In My Bubble

 

Today my TikTok "FYP" gave me a couple more words/concepts that I've been trying to think of for a while. Rumination. Meaning overthinking with negative imaginings and beating oneself up with all the ideas, feelings, and thoughts that we've decided are inappropriate, inaccurate, and make us feel stupid, unworthy, and all the other bad stuff we think about ourselves when we allow our minds to decide that all the good things have not been real. I have a tendency to ruminate, but there is a way to try to alleviate it. Embodiment. I've been doing this without really knowing there was a word for it. Whenever I'm feeling down about myself and all the things that my imagination creates seem to be complete misunderstandings of reality, I go to my little "secret" meditation room and start stretching and breathing (my version of yoga) to shift from my thinking mind to my feeling body. I focus on releasing tension from my joints and muscles and feeling the breath in and out. It really does help. It adjusts my thinking from harsh judgmental self-loathing to a more amused acceptance of my foolishness. I laugh at myself. 

I recognize that emotional, intimate loneliness is a root of so much of my dissatisfaction. That is the hard truth. I didn't even know how to define that until I glimpsed an alternate universe and felt some kind of hope. It wasn't really for me but just something I unintentionally intercepted. But I don't want to start ruminating about it again. So I'll just stay in my bubble and try to breath through the fire and weather the storms of emotion. Ultimately I cannot rely on anyone else for my happiness.      

Merry Christmas Eve

I have to say I fucking love this menopause thing. All you gals that are bitching and moaning about it are just not doing it right. LOL I'm a little tipsy but as they say alcohol loosens lips and hips and all the other things so let's just go with it. Whatever this hot flashing fire is that is fueling my life is making everything that much more. Rage, lust, and everything in between. Earlier today I was raging with the most intense anger at Fedex over a lost shipment. I cursed them to death by fire for stealing my package. Hey, fuck around and find out as they say. I've lost the inhibition to only be demure and mindful. Happy Holidays. 

I managed to transmute my fiery rage to a more pleasant feeling. Even if it is only for me and nobody else is around to witness this feat of magical prowess it is what it is. I'm in my full power to harness the heat and burning whatever it is. God I think I am drunk, drunk with power and fire and damn if you think you can handle it then come on show me what you've got.

I am alive. It isn't always easy but I think I'll take this fire fueled life over being dead even with the mood swings and moments of desperate foolishness. I am a fool. Not the old wise woman that I had intended. Swept away in my fantastic imagination. Make it real. 

Yes, I am ridiculous. Gloriously ridiculous in my heat fueled delirium. Menopause is the best. It's puberty with the experience and wisdom of a life well lived and the hopes for the love and passion that make life worth living. 

  

 

Festivus 2024, Airing of Grievances

People are so stupid. It's like they've never actually looked up at the night sky. It's like our education system has completely failed at teaching people the things they actually need to know about the world, the natural world. Like how to tell the difference between stars and planets and airplanes, satellites. And how to use easily available tools to discover what things are before jumping to outlandish conclusions. People, before posting a blurry zoomed in picture of Venus and calling it a "plasmoid" get yourself a night sky app so you won't look like a complete idiot. Get yourself a flight id app and use it before posting every airplane in the sky and claiming it's a UAP. I'm so over all this hoopla about drones and orbs and crap. If the aliens are here I'll have to meet one face to face (or face to whatever they present). 

I feel like we're in that part of the movie Carrie where we're waiting for that blood bucket to drop. We all know it's there, put in place by the assholes, why do some people have to be so mean? 

I woke up with the holiday blues and beating myself up for feeling disappointed in people. No expectations. That is the key to not being disappointed. I know that, but sometimes I forget and make wishes. So I'm aggrieved with myself. That's nothing new. For all the good and happy things of this year I've also had to fight off equally harsh thoughts and feelings and darkness. Equal and opposite is the rule that we can't escape forever. I'm a little tired of that battle of sitting with the darkness and trying to convince it not to dim all the lights. I've sat in that dark place before and let my eyes adjust enough to see that there isn't really anything there that can hurt me other than my own imaginings. But I like the lights and the hopes and the energy that the darkness cannot provide. I'm like a zombie, brought back to life and left to wander in search of whatever it is zombies need. Or maybe I'm some kind of vampire with an eternal longing to live in the light that burns. (none of that sparkly Twilight shit though I'd much rather sparkle like glitter than look like the Baba Yaga I've become) 

Well, so much for all the self-pity and lamentations. I guess I'll have to think of some big feat of strength for the rest of the Festivus observance. Might be that just getting my balance back will take all the strength I can muster today.    

Solar Maximum: Big, Big Energy and Sensory Reset

This year has been so eventful and impactful. I know a lot of people are devastated by the big, unusual recent natural disasters, and I feel terrible for them. I hope that their suffering will ease soon. It's been hard to express my happiness and gratitude without worrying about sounding insensitive to everything that has been lost. However, I do feel compelled to express my appreciation and amazement about all the ways this year has given me new energy and perspectives.

We shouldn't be surprised that the sun's output of extra energy during this period of solar maximum would have multiple layers of effects on us here on Earth. In our human hubris we tend to forget that the sun is the biggest influence on our planet. Sure, we do have some power to cause changes and damage and destruction but that big flaming star that we call the Sun can really put us in our place with its powerful magnifying energy. It amplifies everything with that big energy. The weather events of this year have surely been intensified by the increased solar energy. Maybe humans have also manipulated that equation but that's a topic for another time. 

The way it feels to me is that we are being washed over with a cleansing reset. Sometimes it's necessary for things to get a deep cleaning and sometimes that can be uncomfortable or even painful. Stripping away the old and stagnant stuff creates a fresh new foundation for a sensory reset where we can see things with new perspectives and allow ourselves to shed old tired feelings and ideas and situations. 

One of the biggest resets for me this year has been getting some much needed maintenance and rejuvenation done on my house. I wanted my home to better reflect the love and appreciation that dwells here. This house is almost 24 years old and things were beginning to need attention and looking a little rough. In preparing for this work to be done I've had to do a lot of decluttering and disposing of stuff that no longer needed to take up my space. The house is looking so much better and I almost feel like I've got a new house. I look at these reclaimed spaces and feel so happy and satisfied. I feel very energized. 

I've been taking much better care of my health too and have lost about 40 pounds over the last year and a half or so. That certainly has increased my energy level and improved my mood. I'm still fat but I do feel better. That's just another of so many ways I feel like my senses have been reset. I previously wrote about feeling things that I'd basically given up on ever feeling again. There is a deep wish that these things don't disappear again anytime soon. 

At a holiday gathering with my best friends last night they all remarked about how different I seem now. The weight loss is part of it but they said I just had a glow about me that was new. I joked that it must be menopause and the hormonal stuff that sometimes feels like puberty again and that the hot flashes actually make me feel more alive. Well, they knew that there was more to that than I was saying out loud because they've known me long enough and I guess I don't have a very good poker face. Without giving all the details I had to tell them that indeed some kind of spark has essentially brought me back to life this year. I confessed to them that I had basically been dead for a very long time - more than ten years, probably closer to a dozen. By dead I mean the libido/life force was dead. I had convinced myself that I did not miss it and that it was not something that I'd ever feel again and I was mostly okay about it. The universe had different plans for me. I explained to them that I'm trying to transmute these feelings into a happy appreciation for the feelings themselves and a deep gratitude for their source. I'm so very happy to not be dead anymore. I'm trying not to worry too much about the possible fleeting nature of it all and I'm trying not to create expectations about how everything unfolds. I'm all too aware of boundaries and consequences and all those other barriers to full expression of this resurrection. Using this energy to improve the life I have is my focus but I can't dismiss the attachment and affection I have for the source of this spark. I also consider that it might be entirely made up by my imagination, but even if that is the case the feelings and visceral responses are completely real. The quality of my life is so vastly improved that it's easy to spread that joy regardless. I am happy.

So this year's big energy has truly reset my senses and has even given me new life. It's been a year full of rarities: giant snowstorm, total solar eclipse, Southern Auroras, a fantastic comet, and whatever else this is that has brought me back to life. I will hope it continues but I also want to be able to withstand any contraction of the rare aspects. It's natural to want to cherish what is very rare. My prayer for this next year is that I can continue to thrive in this renewed life while sharing my happiness with all those I love.        

   

A Rant

I haven't had a good rant in a long time so bear with me because this might get long. Unfortunately those who really need to hear it won't but that's not going to stop me.

Just stop it with your stupid "with her" and cat lady memes. This election isn't about whatever mean jokes that some guys might make. It's not about supporting someone just because their genitalia is the same as yours. Stop believing all the hateful garbage propaganda that the other guy and all of his supporters (at least half of the country) are a "threat to democracy." You know what's a real threat to democracy? Picking a senile old guy who's just a meat puppet to be the leader of the free would and him picking a completely unqualified running mate just because she checks off a bunch of diversity boxes. Then cheating the election by stuffing ballots with dead people along with other methods. Old meat puppet and useless vice president then basically destroy the country and pretty much try to start WWW3. Massive inflation and true citizens being slaves to this illegitimate government while illegal invaders get all kinds of benefits and money. Massive amounts of money being sent to Ukraine to be laundered by those people who've been "running the country" for the last several decades because they have been invested in Ukrainian interests for a long time. Then when old meat puppet's senility is finally totally undeniable anymore and has lost most support even from previous supporters they force him out of the race. Just because he's losing. Even though he supposedly was the democratically chosen candidate. A behind-the-scenes coup. Then the very unpopular vice is installed as the candidate and the media goes into full love mode even though nobody liked her before. Oh, and let's throw in there that the "bad guy" on our side is nearly assassinated in an obvious inside job by malicious negligence.

