Crashing Out

I've kind of gone quiet here for a while. Not because I haven't had anything to say but because I've been crashing out somewhat and haven't had the energy to do much of anything. It's not the angry, loud, flashy crash-out that happens sometimes, but it's the exhausted, empty crash-out. I'm not even sure I have the energy to write out how it is.

It feels like I've been disconnected from some power supply that was helping me feel motivated to do all the things I want and need to do. It feels like depression but I'm not really sad exactly. Just empty. I tend to think that it's the loss of estrogen hitting all at once this summer. 

I guess the supernova of last year has finally evaporated after this year's wake of "equal and opposite" reactions to the big happy energy that carried me through most of 2024. Yeah, that's exactly how I would visualize it: a massive supernova, bright beautiful, energetic rushing forward. But all big releases of energy create a backwash, an equal and opposite reaction, a vacuum of emptiness. It might not be as obvious but it is there. I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense but how I feel doesn't make sense either.

I am actually the healthiest physically I've been in over 25 years, and I was feeling that until just recently. I guess I should talk to my doctor about hormone replacement therapy. I didn't want to go that route and wanted to do this "change of life" naturally, but damn, it's getting rough. I need to talk to her about the risk factors before making a decision. The brain fog, loss of energy and motivation, fatigue, and moodiness are getting hard to overcome with my usual methods. I can literally feel myself aging, and it's not pleasant. I'm just worn out.

And to be completely honest the hardest thing is the realization that I've already lived most of my life. I might get 20-30 more years, but who knows? And it's hard not to look back at the mistakes I made that continue to haunt me. Like my stupid right shoulder that I broke in 1999 because I was being stupid and overestimating my athletic prowess. It has flared up over the years, the last time 9 years ago, but this year it's been really bad. I got a shot in it in May but it's worn off already. The PA told me it probably would because there's a bone spur rubbing on stuff. I need to go back and have an MRI and probably surgery but I'm too crashed out to make the call. Another stupid thing I beat myself up over (this ridiculous phone paralysis which is worse now because of all the other crap that's bothering me). Anyway, I beat myself up over how I fell and how it continues to cause me pain and frustration. What little mental energy I have is spent in beating myself up over all of these things. 

I'm still hung up on the one thing that I really want. It looks like that is just another stupid thing that I can beat myself up about because it seems to be drifting away like that fading supernova, recaptured by some other preexisting gravitational pull. It was never for me. What a terrible trick of circumstance. Fuck you Universe.