I'm always too full of thoughts and sometimes they overflow into spoken or written words. Usually it's just overthinking and oversharing things that don't matter in the grand scheme. I don't have a lot of people in real life that have the time or desire to listen to all the blather so I come here or some other social media or my private journals to let it all out.
One of my ruminations today has been about courage and audacity. It seems like most people are under the impression that they can't do the things that they really want to do because they either feel too insecure to try or because they think that those things are just not possible or way too hard. I've struggled with these problems too, and was thinking about things I wished I had the courage to do and say to people recently, but then I remembered all the times in my life that I have been bold enough to do really out-of-the-ordinary things. Even as a child I overcame my shyness and self-doubts to do the things I really wanted to do. I never felt or thought of myself as audacious or brave but now I can see how I was those things and how others probably saw me that way too all while I was feeling awkward and clumsy.
During my skating years I set out on some really unique journeys for most kids. At the age of 10-12 I was spending most of my summer days walking to the Gatlinburg tramway from the Shoney's, where my dad was a manager, to spend all day skating. I would ride to work with him or my mom who worked at a bank in Gatlinburg. From the Shoney's (sadly, that Shoney's no longer exists - it was demolished to make a parking lot) I'd walk all the way to the tram (not sure the distance - maybe .5 mile one way), ride it up the mountain, skate 3 hours (10-1) then ride the tram back down, walk back to Shoney's, eat lunch, walk back to the tram, ride back up, skate 2-3 more hours (2ish-5ish), ride the tram back down and get picked up by my mom. All of this done all by myself, in the days long before cell phones. As a mom now I think that was kind of crazy to let a kid do that, but times were different then and Gatlinburg was more of a small town where people watched out for each other and their kids. Anyway, I was aware enough to walk with an attitude of "don't even think of bothering me" and I had my heavy skate bag to swing at anyone who might have tried. (never had anyone bother me)
Then other later summers I would go spend 2-11 weeks in other towns for skating camps, living with strangers whose kids also skated. Again, as a mom it blows my mind that my mom agreed to this, but I guess she really trusted me and the other people. Plus she was pretty psychic too and could read situations and people. The first away skating camps were in Knoxville for only two weeks, but as I progressed I got to go to the Atlanta area for longer camps, usually 6 weeks. The summer I was 14 I flew all by myself from Knoxville to Dallas, TX, to live 11 weeks with a family we had never met. I remember being somewhat nervous, but somehow I had to audacity to go. That same year I spend September- November living with the Georgia family skating full time and doing correspondence school (early form of homeschooling). It didn't seem all that out of the ordinary because I always felt very ordinary, but I also did realize that it was not a common experience. What might have seemed impossible or highly unlikely to many was just what I had to do to strive to reach my goals. Maybe I've always been a little "unrealistic" about what is possible because I've had opportunities to push the boundaries of what was possible or easy. (I was also lucky to have parents and other people who did so much to support my dreams. While there were the occasional mean people - other kids and some petty adults - most people were good to me.)
I'm not bragging. I'm just pondering the reasons why I get frustrated sometimes when other people seem stuck in a mindset that they can't do things. If you tell me something is unfeasable I'll tell you a dozen ways that it is actually doable. I'm an imaginative problem solver. Impractical? Yeah, sometimes, but it often takes that kind boldness to make progress. But on the other hand, in the present day I find myself feeling a lack of courage to break free of certain constraints. Maybe it's more obligation than a lack of courage. There are a lot more people who are affected by my choices and actions now than when I was a child.
Maybe these thoughts and revelations are meant to bring love to my inner child and appreciate what she did that was really actually very courageous and bold. I've mostly looked at the failures and disappointments but now I see that damn, I was kind of a badass little girl. Sure, I didn't have the fierce competitive nature to succeed in competitive skating, but I should probably be more proud of the way I pushed boundaries and took risks to find that out. Maybe I should be more inspired by her determination to try and not be so worried about failures and rejections.
(To be fair, it's not been all rainbows and butterflies when I've taken this audacity to its limits. I've done regrettable things - regret that my actions hurt others but can't regret the experiences even the painful ones - while chasing some ideas. Those are stories for another time.)