Nov. 10, 2024 The previous paragraph was written in July 2024. Much has happened since then. Democracy - as defined by our Constitution - prevailed and the election showed that a true majority of Americans are on the same page about most issues that really affect our lives and security. Of course we are all called racist, sexist, and lots of other -ists just because we rejected the coup-installed unqualified DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion) candidate. We the People are fed up with being told we are worthless garbage. We are not the threat to democracy. We are not the ones trashing all things sacred and valuable. We are not the ones brainwashed by media propaganda that encourages people to disrespect, insult, distrust, hate, and shun anyone who does not follow their cult. They project all their worst ideas, thoughts, and feelings onto us. 

I have endured my own sister publicly posting hateful, insulting words about people like me and pretty much my whole family- immediate and extended, and most of my friends too. She thinks she's being righteous because she's convinced that we are against her and her gay son and I'm not even sure what else. We have NEVER been against them. We have only ever treated them with love and generosity and acceptance. I'm not sure why she so easily believes such horrible things about people who have always been kind and loving. She has accused me of not loving them purely based on the twisted propaganda that tells her that we are actually monsters for supporting a candidate that has a proven record of helping the country thrive while being actually inclusive. Does she realize that by verbally abusing *my* children and friends, calling them hateful bigots unworthy of respect, she's actually the one behaving like a monster? She's so consumed by a deranged hatred that she's doing to us what she thinks we want to do to them. How much disrespect am I supposed to endure? How am I supposed to react when she's hating on all the people I love? What do I tell my children who come to me and ask if their aunt actually hates them? She's my sister and I love her, but how much abuse and disrespect am I supposed to take? A part of me is just about ready to cut ties and just leave her to wallow in her misery. She's pretty much throwing all of us into the trash so what else can I do? I've talked and explained and defended in all the ways I know how. She just refuses to listen and consider that we are not all the terrible things that she's been told by a bunch of strangers on TV who are motivated by money, power, and influence and not by true caring and compassion for anyone. Those people do not actually care about her, her child, her life, her job, her anything. Why does she (and so many other people) allow them to have so much control over her thoughts and relationships? But we're the garbage monsters, yeah, right.  

And just a note about "reproductive rights." Most of us don't really care what other people are doing as long as we aren't forced to support or pay for things that are none of our business. In the most fundamental sense I do believe that abortion is ending a real life, but I am also able to see things in a more nuanced way and realize that sometimes people have to make hard choices. None of us are perfect. I don't think it's wrong for the states to have more say than the federal government in how this issue is handled. The pro-abortion people have had decades to pass an actual law that protects that "right" instead of relying on court rulings. But they don't really care that much about actually solving issues because they make so much money and get more power from keeping things contentious. In my ideal world abortion would be the obsolete barbaric thing that people did before they knew better and had so many options for preventing its need. I would like to see more inclusion of father's rights. Sure, the baby is inside the woman's body but it is also 50% genetically the father's. How are we not including this fact in the whole discussion? Why are we surprised that segments of the male population are "dead beat dads" when we have basically forced them out of the equation? It's a much bigger issue than the simplistic view that has prevailed. Ultimately I am libertarian and don't want to interfere with other people's lives but when push comes to shove I am going to tell them what I believe is bad and wrong. So if you don't want to hear it then don't start pushing me around.

The whole gender confusion epidemic is another largely media-driven construct meant to divide people. Gender dysphoria is a real mental issue, but we've moved away from treating the illness to indulging delusions in the name of "compassion." But how compassionate is it really to encourage people to drastically and sometimes irreversibly alter themselves to fit a delusional view of themselves? I don't particularly care if a man wants to dress as a woman or vice versa, but if you have a penis you are a man and need to use the men's restroom. If you were born with testicles then you are a boy and should compete in boys' sports. If you have XY chromosomes then you are a male and have all the male physical advantages in muscle, metabolism, and strength and should not be using those advantages in girls' sports. Putting on a bra, or even getting breast implants does not make a female. Not even cutting off your dick and balls will make you a female. Now, if someone decides they are "non-binary" whatever the hell that means then fine, go do you, but don't get your panties in a wad if I don't play along. Pronouns are grammar - not identity. If you're getting upset by something as innocuous as pronouns then it looks like a mental problem to me. I mean, I've gotten mail addressed to "Mr. Rae McCurry" but I just laugh it off. I'm not devastated by being "misgendered." My hope for the future is that we will allow children to develop fully before we allow doctors and parents to alter their bodies to fit some temporary fantasy.

Lastly, let's just say that it feels like the tide is turning and that more people than not have awakened to the reality of how corrupt our media have become. How wrong they've been about so many things like election polls and standings and other basic facts that they want to manipulate. We have freedom of speech and freedom of the press but those rely on integrity and acceptance of differences. Labelling all ideas and statements that do not align with their agenda as "misinformation" is the ultimate misinformation. Are they free to lie? Are they free to condemn and vilify over half the country? Sure, I guess they can try to get away with slander and libel, but they are not free to suppress our ability to defend ourselves and to correct their lies and respond to their insults. And that is exactly what they are trying to do. They want to shut down all we say by characterizing it as hateful, incorrect, and even evil. They misrepresent our views and ideas. They LIE. There is collusion between the corrupt media and the corruption in the government. It is deeper than the elected officials. The vast bureaucracy and system of appointed agency positions that are largely unchanged by elections are very corrupt especially at the leadership levels. So many of the "three letter" agencies are so corrupt that they appear incompetent. It's more likely that they hide their true corruption behind that appearance of incompetence. The people are losing confidence and trust in these agencies along with the lost trust and confidence in the media. We the people are not the problem. We the people have spoken and I hope that this time we will do more to hold accountable all of those who have misled, lied, and belittled us. Whatever and whoever their "resistance" is we see them and we are watching and we are ready.          

What a Week, Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

I might be going supernova right now, like all this past week, I've been on absolute fire. Mostly good but sometimes a little embarrassing too. I think maybe these are menopausal hot flashes, but they're not entirely unpleasant except when they have interfered with my ability to fully perceive. Thinking back at moments I wish I had been less distracted by trying not to spontaneously combust. There are details I wish I had been able to commit to memory. The burning internal heat just consumed too much of my awareness so that I feel like I missed some important points. But some moments did embed into my mind like sparks - brilliant flashes of something that feels really nice.   

"Lovely is the feelin' now, fever, temperatures risin' now, power (oh power) is the force,"

Add that we got a big boost of vindication in the political realm. Maybe the solar maximum is helping raise that energy level as well. 

I'm trying to remain grounded amidst all these currents on multiple wavelengths, ebb and flow of a stimulated ocean along with a wildfire stirred by high winds. My senses are in the process of being reset to account for all this influx of new energy. I'm trying to find my thresholds of perception and boundaries of reality. Things have shifted and sometimes I feel little overwhelmed but in that ecstatic hyper-stimulated way. But then sometimes I swing the other direction towards despair at the thought that I've completely misread everything and nothing is as I've felt and thought. Ridiculous delights, dramas, and dilemmas all played out in my head and making me feel real feelings but to what consequence? Ultimately I keep reminding myself to appreciate feeling good whether it originates internally or is aroused by an external source.

Despite the occasional discomfort I am enjoying this big hot energy. It makes me feel so alive and energized. I hope it doesn't wane any time soon. 

"Keep on, with the force, don't stop, don't stop 'til you get enough" 

 

Once a Hoe, Always a Hoe (or Big Energy Year)

Life plays funny tricks on us sometimes. Aging is one of those. For years I had the toolshed closed up, thinking things were worn out, used up, and retired, but somehow this year everything changed. I've never been sure about where I was in that whole menopause thing due to not having a uterus since 2002. I assumed my ovaries were just limping along doing their thing as best they could but in the absence of periods I just didn't know. I could detect some kind of monthly cycle of changing energy levels, moods, etc., but oftentimes I just didn't pay much attention to that aspect of myself. Really, the toolshed was just rarely opened, just getting the required maintenance and not much else. And I was mostly fine about it. 

This year has disrupted everything. The toolshed door got blown open and all the tools seem to be just fine - not broken, not ruined, not in bad shape other than just needing a little extra grease. I think there are a lot of reasons for this big change. This year has brought a lot of really big, rare, and fantastic events. Even back in the winter it started with the huge blizzard and deep freeze that nearly paralyzed our area for two weeks. Then there was the total solar eclipse in April, and being able to go see its nearly 4 minute totality was a "bucket list" experience. In May we had a severe solar storm that brought the Northern Lights all the way down here in a spectacular display of the sun's power. Big energy! Only five months later we got another solar storm of nearly the same strength with more auroras visible to us here. Unfortunately, there was also the catastrophic flooding and other destruction from Hurricane Helene. It boggles the mind to see how much energy was released by the massive movement of all that water and earth and life. And for the last week or so we've been able to see one of the greatest comets of my lifetime. It's been stunning. The sun is in its "solar maximum" which is the most active part of its 11 year activity cycle. Big energy! Seems logical that all that extra energy from the sun would have effects on us too. And I do feel energized, refreshed, rejuvenated.

