Monday, September 18, 2006

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

I'm not sure of the proper way to address your Excellency or whatever. ;-) Please forgive my American informality. With all due respect I admire your intelligence, reason, faith, and diplomacy. If I may, I'd like to make you an unusual offer. In light of the recent controversy over your words about the nature of Islam and the resulting confirmation of your statements, I'd like to provide you with an opportunity to express how you really feel about the death threats and other nonsense in a personal and private way.

Sometimes it's necessary to express our displeasure through some form of empathic projection or other therapy. I realize that you have a real close relationship with God and that He sustains you in all the ways you need, but I think God would not be too upset with you if you joined me for a little joyride. Sometimes when I'm feeling put-upon I'll get in my (red) Corvette convertible and drive around playing some loud music. This is a "safe" way to express the thoughts and feelings I have that I can't otherwise fully express in good conscience.

What in particular I have in mind is that we could listen to "Ridin" by Chamillionaire and sing along but change some of the words if you'd like. The first part is okay as is (actually it's the best part):

They see me rollin'
They hatin'
And tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
My music so loud;
I'm swangin'
They hopin'
That they gon' catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

Well, don't you agree that it fits with your situation? Those crazy Jihadists love to try to catch you ridin' dirty (criticizing Islam). In this next part you can think of the "police" and "law" as the Jihadists, and you can think of all the other stuff as just 'fluff' that makes you feel like a badass, kind of like all the papal vestments and all that. ;-) The parts that I've made bold type are parts that I think you'd really appreciate.

Police think they can see me lean;
I'm tint so it ain't easy to be seen.
They see me ride by, they can see the glean
And my shine on the deck and the TV screen.
Ride with a new chick, she like "Hold up."
Next to the Playstation controlla;
well have a full clip, in my pistolla
that I'm a send a jacker into a coma.
Girl, you ain't know, I'm crazy like Krayzie Bone;
Just tryin' to bone, ain't tryin' to have no babies.
Ride clean as hell so I pull in ladies.
Law's on patrol; you know they hate me.
Music turned all the way up and to the maximum;
I can speak for some niggas tryin' to jack for some.
But we packin' somethin' that we have
And, um, will have a nigga locked up in the maximum
Security cell. I'm grippin' oak.
Music loud and the tippin' slow.
Twins steady twistin' like hit this dough;
Police pull up from behind and I'm sittin low.
Windows down, gotta stop pollution.
CDs change; niggas like "Who is that producin'?"
This the Play-N-Skillz when we out and cruisin'
Got warrants in every city except Houston
But I still ain't losin'.

But really, the content of the verses is kind of hard to understand, and it might be better if you didn't understand them anyway. ;-) But the chorus is great and sounds really good in my car. The point is to allow yourself to temporarily feel the indignation and redirect it through the music and the wind blowing past you. It will make you feel better. I call it Corvette Therapy. :-) (for a preview, click here)

And I totally respect your oath of celibacy and all those other concerns. You do not need to worry about being in a fast sports car with a hot-blooded American woman. I promise I won't put a move on you or anything. You'll be perfectly safe. (you're a little 'mature' for me anyway) ;-)

So just think about it and let me know if you think you'd like to try it. I might even let you drive a little, which is a huge thing because I don't let anybody (except grudgingly my husband sometimes) drive my Corvette. But if you can't trust the Pope then who can you trust? Do you know how to drive? It's an automatic so it's easy, but don't let that make you think it's not powerful and quick and very responsive. It is. Very.

I'd be most pleased to be able to fulfill this offer. Thanks. And stay tough and hang in there.

Most respectfully and sincerely,

Rae Ann (a.k.a. Vicious Momma)

PS If you like "Ridin'" you might like Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot" too.

PPS Just last night I heard Weird Al's parody of "Ridin'" ("White and Nerdy"). Visit Weird Al's MySpace Page to hear it. It's hilarious!


Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

If the Pope gets this message, I would think he definitely would be tempted. He is pretty Hip on things especially with his love for high end designer clothing ie Prada, Gucci....why not a sportcar ride with a Vicious Momma? (smiling)

I would think at this point...he truly is sad by just how evil these Islamic radicals are and knows what he said is truth. The Muslims can't handle the TRUTH!! They are not violent...just their actions are. Ironic to say the least!! The clerics do preach that Muhammah ruled by the sword...and it is a fact.

Pope Ben Folds V said...

Dear Rae Ann -

Thank you for your uber-generous offer. I would very much like to cruise with you, perhaps the next time I'm in your neighborhood. And if you're ever in Vatican City, we can ride in my Popemobile...a fair exchange, I think. I must warn you I always keep the top up, though.

Don't you worry about the age difference. I have a lot going for me that most others don't. And while most people address me as "Your Holiness," feel free to call me Benny, or just Daddy, if you know what I mean. ;-)

Here's a link to another of my favorite songs.

With friends like this, I'm sure I can hang with the radicals if I need to.

See you in my dreams.

Pope Ben Folds V

Rae Ann said...

Suzie, thanks! He's totally right and we all know it, even the Jihadists. They are always trying to catch any "infidels" ridin' dirty. They sure won't catch me! lol

Yo, Holy Daddy P.B. 16, you just come on down to Tennessee and we'll go ridin'. ;-) And that's kind of funny about that song you mentioned. Here's another one you'd really like:

and the gas tank's full...

See you when you get here.

Anonymous said...

Hi Rae Ann,

Benedict XVI don't need no ride with round ya town to chill.

His critics need ter chill.
The Islamic fanatic women need ta stop. The Islamic politics needs ter turn away from belligerence.


Rae Ann said...

anonymous, I'm not sure I understand your comment about fanatic Islamic women. In case you couldn't tell this post wasn't supposed to be very serious. ;-) Certainly, it could be offensive to Catholics as well as Muslims, but it wasn't meant to offend anyone.

Royalty Free Beats For One Dollar said...

Royalty Free Beats For One Dollar


All of our one dollar beats are sample free and royalty free, these beats can be used for Rap, Hip Hop, R&B, advertising, motion production, sports, games, software, ringtones, and more. All we ask is two things, one if you use these beats for commercial purposes that you give "" written credit for our production and two not to resell or give away beats without vocals if used for musical purposes. Links to download beats will be sent by e mail after purchase, each beat will be sent as a WAVE Audio File and a MP3 File. When purchased you will have non-exclusive rights to the beat or beats you buy for life. If you have any questions feel free to email us at thank you and enjoy.