Negotiations Part 6: Signed, Sealed, Delivered

It is about time to seal the deal. One way or the other. God does not judge us for the choices and decisions that others make, even when those choices put us in a position we are afraid displeases Him.  

In negotiations there will oftentimes be a side that feels like they are giving up more than the other in order for an agreement to be reached. The main question is "how much is too much?" Sometimes that answer changes throughout the negotiation process. Standing firm on our principles is important and admirable, but life is not only black and white. There is much more gray (and other colors) in God's creation and He designed it that way so that we can grow through the challenges of looking at the more subtle shades and hues and textures. All of these variables are part of the equation. 

God recognizes when we give up part of what we want so that a solution and progress are possible. He knows that sometimes we are forced into a position that we don't like, but He does promise that those losses end up becoming huge wins after all the aspects of His plan are fulfilled. In our negotiations we have to have that same outlook - that it will work out for the best as long as all involved are earnest and honest. 

There is no way to know for sure if agreed upon terms and conditions will hold up over time, and there is no way to predict all future variables and challenges. We have to trust that issues and conflicts in the future will be fairly considered and addressed. It's easy to think that the negotiations are a one-and-done process, but most serious agreements will need to be renegotiated after a significant amount of time or in the event of big life changes.  

Whether the deal is a beginning or an ending of something, or even an adjustment to previous deals, it is vital to complete the transaction. The concept of "transactional" is seen as a negative according to some relationship "experts" but in reality all of nature is transactional. To limit human interactions by reducing or eliminating transactional interactions is ineffective and silly. Give and take is the only way to get things done in life. No one can be completely self-sufficient, and no one can be so altruistic as to only act without any reciprocation or exchange. Even the concept of love languages is based on transactions/actions that express love. Delaying completion of an agreement causes frustration, anger, and resentment. When it is clear that no further adjustments to the negotiation can be agreed upon it is time to finish it. Sign the papers, free each other of the uncertainty, end what no longer works, begin new endeavors.

Sealing the deal, signing the contract is just the beginning of the journey.      

"Here I am baby,

Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours"

Stevie Wonder, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)"

Psychosocial Contagion

Social media is just overflowing with ridiculous psychobabble and terrible relationship advice. No wonder everybody is miserable, sad, lonely, confused. You have one side telling everyone to ghost anyone whose basic human imperfections and/or needs make them feel inconvenienced or uncomfortable because they are the toxic personality-disorder-of-the-week and it's purely "self-care" to block them from your life. Okay, as if any of us is perfect. Then on another side you have people pretending to be clairvoyants and empaths and whatnot who keep telling everyone that the person that ghosted them is coming back changed and ready to be perfect, just have patience and don't reach out to them first. Wow. Feeding delusions is not helpful. I'm struck by the numbers of people who are feeling stuck in situations where there isn't any communication. Well, humans developed language for a reason, you know. We all do better when we actually talk to each other, even when we are fearful of the reactions.  

I think I've changed my mind about TikTok. Previously I doubted its danger and thought the government dummies just didn't want people to be able to share information on an app that wasn't under their influence. I still do think that's part of the issue, but after it was briefly "banned" and came back I realized another problem that I'd kind of considered but hadn't really thoroughly examined. TikTok does censor language and people create code words for topics that seem to be sensitive to being censored. I've noticed a lot of these topics are somewhat fantastical like UAPs and other phenomena. It's frustrating to see a wave of videos of people who are claiming to see things that are obviously not what they are thinking they are just because they either never looked at the night sky before and don't know what's normal or they just want to jump on the trend regardless of reality. 

The secret and valuable TikTok algorithm seems to be made to create these psychosocial contagions. Things become viral and that is the actual goal of most TikToks because so many content creators are getting paid for views, likes, shares, and so on.  Of course, there are people like me who just post occasionally without really aiming for widespread viewing. But the structure of TikTok with its pay-out to creators who are part of the creator fund and with big enough audiences is based on getting as many views as possible. And big creators make a whole lot of money with their content. It is a contagion in that trends spread quickly. Many of the viral topics tend to be factually inaccurate, socially inflammatory (rage-bait), etc., but there is a also more benign entertainment.   