There is another aspect to this that I'm still trying to figure out. It might just be my imagination. I have to tell myself that it's really okay if it is only my imagination because the way it makes me feel is real. What harm is there in being happy and feeling good just from the thought of something? (Wanting to keep the toolshed open and useful again.)  I feel like a freakin' teenager sometimes, full of raging hormonal drive - let me rock you like a hurricane - sorry that was in poor taste but it might illustrate the amount of energy I feel sometimes. Big energy! If it is a fantasy that enhances my life then let me have it. If it is more than fantasy then let me have that too lol. Once a hoe, always a hoe. 

I'm constantly analyzing and questioning what's happening. Maybe it's just the last gasping push of stuff before the final exhaustion. Maybe my little old ovaries are in the midst of their final blow-out like a dying star going into supernova. Big energy! I don't know and I'm trying not to worry too much about the ultimate ending of whatever it is. I have to enjoy the present, appreciate the good feelings while they are here, and try not to judge myself harshly for wanting keep riding this wave of big energy as long as possible.       

     

Rule of Three

I'm not really a witch. I like the aesthetic, and I do have my shamanic kinds of beliefs and practices, though I'm not consistent with much of anything, probably due to most likely having undiagnosed ADHD. People who identify as witches have a different view and set of practices, well, there are very many varieties of witches apparently. My knowledge of these things predate TikTok and other social media. It comes from reading books. Actual paper books. What we see on TikTok especially is a lot of mumbo-jumbo and posturing and gate-keeping and other nonsense where there is constant bickering and drama between different factions of self-described witches. The European witches think that American witches are fake, and the American witches scramble to prove themselves. There are constant threats of hexes and banishments and all kinds of other baneful acts. It just makes me think that these silly women acting this way would have given people long ago plenty of reason for witch hunts and all that shit. Now I know that many innocent women were murdered, ostracized, persecuted, etc. due to false accusations of witchcraft. It is and continues to be a powerful accusation in some parts of society. But I find it really disappointing that some people behave in such an immature way while claiming to have this great power and wisdom.

Many of these witches have disavowed one of the basic tenets of modern practice. The Rule of Three. Basically, it means that whatever you put out in the world will return to you threefold. Maybe it's a "new" rule that doesn't really come from the ancient practices. I don't know. I think it is similar to Karma. It's so irresponsible to throw out a bunch of negative energy or whatever towards others in order to "punish" or even just because you don't like them. Here is where my Christianity steps in and where I believe that forgiveness is a much more powerful response to feeling hurt. Forgiving is hard. Forgiving does not necessarily give you at feeling of getting justice. But it stops the rebounding effects of so much negative energy being thrown back and forth without regard for unintended consequences or collateral damage. Forgiving isn't the same as absolving or erasing harmful actions. It is for our peace and well-being. It protects our energies instead of wasting them on revenge or punishment. The universe will provide its own punishment which will be much more effective.

I am not immune from feeling a desire to punish or avenge. We all have those emotions. I might be writing this to help myself work through some of those feelings. We just got back from a quick beach trip and I brought home a really terrible cold. Not covid but it's pretty bad. In my fevered brain I imagined that someone might have wished this upon me as some punishment for some imagined infraction. In the last month or so my overactive imagination might have thought some things that it shouldn't have, but as I see it my imagination is my own business and if I think something about someone and keep it totally in my own mind then it's between me and God, so to speak. Believe me, I tend to punish myself enough for these things and don't need it from anyone else. I don't know if my strong thoughts get through to other people. Maybe they do. I can't know if they don't tell me. But if my thoughts do somehow bother others then there are better ways of handing it than throwing out curses or hexes. This sounds really crazy, but it sounds a lot like the ADHD thoughts that I've heard other people talk about having. 

Anyway, this illness made my fever run over 102 and so all that heat and energy being generated by my body made me think about how much that energy might build if I sent it out with an intention of returning it to whoever wished me ill. (Yes, crazy fever-thoughts.) I mean I was really thinking about creating a fever-bomb. But I really wouldn't have done that. I just thought about how glad my imaginary enemy better be that I didn't do it. Sometimes fever thoughts and dreams can be entertaining after the fact. 

I'm no longer feverish and my mind is getting back to its normal crazy and not so much of that fever crazy. But I have been thinking a lot about this idea of energy as a weapon or defense against perceived threats. I don't really know how much of this stuff is complete bullshit, but I do know that sometimes we meet people to whom we feel some connection or attraction or even repulsion. Maybe it's all just one-sided imagination? But let's not diminish or disregard people as delusional just because they have very active imaginations that consider all the possibilities. 

I think the best use of our mental and emotional energies in response to feeling energetically threatened or violated is to build up a protective field or buffer. That will not exacerbate or amplify energies back to us. It might not be as short-term satisfying as sending hexes, curses, or fever-bombs, but in the long-term it will avoid so much negativity from overwhelming everyone. And it is closer to forgiveness.     

Midlife Equity

I'm really rusty on this writing thing but here goes.

It's been nearly 20 years since I started this blog. That feels strange. Twenty years has flashed by so fast. So much has happened. Kids have grown and flourished into their own adult lives. No grandchildren yet, but maybe in a few years. I've had heartbreaks and recoveries and times of feeling like I just didn't care about much anymore. But now at 56 I'm feeling that midlife urgency to get things done and taken care of while I'm still here and able. Not to be morbid but if I'm average I've only got another 20 or so years of life, and that 20 years will go ever faster than the last 20. Priorities are shifting. Focus is much less on the future. It is on right now. Time is even more precious than ever. No more wasting time waiting for things to get done or waiting for other people to get their shit together or whatever. 

I feel like I've built up a bit of life equity. I'm talking about the value accumulated over time based on the difference between liabilities spent vs. assets gained. I'm been the bookkeeper for our business for the last 26 years so I just think of things in those kinds of terms. I'm not talking about the current use of the term equity as some social concept to justify discrimination against high achievers because it's not "fair" that some people do better in life than others. That's just life, people. I always wished I could be a rock star or super model but I don't have the talent or physical beauty for required. Painful as that realization was, it was what I had to accept. Anyway, life is not "fair" and everyone just needs to do their own best without trying to bring others down to their level just to feel better about it. 

My own equity I'm talking about does have social aspect but it is much more personal and intertwined with my marriage/partnership. All the years that I didn't spend money on things like getting my nails done all the time, designer clothes, or whatever other shopping/spending habits that others choose has created a type of savings account with this equity. (No judgment on those who do spend their "capital" on that stuff - it just hasn't been a priority for me.) I know this might sound "transactional" to some. That's another current buzzword to criticize certain ways of thinking. Well, at its most fundamental level life is purely transactional - input/output and exchange are the process of life itself. The sun gives the energy it got from its creation to all the plants and organisms on earth that then use that energy to grow themselves and then we use them to grow ourselves and we all convert that energy into other products that other things use to grow themselves and on and on and on. It's a cycle of exchange. Long term partnerships naturally involved lots of sharing and exchanging. Certainly, there are some things like emotions that don't necessarily work best under a transactional structure. I might get into that later. Sorry, I tend to go off on these tangents. 

Back to relationship equity. Over the 33 years of my marriage I've accumulated a bit of savings where I wasn't spending everything all the time. Now I'm looking at things that need attention. As things age they need repairs and maintenance. A lot of people my age decide to spend their equity on fixing their bodies with plastic surgeries or other procedures to look younger or whatever. And again, no judgment on that, but it's not my concern. Well, yeah, sometimes I think about having some "work" done on myself for appearance's sake, but not too seriously because that just hasn't been a thing for me ever so why start now? There's a lot of life baggage (similar to equity but undesired accumulation) connected to physical appearance. Growing up I was never told I was attractive. My appearance just wasn't important except that I was never thin enough. I was either invisible or too big. This probably explains my lack of desire to maintain appearances over my life. What's to maintain if you never had it? Sorry, another tangent. 

So instead of spending my equity on myself I am beginning to spend it on some big home maintenance projects. As a homemaker (along with the bookkeeping as my "career") home is super important. The state of our homes is often a reflection of the conditions of other aspects of our lives. This isn't necessarily a direct correlation. Sometimes people with the most immaculate homes have the most fucked up lives and relationships. And sometimes the most modest and ordinary homes have the happiest families. Clutter and mess isn't always a sign of dysfunction. It's often a sign of people living full lives. My house is generally clean but it is a working home. We work here and from here and it's all functional and lived in. I do like some nice things but it's just not all for show. (Just like my personal appearance.) But over time things wear out and need work to repair and maintain them. This year I've had the exterior painted professionally for the first time since we built the house in 2001. The cedar siding had been cleaned and sealed a few times over the years but it was always DIY and not necessarily done that well. Cedar is beautiful when it's new and newly pressure washed to remove the natural tannin stains that turn it gray-to-black. But it never keeps that fresh-cut look. It wants to be black. So I said "paint it black." Well, it's not pure black, which I would have liked just fine. It's a very dark gray, kind of charcoal color - the darkest that Sherwin-Williams makes - Black Alder - I think is the name. It looks awesome. I love it. It was a big job and cost a pretty penny but I had that equity and used it. 

