A Rant

I haven't had a good rant in a long time so bear with me because this might get long. Unfortunately those who really need to hear it won't but that's not going to stop me.

Just stop it with your stupid "with her" and cat lady memes. This election isn't about whatever mean jokes that some guys might make. It's not about supporting someone just because their genitalia is the same as yours. Stop believing all the hateful garbage propaganda that the other guy and all of his supporters (at least half of the country) are a "threat to democracy." You know what's a real threat to democracy? Picking a senile old guy who's just a meat puppet to be the leader of the free would and him picking a completely unqualified running mate just because she checks off a bunch of diversity boxes. Then cheating the election by stuffing ballots with dead people along with other methods. Old meat puppet and useless vice president then basically destroy the country and pretty much try to start WWW3. Massive inflation and true citizens being slaves to this illegitimate government while illegal invaders get all kinds of benefits and money. Massive amounts of money being sent to Ukraine to be laundered by those people who've been "running the country" for the last several decades because they have been invested in Ukrainian interests for a long time. Then when old meat puppet's senility is finally totally undeniable anymore and has lost most support even from previous supporters they force him out of the race. Just because he's losing. Even though he supposedly was the democratically chosen candidate. A behind-the-scenes coup. Then the very unpopular vice is installed as the candidate and the media goes into full love mode even though nobody liked her before. Oh, and let's throw in there that the "bad guy" on our side is nearly assassinated in an obvious inside job by malicious negligence.

Nov. 10, 2024 The previous paragraph was written in July 2024. Much has happened since then. Democracy - as defined by our Constitution - prevailed and the election showed that a true majority of Americans are on the same page about most issues that really affect our lives and security. Of course we are all called racist, sexist, and lots of other -ists just because we rejected the coup-installed unqualified DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion) candidate. We the People are fed up with being told we are worthless garbage. We are not the threat to democracy. We are not the ones trashing all things sacred and valuable. We are not the ones brainwashed by media propaganda that encourages people to disrespect, insult, distrust, hate, and shun anyone who does not follow their cult. They project all their worst ideas, thoughts, and feelings onto us. 

I have endured my own sister publicly posting hateful, insulting words about people like me and pretty much my whole family- immediate and extended, and most of my friends too. She thinks she's being righteous because she's convinced that we are against her and her gay son and I'm not even sure what else. We have NEVER been against them. We have only ever treated them with love and generosity and acceptance. I'm not sure why she so easily believes such horrible things about people who have always been kind and loving. She has accused me of not loving them purely based on the twisted propaganda that tells her that we are actually monsters for supporting a candidate that has a proven record of helping the country thrive while being actually inclusive. Does she realize that by verbally abusing *my* children and friends, calling them hateful bigots unworthy of respect, she's actually the one behaving like a monster? She's so consumed by a deranged hatred that she's doing to us what she thinks we want to do to them. How much disrespect am I supposed to endure? How am I supposed to react when she's hating on all the people I love? What do I tell my children who come to me and ask if their aunt actually hates them? She's my sister and I love her, but how much abuse and disrespect am I supposed to take? A part of me is just about ready to cut ties and just leave her to wallow in her misery. She's pretty much throwing all of us into the trash so what else can I do? I've talked and explained and defended in all the ways I know how. She just refuses to listen and consider that we are not all the terrible things that she's been told by a bunch of strangers on TV who are motivated by money, power, and influence and not by true caring and compassion for anyone. Those people do not actually care about her, her child, her life, her job, her anything. Why does she (and so many other people) allow them to have so much control over her thoughts and relationships? But we're the garbage monsters, yeah, right.  

And just a note about "reproductive rights." Most of us don't really care what other people are doing as long as we aren't forced to support or pay for things that are none of our business. In the most fundamental sense I do believe that abortion is ending a real life, but I am also able to see things in a more nuanced way and realize that sometimes people have to make hard choices. None of us are perfect. I don't think it's wrong for the states to have more say than the federal government in how this issue is handled. The pro-abortion people have had decades to pass an actual law that protects that "right" instead of relying on court rulings. But they don't really care that much about actually solving issues because they make so much money and get more power from keeping things contentious. In my ideal world abortion would be the obsolete barbaric thing that people did before they knew better and had so many options for preventing its need. I would like to see more inclusion of father's rights. Sure, the baby is inside the woman's body but it is also 50% genetically the father's. How are we not including this fact in the whole discussion? Why are we surprised that segments of the male population are "dead beat dads" when we have basically forced them out of the equation? It's a much bigger issue than the simplistic view that has prevailed. Ultimately I am libertarian and don't want to interfere with other people's lives but when push comes to shove I am going to tell them what I believe is bad and wrong. So if you don't want to hear it then don't start pushing me around.