Anyway, no wonder everybody is confused and lonely. Social media at its best brings us together but unfortunately most of what's put out there is either unfiltered nonsense or overly filtered illusions that are so far from reality that no one knows what's actually real. There's a lot of psychobabble pushed by people who don't really know what they're talking about but might sound confident and believable. On one hand you have people pushing others to cut off everyone who makes them a little uncomfortable and calling it "peace" or "self care" or whatever other code word of the week. Instead of communicating and clearing up confusion or misunderstandings it's so much easier to just ghost people, go no-contact and pretend that they aren't any more than an actor in some internet drama class. Just as long at it makes you feel better and feel like you're winning some imaginary game then go on and be that way. But we are all people with feelings and needs and hopes and fears and none of us is perfect. All we really hope for is a connection that doesn't leave us feeling like a burden or bother. I come from the generation that was brought up on "go for it" and "no pain, no gain" and "just do it" so my natural inclination is to act, but this is met these days as being too much, or being aggressive, or insensitive, or whatever. I struggle with feeling pushy and intrusive and annoying. But sometimes I go quiet and hope people aren't assuming I'm uninterested.  

Add to the generational differences the way I grew up we never had instantaneous communication like with texting and social media. We had to wait hours or days or even weeks to hear from people. If something was urgent then we made phone calls or went to physically visit in person. We actually wrote real letters and mailed them in the old fashioned stamped envelopes and sometimes we never got a reply but it didn't necessarily mean the relationship/friendship was over. Some people just didn't write letters. So I get so confused these days with people who get in a twist over how long it takes to get a text back, but I also find myself falling into that trap of expecting quicker responses. I've never been that good at social cues and hints. Don't expect me to get hints - not because I'm dumb but because I overthink everything and consider every possible interpretation of a vague, or late, message. But I don't like to make assumptions based on too little information. Just give me all the facts, and then I can know what the hell is going on. Text messages are so empty of the rich texture of a spoken conversation in person. How are people really judging entire relationships based on text habits? I mean, god, just be real people.

This is the social contagion that is killing relationships - romantic and platonic and familial. The ones who push the ideas of "let them" and "if they wanted to they would" are only telling half the story. Sure, if someone doesn't want to be your friend or doesn't interact enough, then "let them" be what they are, but maybe make sure you're not just being an impatient prick before discarding people who just might be busy working or overwhelmed with stuff and not able to text you all day every day. Maybe they really do "want to" but there are things that are preventing or delaying them. On the other hand, people do need to make more effort to inform others of what's happening that might be interfering with communication. Don't assume people aren't impatient pricks who will cut you off when you're not giving them enough information to know that the connection is valuable. 

It seems like there are a lot of unspoken rules that we are just expected to know without anyone actually spelling them out. I hate that. Back when I was in school I always did really well on the yearly achievement tests except for the parts of the reading comprehension sections that asked us to infer meanings from short passages and stories. The answer choices were so confusing because it was possible to make any of them fit when you overthink everything and consider all the possibilities. The teacher would say "just pick the most likely" and I'd be like "there's not enough information to make that determination." I needed more information. Or the test authors needed to make the answers less vague. Don't teach kids to make assumptions. Assumptions are not good bases for decisions and good interpersonal relations.  

Well, I'm just blowing off steam and trying to make sense of this world that is giving so many mixed messages and expectations. I don't know if I'm too much or too little or too messy or what. So my advice to the world is to use your words. Speak and listen. Be patient and don't have so many expectations. Be slow to cut people off. Value yourself and your time and attention but don't overly inflate it so that no one can measure up. Don't fall for the psychosocial contagions that sicken relationships.

You know I'm impatient
So why would you leave me waitin' outside the station
When it was like minus four degrees?
And I, I get what you're sayin'
I just really don't wanna hear it right now
Can you shut up for like once in your life?

Listen to me, I took your nice words of advice about
How you think I'm gonna die lucky if I turn 33
Okay, so yeah, I smoke like a chimney
I'm not skinny, and I pull a Britney every other week
But cut me some slack, who do you want me to be?

