Sadness

I've been overcome with a sadness the last week or so. I don't know exactly why or what it is about. It just is. I'm trying to take my own advice from the tarot card I created over 20 years ago, part of a tarot deck I got about halfway done and got busy with other life and never finished. Some of the cards I still like but most are kind of bleh. Anyway, sorrow is the theme of the present.

I do know one thing that's added to the feeling. My oldest son told me this morning that he is getting a vasectomy later this month. I know it's his life and his decision and that it is reversable if he changes his mind but it still makes me a little sad. It could be that my already emotionally tender state has made me less adaptable. Maybe I won't ever get to be a grandmother. Maybe it's some kind of generational curse that my bloodline goes extinct. (yeah, very depressing thought but I am beginning to really question the future of the whole human race as so many good people are not reproducing and so many stupid idiots are, but really what do I care anyway since I won't be around too much longer - another depressing thought but mortality is real and if I'm average I might have 20 more years to live; all these dark thoughts bubbling up from the depths of whatever hell I've found)

Wow, there you go. Can't have light without the dark. I am just a little blob of organic matter on a little rock in a small system orbiting a smallish star in its midlife in a galaxy of millions of other stars in an endless universe so what does it matter if I feel sad about anything? (that doesn't really help but it's just attempted verbal exorcism of the demons in my mind) Where did this existential crisis come from?

This too shall pass, I suppose. I'm tired of having to let things go. 

  

Negotiations Part 5: Dealbreakers

Not all negotiations come to a satisfactory conclusion. Sometimes there are deal breakers that cannot be overcome. Every negotiation is unique and each side has their own dealbreakers that might not even be known until the negotiations are well under way. They could be anything, but dealbreakers generally should not be frivolous nor simple annoying quirks as long as they don't interfere with forward progress. 

One of the biggest dealbreakers is deception. Certainly we can't make meaningful deals with people are who are not honest and trustworthy. That one should be clear from the beginning. Sometimes the deception of withheld information is as damaging as outright lies. Hopefully all necessary information is shared during the discovery stage, if not sooner. 

The other big dealbreaker is refusal to engage. If one side does not communicate then there is no negotiation at all. Using this tactic to end negotiations is very immature. It is far better to speak up and explain that, for whatever reasons, there is no longer a desire to make a deal. If there are other reasons that make clear communication difficult then those should be made obvious so that the negotiations can be put on hold until those reasons are resolved. 

Negotiation is communication.

As for other dealbreakers they should be specified and communicated from the beginning or as soon as they are identified.     

"Communication breakdown, it's always the same" Led Zeppelin, "Communication Breakdown"  

Negotiations Part 4: Discovery and Unfinished Business

As negotiations proceed there is the stage of discovery and verification - which means learning details about each side's position, offerings, problems, concerns, assets, liabilities, aspirations, fears, etc., and where there is unfinished business that needs done before a deal is sealed. Usually unfinished business is part of its own separate complicated negotiation, and it is vital to the future of the negotiations for that unfinished business to be resolved one way or another. How it is completed will determine the direction of the negotiations. It is best to not try to influence those outside negotiations and to wait and see how they go and be ready to pivot your position or withdraw it altogether. It might be necessary to put a time limit on that process. 

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away and know when to run

You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done"

"The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers

   

Secret Heartbreak

The heaviness of the heartbreak that can't be shared is becoming unbearable. I don't want to set it down and leave it be because the pain of carrying it is at least something to feel. The emptiness of letting it go might be even more unbearable. I've tried carrying gratitude for all the blessings as a way to offset its weight. Unfortunately, guilt and shame want to jump on too because 'why isn't it enough?'

Maybe the answer is to just collapse under all that burden. Let it all fall down with me. I fear the sorrow won't end. Although all the previous sorrows have healed it has left me weary and scarred and reluctant to endure much more. I am tired. If I fall and drop everything what will I do with the loneliness that remains?

I need practical solutions. All the inner work and prayers and trying to transmute unhappiness into something else have given nothing in the way of real relief. I've been asking God or the Universe to help change my mental and emotional perspectives so that I can be more at peace with what is and what should never be. I've even given God or the Universe a couple of ideas about what might be helpful - I need a grandbaby or a boyfriend - neither of which looks imminent. Both beyond my control. One more practical (and proper) than the other. One that really shouldn't even be asked for but there it is.

I've spent almost 36 years of my life trying to keep a man's attention and begging for my needs to be considered. I don't want more of that in a new package. I need to feel desired and cared for in a way that does not leave me insecure, unsure, and confused. I do not want to feel like I'm a bother or annoying. So, God or the Universe, please take that into account. Maybe what I need is impossible to find. Maybe I'll just have to to find a way to get through the rest of my life keeping the most painful heartbreak hidden deep inside. 