The whole gender confusion epidemic is another largely media-driven construct meant to divide people. Gender dysphoria is a real mental issue, but we've moved away from treating the illness to indulging delusions in the name of "compassion." But how compassionate is it really to encourage people to drastically and sometimes irreversibly alter themselves to fit a delusional view of themselves? I don't particularly care if a man wants to dress as a woman or vice versa, but if you have a penis you are a man and need to use the men's restroom. If you were born with testicles then you are a boy and should compete in boys' sports. If you have XY chromosomes then you are a male and have all the male physical advantages in muscle, metabolism, and strength and should not be using those advantages in girls' sports. Putting on a bra, or even getting breast implants does not make a female. Not even cutting off your dick and balls will make you a female. Now, if someone decides they are "non-binary" whatever the hell that means then fine, go do you, but don't get your panties in a wad if I don't play along. Pronouns are grammar - not identity. If you're getting upset by something as innocuous as pronouns then it looks like a mental problem to me. I mean, I've gotten mail addressed to "Mr. Rae McCurry" but I just laugh it off. I'm not devastated by being "misgendered." My hope for the future is that we will allow children to develop fully before we allow doctors and parents to alter their bodies to fit some temporary fantasy.

Lastly, let's just say that it feels like the tide is turning and that more people than not have awakened to the reality of how corrupt our media have become. How wrong they've been about so many things like election polls and standings and other basic facts that they want to manipulate. We have freedom of speech and freedom of the press but those rely on integrity and acceptance of differences. Labelling all ideas and statements that do not align with their agenda as "misinformation" is the ultimate misinformation. Are they free to lie? Are they free to condemn and vilify over half the country? Sure, I guess they can try to get away with slander and libel, but they are not free to suppress our ability to defend ourselves and to correct their lies and respond to their insults. And that is exactly what they are trying to do. They want to shut down all we say by characterizing it as hateful, incorrect, and even evil. They misrepresent our views and ideas. They LIE. There is collusion between the corrupt media and the corruption in the government. It is deeper than the elected officials. The vast bureaucracy and system of appointed agency positions that are largely unchanged by elections are very corrupt especially at the leadership levels. So many of the "three letter" agencies are so corrupt that they appear incompetent. It's more likely that they hide their true corruption behind that appearance of incompetence. The people are losing confidence and trust in these agencies along with the lost trust and confidence in the media. We the people are not the problem. We the people have spoken and I hope that this time we will do more to hold accountable all of those who have misled, lied, and belittled us. Whatever and whoever their "resistance" is we see them and we are watching and we are ready.          

What a Week, Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

I might be going supernova right now, like all this past week, I've been on absolute fire. Mostly good but sometimes a little embarrassing too. I think maybe these are menopausal hot flashes, but they're not entirely unpleasant except when they have interfered with my ability to fully perceive. Thinking back at moments I wish I had been less distracted by trying not to spontaneously combust. There are details I wish I had been able to commit to memory. The burning internal heat just consumed too much of my awareness so that I feel like I missed some important points. But some moments did embed into my mind like sparks - brilliant flashes of something that feels really nice.   

"Lovely is the feelin' now, fever, temperatures risin' now, power (oh power) is the force,"

Add that we got a big boost of vindication in the political realm. Maybe the solar maximum is helping raise that energy level as well. 

I'm trying to remain grounded amidst all these currents on multiple wavelengths, ebb and flow of a stimulated ocean along with a wildfire stirred by high winds. My senses are in the process of being reset to account for all this influx of new energy. I'm trying to find my thresholds of perception and boundaries of reality. Things have shifted and sometimes I feel little overwhelmed but in that ecstatic hyper-stimulated way. But then sometimes I swing the other direction towards despair at the thought that I've completely misread everything and nothing is as I've felt and thought. Ridiculous delights, dramas, and dilemmas all played out in my head and making me feel real feelings but to what consequence? Ultimately I keep reminding myself to appreciate feeling good whether it originates internally or is aroused by an external source.

