Thursday, January 02, 2025

2025 Early Thoughts, C'est la vie

Yesterday on New Year's Day I felt pretty good, but this morning I woke up with some kind of mood hangover (no alcohol involved, just hormonal stuff probably) that has me troubling (ruminating) over how to approach this new year. There is a bit of fear of loss, fear of losing the revival I felt last year. But I'm trying to remind myself that I shouldn't allow myself to depend on outside sources for my happiness or other good feelings. It's just hard to let go of the attachment that comes with something so rare and unexpected and seemingly fated, but now I think I have to face the hard reality that I misread a lot of things and I guess I need to own that and move on without beating myself up about it. I need to find my lane and stick to it.

This year maybe my focus will be releasing control and not trying to influence things with my own intentions. Just mellow out and go with the flow of things that last year put in motion, without trying to steer. Take the path of least resistance. Become like water. And if that flow ends up dumping me on the shore somewhere alone and half dead again I guess, c'est la vie. Release attachments. Release any expectations or even hopes. I don't really like that sound of having "no hopes" but it just means that when you have no expectations or desires then you won't be disappointed. Yeah, that's pessimistic. I will try not to be judgmental about myself and the mistakes I've made and the limerence that has been my fuel. Unrequited is the story of my life. Gosh, I am kind of depressed today. It will pass eventually. I'm just tired of driving. Somebody, Jesus, whoever, take the wheel.  

Friday, December 27, 2024

In My Bubble


 

Today my TikTok "FYP" gave me a couple more words/concepts that I've been trying to think of for a while. Rumination. Meaning overthinking with negative imaginings and beating oneself up with all the ideas, feelings, and thoughts that we've decided are inappropriate, inaccurate, and make us feel stupid, unworthy, and all the other bad stuff we think about ourselves when we allow our minds to decide that all the good things have not been real. I have a tendency to ruminate, but there is a way to try to alleviate it. Embodiment. I've been doing this without really knowing there was a word for it. Whenever I'm feeling down about myself and all the things that my imagination creates seem to be complete misunderstandings of reality, I go to my little "secret" meditation room and start stretching and breathing (my version of yoga) to shift from my thinking mind to my feeling body. I focus on releasing tension from my joints and muscles and feeling the breath in and out. It really does help. It adjusts my thinking from harsh judgmental self-loathing to a more amused acceptance of my foolishness. I laugh at myself. 

I recognize that emotional, intimate loneliness is a root of so much of my dissatisfaction. That is the hard truth. I didn't even know how to define that until I glimpsed an alternate universe and felt some kind of hope. It wasn't really for me but just something I unintentionally intercepted. But I don't want to start ruminating about it again. So I'll just stay in my bubble and try to breath through the fire and weather the storms of emotion. Ultimately I cannot rely on anyone else for my happiness.      

Tuesday, December 24, 2024

Merry Christmas Eve

I have to say I fucking love this menopause thing. All you gals that are bitching and moaning about it are just not doing it right. LOL I'm a little tipsy but as they say alcohol loosens lips and hips and all the other things so let's just go with it. Whatever this hot flashing fire is that is fueling my life is making everything that much more. Rage, lust, and everything in between. Earlier today I was raging with the most intense anger at Fedex over a lost shipment. I cursed them to death by fire for stealing my package. Hey, fuck around and find out as they say. I've lost the inhibition to only be demure and mindful. Happy Holidays. 

I managed to transmute my fiery rage to a more pleasant feeling. Even if it is only for me and nobody else is around to witness this feat of magical prowess it is what it is. I'm in my full power to harness the heat and burning whatever it is. God I think I am drunk, drunk with power and fire and damn if you think you can handle it then come on show me what you've got.

I am alive. It isn't always easy but I think I'll take this fire fueled life over being dead even with the mood swings and moments of desperate foolishness. I am a fool. Not the old wise woman that I had intended. Swept away in my fantastic imagination. Make it real. 

Yes, I am ridiculous. Gloriously ridiculous in my heat fueled delirium. Menopause is the best. It's puberty with the experience and wisdom of a life well lived and the hopes for the love and passion that make life worth living. 

  


 


Monday, December 23, 2024

Festivus 2024, Airing of Grievances

People are so stupid. It's like they've never actually looked up at the night sky. It's like our education system has completely failed at teaching people the things they actually need to know about the world, the natural world. Like how to tell the difference between stars and planets and airplanes, satellites. And how to use easily available tools to discover what things are before jumping to outlandish conclusions. People, before posting a blurry zoomed in picture of Venus and calling it a "plasmoid" get yourself a night sky app so you won't look like a complete idiot. Get yourself a flight id app and use it before posting every airplane in the sky and claiming it's a UAP. I'm so over all this hoopla about drones and orbs and crap. If the aliens are here I'll have to meet one face to face (or face to whatever they present). 

