairvoyants and empaths and whatnot who keep telling everyone that the person that ghosted them is coming back changed and ready to be perfect, just have patience and don't reach out to them first. Wow. Feeding delusions is not helpful. I'm struck by the numbers of people who are feeling stuck in situations where there isn't any communication. Well, humans developed language for a reason, you know. We all do better when we actually talk to each other, even when we are fearful of the reactions.  

I think I've changed my mind about TikTok. Previously I doubted its danger and thought the government dummies just didn't want people to be able to share information on an app that wasn't under their influence. I still do think that's part of the issue, but after it was briefly "banned" and came back I realized another problem that I'd kind of considered but hadn't really thoroughly examined. TikTok does censor language and people create code words for topics that seem to be sensitive to being censored. I've noticed a lot of these topics are somewhat fantastical like UAPs and other phenomena. It's frustrating to see a wave of videos of people who are claiming to see things that are obviously not what they are thinking they are just because they either never looked at the night sky before and don't know what's normal or they just want to jump on the trend regardless of reality. 

The secret and valuable TikTok algorithm seems to be made to create these psychosocial contagions. Things become viral and that is the actual goal of most TikToks because so many content creators are getting paid for views, likes, shares, and so on.  Of course, there are people like me who just post occasionally without really aiming for widespread viewing. But the structure of TikTok with its pay-out to creators who are part of the creator fund and with big enough audiences is based on getting as many views as possible. And big creators make a whole lot of money with their content. It is a contagion in that trends spread quickly. Many of the viral topics tend to be factually inaccurate, socially inflammatory (rage-bait), etc., but there is a also more benign entertainment.   

Anyway, no wonder everybody is confused and lonely. Social media at its best brings us together but unfortunately most of what's put out there is either unfiltered nonsense or overly filtered illusions that are so far from reality that no one knows what's actually real. There's a lot of psychobabble pushed by people who don't really know what they're talking about but might sound confident and believable. On one hand you have people pushing others to cut off everyone who makes them a little uncomfortable and calling it "peace" or "self care" or whatever other code word of the week. Instead of communicating and clearing up confusion or misunderstandings it's so much easier to just ghost people, go no-contact and pretend that they aren't any more than an actor in some internet drama class. Just as long at it makes you feel better and feel like you're winning some imaginary game then go on and be that way. But we are all people with feelings and needs and hopes and fears and none of us is perfect. All we really hope for is a connection that doesn't leave us feeling like a burden or bother. I come from the generation that was brought up on "go for it" and "no pain, no gain" and "just do it" so my natural inclination is to act, but this is met these days as being too much, or being aggressive, or insensitive, or whatever. I struggle with feeling pushy and intrusive and annoying. But sometimes I go quiet and hope people aren't assuming I'm uninterested.  

Add to the generational differences the way I grew up we never had instantaneous communication like with texting and social media. We had to wait hours or days or even weeks to hear from people. If something was urgent then we made phone calls or went to physically visit in person. We actually wrote real letters and mailed them in the old fashioned stamped envelopes and sometimes we never got a reply but it didn't necessarily mean the relationship/friendship was over. Some people just didn't write letters. So I get so confused these days with people who get in a twist over how long it takes to get a text back, but I also find myself falling into that trap of expecting quicker responses. I've never been that good at social cues and hints. Don't expect me to get hints - not because I'm dumb but because I overthink everything and consider every possible interpretation of a vague, or late, message. But I don't like to make assumptions based on too little information. Just give me all the facts, and then I can know what the hell is going on. Text messages are so empty of the rich texture of a spoken conversation in person. How are people really judging entire relationships based on text habits? I mean, god, just be real people.

This is the social contagion that is killing relationships - romantic and platonic and familial. The ones who push the ideas of "let them" and "if they wanted to they would" are only telling half the story. Sure, if someone doesn't want to be your friend or doesn't interact enough, then "let them" be what they are, but maybe make sure you're not just being an impatient prick before discarding people who just might be busy working or overwhelmed with stuff and not able to text you all day every day. Maybe they really do "want to" but there are things that are preventing or delaying them. On the other hand, people do need to make more effort to inform others of what's happening that might be interfering with communication. Don't assume people aren't impatient pricks who will cut you off when you're not giving them enough information to know that the connection is valuable. 