'Cause I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean
You told me, "Get a job, " then you ask where the hell I've been
And I'm too perfect, 'til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I'm too clever, and then I'm too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it's that time of the month
And I'm too perfect, 'til I show you that I'm not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate, you hate

It's taking you ages
You still don't get the hint, I'm not askin' for pages
But one text or two would be nice
And please, don't pull those faces
When I've been out working my arse off all day
It's just one bottle of wine or two

But, hey, you can't even talk
You smoke weed just to help you sleep
Then why you out gettin' stoned at four o'clock?
And then you come home to me
And don't say hello, 'cause I got high again
And forgot to fold my clothes

'Cause I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean
You told me, "Get a job, " then you ask where the hell I've been
And I'm too perfect 'til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I'm too clever, and then I'm too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it's that time of the month
And I'm too perfect 'til I show you that I'm not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot

Oh-ooh, and I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean
You told me, "Get a job, " then you ask where the hell I've been
And I'm too perfect, 'til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I'm too clever, and then I'm too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it's that time of the month
And I'm too perfect, 'til I show you that I'm not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot

"Messy" by Lola Young

Sadness

I've been overcome with a sadness the last week or so. I don't know exactly why or what it is about. It just is. I'm trying to take my own advice from the tarot card I created over 20 years ago, part of a tarot deck I got about halfway done and got busy with other life and never finished. Some of the cards I still like but most are kind of bleh. Anyway, sorrow is the theme of the present.

I do know one thing that's added to the feeling. My oldest son told me this morning that he is getting a vasectomy later this month. I know it's his life and his decision and that it is reversable if he changes his mind but it still makes me a little sad. It could be that my already emotionally tender state has made me less adaptable. Maybe I won't ever get to be a grandmother. Maybe it's some kind of generational curse that my bloodline goes extinct. (yeah, very depressing thought but I am beginning to really question the future of the whole human race as so many good people are not reproducing and so many stupid idiots are, but really what do I care anyway since I won't be around too much longer - another depressing thought but mortality is real and if I'm average I might have 20 more years to live; all these dark thoughts bubbling up from the depths of whatever hell I've found)

Wow, there you go. Can't have light without the dark. I am just a little blob of organic matter on a little rock in a small system orbiting a smallish star in its midlife in a galaxy of millions of other stars in an endless universe so what does it matter if I feel sad about anything? (that doesn't really help but it's just attempted verbal exorcism of the demons in my mind) Where did this existential crisis come from?

This too shall pass, I suppose. I'm tired of having to let things go. 

  

Negotiations Part 5: Dealbreakers

Not all negotiations come to a satisfactory conclusion. Sometimes there are deal breakers that cannot be overcome. Every negotiation is unique and each side has their own dealbreakers that might not even be known until the negotiations are well under way. They could be anything, but dealbreakers generally should not be frivolous nor simple annoying quirks as long as they don't interfere with forward progress. 

One of the biggest dealbreakers is deception. Certainly we can't make meaningful deals with people are who are not honest and trustworthy. That one should be clear from the beginning. Sometimes the deception of withheld information is as damaging as outright lies. Hopefully all necessary information is shared during the discovery stage, if not sooner. 

The other big dealbreaker is refusal to engage. If one side does not communicate then there is no negotiation at all. Using this tactic to end negotiations is very immature. It is far better to speak up and explain that, for whatever reasons, there is no longer a desire to make a deal. If there are other reasons that make clear communication difficult then those should be made obvious so that the negotiations can be put on hold until those reasons are resolved. 

Negotiation is communication.

As for other dealbreakers they should be specified and communicated from the beginning or as soon as they are identified.     

"Communication breakdown, it's always the same" Led Zeppelin, "Communication Breakdown"  

Negotiations Part 4: Discovery and Unfinished Business

As negotiations proceed there is the stage of discovery and verification - which means learning details about each side's position, offerings, problems, concerns, assets, liabilities, aspirations, fears, etc., and where there is unfinished business that needs done before a deal is sealed. Usually unfinished business is part of its own separate complicated negotiation, and it is vital to the future of the negotiations for that unfinished business to be resolved one way or another. How it is completed will determine the direction of the negotiations. It is best to not try to influence those outside negotiations and to wait and see how they go and be ready to pivot your position or withdraw it altogether. It might be necessary to put a time limit on that process. 

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away and know when to run

You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done"

"The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers

   

Secret Heartbreak

The heaviness of the heartbreak that can't be shared is becoming unbearable. I don't want to set it down and leave it be because the pain of carrying it is at least something to feel. The emptiness of letting it go might be even more unbearable. I've tried carrying gratitude for all the blessings as a way to offset its weight. Unfortunately, guilt and shame want to jump on too because 'why isn't it enough?'

