Karmic passes are delicate matters. Approval is pending. Need discussion of disclaimers and other details - delicacy required. Points of clarification include the requirement of 100% confidentiality and the definition of karmic currency, which is knowledge of the happiness gained therein. The value of this karmic currency is variable based on demand, so use sparingly to keep it valuable.
I'm don't like negotiations that much. I prefer accepting fair offers without too much back and forth. But some things require considering lots of different aspects, and the start value is very high on both sides. A strong way to start such negotiations is to open with a very large proposition which reflects the ultimate best outcome from our position. (This might be part of the art of the deal?) Oftentimes this first "ask" is somewhat unrealistic, though not impossible. Each side then has to make offers and counteroffers until they are both satisfied or decide they can't come to any agreement. It is important to get closure of whether or not the negotiation is really over. Unfortunately these days the concept of closure isn't appreciated or encouraged as much as it should be, but as social beings we must remember that things tend to go better when we actually interact and relate instead of just focusing only on oneself. I do agree with the idea that we are not responsible for other people's feelings, but I also believe that it leads to a lonely and frustrated world when we don't consider other people's feelings at all. There is so much focus now on the self that we might be slipping away from the true intention of being social animals. Sure, I can only control my own feelings and thoughts but I don't want to dismiss the needs and desires of people I care about. Life is all about negotiating these things.
I've begun a complex negotiation to redeem a couple of karmic passes. I've put in my request to the universe and now I'm waiting. I especially don't like negotiating with the universe because it sometimes refuses to engage. The whole unanswered prayers are answers anyway deal.
"How can you just leave me standingAlone in a world that's so cold? (So cold)Maybe I'm just too demandingMaybe I'm just like my father, too boldMaybe you're just like my motherShe's never satisfied (she's never satisfied)"
Prince, "When Doves Cry"
But sometimes the universe surprises us by giving us exactly what we've asked for or even something far beyond. Last year was so surprising in so many ways. I might feel like I am not allowed to ask for anything more after getting so much, but here it is. I am struggling a bit with staying in a place of restful gratitude. Maybe my lesson is patience and repose - quiet stillness (super hard for my ADHD-tism-like self). Meanwhile, the karmic passes are on the table. I guess the universe is evaluating my initial offer which might take a while, or it might decide to completely disregard it. Waiting is the hardest part. Even doves have pride.
This can be a really hard time of year for me because it is approaching the anniversary of my mother's death. Some years it passes with almost no recognition or other notable feelings, but some years it hits deep and painful. Looking at the calendar I realized that the days line up the same as they did 28 years ago with her dying on Tuesday, Jan 7. And I am exactly twice as old as I was when she died, so that seems significant as well. Another factor is probably that last year was such a big happy year and so the sadness just feels bigger too. Equal and opposite reactions and all that.
My heart is deeply scarred and maybe a little tough. As a child I struggled with feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect because I felt like my mother was not there for me as much as I needed her. I'm not trying to vilify her or play the victim. It was just the way things were at that time. She longed for her own independence and autonomy at that time when women were fighting for equal rights and treatment and she was on the forefront. While I appreciate all of that I also have to recognize my own unmet needs. That generation of women did leave their children as sacrifices on the altar of advancement. We are all a bit scarred even if we don't recognize it.
I'm not saying my childhood was bad. I just see now that the theme of inadequate connection and attention runs throughout. I had a good relationship with my mother. I wanted her to be happy and I tried to do whatever I could to avoid being a source of stress or anger. She was supportive of my dreams and aspirations and allowed me an unusual amount of freedom to pursue them. At the time that freedom did not feel so much like disconnection, but looking back I can see that I suppressed those feelings to avoid appearing ungrateful for the opportunities. There were several years of my preteen and early teenage development when I lived long periods of time away from home so that I could chase my figure skating dreams. I was physically as well as emotionally separated from home. Maybe all of that is why I seem to have some kind of attachment issues - trouble maintaining friendships but also sometimes becoming overly attached to some relationships.
As a mother I've tried to be available to my children much more than my mother was to me. There are times when I look back and feel like I was not as emotionally available as I could have been, but I also recognize that grief and loss over my mother just as I became a mother were really significant factors. My kids seem to have grown up pretty well despite my failures and shortcomings. Being their mom is the source of my greatest happiness.
Another aspect of time that could be making this year's anniversary more emotional is that I am watching friends lose their mothers and the empathy brings back a lot of the pain of loss. It's never easy to lose a parent. I try not to feel envy that they've had so many more years of life with their mothers, and I try not to feel distain for those who've cut ties with their mothers because of toxic relationships or whatever other issues have made them feel it necessary to willingly disconnect. I'm not judging. It's just hard to relate. I am thankful that I am not having to watch my mother disappear via dementia. That has got to be the hardest thing to experience.
It feels weird that my mother has grandchildren that she never knew. My oldest wasn't even one when she died. She never knew the traumas and difficulties involved in bringing my other two babies into the world. She didn't get to see the deep physical scars of my own motherhood. Those are as deep and complex as the ones that bind my heart. Deeply scarred inside and out. But also extremely blessed with these wonderful people who are descended from her. Worth all the pain and transformation.
So here's to the memory of my mother. And the wondering what she'd really think about me now as I've aged beyond the years she got to live. Would she like me? Would she be disappointed in my failures and inadequacies? Would she admire that as a mother I've quantitatively had more experience than she did? Would she see me as the wise woman I'd like to be?
Like the broken heart that has healed many times there is a toughness and maybe some sharp edges to navigate while working through these feelings. I will try to give myself the mother love that I've longed for, but I might need more than I can do for myself.
