Ecclesiastes 3

This chapter is so incredibly deep and profound. We humans think we are so all-powerful and all-knowing because of being made in His image, but we are in this temporary in-carn-ation of fragile flesh. Nothing is eternal and indestructible like God. 

The verse that has consumed my mind is 11: He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

The particular phrase that really sears in my thoughts is "set eternity in the human heart" and I think that is the definition of love. It is God's love and the kind of love we are supposed to share with each other - timeless, eternal, and all the things of laid out in 1 Corinthians 13. We can't fully comprehend it but that does not mean it is diminished or not real. "No one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

(Today I am feeling really very sad. Feeling hurt, excluded, forgotten. I need to shore up a couple of my Four Agreements mantras: "don't take anything personally" and "don't make assumptions." It's hard sometimes to let go of feelings -good and bad, but I know there is a time for everything and that everything that is has been before and will be again. God is testing me and I'm failing. I'm just a stupid animal, dust to dust.)       

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2  a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3  a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

4  a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6  a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7  a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8  a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

15 Whatever is has already been,

    and what will be has been before;

    and God will call the past to account.[b]

16 And I saw something else under the sun:

    In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,

    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

17 I said to myself,

    “God will bring into judgment

    both the righteous and the wicked,

    for there will be a time for every activity,

    a time to judge every deed.”

18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 

20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

TURN! TURN! TURN! (Lyrics) - THE BYRDS

Not Karma, Just Aging

Turns out that my current shoulder troubles are not actually related to my youthful blunder. Apparently I have a 3-4 cm tear in my rotator cuff likely because of a bone spur rubbing it. The doctor say he didn't think it was because of the break in 1999. So I can let that stop being a source of self censure. 

I'm sure that the tearing is due to the increased physical activity of the last year. I probably overdid a lot because I had so much energy. Lots of heavy lifting, reaching, carrying, and exercise probably caused all the rubbing and tearing. The spirit's willing but the body can't keep up.

So let's just add shoulder surgery to this year's list of hard things. It's scheduled for the last week of October. Three months of recovery. Ouch.  

Be Still and Know

Psalm 46 has been on my mind a lot for a while. It does help to stop in the midst of life's chaos to just be in the moment, observing and sensing and existing without judgment or analysis but with gratitude and reverence. Whether it's God or Nature or whatever bigger thing one feels connected to it is calming to acknowledge and appreciate it. 

That being said, this week has been a doozy with the political assassination of Charlie Kirk. I didn't necessarily agree 100% with him but in general yes, we were of similar minds. He was so young and still being formed. His harder edges would have softened with time and life experience but that was stolen from him by an even younger man, deranged by social lies and propaganda meant to cause exactly what he did and whose life is now ruined as well as those of his parents. The Left has demonized the Right and has convinced too many young people that their families and neighbors who are conservative are dangerous fascists and need to be stopped at whatever cost. Well, Lefties, you are the real fascists. And the hatred that is the source of all your momentum is imploding upon you as the Right mourns the loss of a man who only wanted to have conversations. Gosh, someone else a couple thousand years ago was also killed for just talking to people. Not that Kirk was a savior but he was a martyr for the same cause. And instead of burning down cities, as the Left does when they are upset, we are praying for peace and giving each other solace. We are not the same as the Left. We know how to be still. 

Those who continue to blame the guns for the violence they encourage are engaging in idolatry - giving power to objects. It's not the guns. It's the people. And those who throw the bodies of dead children at us as ammunition against gun rights are the worst kinds of hypocrites. They don't actually care about those children. They are only using their deaths as props for their twisted arguments and to try to hurt those that don't conform to their twisted views. They don't really care about children when they are trying to justify and celebrate the death of a father. Two very young children had to witness their father's neck exploding from a bullet. Yeah, now tell me how much they care about kids.