Maybe the answer is to just collapse under all that burden. Let it all fall down with me. I fear the sorrow won't end. Although all the previous sorrows have healed it has left me weary and scarred and reluctant to endure much more. I am tired. If I fall and drop everything what will I do with the loneliness that remains?

I need practical solutions. All the inner work and prayers and trying to transmute unhappiness into something else have given nothing in the way of real relief. I've been asking God or the Universe to help change my mental and emotional perspectives so that I can be more at peace with what is and what should never be. I've even given God or the Universe a couple of ideas about what might be helpful - I need a grandbaby or a boyfriend - neither of which looks imminent. Both beyond my control. One more practical (and proper) than the other. One that really shouldn't even be asked for but there it is.

I've spent almost 36 years of my life trying to keep a man's attention and begging for my needs to be considered. I don't want more of that in a new package. I need to feel desired and cared for in a way that does not leave me insecure, unsure, and confused. I do not want to feel like I'm a bother or annoying. So, God or the Universe, please take that into account. Maybe what I need is impossible to find. Maybe I'll just have to to find a way to get through the rest of my life keeping the most painful heartbreak hidden deep inside. 

        

Negotiations Part 3: Intense, Complicated Developments

The last 5 weeks have really wrecked me to the roots. First we got devastating news that was going to completely change the whole of reality. It was premature, but there was a long month of worrying and waiting to learn that truth. Along with the worrying and grieving what we thought was going to end, I allowed myself to consider other possible futures that could have been quite happy eventually. I wish I was not so prone to these imaginations and conjectures, but I think this sometimes helps me to get through the hardest times - creating some hope even if it's unrealistic and untenable. It inevitably leads to big disappointment - crash and burn. Of course I'm relieved that the worst news ended up being inaccurate, but do I have to beat myself up for being a little sad about the loss of the potential alternative future?

I had no idea that negotiating karmic passes would be so difficult, complex, and painful. I thought the point of the passes was to lessen those things, especially the pain. But the universe operates by its own rules and we really have to learn to go with it instead of trying so hard to steer and control. It isn't even control though. It's more of a need to be somewhat prepared. I'm questioning the actual benefit of the mindset of being prepared and thinking through the likely possibilities. I mean, when, really, has anything ever really gone the way of any of these speculations? I must be the worst ever at negotiations because I am too attached to certain outcomes and fall into disarray when those become unlikely or even impossible. How did I miss and misinterpret so many clues and details? Why do I jump to conclusions? Maybe it's confirmation bias where I just assume (should never assume but lacking actual detailed information makes it really hard not to) that I am interpreting things correctly. Such a disconnect from the heart to the brain. I am ridiculous.

I honestly do not know if these negotiations are over or just stalled or what. According to TikTok and Instagram I have "anxious attachment" in relationships. It fits the childhood and all the other experiences of feeling insecure and abandoned when I'm not getting enough attention or reassurance. The fear of being too much and wanting too much is part of that too. Over my life I've been rejected for having "unrealistic" expectations and needs. I know that expectations are problematic and I have sometimes been able to release the urge to form them. I want to learn how to accept things as they are and be okay not knowing. But is it too much as ask for some assurance? I think details and information are one of my love languages. I give a lot but also need a lot in return. Well, in this situation I feel restrained, like the universe or whoever I'm negotiating with is not really interested in my hearing all my details and information. I guess if that's the case then maybe there is no real reason to be negotiating at all. 

Perhaps right now is not the time to make any final decisions or proclamations. I am still reeling and staggering emotionally from all that's happened in these last 5 weeks. The word trauma is very overused these days but it seems accurate here. I am strong enough to endure and learn even while tender and bruised. Maybe these are some karmic payments for what has been proposed. I just don't know. The Serenity Prayer keeps coming to mind:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." (also the patience to get to that knowing)

"Finish What Ya Started" by Van Halen

"Come on baby, finish what ya started 

I'm incomplete, huh

That ain't no way to treat the broken-hearted

I need some sympathy

I like to look at the long run

I like to take each step, one by one

Right on time, you will arrive

By keepin' the dream alive

It's alive

And it's kickin'

Inside of me

So come on baby, please"