Yesterday on New Year's Day I felt pretty good, but this morning I woke up with some kind of mood hangover (no alcohol involved, just hormonal stuff probably) that has me troubling (ruminating) over how to approach this new year. There is a bit of fear of loss, fear of losing the revival I felt last year. But I'm trying to remind myself that I shouldn't allow myself to depend on outside sources for my happiness or other good feelings. It's just hard to let go of the attachment that comes with something so rare and unexpected and seemingly fated, but now I think I have to face the hard reality that I misread a lot of things and I guess I need to own that and move on without beating myself up about it. I need to find my lane and stick to it.
This year maybe my focus will be releasing control and not trying to influence things with my own intentions. Just mellow out and go with the flow of things that last year put in motion, without trying to steer. Take the path of least resistance. Become like water. And if that flow ends up dumping me on the shore somewhere alone and half dead again I guess, c'est la vie. Release attachments. Release any expectations or even hopes. I don't really like that sound of having "no hopes" but it just means that when you have no expectations or desires then you won't be disappointed. Yeah, that's pessimistic. I will try not to be judgmental about myself and the mistakes I've made and the limerence that has been my fuel. Unrequited is the story of my life. Gosh, I am kind of depressed today. It will pass eventually. I'm just tired of driving. Somebody, Jesus, whoever, take the wheel.
Today my TikTok "FYP" gave me a couple more words/concepts that I've been trying to think of for a while. Rumination. Meaning overthinking with negative imaginings and beating oneself up with all the ideas, feelings, and thoughts that we've decided are inappropriate, inaccurate, and make us feel stupid, unworthy, and all the other bad stuff we think about ourselves when we allow our minds to decide that all the good things have not been real. I have a tendency to ruminate, but there is a way to try to alleviate it. Embodiment. I've been doing this without really knowing there was a word for it. Whenever I'm feeling down about myself and all the things that my imagination creates seem to be complete misunderstandings of reality, I go to my little "secret" meditation room and start stretching and breathing (my version of yoga) to shift from my thinking mind to my feeling body. I focus on releasing tension from my joints and muscles and feeling the breath in and out. It really does help. It adjusts my thinking from harsh judgmental self-loathing to a more amused acceptance of my foolishness. I laugh at myself.
I recognize that emotional, intimate loneliness is a root of so much of my dissatisfaction. That is the hard truth. I didn't even know how to define that until I glimpsed an alternate universe and felt some kind of hope. It wasn't really for me but just something I unintentionally intercepted. But I don't want to start ruminating about it again. So I'll just stay in my bubble and try to breath through the fire and weather the storms of emotion. Ultimately I cannot rely on anyone else for my happiness.
I have to say I fucking love this menopause thing. All you gals that are bitching and moaning about it are just not doing it right. LOL I'm a little tipsy but as they say alcohol loosens lips and hips and all the other things so let's just go with it. Whatever this hot flashing fire is that is fueling my life is making everything that much more. Rage, lust, and everything in between. Earlier today I was raging with the most intense anger at Fedex over a lost shipment. I cursed them to death by fire for stealing my package. Hey, fuck around and find out as they say. I've lost the inhibition to only be demure and mindful. Happy Holidays.
I managed to transmute my fiery rage to a more pleasant feeling. Even if it is only for me and nobody else is around to witness this feat of magical prowess it is what it is. I'm in my full power to harness the heat and burning whatever it is. God I think I am drunk, drunk with power and fire and damn if you think you can handle it then come on show me what you've got.
I am alive. It isn't always easy but I think I'll take this fire fueled life over being dead even with the mood swings and moments of desperate foolishness. I am a fool. Not the old wise woman that I had intended. Swept away in my fantastic imagination. Make it real.
Yes, I am ridiculous. Gloriously ridiculous in my heat fueled delirium. Menopause is the best. It's puberty with the experience and wisdom of a life well lived and the hopes for the love and passion that make life worth living.
People are so stupid. It's like they've never actually looked up at the night sky. It's like our education system has completely failed at teaching people the things they actually need to know about the world, the natural world. Like how to tell the difference between stars and planets and airplanes, satellites. And how to use easily available tools to discover what things are before jumping to outlandish conclusions. People, before posting a blurry zoomed in picture of Venus and calling it a "plasmoid" get yourself a night sky app so you won't look like a complete idiot. Get yourself a flight id app and use it before posting every airplane in the sky and claiming it's a UAP. I'm so over all this hoopla about drones and orbs and crap. If the aliens are here I'll have to meet one face to face (or face to whatever they present).
I feel like we're in that part of the movie Carrie where we're waiting for that blood bucket to drop. We all know it's there, put in place by the assholes, why do some people have to be so mean?
I woke up with the holiday blues and beating myself up for feeling disappointed in people. No expectations. That is the key to not being disappointed. I know that, but sometimes I forget and make wishes. So I'm aggrieved with myself. That's nothing new. For all the good and happy things of this year I've also had to fight off equally harsh thoughts and feelings and darkness. Equal and opposite is the rule that we can't escape forever. I'm a little tired of that battle of sitting with the darkness and trying to convince it not to dim all the lights. I've sat in that dark place before and let my eyes adjust enough to see that there isn't really anything there that can hurt me other than my own imaginings. But I like the lights and the hopes and the energy that the darkness cannot provide. I'm like a zombie, brought back to life and left to wander in search of whatever it is zombies need. Or maybe I'm some kind of vampire with an eternal longing to live in the light that burns. (none of that sparkly Twilight shit though I'd much rather sparkle like glitter than look like the Baba Yaga I've become)
Well, so much for all the self-pity and lamentations. I guess I'll have to think of some big feat of strength for the rest of the Festivus observance. Might be that just getting my balance back will take all the strength I can muster today.