Despite to occasional discomfort I am enjoying this big hot energy. It makes me feel so alive and energized. I hope it doesn't wane any time soon. 

"Keep on, with the force, don't stop, don't stop 'til you get enough" 

 

Once a Hoe, Always a Hoe (or Big Energy Year)

Life plays funny tricks on us sometimes. Aging is one of those. For years I had the toolshed closed up, thinking things were worn out, used up, and retired, but somehow this year everything changed. I've never been sure about where I was in that whole menopause thing due to not having a uterus since 2002. I assumed my ovaries were just limping along doing their thing as best they could but in the absence of periods I just didn't know. I could detect some kind of monthly cycle of changing energy levels, moods, etc., but oftentimes I just didn't pay much attention to that aspect of myself. Really, the toolshed was just rarely opened, just getting the required maintenance and not much else. And I was mostly fine about it. 

This year has disrupted everything. The toolshed door got blown open and all the tools seem to be just fine - not broken, not ruined, not in bad shape other than just needing a little extra grease. I think there are a lot of reasons for this big change. This year has brought a lot of really big, rare, and fantastic events. Even back in the winter it started with the huge blizzard and deep freeze that nearly paralyzed our area for two weeks. Then there was the total solar eclipse in April, and being able to go see its nearly 4 minute totality was a "bucket list" experience. In May we had a severe solar storm that brought the Northern Lights all the way down here in a spectacular display of the sun's power. Big energy! Only five months later we got another solar storm of nearly the same strength with more auroras visible to us here. Unfortunately, there was also the catastrophic flooding and other destruction from Hurricane Helene. It boggles the mind to see how much energy was released by the massive movement of all that water and earth and life. And for the last week or so we've been able to see one of the greatest comets of my lifetime. It's been stunning. The sun is in its "solar maximum" which is the most active part of its 11 year activity cycle. Big energy! Seems logical that all that extra energy from the sun would have effects on us too. And I do feel energized, refreshed, rejuvenated.

There is another aspect to this that I'm still trying to figure out. It might just be my imagination. I have to tell myself that it's really okay if it is only my imagination because the way it makes me feel is real. What harm is there in being happy and feeling good just from the thought of something? (Wanting to keep the toolshed open and useful again.)  I feel like a freakin' teenager sometimes, full of raging hormonal drive - let me rock you like a hurricane - sorry that was in poor taste but it might illustrate the amount of energy I feel sometimes. Big energy! If it is a fantasy that enhances my life then let me have it. If it is more than fantasy then let me have that too lol. Once a hoe, always a hoe. 

I'm constantly analyzing and questioning what's happening. Maybe it's just the last gasping push of stuff before the final exhaustion. Maybe my little old ovaries are in the midst of their final blow-out like a dying star going into supernova. Big energy! I don't know and I'm trying not to worry too much about the ultimate ending of whatever it is. I have to enjoy the present, appreciate the good feelings while they are here, and try not to judge myself harshly for wanting keep riding this wave of big energy as long as possible.       

     

Rule of Three

I'm not really a witch. I like the aesthetic, and I do have my shamanic kinds of beliefs and practices, though I'm not consistent with much of anything, probably due to most likely having undiagnosed ADHD. People who identify as witches have a different view and set of practices, well, there are very many varieties of witches apparently. My knowledge of these things predate TikTok and other social media. It comes from reading books. Actual paper books. What we see on TikTok especially is a lot of mumbo-jumbo and posturing and gate-keeping and other nonsense where there is constant bickering and drama between different factions of self-described witches. The European witches think that American witches are fake, and the American witches scramble to prove themselves. There are constant threats of hexes and banishments and all kinds of other baneful acts. It just makes me think that these silly women acting this way would have given people long ago plenty of reason for witch hunts and all that shit. Now I know that many innocent women were murdered, ostracized, persecuted, etc. due to false accusations of witchcraft. It is and continues to be a powerful accusation in some parts of society. But I find it really disappointing that some people behave in such an immature way while claiming to have this great power and wisdom.

