Monday, March 31, 2025

Negotiations Part 3: Intense, Complicated Developments

The last 5 weeks have really wrecked me to the roots. First we got devastating news that was going to completely change the whole of reality. It was premature, but there was a long month of worrying and waiting to learn that truth. Along with the worrying and grieving what we thought was going to end, I allowed myself to consider other possible futures that could have been quite happy eventually. I wish I was not so prone to these imaginations and conjectures, but I think this sometimes helps me to get through the hardest times - creating some hope even if it's unrealistic and untenable. It inevitably leads to big disappointment - crash and burn. Of course I'm relieved that the worst news ended up being inaccurate, but do I have to beat myself up for being a little sad about the loss of the potential alternative future?

I had no idea that negotiating karmic passes would be so difficult, complex, and painful. I thought the point of the passes was to lessen those things, especially the pain. But the universe operates by its own rules and we really have to learn to go with it instead of trying so hard to steer and control. It isn't even control though. It's more of a need to be somewhat prepared. I'm questioning the actual benefit of the mindset of being prepared and thinking through the likely possibilities. I mean, when, really, has anything ever really gone the way of any of these speculations? I must be the worst ever at negotiations because I am too attached to certain outcomes and fall into disarray when those become unlikely or even impossible. How did I miss and misinterpret so many clues and details? Why do I jump to conclusions? Maybe it's confirmation bias where I just assume (should never assume but lacking actual detailed information makes it really hard not to) that I am interpreting things correctly. Such a disconnect from the heart to the brain. I am ridiculous.

I honestly do not know if these negotiations are over or just stalled or what. According to TikTok and Instagram I have "anxious attachment" in relationships. It fits the childhood and all the other experiences of feeling insecure and abandoned when I'm not getting enough attention or reassurance. The fear of being too much and wanting too much is part of that too. Over my life I've been rejected for having "unrealistic" expectations and needs. I know that expectations are problematic and I have sometimes been able to release the urge to form them. I want to learn how to accept things as they are and be okay not knowing. But is it too much as ask for some assurance? I think details and information are one of my love languages. I give a lot but also need a lot in return. Well, in this situation I feel restrained, like the universe or whoever I'm negotiating with is not really interested in my hearing all my details and information. I guess if that's the case then maybe there is no real reason to be negotiating at all. 

Perhaps right now is not the time to make any final decisions or proclamations. I am still reeling and staggering emotionally from all that's happened in these last 5 weeks. The word trauma is very overused these days but it seems accurate here. I am strong enough to endure and learn even while tender and bruised. Maybe these are some karmic payments for what has been proposed. I just don't know. The Serenity Prayer keeps coming to mind:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." (also the patience to get to that knowing)


"Finish What Ya Started" by Van Halen

"Come on baby, finish what ya started 

I'm incomplete, huh

That ain't no way to treat the broken-hearted

I need some sympathy

I like to look at the long run

I like to take each step, one by one

Right on time, you will arrive

By keepin' the dream alive

It's alive

And it's kickin'

Inside of me

So come on baby, please"      

Thursday, January 16, 2025

Negotiations Part 2, Delicate

Karmic passes are delicate matters. Approval is pending. Need discussion of disclaimers and other details - delicacy required. Points of clarification include the requirement of 100% confidentiality and the definition of karmic currency, which is knowledge of the happiness gained therein. The value of this karmic currency is variable based on demand, so use sparingly to keep it valuable.  


  

Thursday, January 09, 2025

Negotiations, Even Doves Have Pride

I'm don't like negotiations that much. I prefer accepting fair offers without too much back and forth. But some things require considering lots of different aspects, and the start value is very high on both sides. A strong way to start such negotiations is to open with a very large proposition which reflects the ultimate best outcome from our position. (This might be part of the art of the deal?) Oftentimes this first "ask" is somewhat unrealistic, though not impossible. Each side then has to make offers and counteroffers until they are both satisfied or decide they can't come to any agreement. It is important to get closure of whether or not the negotiation is really over. Unfortunately these days the concept of closure isn't appreciated or encouraged as much as it should be, but as social beings we must remember that things tend to go better when we actually interact and relate instead of just focusing only on oneself. I do agree with the idea that we are not responsible for other people's feelings, but I also believe that it leads to a lonely and frustrated world when we don't consider other people's feelings at all. There is so much focus now on the self that we might be slipping away from the true intention of being social animals. Sure, I can only control my own feelings and thoughts but I don't want to dismiss the needs and desires of people I care about. Life is all about negotiating these things.  