Another big job that has needed to be done for over a decade is having the wrought iron pool fence painted. We put in the pool and fence 16 years ago and it's all held up pretty well, but as iron will do it had some rust and other issues. Last year I had a couple of posts and a gate replaced and there are a few more posts that will need replaced next year. But for so many years I've had getting it painted on the to-do list. That never was a real DIY option. So I finally just made the call and found the absolute best people to get that done. I am so happy with it! It's almost like having a brand new fence. It wasn't cheap. Getting it painted the right way was almost as much as getting it originally installed. But with Bidenflation it was really probably about a third (or even a quarter maybe) of what it would cost to install new now.

Having these things taken care of have energized me. Spending that equity on my home and surroundings has made me feel like the state of our home better reflects the state of our lives. There are several other projects that need to be done in the next year or so. The equity isn't all used up yet but I don't want to deplete it completely. There's another big painting job that I want done professional this year, and then the other projects are more DIY friendly. Spending on home maintenance seems like a much better investment than plastic surgery or whatever because barring some major natural disaster or something like that, this house will be here a lot longer than I will. It is an asset for my children. My body is not meant to be a legacy. It has already done its creating.         

Clock's A-Ticking

 Well, I've gotten sucked into the TikTok world. It's funny how social media has evolved from the old chat rooms of the early Internet to these quick videos documenting everything from the deepest heartbreaks to the absolute stupidest antics to the most obscure fetishes and interests. But the trolls haven't changed or been vanquished. People don't change.

Ghosted

Ghosts in the machine 

Dead lovers and unsuitable soulmates

Broken code dangling in quantum mystery

Locked blockchain no password 

Crypto scripto got no matter

In the shadow energy

Bridges, Ferries, and Mortality

There are a lot of cliches and metaphors about bridges, but that's because they work. Humans have always built bridges to cross over waterways, ravines, and other gaps or obstacles to where we want to go. Where we live there are lots of rivers, creeks, and other waterways and so there are many bridges. But not enough really. There used to be ferries at various points along the rivers, and many roads are named for these ferries. But I am unaware of any ferries around here that still operate. The old ferries were not the same as the big commercial ferries currently in use in bigger cities and other countries. They were often not much more than rickety rafts, which is one reason why they disappeared - due to safety regulations and whatnot - along with the construction of new bridges. There was one ferry I got to experience before it was shut down when I was in my early 20s. It was slightly more modern than a raft and was a little scary to trust carrying a few cars and several people, but my mom and grandmother wanted to show me some places from their earlier years and the ferry was part of that journey. That ferry shut down after a large bridge was completed. 

There are several major bridges in this area, but it would be nice to have more, especially connecting our area with the area where the kids went to school. As it is, we had to drive a fair distance out of the way to either bridge crossing the river between us and the schools. The closest bridge we always called "crooked bridge" because of its asymmetrical construction (BH Photo #270433 in link above). I don't know why they built it that way. Maybe the angles affect its strength and stability. That bridge gets tons of heavy traffic from 18 wheelers and dump trucks due to the industrial and mining complexes on that road. To have so much school traffic (buses and cars) there too has been the cause of much worry and several bad wrecks over the years.

When we bought our farm there was a very old, janky - mostly wood with some metal supports - bridge that we had to cross over the large creek bordering the property. I was always afraid of it and it frequently flooded when there were heavy rains. There were other accesses to the property when the bridge was impassable but they were fairly long detours.  This bad bridge, however, was not enough to deter us from buying the farm because it is a beautiful piece of property and the price was good. We didn't know when we bought it that the State of TN had already planned to replace that bridge as part of a state-wide program to replace so many dangerous, inadequate rural bridges. Although the road through our farm is gravel it is a County road which means that it is the State's and County's responsibility to maintain. The old bridge was demolished and construction of the a new bridge happened pretty quickly after we bought the farm. Now there is a solid concrete bridge that is so much better. It is less susceptible to flooding, though one time the water did flow a little over the top of it. The biggest problem now is that the side of the road across the bridge from our farm is lower in elevation and floods anyway when there is too much rain. It's okay because we have the other ways to get there, and the floods aren't that frequent. But it does illustrate the important of good, solid bridges.

The metaphorical bridges we build can be just as important. Nearly all relationships require emotional bridges that we use to close the gaps between us. Usually these bridges are constructed of words and actions, but sometimes thoughts are enough for some connections. The variety of these personal bridges are as many as the variety of bridges that cross our geographical landscapes. And their reliability, durability, and convenience are all just as variable. Sometimes instead of a bridge, we just need the occasional ferry, when a long-term connection isn't needed or wanted. There can also be metaphysical bridges between people that are not really the same as the emotional bridges but they can share the same space. Emotional bridges are built in the landscape of real actions and words, but the metaphysical ones are built of thoughts and intentions, maybe even dreams. To those of us with just a grandmother's understanding about such things we can imagine that concepts like the Einstein-Rosen bridge could help explain such metaphysical bridges, though they are more like tunnels (wormholes) that are pretty much just inside out (or rather outside in) bridges. ;-) Real scientists, especially physicists, really hate when we conflate their theories with metaphysical ideas. Sorry, but not really, because creating new connections and testing them is necessary. Scientists can be just as guilty of NIMBY (not in my backyard) as any others who don't want to be connected to what they consider unclean, undesirable, or any other objectionable things. "Don't you even think about using my theory to explain your hoodoo nonsense," is like, "Don't you even think about building a bridge to connect my happy neighborhood to that messed-up neighborhood." There is almost always some resistance by somebody against constructing new bridges. 

Shamanism utilizes metaphysical bridges in its connections. Journeying to the Dreamtime requires all sorts of metaphysical infrastructure but bridges are one of the main things because in Dreamtime quests we like to be as efficient as possible in getting over, around, through the more difficult passages. But bridges present their own dangers too. Under bridges is a popular hiding place for things that might want to stop, hinder, rob, or hurt us. There are these energies and entities in the metaphysical space as in the normal reality. Also there can be heavy, sometimes dangerous traffic just as on our bridge on the way to school. 

Not that all Dreamtime travel is fraught with risk and fear. Sometimes it can feel really good to be there. Enjoying the Dreamtime too much is a downfall that shamans need to avoid because it can become the journeying there just for the sensations of it without any intention or purpose. Not that pure pleasure is a bad thing, but there is a time and place that is more appropriate for that than the Dreamtime which is mostly meant for learning and guiding. If we were meant to live in the Dreamtime we wouldn't require reality and the metaphysical would be enough. The reason we have physical bodies with sensations is so that we will try to be "grounded" to reality. Our physical bodies and senses are the bridges between our metaphysical lives and our normal real lives. If someone claims not to have any sort of metaphysical life he is either misunderstanding certain experiences or ignoring them altogether. We can build bridges but we can't force people to use them. A lot of people have deep phobias of bridges - fear of collapse, fear of the unknown, fear of ambush in a vulnerable place, etc. - so we can either help them overcome those fears or leave them on the other side.   

Despite not being a very social person, in the past I have been an important bridge between people who've made pretty lucrative connections because I've been the one who connected them. It's not that I am so important or well-connected myself, but that I have facilitated the connections of people who otherwise would have never met but who needed each other for mutual benefit. I could be a matchmaker though these connections were not of the romantic variety. Sometimes I am good at seeing how people need to be connected to each person's benefit and help that happen. This helping people to solve problems by being a bridge to information or other people is part of my goal with shamanism. If I can't solve it, let me show you who can. Maybe in this sense I have been more of a ferry than a bridge since there wasn't usually a permanent structure created.

Bridges are often part of the imagery of mortality. Another role shamans can fill is that of helping others through the process of death, helping others "cross over" the "rainbow bridge" or the River Styx in some mythologies. I might have somewhat filled this role when my mom was dying, though I feel I mostly failed at creating any smooth, soothing transition. I just don't really know for sure since I was much too overcome with my own feelings and concerns. It was a very rickety, unstable passage for me, though mom seemed at as much peace as one could expect (though throughout life she had a bridge phobia). I feel some regret that I did not have the strength to carry her all the way to the end. She seemed to understand when I told her that I didn't think I could handle being in the room when she died, but now I do wish I had stayed by her side as she took her last breath. What a shamanic failure! All these years later it's some feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out) that nags at my mind, telling me that I might have mourned better if I hadn't been such a coward in the face of her death. 

I had begun this blog post on March 22, 2021. It's still not fully formed but I'm going to go ahead and publish it.    