It seems like there are a lot of unspoken rules that we are just expected to know without anyone actually spelling them out. I hate that. Back when I was in school I always did really well on the yearly achievement tests except for the parts of the reading comprehension sections that asked us to infer meanings from short passages and stories. The answer choices were so confusing because it was possible to make any of them fit when you overthink everything and consider all the possibilities. The teacher would say "just pick the most likely" and I'd be like "there's not enough information to make that determination." I needed more information. Or the test authors needed to make the answers less vague. Don't teach kids to make assumptions. Assumptions are not good bases for decisions and good interpersonal relations.  

Well, I'm just blowing off steam and trying to make sense of this world that is giving so many mixed messages and expectations. I don't know if I'm too much or too little or too messy or what. So my advice to the world is to use your words. Speak and listen. Be patient and don't have so many expectations. Be slow to cut people off. Value yourself and your time and attention but don't overly inflate it so that no one can measure up. Don't fall for the psychosocial contagions that sicken relationships.

You know I'm impatient
So why would you leave me waitin' outside the station
When it was like minus four degrees?
And I, I get what you're sayin'
I just really don't wanna hear it right now
Can you shut up for like once in your life?

Listen to me, I took your nice words of advice about
How you think I'm gonna die lucky if I turn 33
Okay, so yeah, I smoke like a chimney
I'm not skinny, and I pull a Britney every other week
But cut me some slack, who do you want me to be?

'Cause I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean
You told me, "Get a job, " then you ask where the hell I've been
And I'm too perfect, 'til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I'm too clever, and then I'm too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it's that time of the month
And I'm too perfect, 'til I show you that I'm not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate, you hate

It's taking you ages
You still don't get the hint, I'm not askin' for pages
But one text or two would be nice
And please, don't pull those faces
When I've been out working my arse off all day
It's just one bottle of wine or two

But, hey, you can't even talk
You smoke weed just to help you sleep
Then why you out gettin' stoned at four o'clock?
And then you come home to me
And don't say hello, 'cause I got high again
And forgot to fold my clothes

'Cause I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean
You told me, "Get a job, " then you ask where the hell I've been
And I'm too perfect 'til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I'm too clever, and then I'm too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it's that time of the month
And I'm too perfect 'til I show you that I'm not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot

Oh-ooh, and I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean
You told me, "Get a job, " then you ask where the hell I've been
And I'm too perfect, 'til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I'm too clever, and then I'm too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it's that time of the month
And I'm too perfect, 'til I show you that I'm not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot

"Messy" by Lola Young

Sadness

I've been overcome with a sadness the last week or so. I don't know exactly why or what it is about. It just is. I'm trying to take my own advice from the tarot card I created over 20 years ago, part of a tarot deck I got about halfway done and got busy with other life and never finished. Some of the cards I still like but most are kind of bleh. Anyway, sorrow is the theme of the present.

I do know one thing that's added to the feeling. My oldest son told me this morning that he is getting a vasectomy later this month. I know it's his life and his decision and that it is reversable if he changes his mind but it still makes me a little sad. It could be that my already emotionally tender state has made me less adaptable. Maybe I won't ever get to be a grandmother. Maybe it's some kind of generational curse that my bloodline goes extinct. (yeah, very depressing thought but I am beginning to really question the future of the whole human race as so many good people are not reproducing and so many stupid idiots are, but really what do I care anyway since I won't be around too much longer - another depressing thought but mortality is real and if I'm average I might have 20 more years to live; all these dark thoughts bubbling up from the depths of whatever hell I've found)

Wow, there you go. Can't have light without the dark. I am just a little blob of organic matter on a little rock in a small system orbiting a smallish star in its midlife in a galaxy of millions of other stars in an endless universe so what does it matter if I feel sad about anything? (that doesn't really help but it's just attempted verbal exorcism of the demons in my mind) Where did this existential crisis come from?

This too shall pass, I suppose. I'm tired of having to let things go. 

  

Negotiations Part 5: Dealbreakers

Not all negotiations come to a satisfactory conclusion. Sometimes there are deal breakers that cannot be overcome. Every negotiation is unique and each side has their own dealbreakers that might not even be known until the negotiations are well under way. They could be anything, but dealbreakers generally should not be frivolous nor simple annoying quirks as long as they don't interfere with forward progress. 