Our country doesn't have a gun problem. (https://viciousmomma.blogspot.com/2018/10/happiness-is-warm-gun.html)  It has a mental health crisis. The 50 year experiment of closing down mental hospitals is clearly a huge failure. Mental health has always been the last area of concern for society, but it has become so obvious that what has been done is not working to help the ill nor keep the community safe from the unhinged. There are mental illnesses that are encouraged and promoted as protected identities. Doctors are taught to push pills for every complaint in the attempt to subdue, but that's just been more experimentation with negative unforeseen consequences. Prisons and the streets are full of people whose mental health needs haven't been met. And the mentally unstable are especially susceptible to nonstop manipulative media and propaganda that feeds their delusions and paranoia. I don't have all the answers, but first we have to identify the problems and that's what I'm trying to do.

Kirk's assassination was The Turning Point. It's very clear and obvious the difference between the Left and Right, their reactions to this event, and the strong consequences the Left is seeing for their hateful statements and reactions to his killing. Many eyes have been opened and they are making changes to their affiliations. This feels somewhat Biblical. I guess we will see how things unfold from here. Be still and know. 

On a kind of side note I am getting some feelings about this mysterious Comet 3I Atlas that is speeding into our inner solar system from the very far unknown. People are speculating that it's some kind of extraterrestrial alien technology or craft. Maybe it is. There are some valid concerns about its nature and highly unlikely trajectory. But it's more likely that it is just a very rare thing that just happens to be coming at a time when it could be seen as a big sign or harbinger. Comets have always been seen as harbingers of doom or big changes, and actually in my life the times that comets have been visible there have been significant life events, deaths, illnesses, and changes that soon follow. My primary thoughts on this one is that as it passes closer to the sun it will leave debris in the Earth's path that will have big consequences for us - either destructive impacts, new chemical compounds or elements, or even microbial seeds of change. Maybe it's some alien bioforming to make our planet more suitable for their invasion? Maybe it's a gift for further evolution of our own technology and state of being? Maybe it's Jesus's ride for His return? Well, I can't help but let my imagination consider all the possibilities, even the outlandish and highly unlikely. We all like to have our conspiracy theories sometimes. I am watching for news about it anyway and my ideas will adjust to new information. If nothing else I do hope that it will have a beautiful visible tail. Last year's Comet Atlas was quite spectacular and it did portend this year's impressive traumas.

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam

    and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

    the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;

    God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,

    the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease

    to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

    he burns the shields with fire.

10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

   

   

You Don't Have to Worry About Me

Just putting it out here that after yesterday's crashing out bit I am feeling much better today. I don't know what, if anything, has shifted or changed but I'm glad to be past that awful slump. It probably was just menopausal crap. But damn, why's it have to get so dark? 

Maybe just writing it out helped and also last night I tried to transmute it into a different form - visual and poetic (not good art or poetry but whatever). 

Water Energy

Breaking delusions

Can't say it out loud

The scary part

Knocked out of the boat

Drowning in turbulence

Overwhelmed

Battered by rocky obstacles

Feeling like last chances

Shattering pain

Loss of breath

Final surrender

Crashing Out

I've kind of gone quiet here for a while. Not because I haven't had anything to say but because I've been crashing out somewhat and haven't had the energy to do much of anything. It's not the angry, loud, flashy crash-out that happens sometimes, but it's the exhausted, empty crash-out. I'm not even sure I have the energy to write out how it is.

It feels like I've been disconnected from some power supply that was helping me feel motivated to do all the things I want and need to do. It feels like depression but I'm not really sad exactly. Just empty. I tend to think that it's the loss of estrogen hitting all at once this summer. 

I guess the supernova of last year has finally evaporated after this year's wake of "equal and opposite" reactions to the big happy energy that carried me through most of 2024. Yeah, that's exactly how I would visualize it: a massive supernova, bright beautiful, energetic rushing forward. But all big releases of energy create a backwash, an equal and opposite reaction, a vacuum of emptiness. It might not be as obvious but it is there. I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense but how I feel doesn't make sense either.

