You Don't Have to Worry About Me

Just putting it out here that after yesterday's crashing out bit I am feeling much better today. I don't know what, if anything, has shifted or changed but I'm glad to be past that awful slump. It probably was just menopausal crap. But damn, why's it have to get so dark? 

Maybe just writing it out helped and also last night I tried to transmute it into a different form - visual and poetic (not good art or poetry but whatever). 

Water Energy

Breaking delusions

Can't say it out loud

The scary part

Knocked out of the boat

Drowning in turbulence

Overwhelmed

Battered by rocky obstacles

Feeling like last chances

Shattering pain

Loss of breath

Final surrender

Crashing Out

I've kind of gone quiet here for a while. Not because I haven't had anything to say but because I've been crashing out somewhat and haven't had the energy to do much of anything. It's not the angry, loud, flashy crash-out that happens sometimes, but it's the exhausted, empty crash-out. I'm not even sure I have the energy to write out how it is.

It feels like I've been disconnected from some power supply that was helping me feel motivated to do all the things I want and need to do. It feels like depression but I'm not really sad exactly. Just empty. I tend to think that it's the loss of estrogen hitting all at once this summer. 

I guess the supernova of last year has finally evaporated after this year's wake of "equal and opposite" reactions to the big happy energy that carried me through most of 2024. Yeah, that's exactly how I would visualize it: a massive supernova, bright beautiful, energetic rushing forward. But all big releases of energy create a backwash, an equal and opposite reaction, a vacuum of emptiness. It might not be as obvious but it is there. I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense but how I feel doesn't make sense either.

I am actually the healthiest physically I've been in over 25 years, and I was feeling that until just recently. I guess I should talk to my doctor about hormone replacement therapy. I didn't want to go that route and wanted to do this "change of life" naturally, but damn, it's getting rough. I need to talk to her about the risk factors before making a decision. The brain fog, loss of energy and motivation, fatigue, and moodiness are getting hard to overcome with my usual methods. I can literally feel myself aging, and it's not pleasant. I'm just worn out.

And to be completely honest the hardest thing is the realization that I've already lived most of my life. I might get 20-30 more years, but who knows? And it's hard not to look back at the mistakes I made that continue to haunt me. Like my stupid right shoulder that I broke in 1999 because I was being stupid and overestimating my athletic prowess. It has flared up over the years, the last time 9 years ago, but this year it's been really bad. I got a shot in it in May but it's worn off already. The PA told me it probably would because there's a bone spur rubbing on stuff. I need to go back and have an MRI and probably surgery but I'm too crashed out to make the call. Another stupid thing I beat myself up over (this ridiculous phone paralysis which is worse now because of all the other crap that's bothering me). Anyway, I beat myself up over how I fell and how it continues to cause me pain and frustration. What little mental energy I have is spent in beating myself up over all of these things. 

I'm still hung up on the one thing that I really want. It looks like that is just another stupid thing that I can beat myself up about because it seems to be drifting away like that fading supernova, recaptured by some other preexisting gravitational pull. It was never for me. What a terrible trick of circumstance. Fuck you Universe.    

Feeling Talkative and Audacious

I'm always too full of thoughts and sometimes they overflow into spoken or written words. Usually it's just overthinking and oversharing things that don't matter in the grand scheme. I don't have a lot of people in real life that have the time or desire to listen to all the blather so I come here or some other social media or my private journals to let it all out.

One of my ruminations today has been about courage and audacity. It seems like most people are under the impression that they can't do the things that they really want to do because they either feel too insecure to try or because they think that those things are just not possible or way too hard. I've struggled with these problems too, and was thinking about things I wished I had the courage to do and say to people recently, but then I remembered all the times in my life that I have been bold enough to do really out-of-the-ordinary things. Even as a child I overcame my shyness and self-doubts to do the things I really wanted to do. I never felt or thought of myself as audacious or brave but now I can see how I was those things and how others probably saw me that way too all while I was feeling awkward and clumsy. 