One of the biggest dealbreakers is deception. Certainly we can't make meaningful deals with people are who are not honest and trustworthy. That one should be clear from the beginning. Sometimes the deception of withheld information is as damaging as outright lies. Hopefully all necessary information is shared during the discovery stage, if not sooner. 

The other big dealbreaker is refusal to engage. If one side does not communicate then there is no negotiation at all. Using this tactic to end negotiations is very immature. It is far better to speak up and explain that, for whatever reasons, there is no longer a desire to make a deal. If there are other reasons that make clear communication difficult then those should be made obvious so that the negotiations can be put on hold until those reasons are resolved. 

Negotiation is communication.

As for other dealbreakers they should be specified and communicated from the beginning or as soon as they are identified.     

"Communication breakdown, it's always the same" Led Zeppelin, "Communication Breakdown"  

Negotiations Part 4: Discovery and Unfinished Business

As negotiations proceed there is the stage of discovery and verification - which means learning details about each side's position, offerings, problems, concerns, assets, liabilities, aspirations, fears, etc., and where there is unfinished business that needs done before a deal is sealed. Usually unfinished business is part of its own separate complicated negotiation, and it is vital to the future of the negotiations for that unfinished business to be resolved one way or another. How it is completed will determine the direction of the negotiations. It is best to not try to influence those outside negotiations and to wait and see how they go and be ready to pivot your position or withdraw it altogether. It might be necessary to put a time limit on that process. 

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away and know when to run

You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done"

"The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers

   

Secret Heartbreak

The heaviness of the heartbreak that can't be shared is becoming unbearable. I don't want to set it down and leave it be because the pain of carrying it is at least something to feel. The emptiness of letting it go might be even more unbearable. I've tried carrying gratitude for all the blessings as a way to offset its weight. Unfortunately, guilt and shame want to jump on too because 'why isn't it enough?'

Maybe the answer is to just collapse under all that burden. Let it all fall down with me. I fear the sorrow won't end. Although all the previous sorrows have healed it has left me weary and scarred and reluctant to endure much more. I am tired. If I fall and drop everything what will I do with the loneliness that remains?

I need practical solutions. All the inner work and prayers and trying to transmute unhappiness into something else have given nothing in the way of real relief. I've been asking God or the Universe to help change my mental and emotional perspectives so that I can be more at peace with what is and what should never be. I've even given God or the Universe a couple of ideas about what might be helpful - I need a grandbaby or a boyfriend - neither of which looks imminent. Both beyond my control. One more practical (and proper) than the other. One that really shouldn't even be asked for but there it is.

I've spent almost 36 years of my life trying to keep a man's attention and begging for my needs to be considered. I don't want more of that in a new package. I need to feel desired and cared for in a way that does not leave me insecure, unsure, and confused. I do not want to feel like I'm a bother or annoying. So, God or the Universe, please take that into account. Maybe what I need is impossible to find. Maybe I'll just have to to find a way to get through the rest of my life keeping the most painful heartbreak hidden deep inside. 

        

Negotiations Part 3: Intense, Complicated Developments

The last 5 weeks have really wrecked me to the roots. First we got devastating news that was going to completely change the whole of reality. It was premature, but there was a long month of worrying and waiting to learn that truth. Along with the worrying and grieving what we thought was going to end, I allowed myself to consider other possible futures that could have been quite happy eventually. I wish I was not so prone to these imaginations and conjectures, but I think this sometimes helps me to get through the hardest times - creating some hope even if it's unrealistic and untenable. It inevitably leads to big disappointment - crash and burn. Of course I'm relieved that the worst news ended up being inaccurate, but do I have to beat myself up for being a little sad about the loss of the potential alternative future?

I had no idea that negotiating karmic passes would be so difficult, complex, and painful. I thought the point of the passes was to lessen those things, especially the pain. But the universe operates by its own rules and we really have to learn to go with it instead of trying so hard to steer and control. It isn't even control though. It's more of a need to be somewhat prepared. I'm questioning the actual benefit of the mindset of being prepared and thinking through the likely possibilities. I mean, when, really, has anything ever really gone the way of any of these speculations? I must be the worst ever at negotiations because I am too attached to certain outcomes and fall into disarray when those become unlikely or even impossible. How did I miss and misinterpret so many clues and details? Why do I jump to conclusions? Maybe it's confirmation bias where I just assume (should never assume but lacking actual detailed information makes it really hard not to) that I am interpreting things correctly. Such a disconnect from the heart to the brain. I am ridiculous.

