Karmic Passes

For a while I've been wondering what the Universe's decision was on granting the karmic passes I'd requested earlier this year. It seemed like there was no progress, but then I realized that this whole year has been my trial and assessment. Of course, the Universe wouldn't just hand over something so valuable without any kind of evaluation and payment. I was naive to think that all I had to do was ask. I did not expect to be put through a gauntlet of painful lessons and tests. Silly ridiculous me.

My needs seem a bit different now, after the serious ordeals of this year. I've learned a few things about myself and my life and my shadow and light. But deep down my feelings and desires are the same as they were. I've just learned a little better how to live with them. I learned that the person I was most afraid of hurting wasn't really the one I needed to worry about. And I feel like I got a kind of dress rehearsal for a possible future. I saw how self sacrifice would look and now I think I could handle the real situation much better and different. I saw that even if I am very happy I cannot impose happiness in others. They might or might not receive my happiness in a positive way just because they have their own perspectives and feelings. Maybe I'd hoped a karmic pass would allow me to move without consequences or complications, but now I've learned it was more about hoping for a freedom from judgment. 

I was considering the idea that the karmic passes were already used when the path I thought was opening ended up getting diverted. Again, I was naive to think that I would be able to manifest exactly what I wanted without repercussions or detours. Karmic passes don't prevent consequences, complications, or judgments, but they give us access to new pathways. Like a passkey. Maybe, I'm not sure, but I think I might have finally received my karmic pass. I could be wrong, again. It didn't come with any pomp and circumstance or other special announcement. And now that I think I might have it I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't have the courage yet to try to use it.