Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Emotional Bailout

Warning: Personal Pity Party and Raw, Unedited, and Indelicate Statements. Proceed at your own peril.

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about

"Under Pressure" by Queen and David Bowie

I need some kind of hundred billion dollar emotional bailout. All the big things that have happened in the last couple of years have completely overwhelmed and overextended my emotional credit. Last night I got really sad missing my dad, but then I thought it was probably better that he wasn't having to see this financial meltdown that would have wiped out all of his retirement funds that had already seen so many declines in the last few years. At least I paid off his house the day before he died.

We won't have the money to pay a large tax bill because of all the outstanding accounts receivable that people just can't pay because they don't have the money either. Well, I'll just put a note on our tax return that we just don't have it and so they'll just have to deal with it and if they have any concern about all the "Joe Sixpacks" then forgive us for not having the money just like they've forgiven all the crooks on Wall Street. Don't take our house either. Jesus Fucking Christ, they want to pay for all those other houses of people who didn't do things right, but then they'll threaten to put a lien or something on ours? That just makes me so sick that I want to do bad things.

By the way, I find that term "Joe Sixpack" extremely offensive and racist. If all the media people can said that with impunity, and all the Sarah Palin haters can call her terrible things and throw around the term "white trash" with impunity, then I can say some things with impunity too. I'm sick of having to look at Obama's nappy head. Why doesn't he just grow an afro or dreadlocks or something? And I'm tired of looking at his blue lips telling lies and avoiding real answers. Okay, so I say these things that might offend someone, but no one seems to mind if I'm offended. Freedom of Speech goes both ways, people.

See, my emotional accounts are bankrupt, and I don't see any kind of bailout coming, so what to do? If people want to beat me up for saying some offensive things about Obama, go ahead and kick me when I'm down. You know, it was less than a year ago that I was laid up in the hospital for 5 days after my appendix blew. We're still paying for that too. Our insurance covered some of it, but all this year we've been paying $320 a month on the remaining balance and have another five months to pay on it. We will probably have to reduce that monthly payment now, and the hospital will not like it. Too bad for them. Just two months after that my dad got sick, and two months after that he died. Now I've got at least another $1000 to pay for my skin cancer treatments. Where is that money going to come from? The stress of all these things is more than I can stand, and all the world seems to care about is how they can beat me up even more for being a white American.

If you find this post ugly and unbearable, well, too fucking bad for you. Welcome to my life, and my struggles, and my desperation. I need a bailout too, an emotional one at least. But let's be completely honest, my skin color, lifestyle, and heritage are being held against me in insidious and blatant ways, and to say the least it is exhausting and bleeding me dry.

I hope everyone else is happy with that because I just don't care anymore.


Anonymous said...

personal, honest.
amazing how reflective this affected me reading regarding my life. appreciated...

Rae Ann said...

Hi anonymous, thanks. I do have to admit that this post was written during a very weak and vulnerable moment, but I think it's okay and essentially human to reveal our low feelings sometimes.

Monica said...

Hey Rae Ann!

It's me! It's funny how much we think alike , even though we haven't seen each other for years! I don't think you have anything to apologize for - you were being honest with your emotions and feelings. Imagine how much better the world would be if more people would do the same!

Mahndisa S. Rigmaiden said...

01 29 09

Sorry to hear that your health and your fathers death.

When you are in a raw emotional state like this, sometimes it helps to get stuff out.

Yeah, free speech does go both ways. You are right to carp on those who have a double standard when it comes to critisizing Palin versus Obama.

With that in mind, I don't understand how your skin color is holding you back. Your troubles seem to be what many Americans are going through.

And although you seem to dislike Obama (I personally cannot stand his pro choice stances) his policies in healthcare may benefit you.