Midlife

 Thoughts of mortality are heavy on my mind as I approach my 54th birthday, the age at which my mom died 25 years ago. While I am not ill like she had been for years before her passing I still have these thoughts to process. I have intentionally lived a much different life than she did, hoping for a different outcome than hers, but I have not escaped the usual midlife problems and worries. Things hurt. Youthful abuses or misuses of my body have caught up with me. I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to quit all my different jobs and "retire" to some mythical life on a warm Florida beach. I'm not sure my generation will really get that whole retirement deal that our parents and grandparents had (though mom didn't get there either). I remember my mom talking about being tired of working and wishing she could quit and just live a less demanding life, but she ultimately she valued the money, esteem and sense of autonomy she gained from her job more than leisure time and relaxation. And actually, she ended up working on up until 5-6 weeks before her death. She didn't want too much unoccupied time filled with pain and anxiety. She was a Capricorn.

In many ways I do believe our thoughts shape our reality so I am mindful of not dwelling on these morbid thoughts, but I also know we can't ignore things hoping they will just go away. It's really hard sometimes to control these thoughts about how much time I've wasted over the years. I try not to berate myself for the missed opportunities and inappropriate pursuits that sometimes haunt me. So much time I spent in my own head in some alternate universe that never amounted to anything. In the grand scheme of the universe what kind of wasteful folly have I made of these short years of life on this beautiful planet? As far as we know our experience as conscious, creative beings is very rare in the universe, so it seems especially important to make the most of that. But maybe we really aren't all that special? It might be nice to meet an extraterrestrial who could give us some perspective on the grander universe. Wouldn't it be funny to meet one who was having his own kind of midlife crisis? 

I don't really want to sound so whiny. But gosh, my hips hurt and I'm tired and I'm just not sure I want to start up any new businesses and endeavors. I just want to get through the rest of this month and get past that birthday.    

eScienceCommons: Fruit flies use alcohol as a drug to kill parasites

Another older article of interest regarding insects and "natural medicine." 

eScienceCommons: Fruit flies use alcohol as a drug to kill parasites: By Carol Clark Fruit flies infected with a blood-borne parasite consume alcohol to self-medicate, a behavior that greatly increases t...

eScienceCommons: The monarch butterfly's medicine kit

An "old" article and video but very interesting anyway.

eScienceCommons: The monarch butterfly's medicine kit: The journal Ecology Letters just published findings by Emory biologists that monarch butterflies use medication to cure themselves and the...

Shamanic Shifts

As I talked about in the previous post I am revisiting my previous studies of shamanism, which is loosely defined as a way of living in which one examines and tests the connections of all things in nature. There are many different concentrations of the practice, some with healing priorities, some with teaching priorities, some with storytelling and tradition preservation priorities, some with fortune-telling and counseling priorities, and many others. One shaman can fulfill all of those functions or any combination of them. It isn't quite right to think of shamanism as specifically segmented as the medical profession with all of its specialties because shamans look at the whole as well as the parts and how all of it moves together harmoniously or not. A healer will need to teach and counsel and guide as part of the healing process. Sometimes storytelling and divination are vital aspects of the healing and guiding too. When I say fortune-telling/divination that means looking at signs, oracles, and all the "moving parts" of a situation and using all the mental tools (intuition, associations, common sense, basic "rules of nature" and so on) to predict the likely path of events. But surprises can also happen in that process.

In my previous studies and interests in shamanism I focused on the more occult, or mystical aspects of it - knowing the unseen and reading of signs and developing the intuitive sense - the fortune-telling aspects. Those are important things to study but I've learned that they are difficult to work with because it isn't always possible to get the feedback needed to know if the messages are mixed up or just plain wrong. And shamanism really depends upon the same kind of testing of ideas, treatments, etc. as scientific study. Shamans do not want to continue any action or course of treatment that is not working. Psychic knowledge is only useful if it is confirmed. I've heard a shaman use the term "direct revelation" to describe her approach, and that resonates with me. I found myself very frustrated by feeling like I was stumbling in the dark not knowing for sure if I was on the right path. That uncertainty was an important lesson in itself because the vast majority of our universe is darkness. Whether you call it dark matter, dark energy, the void or whatever name or concept for it, it is there and there is a lot of it. Our human existence is in the realm of light and it is really rather tiny in the grand spectrum. Trying to see into the dark can be fascinating, scary, frustrating, disappointing, overwhelming, addictive, thrilling, and so many big feelings. But focusing on the vast darkness can make one blind to the light and the subtleties it can illuminate.

My time with the dark and arcane sometimes led to some real mindfuckery, for lack of a better word. It's easy to fall into some delusional thinking when everything seems to have a deeper, hidden meaning, and when certain synchronicities, serendipities, and other ethereal entanglements seem substantial enough to be mutually experienced without actual solid confirmation. These mind games can be entertaining for a time, and sometimes they even cause real limbic, visceral responses. Those who practice phone, cyber, or whatever other "virtual" sex there might be know that just thoughts can be very physically arousing, and a good shared imagination can create fairly satisfying mutual experiences. I am willing to admit that I can't recreate that experience with just any random person. For me it has been rare to have a physical reaction without being in physical proximity but it has happened. Shamans have to learn how to deal with these energies because we view thoughts as things with their own energies and effects. We have to ask for confirmation so that we don't fall into delusions. Mindfucks aren't healing unless they are accompanied by supportive verbal communication. Always making others guess your real thoughts and feelings and making them second guess their own interpretations of interactions is a form of control, and sometimes even abuse when done maliciously. Usually, people are just trying to protect themselves from being hurt, but shamans are already hurt and learn to live with the pain that truth sometimes causes. But truth is ultimately less painful than delusion. Trying to manipulate people energetically (through thoughts but not "real" communication) is an illness that unethical shamans, or other ill people, might develop, but that kind of mindfuckery always backfires and needs to be corrected.       

Now that I've lived through a lot more stuff and have a little more understanding about how the world works I am less interested in solving mysterious puzzles and trying to guess what this sign or that message really means. Not so much looking for hidden messages anymore. What hides itself is not of much use to me. I've grown beyond that hide and seek game and now want to concentrate on real actions, real solutions, real healing. Knowledge is all good and fine but this short life on this planet is incomplete without real engagement with it. 

Shamans usually go through painful initiations. I've been through several. While we heal and learn we remain somewhat wounded because that keeps us sensitive, open and compassionate. Scar tissue is tough and somewhat numb, so there is a constant struggle to heal without becoming too armored by the physical and emotional scars of these initiations.

The popular stereotype of shamans and other types of spiritual "gurus" is that they are always wise and never make mistakes, but that is the fantasy. Most shamans wish to be always wise and knowing and right but if we are honest with ourselves and others we freely admit our mistakes and other downfalls. Sometimes we revisit former attachments. Maybe there is something new to learn or maybe it is just a mistake that we need reminded of its wrongness? Maybe time's passage has evolved misplaced magic into something else? Maybe we have to keep testing everything to make note of changing conditions and other variables? Always learning.

I've had to reread the shamanism tagged posts I've written a long time ago just to see if my recollections are accurate and to judge if my previous statements were completely stupid. For the most part they are all still fair and sometimes even better than I had remembered. I feel a bit more confident moving forward with my current thoughts and plans. My previous focus on animal symbolism and divination will continue to be part of my studies because there are lots of different ideas and traditions still to learn, but I am adding herbalism as a large part of the picture. As I mentioned my childhood experience of knowing that the plants would "talk" to me, I've come to the time and place where I am meant to learn much more about that. Shifting towards plant medicines is more "real" and measurable.

On our farm we have become licensed hemp growers. The State of Tennessee developed an "industrial hemp" program under which people can grow cannabis strains bred to have no THC (or very little) but high levels of CBD (non-intoxicating cannabinoid) that is therapeutic for pain, anxiety, and insomnia. Our first growing season and harvest were complicated and hampered by our daughter's wedding planning and building a new pole barn for that and future events and uses, but we did produce a small amount of a fairly good quality hemp flower. All hemp has to be independently tested to assure that the THC levels are low enough and that the CBD levels are high enough to be therapeutic. Cannabis is an extremely complex plant with many different cannabinoids and terpenes that we are only beginning to learn more about because of its suspect legal status and limited past research. State laws allowing CBD circumvent Federal law which still mostly views all cannabis as illegal though a bill was passed that created this loophole for the states and CBD. Anyway, it is only one part of the herbalism study I am undertaking. There are so many common plants that have medicinal compounds and properties. In addition to the traditional knowledge, we have a lot more scientific research that has confirmed (but sometimes contradict) these traditional uses.

And sure, another common stereotype of shamans is that they sit around drumming and using psychoactive plants to travel into the "dreamtime" or other dimensions, and that can be part of their practice and tools for their work. But so is being able to recommend other plant allies to assist with ailments and other problems at are solidly rooted in this immediate dimension. Our modern cultures and technologies have separated us from nature, and too often we have been told that we humans are not a good part of nature, that we are killing the planet even. This is not true! And shamanism, if it's truly honest, will work to remind humanity that it is absolutely a natural inhabitant of this world. Of course, our greater degree of conscience and self-determination come with greater responsibility for avoiding real abuse and complete destruction, but to say that humans are the worst part of the world is just not right. When beavers dam a waterway and cause habitat, breeding, and feeding destruction to other species those humanity-haters will say, "Oh, that's just what beavers do and all the other animals and plants will adapt. That is nature." Or when large herds of animals leave widespread damage in the wake of their seasonal migrations, that is the natural life. But when humans build our structures it's somehow unnatural or undesirable. Such nonsense is easily ingrained in people who do live their lives separated from nature. They only ever see concrete and other manmade surroundings and never see where their food is grown or where their garbage goes. They've only ever been given manmade pills (usually lab synthesized from plant compounds) to take for their illnesses, aches, or other ailments, never even aware that the actual whole plants might be even more effective because they are in the form that evolved along with us. We are part of nature, and we can care about it and use it responsibly without buying into all the nature-worship-people-hating religions that seek to destroy human development and evolution. I expect in my shamanic studies I will encounter a fair share of such misled souls, but I hope to be able to contribute the perspective of the naturalness of humans and how we have evolved within all of this nature and as such, we are deeply connected, symbiotic, and even necessary.  