I honestly do not know if these negotiations are over or just stalled or what. According to TikTok and Instagram I have "anxious attachment" in relationships. It fits the childhood and all the other experiences of feeling insecure and abandoned when I'm not getting enough attention or reassurance. The fear of being too much and wanting too much is part of that too. Over my life I've been rejected for having "unrealistic" expectations and needs. I know that expectations are problematic and I have sometimes been able to release the urge to form them. I want to learn how to accept things as they are and be okay not knowing. But is it too much as ask for some assurance? I think details and information are one of my love languages. I give a lot but also need a lot in return. Well, in this situation I feel restrained, like the universe or whoever I'm negotiating with is not really interested in my hearing all my details and information. I guess if that's the case then maybe there is no real reason to be negotiating at all. 

Perhaps right now is not the time to make any final decisions or proclamations. I am still reeling and staggering emotionally from all that's happened in these last 5 weeks. The word trauma is very overused these days but it seems accurate here. I am strong enough to endure and learn even while tender and bruised. Maybe these are some karmic payments for what has been proposed. I just don't know. The Serenity Prayer keeps coming to mind:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." (also the patience to get to that knowing)

"Finish What Ya Started" by Van Halen

"Come on baby, finish what ya started 

I'm incomplete, huh

That ain't no way to treat the broken-hearted

I need some sympathy

I like to look at the long run

I like to take each step, one by one

Right on time, you will arrive

By keepin' the dream alive

It's alive

And it's kickin'

Inside of me

So come on baby, please"      

Negotiations Part 2, Delicate

Karmic passes are delicate matters. Approval is pending. Need discussion of disclaimers and other details - delicacy required. Points of clarification include the requirement of 100% confidentiality and the definition of karmic currency, which is knowledge of the happiness gained therein. The value of this karmic currency is variable based on demand, so use sparingly to keep it valuable.  

  

Negotiations, Even Doves Have Pride

I'm don't like negotiations that much. I prefer accepting fair offers without too much back and forth. But some things require considering lots of different aspects, and the start value is very high on both sides. A strong way to start such negotiations is to open with a very large proposition which reflects the ultimate best outcome from our position. (This might be part of the art of the deal?) Oftentimes this first "ask" is somewhat unrealistic, though not impossible. Each side then has to make offers and counteroffers until they are both satisfied or decide they can't come to any agreement. It is important to get closure of whether or not the negotiation is really over. Unfortunately these days the concept of closure isn't appreciated or encouraged as much as it should be, but as social beings we must remember that things tend to go better when we actually interact and relate instead of just focusing only on oneself. I do agree with the idea that we are not responsible for other people's feelings, but I also believe that it leads to a lonely and frustrated world when we don't consider other people's feelings at all. There is so much focus now on the self that we might be slipping away from the true intention of being social animals. Sure, I can only control my own feelings and thoughts but I don't want to dismiss the needs and desires of people I care about. Life is all about negotiating these things.  

I've begun a complex negotiation to redeem a couple of karmic passes. I've put in my request to the universe and now I'm waiting. I especially don't like negotiating with the universe because it sometimes refuses to engage. The whole unanswered prayers are answers anyway deal.

"How can you just leave me standing
Alone in a world that's so cold? (So cold)
Maybe I'm just too demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied (she's never satisfied)" 

Prince, "When Doves Cry"

But sometimes the universe surprises us by giving us exactly what we've asked for or even something far beyond. Last year was so surprising in so many ways. I might feel like I am not allowed to ask for anything more after getting so much, but here it is. I am struggling a bit with staying in a place of restful gratitude. Maybe my lesson is patience and repose - quiet stillness (super hard for my ADHD-tism-like self). Meanwhile, the karmic passes are on the table. I guess the universe is evaluating my initial offer which might take a while, or it might decide to completely disregard it. Waiting is the hardest part. Even doves have pride.   

Deeply Scarred Heart

 

This can be a really hard time of year for me because it is approaching the anniversary of my mother's death. Some years it passes with almost no recognition or other notable feelings, but some years it hits deep and painful. Looking at the calendar I realized that the days line up the same as they did 28 years ago with her dying on Tuesday, Jan 7. And I am exactly twice as old as I was when she died, so that seems significant as well. Another factor is probably that last year was such a big happy year and so the sadness just feels bigger too. Equal and opposite reactions and all that.