I've begun a complex negotiation to redeem a couple of karmic passes. I've put in my request to the universe and now I'm waiting. I especially don't like negotiating with the universe because it sometimes refuses to engage. The whole unanswered prayers are answers anyway deal.


"How can you just leave me standingAlone in a world that's so cold? (So cold)Maybe I'm just too demandingMaybe I'm just like my father, too boldMaybe you're just like my motherShe's never satisfied (she's never satisfied)" 

Prince, "When Doves Cry"


But sometimes the universe surprises us by giving us exactly what we've asked for or even something far beyond. Last year was so surprising in so many ways. I might feel like I am not allowed to ask for anything more after getting so much, but here it is. I am struggling a bit with staying in a place of restful gratitude. Maybe my lesson is patience and repose - quiet stillness (super hard for my ADHD-tism-like self). Meanwhile, the karmic passes are on the table. I guess the universe is evaluating my initial offer which might take a while, or it might decide to completely disregard it. Waiting is the hardest part. Even doves have pride.   

Sunday, January 05, 2025

Deeply Scarred Heart

 


This can be a really hard time of year for me because it is approaching the anniversary of my mother's death. Some years it passes with almost no recognition or other notable feelings, but some years it hits deep and painful. Looking at the calendar I realized that the days line up the same as they did 28 years ago with her dying on Tuesday, Jan 7. And I am exactly twice as old as I was when she died, so that seems significant as well. Another factor is probably that last year was such a big happy year and so the sadness just feels bigger too. Equal and opposite reactions and all that.

My heart is deeply scarred and maybe a little tough. As a child I struggled with feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect because I felt like my mother was not there for me as much as I needed her. I'm not trying to vilify her or play the victim. It was just the way things were at that time. She longed for her own independence and autonomy at that time when women were fighting for equal rights and treatment and she was on the forefront. While I appreciate all of that I also have to recognize my own unmet needs. That generation of women did leave their children as sacrifices on the altar of advancement. We are all a bit scarred even if we don't recognize it. 

I'm not saying my childhood was bad. I just see now that the theme of inadequate connection and attention runs throughout. I had a good relationship with my mother. I wanted her to be happy and I tried to do whatever I could to avoid being a source of stress or anger. She was supportive of my dreams and aspirations and allowed me an unusual amount of freedom to pursue them. At the time that freedom did not feel so much like disconnection, but looking back I can see that I suppressed those feelings to avoid appearing ungrateful for the opportunities. There were several years of my preteen and early teenage development when I lived long periods of time away from home so that I could chase my figure skating dreams. I was physically as well as emotionally separated from home. Maybe all of that is why I seem to have some kind of attachment issues - trouble maintaining friendships but also sometimes becoming overly attached to some relationships. 

As a mother I've tried to be available to my children much more than my mother was to me. There are times when I look back and feel like I was not as emotionally available as I could have been, but I also recognize that grief and loss over my mother just as I became a mother were really significant factors. My kids seem to have grown up pretty well despite my failures and shortcomings. Being their mom is the source of my greatest happiness.

Another aspect of time that could be making this year's anniversary more emotional is that I am watching friends lose their mothers and the empathy brings back a lot of the pain of loss. It's never easy to lose a parent. I try not to feel envy that they've had so many more years of life with their mothers, and I try not to feel distain for those who've cut ties with their mothers because of toxic relationships or whatever other issues have made them feel it necessary to willingly disconnect. I'm not judging. It's just hard to relate. I am thankful that I am not having to watch my mother disappear via dementia. That has got to be the hardest thing to experience. 

It feels weird that my mother has grandchildren that she never knew. My oldest wasn't even one when she died. She never knew the traumas and difficulties involved in bringing my other two babies into the world. She didn't get to see the deep physical scars of my own motherhood. Those are as deep and complex as the ones that bind my heart. Deeply scarred inside and out. But also extremely blessed with these wonderful people who are descended from her. Worth all the pain and transformation. 

So here's to the memory of my mother. And the wondering what she'd really think about me now as I've aged beyond the years she got to live. Would she like me? Would she be disappointed in my failures and inadequacies? Would she admire that as a mother I've quantitatively had more experience than she did? Would she see me as the wise woman I'd like to be? 