Well, this certainly ended up a lot longer than I'd expected. I have to say it feels pretty good to be writing things out again. I'm still a little rusty and might not consistently have time to do this like in the past. But here it is.  

   

            

The March of Time: Where Have I Been and How Did I Get Back Here?

If for no other reason than to document for myself what has filled the last 10 years, I'm going to attempt to remember and write as much of the notable stuff as I can.

Looking back to see where I left off and what was happening then I have to admit that there are big gaps in my memory. Those are most likely due to life just being very mundane and my keeping focused on those immediate needs and responsibilities. Not to say that life was boring! It certainly was not, what parts I can remember anyway. 

During and for some time after the 2008-2010 period of overwhelming losses, illnesses, and other hardships, I think fell into a hole of insanity, or maybe it was more of a dark, thick cloud of mental and physical exhaustion. I made some mistakes in dealing with some things, and some of those regrets added to the length of recovery. Focusing on others and their needs and giving up my addictions helped pull me out of the funk but it also left parts of myself somewhat neglected (leftover voids). It's all a give-and-take, and ultimately giving wins out, whether by duty or by natural inclination. Those neglected aspects generally remain unchanged...  

The Band Life

Once my kids got into middle school and high school it seemed they needed me more in lots of ways, than when they were little. I became much more involved in their activities, especially marching band in high school. I was all-in as a "Band Mom" because I loved watching my kids perform and because the band program relied on parent volunteers to help it function. Their school had an awesome band program, and it really made all the difference for my oldest, especially, because he excelled and got to have many opportunities and experiences that otherwise wouldn't have been possible. It also took him off a potentially harmful path with some of the "wrong" people. The marching band program was led by a popular, effective director, and the program was loved and well-supported by many of us. In addition to the full ensemble of outdoor marching, my favorite activities were the indoor percussion programs. Man, the drumming and creativity were sometimes like a drug. I still have ideas and visions of potential shows though I don't exactly have the music writing and other technical skills to bring them to life. The 8 year capsule of time involved with music, performance, camaraderie, is a definite highlight of life and resulted in some very nice, lasting friendships. But like nearly all other awesome time periods it was not destined to last forever. The great band director moved on to continue his education and the programs quickly disintegrated into mediocrity and worse under different leadership. It was extremely frustrating to be in the middle of it and to have it somewhat sully the kids' memories of the band life. Heydays come and go. I guess kids have to learn that too. The band life for us ended in Spring 2018. 

The Farm

I had to look back at the official papers to remind myself of when exactly we bought the farm in Grainger County. It was Spring 2017, and it is a little surprising that so much time has passed. It was originally bought to be a kind of hunting retreat for the guys but it has evolved a lot since then. My oldest son rebuilt an old house on the property and lives there and seems to be very happy. Google maps streetview is so out of date in that area that it looks nothing like the current condition, but it's kind of cool to see a reminder of how much work has been done in 4 years. A very old decrepit house (built around 1900) that we called "The Spook House" had to be knocked down. I was a little sad about it but it was a hazard and liability and damaged beyond affordable repair. 

At some point we might build a house on the property but that plan keeps getting delayed for various reasons. I have mixed feelings about it. I sometimes really, really want to start refresh in a new place. Our current house is too big, too much to care for as I'm getting older and less energetic about those things. I used to do all kinds of "manly" home maintenance, but I'm tired of having to do it and it's really hard to find honest, reliable people to do it for me. My guys are too busy playing on the farm to help around here. Last year I was so over it that I basically presented an ultimatum - things have to change one way or another.  For several years I'd been saving most of the rental income I got from renting out my parents' old house. I thought seriously about kicking out the renters and going to live there myself. But that wouldn't have solved the no-help-with-maintenance problem. It just would have moved its location. Then I thought, okay, I'll sell that house and buy myself a condo where I won't have to deal with all the inside and outside maintenance. My sister has a really nice condo I could see myself living in something similar. So the ultimatum was basically that I'm selling the rental house and I'm either buying myself a condo or building something smaller/newer/less maintenance on the farm and you can come with me or not. No divorce. Just a different living arrangement, one that doesn't leave me feeling abandoned and somewhat helpless. If I was going to be left alone all the time then I wanted to at least be where I wasn't also constantly overwhelmed. Divorce has never really been a serious consideration, though I've inquired a few times if that was something that was wanted. It's too complicated and creates too much animosity to go down that path. 

Anyway, as is usual with ultimatums you end up having to eat your words if you don't have the courage to follow through with the most drastic action. The condo idea was scoffed and the promise of a new house on the farm was made. The rental house was put on the market and sold at full price within a week. Well, the closing of the deal took over a month due to the covid restrictions and complications. Approximately one year ago I was a quite wealthy woman, lots of cash in the bank, or at least a lot to me - nothing like a million or even half but enough that I felt secure and valuable, with some means to negotiate if it came to that. Now, I don't want it sound at all like I am, or feel, oppressed or controlled. I am where I am because I choose to be faithful to my duties and responsibilities, not because I've been suppressed into submission. There has been no abuse. There has been some neglect however, as I've tried to explain throughout. So for a short time despite the covid insanities of the world I felt hopeful about the future.

Then my daughter fell in love and decided to get married. That's all fine and good, and I'm happy she found her life partner. He's a good guy. She wanted a barn wedding, something that's very popular these days, and looking at venues she was discouraged because of the high costs to rent them. Because of covid most churches were refusing to allow weddings so all the other places were getting booked up. When we bought the farm part of the future vision for it was to create a venue for groups to have events, retreats, camps, and so on. As one might foresee how this story is going, my future house funds were diverted to build a new "pole barn" for my daughter's wedding and future weddings, events, etc. It was an investment, of course, into the future for everyone. Again, momma sacrifices everything for the family. No, I'm not really as bitter or upset as that sounds, but it would be dishonest to say that I haven't had my moments of feeling completely drained and done. And let me tell you, planning a wedding can turn the sweetest girls into Bridezillas and my daughter was one of the worst. I've never felt so unappreciated and... unliked. I never thought we had a difficult relationship but the last year has strained it and made me pretty sad sometimes. I've watched a documentary about the female animals that die for their children - they starve themselves guarding them until they hatch and sometimes the hatchlings eat her remains. Sometimes that's how I feel. Fortunately, my sons are much more expressive of their appreciation and affection for me, though I never ever say such comparative things to the kids because that is just not good for relationships.

Despite all of that it was an absolutely beautiful and serene wedding. We hosted over 120 people, mostly unmasked though we had many available if people wanted them or forgot theirs. Lots of hand sanitizers were available. Social distancing was up to the individuals but there were many hugs all around. We broke most of the "rules" but thankfully not a single person got covid from being there. 

And sorry, kids, if you ever read this, for putting certain things "out there" but in reality, pretty much nobody is going to read this anyway, and it's for my own documentation because I am really concerned with my own cognitive decline. I pray to God that I don't succumb to dementia. That has got to be the absolute worst way to go. Watching friends lose their parents to it is heartbreaking. Not that I think I'm going senile already but I have noticed some aging related changes. I am not a young woman anymore. Time marches on.

Current Conditions

So now I am finding myself with that same overwhelmed and somewhat alone feeling that was supposed to have been remedied by now with a new start in a new place. But now I don't even have the bargaining power of a rental house or money. I have nothing, but I also have everything, if that makes any sense. It's just that everything is still more than I can manage. On top of not having an "escape" we have the added complications of my daughter and son-in-law living here with us. It's not a bad thing usually, but sometimes I just want to scream "I want MY house back!" Covid has created a lot of problems in so many aspects of life for nearly everyone, and young married couples have a hard time finding affordable housing if they aren't already in a place on their own. Allowing them to live here is helping them save money to buy/build their own place, and this house is certainly big enough for them to have their own "wing" that can feel like their own place, except for sharing the kitchen and laundry. The arrangement was supposed to include them doing a lot of helping around here in place of paying rent, but that hasn't happened so much. Part of it is because I have lost my "viciousness" (whatever it was that gave me the energy to assert my authority, etc.) due to being metaphorically beaten down by disappointments and some mistreatment (Bridezilla stuff). Like a Pavlov dog, I am not immune to such conditioning. But also, they are young and just starting out in the world of full-time work and learning how to be married and all of that stuff which all can be rather overwhelming too. I try to have some empathy and compassion instead of feeling put-upon, used, and self-absorbed. But come on, how hard can it be for them to take out the goddamn garbage? 