I feel like we're in that part of the movie Carrie where we're waiting for that blood bucket to drop. We all know it's there, put in place by the assholes, why do some people have to be so mean? 

I woke up with the holiday blues and beating myself up for feeling disappointed in people. No expectations. That is the key to not being disappointed. I know that, but sometimes I forget and make wishes. So I'm aggrieved with myself. That's nothing new. For all the good and happy things of this year I've also had to fight off equally harsh thoughts and feelings and darkness. Equal and opposite is the rule that we can't escape forever. I'm a little tired of that battle of sitting with the darkness and trying to convince it not to dim all the lights. I've sat in that dark place before and let my eyes adjust enough to see that there isn't really anything there that can hurt me other than my own imaginings. But I like the lights and the hopes and the energy that the darkness cannot provide. I'm like a zombie, brought back to life and left to wander in search of whatever it is zombies need. Or maybe I'm some kind of vampire with an eternal longing to live in the light that burns. (none of that sparkly Twilight shit though I'd much rather sparkle like glitter than look like the Baba Yaga I've become) 

Well, so much for all the self-pity and lamentations. I guess I'll have to think of some big feat of strength for the rest of the Festivus observance. Might be that just getting my balance back will take all the strength I can muster today.    


Thursday, December 19, 2024

Solar Maximum: Big, Big Energy and Sensory Reset

This year has been so eventful and impactful. I know a lot of people are devastated by the big, unusual recent natural disasters, and I feel terrible for them. I hope that their suffering will ease soon. It's been hard to express my happiness and gratitude without worrying about sounding insensitive to everything that has been lost. However, I do feel compelled to express my appreciation and amazement about all the ways this year has given me new energy and perspectives.

We shouldn't be surprised that the sun's output of extra energy during this period of solar maximum would have multiple layers of effects on us here on Earth. In our human hubris we tend to forget that the sun is the biggest influence on our planet. Sure, we do have some power to cause changes and damage and destruction but that big flaming star that we call the Sun can really put us in our place with its powerful magnifying energy. It amplifies everything with that big energy. The weather events of this year have surely been intensified by the increased solar energy. Maybe humans have also manipulated that equation but that's a topic for another time. 

The way it feels to me is that we are being washed over with a cleansing reset. Sometimes it's necessary for things to get a deep cleaning and sometimes that can be uncomfortable or even painful. Stripping away the old and stagnant stuff creates a fresh new foundation for a sensory reset where we can see things with new perspectives and allow ourselves to shed old tired feelings and ideas and situations. 

One of the biggest resets for me this year has been getting some much needed maintenance and rejuvenation done on my house. I wanted my home to better reflect the love and appreciation that dwells here. This house is almost 24 years old and things were beginning to need attention and looking a little rough. In preparing for this work to be done I've had to do a lot of decluttering and disposing of stuff that no longer needed to take up my space. The house is looking so much better and I almost feel like I've got a new house. I look at these reclaimed spaces and feel so happy and satisfied. I feel very energized. 

I've been taking much better care of my health too and have lost about 40 pounds over the last year and a half or so. That certainly has increased my energy level and improved my mood. I'm still fat but I do feel better. That's just another of so many ways I feel like my senses have been reset. I previously wrote about feeling things that I'd basically given up on ever feeling again. There is a deep wish that these things don't disappear again anytime soon. 

At a holiday gathering with my best friends last night they all remarked about how different I seem now. The weight loss is part of it but they said I just had a glow about me that was new. I joked that it must be menopause and the hormonal stuff that sometimes feels like puberty again and that the hot flashes actually make me feel more alive. Well, they knew that there was more to that than I was saying out loud because they've known me long enough and I guess I don't have a very good poker face. Without giving all the details I had to tell them that indeed some kind of spark has essentially brought me back to life this year. I confessed to them that I had basically been dead for a very long time - more than ten years, probably closer to a dozen. By dead I mean the libido/life force was dead. I had convinced myself that I did not miss it and that it was not something that I'd ever feel again and I was mostly okay about it. The universe had different plans for me. I explained to them that I'm trying to transmute these feelings into a happy appreciation for the feelings themselves and a deep gratitude for their source. I'm so very happy to not be dead anymore. I'm trying not to worry too much about the possible fleeting nature of it all and I'm trying not to create expectations about how everything unfolds. I'm all too aware of boundaries and consequences and all those other barriers to full expression of this resurrection. Using this energy to improve the life I have is my focus but I can't dismiss the attachment and affection I have for the source of this spark. I also consider that it might be entirely made up by my imagination, but even if that is the case the feelings and visceral responses are completely real. The quality of my life is so vastly improved that it's easy to spread that joy regardless. I am happy.