Like the broken heart that has healed many times there is a toughness and maybe some sharp edges to navigate while working through these feelings. I will try to give myself the mother love that I've longed for, but I might need more than I can do for myself.       

Thursday, January 02, 2025

2025 Early Thoughts, C'est la vie

Yesterday on New Year's Day I felt pretty good, but this morning I woke up with some kind of mood hangover (no alcohol involved, just hormonal stuff probably) that has me troubling (ruminating) over how to approach this new year. There is a bit of fear of loss, fear of losing the revival I felt last year. But I'm trying to remind myself that I shouldn't allow myself to depend on outside sources for my happiness or other good feelings. It's just hard to let go of the attachment that comes with something so rare and unexpected and seemingly fated, but now I think I have to face the hard reality that I misread a lot of things and I guess I need to own that and move on without beating myself up about it. I need to find my lane and stick to it.

This year maybe my focus will be releasing control and not trying to influence things with my own intentions. Just mellow out and go with the flow of things that last year put in motion, without trying to steer. Take the path of least resistance. Become like water. And if that flow ends up dumping me on the shore somewhere alone and half dead again I guess, c'est la vie. Release attachments. Release any expectations or even hopes. I don't really like that sound of having "no hopes" but it just means that when you have no expectations or desires then you won't be disappointed. Yeah, that's pessimistic. I will try not to be judgmental about myself and the mistakes I've made and the limerence that has been my fuel. Unrequited is the story of my life. Gosh, I am kind of depressed today. It will pass eventually. I'm just tired of driving. Somebody, Jesus, whoever, take the wheel.  

Friday, December 27, 2024

In My Bubble


 

Today my TikTok "FYP" gave me a couple more words/concepts that I've been trying to think of for a while. Rumination. Meaning overthinking with negative imaginings and beating oneself up with all the ideas, feelings, and thoughts that we've decided are inappropriate, inaccurate, and make us feel stupid, unworthy, and all the other bad stuff we think about ourselves when we allow our minds to decide that all the good things have not been real. I have a tendency to ruminate, but there is a way to try to alleviate it. Embodiment. I've been doing this without really knowing there was a word for it. Whenever I'm feeling down about myself and all the things that my imagination creates seem to be complete misunderstandings of reality, I go to my little "secret" meditation room and start stretching and breathing (my version of yoga) to shift from my thinking mind to my feeling body. I focus on releasing tension from my joints and muscles and feeling the breath in and out. It really does help. It adjusts my thinking from harsh judgmental self-loathing to a more amused acceptance of my foolishness. I laugh at myself. 

I recognize that emotional, intimate loneliness is a root of so much of my dissatisfaction. That is the hard truth. I didn't even know how to define that until I glimpsed an alternate universe and felt some kind of hope. It wasn't really for me but just something I unintentionally intercepted. But I don't want to start ruminating about it again. So I'll just stay in my bubble and try to breath through the fire and weather the storms of emotion. Ultimately I cannot rely on anyone else for my happiness.      

Tuesday, December 24, 2024

Merry Christmas Eve

I have to say I fucking love this menopause thing. All you gals that are bitching and moaning about it are just not doing it right. LOL I'm a little tipsy but as they say alcohol loosens lips and hips and all the other things so let's just go with it. Whatever this hot flashing fire is that is fueling my life is making everything that much more. Rage, lust, and everything in between. Earlier today I was raging with the most intense anger at Fedex over a lost shipment. I cursed them to death by fire for stealing my package. Hey, fuck around and find out as they say. I've lost the inhibition to only be demure and mindful. Happy Holidays. 

I managed to transmute my fiery rage to a more pleasant feeling. Even if it is only for me and nobody else is around to witness this feat of magical prowess it is what it is. I'm in my full power to harness the heat and burning whatever it is. God I think I am drunk, drunk with power and fire and damn if you think you can handle it then come on show me what you've got.

I am alive. It isn't always easy but I think I'll take this fire fueled life over being dead even with the mood swings and moments of desperate foolishness. I am a fool. Not the old wise woman that I had intended. Swept away in my fantastic imagination. Make it real. 