Many of these witches have disavowed one of the basic tenets of modern practice. The Rule of Three. Basically, it means that whatever you put out in the world will return to you threefold. Maybe it's a "new" rule that doesn't really come from the ancient practices. I don't know. I think it is similar to Karma. It's so irresponsible to throw out a bunch of negative energy or whatever towards others in order to "punish" or even just because you don't like them. Here is where my Christianity steps in and where I believe that forgiveness is a much more powerful response to feeling hurt. Forgiving is hard. Forgiving does not necessarily give you at feeling of getting justice. But it stops the rebounding effects of so much negative energy being thrown back and forth without regard for unintended consequences or collateral damage. Forgiving isn't the same as absolving or erasing harmful actions. It is for our peace and well-being. It protects our energies instead of wasting them on revenge or punishment. The universe will provide its own punishment which will be much more effective.

I am not immune from feeling a desire to punish or avenge. We all have those emotions. I might be writing this to help myself work through some of those feelings. We just got back from a quick beach trip and I brought home a really terrible cold. Not covid but it's pretty bad. In my fevered brain I imagined that someone might have wished this upon me as some punishment for some imagined infraction. In the last month or so my overactive imagination might have thought some things that it shouldn't have, but as I see it my imagination is my own business and if I think something about someone and keep it totally in my own mind then it's between me and God, so to speak. Believe me, I tend to punish myself enough for these things and don't need it from anyone else. I don't know if my strong thoughts get through to other people. Maybe they do. I can't know if they don't tell me. But if my thoughts do somehow bother others then there are better ways of handing it than throwing out curses or hexes. This sounds really crazy, but it sounds a lot like the ADHD thoughts that I've heard other people talk about having. 

Anyway, this illness made my fever run over 102 and so all that heat and energy being generated by my body made me think about how much that energy might build if I sent it out with an intention of returning it to whoever wished me ill. (Yes, crazy fever-thoughts.) I mean I was really thinking about creating a fever-bomb. But I really wouldn't have done that. I just thought about how glad my imaginary enemy better be that I didn't do it. Sometimes fever thoughts and dreams can be entertaining after the fact. 

I'm no longer feverish and my mind is getting back to its normal crazy and not so much of that fever crazy. But I have been thinking a lot about this idea of energy as a weapon or defense against perceived threats. I don't really know how much of this stuff is complete bullshit, but I do know that sometimes we meet people to whom we feel some connection or attraction or even repulsion. Maybe it's all just one-sided imagination? But let's not diminish or disregard people as delusional just because they have very active imaginations that consider all the possibilities. 

I think the best use of our mental and emotional energies in response to feeling energetically threatened or violated is to build up a protective field or buffer. That will not exacerbate or amplify energies back to us. It might not be as short-term satisfying as sending hexes, curses, or fever-bombs, but in the long-term it will avoid so much negativity from overwhelming everyone. And it is closer to forgiveness.     

Midlife Equity

I'm really rusty on this writing thing but here goes.

It's been nearly 20 years since I started this blog. That feels strange. Twenty years has flashed by so fast. So much has happened. Kids have grown and flourished into their own adult lives. No grandchildren yet, but maybe in a few years. I've had heartbreaks and recoveries and times of feeling like I just didn't care about much anymore. But now at 56 I'm feeling that midlife urgency to get things done and taken care of while I'm still here and able. Not to be morbid but if I'm average I've only got another 20 or so years of life, and that 20 years will go ever faster than the last 20. Priorities are shifting. Focus is much less on the future. It is on right now. Time is even more precious than ever. No more wasting time waiting for things to get done or waiting for other people to get their shit together or whatever. 

I feel like I've built up a bit of life equity. I'm talking about the value accumulated over time based on the difference between liabilities spent vs. assets gained. I'm been the bookkeeper for our business for the last 26 years so I just think of things in those kinds of terms. I'm not talking about the current use of the term equity as some social concept to justify discrimination against high achievers because it's not "fair" that some people do better in life than others. That's just life, people. I always wished I could be a rock star or super model but I don't have the talent or physical beauty for required. Painful as that realization was, it was what I had to accept. Anyway, life is not "fair" and everyone just needs to do their own best without trying to bring others down to their level just to feel better about it. 