My daughter has all these ideas about what her perfect house should look like, and I'm not that stringent in trying to have the "perfect" house because I've learned that time is valuable and one can spend all day washing dishes to keep the sink empty or one can wash dishes once per day and have time to do other things and so what if there are some dirty dishes in the sink for a short time? My priorities are not to have a kitchen that looks like it is never used. My house is a working house and working efficiently requires stuff to be out and accessible. She might learn eventually not to put so much value on a particular vision of life because those perfect visions really are not functional nor sustainable. Or maybe she will be one of those few people who can maintain that perfect image without completely alienating all the normal people who fail to meet unreasonable expectations? She is the one person who has done the most to make me feel completely inadequate and worthless (I am so sorry for the times I ever made my own mother feel that way- I'm certain it happened because I was a lot like my daughter when I was her age and I didn't even realize what an asshole I was). But the truth is she doesn't really clean as well as I do. Just putting stuff out of sight isn't cleaning. Leaving crumbs and spills on the stove is not clean, regardless of how many dishes you've washed. You see, I do actually have pretty high standards for my kitchen cleanliness which means doing more than just moving things around to make it look a certain way. These conflicts are amplified by having to share the kitchen, but I feel like she has no concept of "hierarchy" in that she acts like we are equals in this situation, but we are not. If they paid half of all the bills and did half of all the work of maintaining the household, then yeah, maybe they could be closer to "equal." But just being adults and married does not really give them the same status in this household as they would have in their own house. **I really do love my daughter and don't want it to seem otherwise. She is "vicious-momma-in-training" ;-) She might feel hurt to read these things but I have to be honest in how I feel. I am allowed to express my hurt and pain even if it makes others uncomfortable to know their part in it. Holding it in has not been healthy. ** 

Blog Therapy

I know this all sounds like a bunch of "woe is me" whining and complaining, and maybe I do sound a bit like Meghan Markle and Prince Harry moaning about how unfair and hard their lives are. Well, my life isn't really so bad, I know that, but it's also okay to exorcise some of the darker feelings by getting them out of my head and into words. Also, as mentioned above, I feel the need to document things for future reference. Now that my kids are all adults and relatively independent I do have more time to spend on my own things. I'm finding new interests, or more accurately, revisiting previous interests with new eyes and perspective. 

Blogging was an important part of my "previous" life, and I hope to include it more moving forward (I've said that before but now I do have more time), although it will most likely be much less "social" than before. An original fellow blogger from the beginning has even passed away (Mr. G rip). I certainly don't expect to recreate the past. But the days of Facebook are waning and Twitter is fun sometimes but rather shallow. I expect Instagram to remain important but it is primarily for images. 

What Comes Around

I am extending my learning about herbal healing and other shamanic or "witchy" subjects. These things have always been of interest to me, even as a young child. When I was about 5 I had a very vivid and never-fading message, not a vision exactly but a deep knowing, that "these plants will talk to you and tell you how to help/heal yourself and others." It sounds crazy, and maybe it is, but looking back on my 53 years I see how this message has endured and built upon itself and is kind of demanding the attention to fully express itself. I have always known that my ultimate goal in life was to be the Old Crone Witch Doctor, and here I am getting closer to that. 

Herbalism is a really big thing right now as more people are looking for alternatives to the overly processed and artificial stuff that seems to be less helpful than it has been sold to be. It's not a left-right political thing, though some people want to make it that way because they try to tie other overly processed and artificial ideas and movements like Global Warming to the desire to live a more "natural" life. Well, I want to avoid all the political garbage that people try to attach to otherwise nice ideas. 

It is not so controversial to believe that because we humans have evolved within and alongside all the rest of Nature there are going to be inherent relationships between our biologies and the biologies of the plants that we have consumed and evolved alongside. Some of this, I believe, can be intuitive when aided by actual knowledge. Long ago people relied on visual traits for clues about the possible uses of plants. This "doctrine of signatures" has largely been laughed off by modern scientists, but we are beginning to learn more about the actions of plant compounds that sometimes are consistent with that old idea. One personal example that surprised and delighted me was the sweet gum tree growing in my backyard. This tree produces these spiky balls that contain their seeds. And the leaves and balls when crushed have this citrusy, kind of medicinal scent. We are learning a lot about plant terpenes (aromatic compounds) and how they are responsible for medicinal actions through their chemical structure and interactions with our bodies. So with my little bit of knowledge about terpenes and also about the shapes of viruses, I intuited that maybe these sweet gum balls have some antiviral use. (They really are shaped just like viruses.) So being the good little investigator I did some research and discovered that yes, indeed, the sweet gum balls have significant amounts of the very same compound (shikimic acid) that is used to make the antiviral medication Tamiflu. Ha! Of course, this isn't a "real" scientific discovery on my part, but I've learned that life doesn't always fit neatly into a strict formula. Incidentally, I suspect that the sweet gum tincture I made that I've taken nearly every day of this pandemic has helped me avoid getting sick with covid, or any other viruses, along with the obligatory public masking, distancing, and the hand-washing I've always done. 

So I am learning to trust my intuitions a little more, but they must be tested too. The shamanic approach to life really depends on continuous observation and testing. It is not dogmatic. While there are truths of nature that we all live with there is so much more to our human experience than what we have been allowed (by some religions, and also by dogmatic science) to explore and develop. Shamanism and science have more in common than most scientists would like to admit, but let's be real here and acknowledge that there are lots of people who claim to be scientific but they are just as rigid and dogmatic as the worst types of religious people. Anyway, I don't want to debate the abuse of science any more than I want to debate political ideas that are inappropriately connected to nature. My concerns now are more in the direction of finding actual solutions to problems than in fighting about ideas. 

It looks like I've gotten to a fair stopping point for now. I'm not sure yet if by returning to some old places I am only a ghost of the past, haunting and stirring up some unrest. The empty and abandoned places tend to attract restless spirits.                 

      

Happiness Is a Warm Gun (Be Still and Know)

(I first wrote about 80% of this on 10-6-2018 but decided to revisit and finish it after the re-emergence of relevant concerns.) 


When I hold you in my arms (oh, yeah)
And I feel my finger on your trigger (oh, yeah)
I know nobody can do me no harm (oh, yeah)
Because, (happiness) is a warm gun, mama (bang bang shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is (bang bang shoot shoot)

~ John Lennon, Paul McCartney


This country does not have a "gun problem." It has a penis problem. We need to ask ourselves why so many men and boys have lost respect for themselves, girls, and life itself. While I am inherently skeptical about the validity of every claim of sexual harassment within the explosion we've seen in the last year or so, I recognize that there is something going on. Obviously, men like Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Epstein, and Andrew Cuomo are just a few of the horrible, nasty creeps who have been exploiting women and using their positions of power to get their jollies. But I suspect that plenty of the one-off accusations that the "me too" hashtag has incited could actually be explained as misunderstandings lacking any true malicious intent or just plain old bandwagoning. No, girls, a guy moving in for a kiss on the first date is not sexual assault. It moves into that dark territory when he won't take no for an answer. And it's not sexual harassment if a man notices and compliments a woman's appearance. We can't go around dressed for attention and then get angry when we get it. Men are confused. They see women who look like they want their bodies to be noticed and appreciated, but when they do notice they are scolded or worse. They want to flirt but if they do they risk being labelled as sexually aggressive. On the other hand, I have to wonder if there really is a growing number of men who just don't know how to behave. I tend to believe that yes, this is also an aspect of the problems we're having with sexual harassment and increased gun violence, especially in our young men, but I just don't know because what I see in my own life does not reflect any of that toxic masculinity that the media et al tell us is running rampant.  

The penis problem isn't just limited to the men. Apparently we women don't know much about them either. We don't seem to understand maleness at all. In this day of gender confusion we're moving into a dangerous mindset of emasculation - of believing that man-ness is bad, that maleness is inherently malevolent, that erasing masculinity will somehow erase all violence and sexual motivation. It's simply bullshit to try vilify the nature of one half of the human population. It's no wonder that boys prefer to immerse themselves into the virtual worlds of their hyper-realistic video games where they can interact with exaggerated, unrealistically idealized feminine characters without being rejected and labeled and where they can wield deadly weapons with no real consequences. We've forced their masculinity into the realms of fantasy and virtual reality. The penis envy of the early feminists has switched over to penis persecution. It's not that different from the way that men thousands of years ago took their envy of women's life-creating ability and switched it to be the source of all sin of the world. And now, the accused-and-therefore-guilty mindset of the anti-feminine witch hysteria days has swung into the accused-and-therefore-guilty mindset of the "me too" sexual assault hysteria where any man accused of sexual misconduct is automatically considered guilty and the only way he can prove his innocence is through a no-win "sink or swim" test (like the accused witches who were thrown into deep water and if they swam/floated they were guilty and executed but if they sank that proved their innocent but they are dead anyway). 