I am actually the healthiest physically I've been in over 25 years, and I was feeling that until just recently. I guess I should talk to my doctor about hormone replacement therapy. I didn't want to go that route and wanted to do this "change of life" naturally, but damn, it's getting rough. I need to talk to her about the risk factors before making a decision. The brain fog, loss of energy and motivation, fatigue, and moodiness are getting hard to overcome with my usual methods. I can literally feel myself aging, and it's not pleasant. I'm just worn out.

And to be completely honest the hardest thing is the realization that I've already lived most of my life. I might get 20-30 more years, but who knows? And it's hard not to look back at the mistakes I made that continue to haunt me. Like my stupid right shoulder that I broke in 1999 because I was being stupid and overestimating my athletic prowess. It has flared up over the years, the last time 9 years ago, but this year it's been really bad. I got a shot in it in May but it's worn off already. The PA told me it probably would because there's a bone spur rubbing on stuff. I need to go back and have an MRI and probably surgery but I'm too crashed out to make the call. Another stupid thing I beat myself up over (this ridiculous phone paralysis which is worse now because of all the other crap that's bothering me). Anyway, I beat myself up over how I fell and how it continues to cause me pain and frustration. What little mental energy I have is spent in beating myself up over all of these things. 

I'm still hung up on the one thing that I really want. It looks like that is just another stupid thing that I can beat myself up about because it seems to be drifting away like that fading supernova, recaptured by some other preexisting gravitational pull. It was never for me. What a terrible trick of circumstance. Fuck you Universe.    

Feeling Talkative and Audacious

I'm always too full of thoughts and sometimes they overflow into spoken or written words. Usually it's just overthinking and oversharing things that don't matter in the grand scheme. I don't have a lot of people in real life that have the time or desire to listen to all the blather so I come here or some other social media or my private journals to let it all out.

One of my ruminations today has been about courage and audacity. It seems like most people are under the impression that they can't do the things that they really want to do because they either feel too insecure to try or because they think that those things are just not possible or way too hard. I've struggled with these problems too, and was thinking about things I wished I had the courage to do and say to people recently, but then I remembered all the times in my life that I have been bold enough to do really out-of-the-ordinary things. Even as a child I overcame my shyness and self-doubts to do the things I really wanted to do. I never felt or thought of myself as audacious or brave but now I can see how I was those things and how others probably saw me that way too all while I was feeling awkward and clumsy. 

During my skating years I set out on some really unique journeys for most kids. At the age of 10-12 I was spending most of my summer days walking to the Gatlinburg tramway from the Shoney's, where my dad was a manager, to spend all day skating. I would ride to work with him or my mom who worked at a bank in Gatlinburg. From the Shoney's (sadly, that Shoney's no longer exists - it was demolished to make a parking lot) I'd walk all the way to the tram (not sure the distance - maybe .5 mile one way), ride it up the mountain, skate 3 hours (10-1) then ride the tram back down, walk back to Shoney's, eat lunch, walk back to the tram, ride back up, skate 2-3 more hours (2ish-5ish), ride the tram back down and get picked up by my mom. All of this done all by myself, in the days long before cell phones. As a mom now I think that was kind of crazy to let a kid do that, but times were different then and Gatlinburg was more of a small town where people watched out for each other and their kids. Anyway, I was aware enough to walk with an attitude of "don't even think of bothering me" and I had my heavy skate bag to swing at anyone who might have tried. (never had anyone bother me)