My heart is deeply scarred and maybe a little tough. As a child I struggled with feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect because I felt like my mother was not there for me as much as I needed her. I'm not trying to vilify her or play the victim. It was just the way things were at that time. She longed for her own independence and autonomy at that time when women were fighting for equal rights and treatment and she was on the forefront. While I appreciate all of that I also have to recognize my own unmet needs. That generation of women did leave their children as sacrifices on the altar of advancement. We are all a bit scarred even if we don't recognize it. 

I'm not saying my childhood was bad. I just see now that the theme of inadequate connection and attention runs throughout. I had a good relationship with my mother. I wanted her to be happy and I tried to do whatever I could to avoid being a source of stress or anger. She was supportive of my dreams and aspirations and allowed me an unusual amount of freedom to pursue them. At the time that freedom did not feel so much like disconnection, but looking back I can see that I suppressed those feelings to avoid appearing ungrateful for the opportunities. There were several years of my preteen and early teenage development when I lived long periods of time away from home so that I could chase my figure skating dreams. I was physically as well as emotionally separated from home. Maybe all of that is why I seem to have some kind of attachment issues - trouble maintaining friendships but also sometimes becoming overly attached to some relationships. 

As a mother I've tried to be available to my children much more than my mother was to me. There are times when I look back and feel like I was not as emotionally available as I could have been, but I also recognize that grief and loss over my mother just as I became a mother were really significant factors. My kids seem to have grown up pretty well despite my failures and shortcomings. Being their mom is the source of my greatest happiness.

Another aspect of time that could be making this year's anniversary more emotional is that I am watching friends lose their mothers and the empathy brings back a lot of the pain of loss. It's never easy to lose a parent. I try not to feel envy that they've had so many more years of life with their mothers, and I try not to feel distain for those who've cut ties with their mothers because of toxic relationships or whatever other issues have made them feel it necessary to willingly disconnect. I'm not judging. It's just hard to relate. I am thankful that I am not having to watch my mother disappear via dementia. That has got to be the hardest thing to experience. 

It feels weird that my mother has grandchildren that she never knew. My oldest wasn't even one when she died. She never knew the traumas and difficulties involved in bringing my other two babies into the world. She didn't get to see the deep physical scars of my own motherhood. Those are as deep and complex as the ones that bind my heart. Deeply scarred inside and out. But also extremely blessed with these wonderful people who are descended from her. Worth all the pain and transformation. 

So here's to the memory of my mother. And the wondering what she'd really think about me now as I've aged beyond the years she got to live. Would she like me? Would she be disappointed in my failures and inadequacies? Would she admire that as a mother I've quantitatively had more experience than she did? Would she see me as the wise woman I'd like to be? 

Like the broken heart that has healed many times there is a toughness and maybe some sharp edges to navigate while working through these feelings. I will try to give myself the mother love that I've longed for, but I might need more than I can do for myself.       

2025 Early Thoughts, C'est la vie

Yesterday on New Year's Day I felt pretty good, but this morning I woke up with some kind of mood hangover (no alcohol involved, just hormonal stuff probably) that has me troubling (ruminating) over how to approach this new year. There is a bit of fear of loss, fear of losing the revival I felt last year. But I'm trying to remind myself that I shouldn't allow myself to depend on outside sources for my happiness or other good feelings. It's just hard to let go of the attachment that comes with something so rare and unexpected and seemingly fated, but now I think I have to face the hard reality that I misread a lot of things and I guess I need to own that and move on without beating myself up about it. I need to find my lane and stick to it.

This year maybe my focus will be releasing control and not trying to influence things with my own intentions. Just mellow out and go with the flow of things that last year put in motion, without trying to steer. Take the path of least resistance. Become like water. And if that flow ends up dumping me on the shore somewhere alone and half dead again I guess, c'est la vie. Release attachments. Release any expectations or even hopes. I don't really like that sound of having "no hopes" but it just means that when you have no expectations or desires then you won't be disappointed. Yeah, that's pessimistic. I will try not to be judgmental about myself and the mistakes I've made and the limerence that has been my fuel. Unrequited is the story of my life. Gosh, I am kind of depressed today. It will pass eventually. I'm just tired of driving. Somebody, Jesus, whoever, take the wheel.