Yes, I am ridiculous. Gloriously ridiculous in my heat fueled delirium. Menopause is the best. It's puberty with the experience and wisdom of a life well lived and the hopes for the love and passion that make life worth living. 

  


 


Monday, December 23, 2024

Festivus 2024, Airing of Grievances

People are so stupid. It's like they've never actually looked up at the night sky. It's like our education system has completely failed at teaching people the things they actually need to know about the world, the natural world. Like how to tell the difference between stars and planets and airplanes, satellites. And how to use easily available tools to discover what things are before jumping to outlandish conclusions. People, before posting a blurry zoomed in picture of Venus and calling it a "plasmoid" get yourself a night sky app so you won't look like a complete idiot. Get yourself a flight id app and use it before posting every airplane in the sky and claiming it's a UAP. I'm so over all this hoopla about drones and orbs and crap. If the aliens are here I'll have to meet one face to face (or face to whatever they present). 

I feel like we're in that part of the movie Carrie where we're waiting for that blood bucket to drop. We all know it's there, put in place by the assholes, why do some people have to be so mean? 

I woke up with the holiday blues and beating myself up for feeling disappointed in people. No expectations. That is the key to not being disappointed. I know that, but sometimes I forget and make wishes. So I'm aggrieved with myself. That's nothing new. For all the good and happy things of this year I've also had to fight off equally harsh thoughts and feelings and darkness. Equal and opposite is the rule that we can't escape forever. I'm a little tired of that battle of sitting with the darkness and trying to convince it not to dim all the lights. I've sat in that dark place before and let my eyes adjust enough to see that there isn't really anything there that can hurt me other than my own imaginings. But I like the lights and the hopes and the energy that the darkness cannot provide. I'm like a zombie, brought back to life and left to wander in search of whatever it is zombies need. Or maybe I'm some kind of vampire with an eternal longing to live in the light that burns. (none of that sparkly Twilight shit though I'd much rather sparkle like glitter than look like the Baba Yaga I've become) 

Well, so much for all the self-pity and lamentations. I guess I'll have to think of some big feat of strength for the rest of the Festivus observance. Might be that just getting my balance back will take all the strength I can muster today.    


Thursday, December 19, 2024

Solar Maximum: Big, Big Energy and Sensory Reset

This year has been so eventful and impactful. I know a lot of people are devastated by the big, unusual recent natural disasters, and I feel terrible for them. I hope that their suffering will ease soon. It's been hard to express my happiness and gratitude without worrying about sounding insensitive to everything that has been lost. However, I do feel compelled to express my appreciation and amazement about all the ways this year has given me new energy and perspectives.

We shouldn't be surprised that the sun's output of extra energy during this period of solar maximum would have multiple layers of effects on us here on Earth. In our human hubris we tend to forget that the sun is the biggest influence on our planet. Sure, we do have some power to cause changes and damage and destruction but that big flaming star that we call the Sun can really put us in our place with its powerful magnifying energy. It amplifies everything with that big energy. The weather events of this year have surely been intensified by the increased solar energy. Maybe humans have also manipulated that equation but that's a topic for another time. 

The way it feels to me is that we are being washed over with a cleansing reset. Sometimes it's necessary for things to get a deep cleaning and sometimes that can be uncomfortable or even painful. Stripping away the old and stagnant stuff creates a fresh new foundation for a sensory reset where we can see things with new perspectives and allow ourselves to shed old tired feelings and ideas and situations. 

One of the biggest resets for me this year has been getting some much needed maintenance and rejuvenation done on my house. I wanted my home to better reflect the love and appreciation that dwells here. This house is almost 24 years old and things were beginning to need attention and looking a little rough. In preparing for this work to be done I've had to do a lot of decluttering and disposing of stuff that no longer needed to take up my space. The house is looking so much better and I almost feel like I've got a new house. I look at these reclaimed spaces and feel so happy and satisfied. I feel very energized. 

I've been taking much better care of my health too and have lost about 40 pounds over the last year and a half or so. That certainly has increased my energy level and improved my mood. I'm still fat but I do feel better. That's just another of so many ways I feel like my senses have been reset. I previously wrote about feeling things that I'd basically given up on ever feeling again. There is a deep wish that these things don't disappear again anytime soon. 