During my skating years I set out on some really unique journeys for most kids. At the age of 10-12 I was spending most of my summer days walking to the Gatlinburg tramway from the Shoney's, where my dad was a manager, to spend all day skating. I would ride to work with him or my mom who worked at a bank in Gatlinburg. From the Shoney's (sadly, that Shoney's no longer exists - it was demolished to make a parking lot) I'd walk all the way to the tram (not sure the distance - maybe .5 mile one way), ride it up the mountain, skate 3 hours (10-1) then ride the tram back down, walk back to Shoney's, eat lunch, walk back to the tram, ride back up, skate 2-3 more hours (2ish-5ish), ride the tram back down and get picked up by my mom. All of this done all by myself, in the days long before cell phones. As a mom now I think that was kind of crazy to let a kid do that, but times were different then and Gatlinburg was more of a small town where people watched out for each other and their kids. Anyway, I was aware enough to walk with an attitude of "don't even think of bothering me" and I had my heavy skate bag to swing at anyone who might have tried. (never had anyone bother me)

Then other later summers I would go spend 2-11 weeks in other towns for skating camps, living with strangers whose kids also skated. Again, as a mom it blows my mind that my mom agreed to this, but I guess she really trusted me and the other people. Plus she was pretty psychic too and could read situations and people. The first away skating camps were in Knoxville for only two weeks, but as I progressed I got to go to the Atlanta area for longer camps, usually 6 weeks. The summer I was 14 I flew all by myself from Knoxville to Dallas, TX, to live 11 weeks with a family we had never met. I remember being somewhat nervous, but somehow I had to audacity to go. That same year I spend September- November living with the Georgia family skating full time and doing correspondence school (early form of homeschooling). It didn't seem all that out of the ordinary because I always felt very ordinary, but I also did realize that it was not a common experience. What might have seemed impossible or highly unlikely to many was just what I had to do to strive to reach my goals. Maybe I've always been a little "unrealistic" about what is possible because I've had opportunities to push the boundaries of what was possible or easy. (I was also lucky to have parents and other people who did so much to support my dreams. While there were the occasional mean people - other kids and some petty adults - most people were good to me.) 

I'm not bragging. I'm just pondering the reasons why I get frustrated sometimes when other people seem stuck in a mindset that they can't do things. If you tell me something is unfeasable I'll tell you a dozen ways that it is actually doable. I'm an imaginative problem solver. Impractical? Yeah, sometimes, but it often takes that kind boldness to make progress. But on the other hand, in the present day I find myself feeling a lack of courage to break free of certain constraints. Maybe it's more obligation than a lack of courage. There are a lot more people who are affected by my choices and actions now than when I was a child. 

Maybe these thoughts and revelations are meant to bring love to my inner child and appreciate what she did that was really actually very courageous and bold. I've mostly looked at the failures and disappointments but now I see that damn, I was kind of a badass little girl. Sure, I didn't have the fierce competitive nature to succeed in competitive skating, but I should probably be more proud of the way I pushed boundaries and took risks to find that out. Maybe I should be more inspired by her determination to try and not be so worried about failures and rejections. 

(To be fair, it's not been all rainbows and butterflies when I've taken this audacity to its limits. I've done regrettable things - regret that my actions hurt others but can't regret the experiences even the painful ones - while chasing some ideas. Those are stories for another time.) 

          

Mind Fuckery

I'm not sure that word is allowed here but I don't care really. 

It's just a yucky Monday and I feel stupid. Not the fuck-around-and-find-out kind of stupid (might be more fun) but the everything-I-think-is-fucked-up kind of stupid. 

The other night I was taking a bath and I noticed my phone's little red camera light was on even though I wasn't using the camera. I didn't have any apps open. Did someone hack my phone camera? Is that really actually possible? Lord help them if they did because they surely got traumatized by what they might have seen. Aging isn't kind to bodies. I'm trying not to think about it too much but the thoughts of people laughing and making fun of this random old lady in the most private moments make me sad and embarrassed. Embarrassment is actually fairly rare for me anymore. I've lived long enough to be mostly unbothered by other people's opinions, but I'm not sure we ever outgrow the hurt of being purposely actively bullied. It was probably nothing anyway. (Ignorance is bliss.)

There are ideas about the universe that fuck me up too. Like quantum entanglement. Meh. What's the point of that? I mean, if we want to be entangled then just fucking tangle in the real tangible world. Mind fucks are okay for a while but the time we have in the actual physical existence is really short so stop it with the mind fucks and get on with the actual fucks before it's too late. Yeah, I'm saying fuck around and find out. Maybe that's the real meaning of life lol. (Actually, it probably is the real meaning of life. We don't learn anything or get anywhere without action.)

Yeah lord, I'm in some kind of weird mood. Haven't been to church in three weeks. (Been out of town.) But I'm sorry to say that not even church has succeeded in stopping the mind fuckery.  I have no mental discipline.  Plus I think I'm just tired of all the work of trying to stop the mind fuckery. 

That's just a small bit of the mental orgy of nonsense that's fucking up my mind today. 