False accusations of sexual aggression/assault have become a weapon of the leftists who seem to hate white men more than any other group in the world. And it's not enough for the accusations to be recent and more easily investigated. They now are going back decades into a man's history to make accusations that even the accusers can't truly remember enough to be adequately supported. Not only are they looking back 35+ years but also back into the teenage years when people aren't even considered legal adults. They are abandoning all aspects of our justice system which was designed to protect the rights of the accused because, and this is the really important part, throughout human history FALSE ACCUSATIONS HAVE BEEN USED TO HURT OTHERS! Yes, I'm yelling that because people forget history and don't want to hear it. There's even a many thousands-of-years-old Commandment against "bearing false witness" against your neighbor. This is and has been a thing that humans have had to deal with from the very beginning of our existence. So, no, it is not rational, logical, ethical, or legal to "believe the women" above all else. I hate to say it but this whole thing makes a lot of women look too stupid to be equal. Equality does not expect special treatment and does not expect exceptions to the rules. This applies to all people regardless of whatever special identities they have given themselves.  

This insanity has to stop. It is not helping our society or species to move forward. There are many aspects to the solution that we must consider. Most of the big problems with our society at this time stem from the mindset of identity politics in which each group of people chooses some trait upon which to base their entire identity and value. For some it's skin color, for some it's their sexual preference, for some it's gender completely separated from biological sex, for some it's religion or political belief. They make that one part of themselves the most important and expect everyone to know how to treat them accordingly. There are a lot of assumptions being made and being expected, and that is ripe for all kinds of misunderstanding. Those of us who have for half a century lived by the idea of judging people not by their skin color (or some other random trait) but by their character (how they act) are now being told that is our "white privilege" to be "color blind" or whatever other blind. In truth, the actual color blindness originated from rejecting looking at everything from a black or whatever-colored lens. It was a black man who taught us to be color blind, so you'd think they would understand that. But this isn't really about race or skin color. We are talking about an even more basic division of human existence. The problem of identity politics is just one part of it.

It is a scary time for young men. But really, it's scary for all of us because the rift between common sense and emotion-driven reaction has become almost unbridgeable. The increasing use of mob protest, personal harassment/intimidation, and threats of violence against anyone who does not agree with the leftist malcontents is only increasing the possibility mass casualties. What can we do to address the problems our males seem to have with getting through life and navigating this messed-up society? Other than defeating the irrational forces that only want to punish males for being male, we must find ways to teach our boys (and girls) how to deal with the stresses of living in a world where conflict is the first response to everything. We need to try to get everyone to keep their fingers off of the metaphorical triggers.

Back when I was in middle school in the early 1980s everyone took hunters' safety classes in which we learned the proper handling of firearms and the rules for safe hunting and sport shooting. We all learned the biggest basics that 1) you never point a gun at a person, 2) you never store a gun loaded, 3) you should always assume a gun is loaded when you handle it (because some people don't follow rule #2). That isn't everything but they are the most basic rules. Nowadays people refuse to learn anything about guns and choose to pretend that ignorance is going to keep them safe. Even worse, they believe that it is possible to make enough laws to eliminate guns and/or gun violence. That will never work. Once people have a right it is immoral and actually impossible to take it away. Instead, we must be more proactive in educating and promoting safe and responsible gun ownership and handling. Instead of prohibitions, we could look at liability insurance much like with vehicles. Of course, people still drive without proper insurance but that is not an argument against insurance itself. This is just one idea.

We need to hold our entertainment industries more accountable for the influences they have on our children. The musicians glorifying violence and disrespect against women and law enforcement need to be held as accountable for their part of "me too" and other social unrest as much as the "young white men" who listen to it. The video game industry that creates hyper-realistic violent games needs to be held accountable for their influence on young people. Sure, free speech allows them to create whatever they want to create, but if we are going to start using decades ago high school antics for reasons to condemn people today, then it's only fair to look at current entertainment to blame for once and future violations of law. I'm not calling for any bans or censorship but for these industries to do a lot more to reinforce the differences between fantasy and reality and encourage/teach kids how to deal with the real world with technology instead of escaping it through technology. All of the Hollywood actors who bemoan the evils of gun violence and sexual aggression need to look at their own products and take responsibility for their own contributions to these problems. Free speech rights require just as much self-control and responsibility as gun rights do. Free speech does not mean that people can say anything without consequences. They love to tell that to conservatives who say "offensive" things but they sure don't want to apply that to themselves. They are the problem.

We need to return to the basic teachings of the original laws such as the Ten Commandments. Now, of course I'm not saying we have to force Christianity on everyone. Don't be stupid. I'm saying that these basic laws were established a very long time ago to address basic human problems. There is nothing particularly religious about laws against murder, stealing, and lying. It's just good interpersonal relations to avoid adultery and coveting of your neighbors' stuff. Those things often lead to the other, "bigger" crimes. The parts about honoring God and having a holy day can easily be thought of as the psychological need to have something to live for and to take time to rest and honor what we have. Whether it is some God or life itself, we humans function best when we hold something sacred and take time to appreciate it. In all of these thousands of years these laws have helped us establish a civilization. While no human endeavors have been free of conflict and problems having these basic rules have helped us advance as far was we have. You'd think that all those intellectuals who think they are so much smarter than the rest of us would actually recognize that this world and everything in it moves in accordance with a knowable set of natural laws. Is it really so hard to observe that emotional actions/reactions operate in the same ways as a ball being kicked or a gun being fired?

Beyond reinforcing the basic laws and the psychosocial issues they address, we need to look at new approaches to treating mental issues and increase mental health treatment options. As our society has technologically advanced it has lagged in its treatment of those who struggle with mental illness. The deinstitutionalization of the last half century has not well-served the needs of our communities. The reaction of closing all the mental hospitals because of the problems inside them only moved the problems. Now our communities are not equipped to handle the worst mental illness because there is nowhere for those who are just unable to function. Our prisons have become overcrowded with those whose mental illnesses have been untreated to the point of their becoming dangerous, but prison is not designed nor equipped for those whose minds don't grasp reality. And the other approach of normalizing mental illnesses, like gender dysphoria, is not going to end well either.

I am a full-fledged, real-life capitalist and believe the free market is truly the only fair and sustainable economy, but with all that freedom there is an equal need for responsibility. Ideally, industries would self-regulate and act fairly on their own but bad people, bad ideas, and bad actions will always exist in some portion. We need to hold the pharmaceutical industry more responsible for the drugs it pushes on kids and families and everyone else. The drug problems are no longer limited to illegal drugs. The opioid epidemic is directly related to the overprescribing of opioid painkillers. We must educate our physicians on alternative pain relief therapies. We must educate everyone that there is no magic pill that fixes everything. So much of the advertising on TV is pushing some pill or other that promises to cure all of our problems, but the reality is that most of these medications have fairly marginal efficacy and come at a huge cost. Our healthcare philosophy over the last half century has been focused on pharmaceutical treatments, but we have only become sicker and less healthy. We need to incorporate a more holistic approach to health and healing. This is not a woo-woo hoo-doo idea. Many regions of the world have developed quite advanced alternative health treatments that are just as, if not more, effective as Western pharmaceuticals. Of course, I'm not suggesting eliminating pharmaceuticals. Do not misunderstand what I'm saying.

We have these wonderful, complex brains that create emotions in response to experiences. Sometimes these emotions are the experience. We might not fully understand all the processes, physiology, blah, blah, blah, about emotions but that doesn't mean we can't figure out how to process and experience them without making ourselves and everyone else crazy or acting in harmful ways. We must teach self-responsibility instead of blaming everything on race, sex, etc., because as humans we all share certain commonalities regardless of those traits. We all have to eat, poop, sleep, and so on, and having emotions is one of those basic human things. It's not in our best interest to try to medicate away our emotions, and it's not adaptable to fight them so much either. We have to learn and teach our children how to identify, process, evaluate, and express emotions without becoming crippled or overwhelmed by them. Happiness is pretty easy, and we all like that one. Anger isn't so popular but it won't go away by ignoring it and it isn't well-served to be overly indulged either. Sadness is another hard one but sometimes it just wants to be felt for a short time and let go. Anger and sadness are closely related and sometimes confused. Anger needs recognition but careful expression. Go find a shooting range or some other safe place to fire a gun and see how powerful that release of energy can help with expelling anger. Happiness is a warm gun indeed.

This whole blathering post is basically about anger - misplaced anger against males and penises and the "patriarchy" that supposedly oppresses anyone who isn't a straight white male. But let's be real and honest. Anyone who's ever worked in an office full of women can tell you that a matriarchy is no less brutal, oppressive than a patriarchy. Desire to control, manipulate, exploit others is not testosterone dependent. I don't know where it comes from exactly, but I am certain that it is as prevalent in females as males or any of the other 37 or whatever number of genders they want to create. And I'm just saying be ready when the much maligned straight white males finally find their metaphorical happiness guns and start making a lot of noise. There is always backlash...

I'll wind this down here by offering some "spiritual" advice in addition to the warm gun therapy. Be still and know. What I mean by that is not "do nothing at all." I mean stop a moment to observe and evaluate all the moving parts (including emotions) and other conditions, consider how all of it might move in accordance with the basic laws of nature, and then know what action to take if any (and to find the most efficient path). This is also a somewhat zen-like advice. I might be perverting a lot of things here but it is what it is. If it causes anyone anger then that's their problem and not mine. I don't hate men, penises, women, vaginas, guns, emotions, laws of nature, fat people, or anything else (except cruelty/meanness). I might be just another ordinary complete fucking idiot but at least I have a warm gun. ;-)