At a holiday gathering with my best friends last night they all remarked about how different I seem now. The weight loss is part of it but they said I just had a glow about me that was new. I joked that it must be menopause and the hormonal stuff that sometimes feels like puberty again and that the hot flashes actually make me feel more alive. Well, they knew that there was more to that than I was saying out loud because they've known me long enough and I guess I don't have a very good poker face. Without giving all the details I had to tell them that indeed some kind of spark has essentially brought me back to life this year. I confessed to them that I had basically been dead for a very long time - more than ten years, probably closer to a dozen. By dead I mean the libido/life force was dead. I had convinced myself that I did not miss it and that it was not something that I'd ever feel again and I was mostly okay about it. The universe had different plans for me. I explained to them that I'm trying to transmute these feelings into a happy appreciation for the feelings themselves and a deep gratitude for their source. I'm so very happy to not be dead anymore. I'm trying not to worry too much about the possible fleeting nature of it all and I'm trying not to create expectations about how everything unfolds. I'm all too aware of boundaries and consequences and all those other barriers to full expression of this resurrection. Using this energy to improve the life I have is my focus but I can't dismiss the attachment and affection I have for the source of this spark. I also consider that it might be entirely made up by my imagination, but even if that is the case the feelings and visceral responses are completely real. The quality of my life is so vastly improved that it's easy to spread that joy regardless. I am happy.

So this year's big energy has truly reset my senses and has even given me new life. It's been a year full of rarities: giant snowstorm, total solar eclipse, Southern Auroras, a fantastic comet, and whatever else this is that has brought me back to life. I will hope it continues but I also want to be able to withstand any contraction of the rare aspects. It's natural to want to cherish what is very rare. My prayer for this next year is that I can continue to thrive in this renewed life while sharing my happiness with all those I love.        


   

Sunday, November 10, 2024

A Rant

I haven't had a good rant in a long time so bear with me because this might get long. Unfortunately those who really need to hear it won't but that's not going to stop me.

Just stop it with your stupid "with her" and cat lady memes. This election isn't about whatever mean jokes that some guys might make. It's not about supporting someone just because their genitalia is the same as yours. Stop believing all the hateful garbage propaganda that the other guy and all of his supporters (at least half of the country) are a "threat to democracy." You know what's a real threat to democracy? Picking a senile old guy who's just a meat puppet to be the leader of the free would and him picking a completely unqualified running mate just because she checks off a bunch of diversity boxes. Then cheating the election by stuffing ballots with dead people along with other methods. Old meat puppet and useless vice president then basically destroy the country and pretty much try to start WWW3. Massive inflation and true citizens being slaves to this illegitimate government while illegal invaders get all kinds of benefits and money. Massive amounts of money being sent to Ukraine to be laundered by those people who've been "running the country" for the last several decades because they have been invested in Ukrainian interests for a long time. Then when old meat puppet's senility is finally totally undeniable anymore and has lost most support even from previous supporters they force him out of the race. Just because he's losing. Even though he supposedly was the democratically chosen candidate. A behind-the-scenes coup. Then the very unpopular vice is installed as the candidate and the media goes into full love mode even though nobody liked her before. Oh, and let's throw in there that the "bad guy" on our side is nearly assassinated in an obvious inside job by malicious negligence.

Nov. 10, 2024 The previous paragraph was written in July 2024. Much has happened since then. Democracy - as defined by our Constitution - prevailed and the election showed that a true majority of Americans are on the same page about most issues that really affect our lives and security. Of course we are all called racist, sexist, and lots of other -ists just because we rejected the coup-installed unqualified DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion) candidate. We the People are fed up with being told we are worthless garbage. We are not the threat to democracy. We are not the ones trashing all things sacred and valuable. We are not the ones brainwashed by media propaganda that encourages people to disrespect, insult, distrust, hate, and shun anyone who does not follow their cult. They project all their worst ideas, thoughts, and feelings onto us. 