        

Negotiations Part 3: Intense, Complicated Developments

The last 5 weeks have really wrecked me to the roots. First we got devastating news that was going to completely change the whole of reality. It was premature, but there was a long month of worrying and waiting to learn that truth. Along with the worrying and grieving what we thought was going to end, I allowed myself to consider other possible futures that could have been quite happy eventually. I wish I was not so prone to these imaginations and conjectures, but I think this sometimes helps me to get through the hardest times - creating some hope even if it's unrealistic and untenable. It inevitably leads to big disappointment - crash and burn. Of course I'm relieved that the worst news ended up being inaccurate, but do I have to beat myself up for being a little sad about the loss of the potential alternative future?

I had no idea that negotiating karmic passes would be so difficult, complex, and painful. I thought the point of the passes was to lessen those things, especially the pain. But the universe operates by its own rules and we really have to learn to go with it instead of trying so hard to steer and control. It isn't even control though. It's more of a need to be somewhat prepared. I'm questioning the actual benefit of the mindset of being prepared and thinking through the likely possibilities. I mean, when, really, has anything ever really gone the way of any of these speculations? I must be the worst ever at negotiations because I am too attached to certain outcomes and fall into disarray when those become unlikely or even impossible. How did I miss and misinterpret so many clues and details? Why do I jump to conclusions? Maybe it's confirmation bias where I just assume (should never assume but lacking actual detailed information makes it really hard not to) that I am interpreting things correctly. Such a disconnect from the heart to the brain. I am ridiculous.

I honestly do not know if these negotiations are over or just stalled or what. According to TikTok and Instagram I have "anxious attachment" in relationships. It fits the childhood and all the other experiences of feeling insecure and abandoned when I'm not getting enough attention or reassurance. The fear of being too much and wanting too much is part of that too. Over my life I've been rejected for having "unrealistic" expectations and needs. I know that expectations are problematic and I have sometimes been able to release the urge to form them. I want to learn how to accept things as they are and be okay not knowing. But is it too much as ask for some assurance? I think details and information are one of my love languages. I give a lot but also need a lot in return. Well, in this situation I feel restrained, like the universe or whoever I'm negotiating with is not really interested in my hearing all my details and information. I guess if that's the case then maybe there is no real reason to be negotiating at all. 

Perhaps right now is not the time to make any final decisions or proclamations. I am still reeling and staggering emotionally from all that's happened in these last 5 weeks. The word trauma is very overused these days but it seems accurate here. I am strong enough to endure and learn even while tender and bruised. Maybe these are some karmic payments for what has been proposed. I just don't know. The Serenity Prayer keeps coming to mind:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." (also the patience to get to that knowing)

"Finish What Ya Started" by Van Halen

"Come on baby, finish what ya started 

I'm incomplete, huh

That ain't no way to treat the broken-hearted

I need some sympathy

I like to look at the long run

I like to take each step, one by one

Right on time, you will arrive

By keepin' the dream alive

It's alive

And it's kickin'

Inside of me

So come on baby, please"      

Negotiations Part 2, Delicate

Karmic passes are delicate matters. Approval is pending. Need discussion of disclaimers and other details - delicacy required. Points of clarification include the requirement of 100% confidentiality and the definition of karmic currency, which is knowledge of the happiness gained therein. The value of this karmic currency is variable based on demand, so use sparingly to keep it valuable.  

  

Negotiations, Even Doves Have Pride

I'm don't like negotiations that much. I prefer accepting fair offers without too much back and forth. But some things require considering lots of different aspects, and the start value is very high on both sides. A strong way to start such negotiations is to open with a very large proposition which reflects the ultimate best outcome from our position. (This might be part of the art of the deal?) Oftentimes this first "ask" is somewhat unrealistic, though not impossible. Each side then has to make offers and counteroffers until they are both satisfied or decide they can't come to any agreement. It is important to get closure of whether or not the negotiation is really over. Unfortunately these days the concept of closure isn't appreciated or encouraged as much as it should be, but as social beings we must remember that things tend to go better when we actually interact and relate instead of just focusing only on oneself. I do agree with the idea that we are not responsible for other people's feelings, but I also believe that it leads to a lonely and frustrated world when we don't consider other people's feelings at all. There is so much focus now on the self that we might be slipping away from the true intention of being social animals. Sure, I can only control my own feelings and thoughts but I don't want to dismiss the needs and desires of people I care about. Life is all about negotiating these things.  

I've begun a complex negotiation to redeem a couple of karmic passes. I've put in my request to the universe and now I'm waiting. I especially don't like negotiating with the universe because it sometimes refuses to engage. The whole unanswered prayers are answers anyway deal.

"How can you just leave me standing
Alone in a world that's so cold? (So cold)
Maybe I'm just too demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied (she's never satisfied)" 

Prince, "When Doves Cry"

But sometimes the universe surprises us by giving us exactly what we've asked for or even something far beyond. Last year was so surprising in so many ways. I might feel like I am not allowed to ask for anything more after getting so much, but here it is. I am struggling a bit with staying in a place of restful gratitude. Maybe my lesson is patience and repose - quiet stillness (super hard for my ADHD-tism-like self). Meanwhile, the karmic passes are on the table. I guess the universe is evaluating my initial offer which might take a while, or it might decide to completely disregard it. Waiting is the hardest part. Even doves have pride.