My own equity I'm talking about does have social aspect but it is much more personal and intertwined with my marriage/partnership. All the years that I didn't spend money on things like getting my nails done all the time, designer clothes, or whatever other shopping/spending habits that others choose has created a type of savings account with this equity. (No judgment on those who do spend their "capital" on that stuff - it just hasn't been a priority for me.) I know this might sound "transactional" to some. That's another current buzzword to criticize certain ways of thinking. Well, at its most fundamental level life is purely transactional - input/output and exchange are the process of life itself. The sun gives the energy it got from its creation to all the plants and organisms on earth that then use that energy to grow themselves and then we use them to grow ourselves and we all convert that energy into other products that other things use to grow themselves and on and on and on. It's a cycle of exchange. Long term partnerships naturally involved lots of sharing and exchanging. Certainly, there are some things like emotions that don't necessarily work best under a transactional structure. I might get into that later. Sorry, I tend to go off on these tangents. 

Back to relationship equity. Over the 33 years of my marriage I've accumulated a bit of savings where I wasn't spending everything all the time. Now I'm looking at things that need attention. As things age they need repairs and maintenance. A lot of people my age decide to spend their equity on fixing their bodies with plastic surgeries or other procedures to look younger or whatever. And again, no judgment on that, but it's not my concern. Well, yeah, sometimes I think about having some "work" done on myself for appearance's sake, but not too seriously because that just hasn't been a thing for me ever so why start now? There's a lot of life baggage (similar to equity but undesired accumulation) connected to physical appearance. Growing up I was never told I was attractive. My appearance just wasn't important except that I was never thin enough. I was either invisible or too big. This probably explains my lack of desire to maintain appearances over my life. What's to maintain if you never had it? Sorry, another tangent. 

So instead of spending my equity on myself I am beginning to spend it on some big home maintenance projects. As a homemaker (along with the bookkeeping as my "career") home is super important. The state of our homes is often a reflection of the conditions of other aspects of our lives. This isn't necessarily a direct correlation. Sometimes people with the most immaculate homes have the most fucked up lives and relationships. And sometimes the most modest and ordinary homes have the happiest families. Clutter and mess isn't always a sign of dysfunction. It's often a sign of people living full lives. My house is generally clean but it is a working home. We work here and from here and it's all functional and lived in. I do like some nice things but it's just not all for show. (Just like my personal appearance.) But over time things wear out and need work to repair and maintain them. This year I've had the exterior painted professionally for the first time since we built the house in 2001. The cedar siding had been cleaned and sealed a few times over the years but it was always DIY and not necessarily done that well. Cedar is beautiful when it's new and newly pressure washed to remove the natural tannin stains that turn it gray-to-black. But it never keeps that fresh-cut look. It wants to be black. So I said "paint it black." Well, it's not pure black, which I would have liked just fine. It's a very dark gray, kind of charcoal color - the darkest that Sherwin-Williams makes - Black Alder - I think is the name. It looks awesome. I love it. It was a big job and cost a pretty penny but I had that equity and used it. 

Another big job that has needed to be done for over a decade is having the wrought iron pool fence painted. We put in the pool and fence 16 years ago and it's all held up pretty well, but as iron will do it had some rust and other issues. Last year I had a couple of posts and a gate replaced and there are a few more posts that will need replaced next year. But for so many years I've had getting it painted on the to-do list. That never was a real DIY option. So I finally just made the call and found the absolute best people to get that done. I am so happy with it! It's almost like having a brand new fence. It wasn't cheap. Getting it painted the right way was almost as much as getting it originally installed. But with Bidenflation it was really probably about a third (or even a quarter maybe) of what it would cost to install new now.

Having these things taken care of have energized me. Spending that equity on my home and surroundings has made me feel like the state of our home better reflects the state of our lives. There are several other projects that need to be done in the next year or so. The equity isn't all used up yet but I don't want to deplete it completely. There's another big painting job that I want done professional this year, and then the other projects are more DIY friendly. Spending on home maintenance seems like a much better investment than plastic surgery or whatever because barring some major natural disaster or something like that, this house will be here a lot longer than I will. It is an asset for my children. My body is not meant to be a legacy. It has already done its creating.         

Clock's A-Ticking

 Well, I've gotten sucked into the TikTok world. It's funny how social media has evolved from the old chat rooms of the early Internet to these quick videos documenting everything from the deepest heartbreaks to the absolute stupidest antics to the most obscure fetishes and interests. But the trolls haven't changed or been vanquished. People don't change.

Ghosted

Ghosts in the machine 

Dead lovers and unsuitable soulmates

Broken code dangling in quantum mystery

Locked blockchain no password 

Crypto scripto got no matter

In the shadow energy