So this year's big energy has truly reset my senses and has even given me new life. It's been a year full of rarities: giant snowstorm, total solar eclipse, Southern Auroras, a fantastic comet, and whatever else this is that has brought me back to life. I will hope it continues but I also want to be able to withstand any contraction of the rare aspects. It's natural to want to cherish what is very rare. My prayer for this next year is that I can continue to thrive in this renewed life while sharing my happiness with all those I love.        


   

Sunday, November 10, 2024

A Rant

I haven't had a good rant in a long time so bear with me because this might get long. Unfortunately those who really need to hear it won't but that's not going to stop me.

Just stop it with your stupid "with her" and cat lady memes. This election isn't about whatever mean jokes that some guys might make. It's not about supporting someone just because their genitalia is the same as yours. Stop believing all the hateful garbage propaganda that the other guy and all of his supporters (at least half of the country) are a "threat to democracy." You know what's a real threat to democracy? Picking a senile old guy who's just a meat puppet to be the leader of the free would and him picking a completely unqualified running mate just because she checks off a bunch of diversity boxes. Then cheating the election by stuffing ballots with dead people along with other methods. Old meat puppet and useless vice president then basically destroy the country and pretty much try to start WWW3. Massive inflation and true citizens being slaves to this illegitimate government while illegal invaders get all kinds of benefits and money. Massive amounts of money being sent to Ukraine to be laundered by those people who've been "running the country" for the last several decades because they have been invested in Ukrainian interests for a long time. Then when old meat puppet's senility is finally totally undeniable anymore and has lost most support even from previous supporters they force him out of the race. Just because he's losing. Even though he supposedly was the democratically chosen candidate. A behind-the-scenes coup. Then the very unpopular vice is installed as the candidate and the media goes into full love mode even though nobody liked her before. Oh, and let's throw in there that the "bad guy" on our side is nearly assassinated in an obvious inside job by malicious negligence.

Nov. 10, 2024 The previous paragraph was written in July 2024. Much has happened since then. Democracy - as defined by our Constitution - prevailed and the election showed that a true majority of Americans are on the same page about most issues that really affect our lives and security. Of course we are all called racist, sexist, and lots of other -ists just because we rejected the coup-installed unqualified DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion) candidate. We the People are fed up with being told we are worthless garbage. We are not the threat to democracy. We are not the ones trashing all things sacred and valuable. We are not the ones brainwashed by media propaganda that encourages people to disrespect, insult, distrust, hate, and shun anyone who does not follow their cult. They project all their worst ideas, thoughts, and feelings onto us. 

I have endured my own sister publicly posting hateful, insulting words about people like me and pretty much my whole family- immediate and extended, and most of my friends too. She thinks she's being righteous because she's convinced that we are against her and her gay son and I'm not even sure what else. We have NEVER been against them. We have only ever treated them with love and generosity and acceptance. I'm not sure why she so easily believes such horrible things about people who have always been kind and loving. She has accused me of not loving them purely based on the twisted propaganda that tells her that we are actually monsters for supporting a candidate that has a proven record of helping the country thrive while being actually inclusive. Does she realize that by verbally abusing *my* children and friends, calling them hateful bigots unworthy of respect, she's actually the one behaving like a monster? She's so consumed by a deranged hatred that she's doing to us what she thinks we want to do to them. How much disrespect am I supposed to endure? How am I supposed to react when she's hating on all the people I love? What do I tell my children who come to me and ask if their aunt actually hates them? She's my sister and I love her, but how much abuse and disrespect am I supposed to take? A part of me is just about ready to cut ties and just leave her to wallow in her misery. She's pretty much throwing all of us into the trash so what else can I do? I've talked and explained and defended in all the ways I know how. She just refuses to listen and consider that we are not all the terrible things that she's been told by a bunch of strangers on TV who are motivated by money, power, and influence and not by true caring and compassion for anyone. Those people do not actually care about her, her child, her life, her job, her anything. Why does she (and so many other people) allow them to have so much control over her thoughts and relationships? But we're the garbage monsters, yeah, right.  

And just a note about "reproductive rights." Most of us don't really care what other people are doing as long as we aren't forced to support or pay for things that are none of our business. In the most fundamental sense I do believe that abortion is ending a real life, but I am also able to see things in a more nuanced way and realize that sometimes people have to make hard choices. None of us are perfect. I don't think it's wrong for the states to have more say than the federal government in how this issue is handled. The pro-abortion people have had decades to pass an actual law that protects that "right" instead of relying on court rulings. But they don't really care that much about actually solving issues because they make so much money and get more power from keeping things contentious. In my ideal world abortion would be the obsolete barbaric thing that people did before they knew better and had so many options for preventing its need. I would like to see more inclusion of father's rights. Sure, the baby is inside the woman's body but it is also 50% genetically the father's. How are we not including this fact in the whole discussion? Why are we surprised that segments of the male population are "dead beat dads" when we have basically forced them out of the equation? It's a much bigger issue than the simplistic view that has prevailed. Ultimately I am libertarian and don't want to interfere with other people's lives but when push comes to shove I am going to tell them what I believe is bad and wrong. So if you don't want to hear it then don't start pushing me around.