Now I'm lookin' at a flashback Sunday
Zoom lens feelings just won't disappear
Close-up darkroom sweet-talk in my ear
Her hot-spot love for me is strong
This freeze-frame moment can't be wrong   -  Freeze Frame by The J. Geils Band    

Karmic Passes

For a while I've been wondering what the Universe's decision was on granting the karmic passes I'd requested earlier this year. It seemed like there was no progress, but then I realized that this whole year has been my trial and assessment. Of course, the Universe wouldn't just hand over something so valuable without any kind of evaluation and payment. I was naive to think that all I had to do was ask. I did not expect to be put through a gauntlet of painful lessons and tests. Silly ridiculous me.

My needs seem a bit different now, after the serious ordeals of this year. I've learned a few things about myself and my life and my shadow and light. But deep down my feelings and desires are the same as they were. I've just learned a little better how to live with them. I learned that the person I was most afraid of hurting wasn't really the one I needed to worry about. And I feel like I got a kind of dress rehearsal for a possible future. I saw how self sacrifice would look and now I think I could handle the real situation much better and different. I saw that even if I am very happy I cannot impose happiness in others. They might or might not receive my happiness in a positive way just because they have their own perspectives and feelings. Maybe I'd hoped a karmic pass would allow me to move without consequences or complications, but now I've learned it was more about hoping for a freedom from judgment. 

I was considering the idea that the karmic passes were already used when the path I thought was opening ended up getting diverted. Again, I was naive to think that I would be able to manifest exactly what I wanted without repercussions or detours. Karmic passes don't prevent consequences, complications, or judgments, but they give us access to new pathways. Like a passkey. Maybe, I'm not sure, but I think I might have finally received my karmic pass. I could be wrong, again. It didn't come with any pomp and circumstance or other special announcement. And now that I think I might have it I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't have the courage yet to try to use it.     

Got a Story, Ain't Got No Moral

I've got a song, I ain't got no melody
I'ma gonna sing it to my friends
I've got a song, I ain't got no melody
I'ma gonna sing it to my friends

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

I've got a story, ain't got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while
I've got a story, ain't got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

I've got a dance, I ain't got no steps, no
I'm gonna let the music move me around
I've got a dance, I ain't got no steps
I'ma gonna let the music move me around

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

Well
Well
Well
Well

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

I've got a song, I ain't got no melody
I'ma gonna sing it to my friends
I've got a song, I ain't got no melody
I'ma gonna sing it to my friends

Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Go 'round in circles?

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Will it go 'round in circles?
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?
Ooh

Billy Preston, Will It Go Round in Circles

Well, well, well. I've got a story, and it ain't got no moral. Gotta let the bad guy win every once in a while. And no, I'm not the bad guy this time. I have a very strong intuition about something and a little bit of evidence, and honestly, I'm not really too upset about it... yet. Not sure I will be. I've got a dance, ain't got no steps, gonna let the music move me around.

Maybe I'll fly up high and circle around like a bird looking to see things from a different perspective. Not sure if I'll sing this song to my friends. Maybe at some point after I've observed and pondered things some more. Could just be my overactive imagination. 

What do you call it when a betrayal feels like freedom? 

Reverie

(Stupid AI picture, like is it that hard to put the bell tower on center of the peak?)

As I was watching last night's full moon rise and a passing thunderstorm the old disco song "Knock On Wood" by Amii Stewart came to mind:

I don't want to lose you
This good thing, that I got
'Cause if I do, I will surely
Surely lose a lot

'Cause your love, is better
Than any love I know
It's like thunder, lightning
The way you love me is frightening
Oh you better knock, knock

On wood, baby

Early funky techno. I like it. Grew up with it. 

I was feeling all reverent and holy and enjoying the beauty and power of nature, but as always my soul strayed to the sensations and desires that are ever-present but often shut away in their own little treasure box. Those things that we want but aren't supposed to want. So then the Hozier song "Take Me to Church" came to mind: 

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life

Sometimes I feel like I am the High Priestess of an emptiness, with no deities to share my reverence. And sometimes I feel like a Goddess with no priest or priestess to recognize me. I commune with Nature frequently but it can be lonely to not have someone who wants to share that. The Devil didn't want me so I've started going to God's house, looking for company and salvation and divinity. I haven't hated it. But I'm not a good Christian and I'm wondering when the other church-goers will figure that out. I know God and I know He wants us to be happy. Even when our earthly Heaven is lonely.

Good God, let me give you my life.