Then other later summers I would go spend 2-11 weeks in other towns for skating camps, living with strangers whose kids also skated. Again, as a mom it blows my mind that my mom agreed to this, but I guess she really trusted me and the other people. Plus she was pretty psychic too and could read situations and people. The first away skating camps were in Knoxville for only two weeks, but as I progressed I got to go to the Atlanta area for longer camps, usually 6 weeks. The summer I was 14 I flew all by myself from Knoxville to Dallas, TX, to live 11 weeks with a family we had never met. I remember being somewhat nervous, but somehow I had to audacity to go. That same year I spend September- November living with the Georgia family skating full time and doing correspondence school (early form of homeschooling). It didn't seem all that out of the ordinary because I always felt very ordinary, but I also did realize that it was not a common experience. What might have seemed impossible or highly unlikely to many was just what I had to do to strive to reach my goals. Maybe I've always been a little "unrealistic" about what is possible because I've had opportunities to push the boundaries of what was possible or easy. (I was also lucky to have parents and other people who did so much to support my dreams. While there were the occasional mean people - other kids and some petty adults - most people were good to me.) 

I'm not bragging. I'm just pondering the reasons why I get frustrated sometimes when other people seem stuck in a mindset that they can't do things. If you tell me something is unfeasable I'll tell you a dozen ways that it is actually doable. I'm an imaginative problem solver. Impractical? Yeah, sometimes, but it often takes that kind boldness to make progress. But on the other hand, in the present day I find myself feeling a lack of courage to break free of certain constraints. Maybe it's more obligation than a lack of courage. There are a lot more people who are affected by my choices and actions now than when I was a child. 

Maybe these thoughts and revelations are meant to bring love to my inner child and appreciate what she did that was really actually very courageous and bold. I've mostly looked at the failures and disappointments but now I see that damn, I was kind of a badass little girl. Sure, I didn't have the fierce competitive nature to succeed in competitive skating, but I should probably be more proud of the way I pushed boundaries and took risks to find that out. Maybe I should be more inspired by her determination to try and not be so worried about failures and rejections. 

(To be fair, it's not been all rainbows and butterflies when I've taken this audacity to its limits. I've done regrettable things - regret that my actions hurt others but can't regret the experiences even the painful ones - while chasing some ideas. Those are stories for another time.) 

          

Mind Fuckery

I'm not sure that word is allowed here but I don't care really. 

It's just a yucky Monday and I feel stupid. Not the fuck-around-and-find-out kind of stupid (might be more fun) but the everything-I-think-is-fucked-up kind of stupid. 

The other night I was taking a bath and I noticed my phone's little red camera light was on even though I wasn't using the camera. I didn't have any apps open. Did someone hack my phone camera? Is that really actually possible? Lord help them if they did because they surely got traumatized by what they might have seen. Aging isn't kind to bodies. I'm trying not to think about it too much but the thoughts of people laughing and making fun of this random old lady in the most private moments make me sad and embarrassed. Embarrassment is actually fairly rare for me anymore. I've lived long enough to be mostly unbothered by other people's opinions, but I'm not sure we ever outgrow the hurt of being purposely actively bullied. It was probably nothing anyway. (Ignorance is bliss.)

There are ideas about the universe that fuck me up too. Like quantum entanglement. Meh. What's the point of that? I mean, if we want to be entangled then just fucking tangle in the real tangible world. Mind fucks are okay for a while but the time we have in the actual physical existence is really short so stop it with the mind fucks and get on with the actual fucks before it's too late. Yeah, I'm saying fuck around and find out. Maybe that's the real meaning of life lol. (Actually, it probably is the real meaning of life. We don't learn anything or get anywhere without action.)

Yeah lord, I'm in some kind of weird mood. Haven't been to church in three weeks. (Been out of town.) But I'm sorry to say that not even church has succeeded in stopping the mind fuckery.  I have no mental discipline.  Plus I think I'm just tired of all the work of trying to stop the mind fuckery. 

That's just a small bit of the mental orgy of nonsense that's fucking up my mind today. 

Now I'm lookin' at a flashback Sunday
Zoom lens feelings just won't disappear
Close-up darkroom sweet-talk in my ear
Her hot-spot love for me is strong
This freeze-frame moment can't be wrong   -  Freeze Frame by The J. Geils Band