The whole gender confusion epidemic is another largely media-driven construct meant to divide people. Gender dysphoria is a real mental issue, but we've moved away from treating the illness to indulging delusions in the name of "compassion." But how compassionate is it really to encourage people to drastically and sometimes irreversibly alter themselves to fit a delusional view of themselves? I don't particularly care if a man wants to dress as a woman or vice versa, but if you have a penis you are a man and need to use the men's restroom. If you were born with testicles then you are a boy and should compete in boys' sports. If you have XY chromosomes then you are a male and have all the male physical advantages in muscle, metabolism, and strength and should not be using those advantages in girls' sports. Putting on a bra, or even getting breast implants does not make a female. Not even cutting off your dick and balls will make you a female. Now, if someone decides they are "non-binary" whatever the hell that means then fine, go do you, but don't get your panties in a wad if I don't play along. Pronouns are grammar - not identity. If you're getting upset by something as innocuous as pronouns then it looks like a mental problem to me. I mean, I've gotten mail addressed to "Mr. Rae McCurry" but I just laugh it off. I'm not devastated by being "misgendered." My hope for the future is that we will allow children to develop fully before we allow doctors and parents to alter their bodies to fit some temporary fantasy.

Lastly, let's just say that it feels like the tide is turning and that more people than not have awakened to the reality of how corrupt our media have become. How wrong they've been about so many things like election polls and standings and other basic facts that they want to manipulate. We have freedom of speech and freedom of the press but those rely on integrity and acceptance of differences. Labelling all ideas and statements that do not align with their agenda as "misinformation" is the ultimate misinformation. Are they free to lie? Are they free to condemn and vilify over half the country? Sure, I guess they can try to get away with slander and libel, but they are not free to suppress our ability to defend ourselves and to correct their lies and respond to their insults. And that is exactly what they are trying to do. They want to shut down all we say by characterizing it as hateful, incorrect, and even evil. They misrepresent our views and ideas. They LIE. There is collusion between the corrupt media and the corruption in the government. It is deeper than the elected officials. The vast bureaucracy and system of appointed agency positions that are largely unchanged by elections are very corrupt especially at the leadership levels. So many of the "three letter" agencies are so corrupt that they appear incompetent. It's more likely that they hide their true corruption behind that appearance of incompetence. The people are losing confidence and trust in these agencies along with the lost trust and confidence in the media. We the people are not the problem. We the people have spoken and I hope that this time we will do more to hold accountable all of those who have misled, lied, and belittled us. Whatever and whoever their "resistance" is we see them and we are watching and we are ready.          

Saturday, November 09, 2024

What a Week, Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

I might be going supernova right now, like all this past week, I've been on absolute fire. Mostly good but sometimes a little embarrassing too. I think maybe these are menopausal hot flashes, but they're not entirely unpleasant except when they have interfered with my ability to fully perceive. Thinking back at moments I wish I had been less distracted by trying not to spontaneously combust. There are details I wish I had been able to commit to memory. The burning internal heat just consumed too much of my awareness so that I feel like I missed some important points. But some moments did embed into my mind like sparks - brilliant flashes of something that feels really nice.   

"Lovely is the feelin' now, fever, temperatures risin' now, power (oh power) is the force,"

Add that we got a big boost of vindication in the political realm. Maybe the solar maximum is helping raise that energy level as well. 

I'm trying to remain grounded amidst all these currents on multiple wavelengths, ebb and flow of a stimulated ocean along with a wildfire stirred by high winds. My senses are in the process of being reset to account for all this influx of new energy. I'm trying to find my thresholds of perception and boundaries of reality. Things have shifted and sometimes I feel little overwhelmed but in that ecstatic hyper-stimulated way. But then sometimes I swing the other direction towards despair at the thought that I've completely misread everything and nothing is as I've felt and thought. Ridiculous delights, dramas, and dilemmas all played out in my head and making me feel real feelings but to what consequence? Ultimately I keep reminding myself to appreciate feeling good whether it originates internally or is aroused by an external source.

Despite the occasional discomfort I am enjoying this big hot energy. It makes me feel so alive and energized. I hope it doesn't wane any time soon. 

"Keep on, with the force, don't stop, don't stop 'til you get enough"