I have endured my own sister publicly posting hateful, insulting words about people like me and pretty much my whole family- immediate and extended, and most of my friends too. She thinks she's being righteous because she's convinced that we are against her and her gay son and I'm not even sure what else. We have NEVER been against them. We have only ever treated them with love and generosity and acceptance. I'm not sure why she so easily believes such horrible things about people who have always been kind and loving. She has accused me of not loving them purely based on the twisted propaganda that tells her that we are actually monsters for supporting a candidate that has a proven record of helping the country thrive while being actually inclusive. Does she realize that by verbally abusing *my* children and friends, calling them hateful bigots unworthy of respect, she's actually the one behaving like a monster? She's so consumed by a deranged hatred that she's doing to us what she thinks we want to do to them. How much disrespect am I supposed to endure? How am I supposed to react when she's hating on all the people I love? What do I tell my children who come to me and ask if their aunt actually hates them? She's my sister and I love her, but how much abuse and disrespect am I supposed to take? A part of me is just about ready to cut ties and just leave her to wallow in her misery. She's pretty much throwing all of us into the trash so what else can I do? I've talked and explained and defended in all the ways I know how. She just refuses to listen and consider that we are not all the terrible things that she's been told by a bunch of strangers on TV who are motivated by money, power, and influence and not by true caring and compassion for anyone. Those people do not actually care about her, her child, her life, her job, her anything. Why does she (and so many other people) allow them to have so much control over her thoughts and relationships? But we're the garbage monsters, yeah, right.  

And just a note about "reproductive rights." Most of us don't really care what other people are doing as long as we aren't forced to support or pay for things that are none of our business. In the most fundamental sense I do believe that abortion is ending a real life, but I am also able to see things in a more nuanced way and realize that sometimes people have to make hard choices. None of us are perfect. I don't think it's wrong for the states to have more say than the federal government in how this issue is handled. The pro-abortion people have had decades to pass an actual law that protects that "right" instead of relying on court rulings. But they don't really care that much about actually solving issues because they make so much money and get more power from keeping things contentious. In my ideal world abortion would be the obsolete barbaric thing that people did before they knew better and had so many options for preventing its need. I would like to see more inclusion of father's rights. Sure, the baby is inside the woman's body but it is also 50% genetically the father's. How are we not including this fact in the whole discussion? Why are we surprised that segments of the male population are "dead beat dads" when we have basically forced them out of the equation? It's a much bigger issue than the simplistic view that has prevailed. Ultimately I am libertarian and don't want to interfere with other people's lives but when push comes to shove I am going to tell them what I believe is bad and wrong. So if you don't want to hear it then don't start pushing me around.

The whole gender confusion epidemic is another largely media-driven construct meant to divide people. Gender dysphoria is a real mental issue, but we've moved away from treating the illness to indulging delusions in the name of "compassion." But how compassionate is it really to encourage people to drastically and sometimes irreversibly alter themselves to fit a delusional view of themselves? I don't particularly care if a man wants to dress as a woman or vice versa, but if you have a penis you are a man and need to use the men's restroom. If you were born with testicles then you are a boy and should compete in boys' sports. If you have XY chromosomes then you are a male and have all the male physical advantages in muscle, metabolism, and strength and should not be using those advantages in girls' sports. Putting on a bra, or even getting breast implants does not make a female. Not even cutting off your dick and balls will make you a female. Now, if someone decides they are "non-binary" whatever the hell that means then fine, go do you, but don't get your panties in a wad if I don't play along. Pronouns are grammar - not identity. If you're getting upset by something as innocuous as pronouns then it looks like a mental problem to me. I mean, I've gotten mail addressed to "Mr. Rae McCurry" but I just laugh it off. I'm not devastated by being "misgendered." My hope for the future is that we will allow children to develop fully before we allow doctors and parents to alter their bodies to fit some temporary fantasy.

Lastly, let's just say that it feels like the tide is turning and that more people than not have awakened to the reality of how corrupt our media have become. How wrong they've been about so many things like election polls and standings and other basic facts that they want to manipulate. We have freedom of speech and freedom of the press but those rely on integrity and acceptance of differences. Labelling all ideas and statements that do not align with their agenda as "misinformation" is the ultimate misinformation. Are they free to lie? Are they free to condemn and vilify over half the country? Sure, I guess they can try to get away with slander and libel, but they are not free to suppress our ability to defend ourselves and to correct their lies and respond to their insults. And that is exactly what they are trying to do. They want to shut down all we say by characterizing it as hateful, incorrect, and even evil. They misrepresent our views and ideas. They LIE. There is collusion between the corrupt media and the corruption in the government. It is deeper than the elected officials. The vast bureaucracy and system of appointed agency positions that are largely unchanged by elections are very corrupt especially at the leadership levels. So many of the "three letter" agencies are so corrupt that they appear incompetent. It's more likely that they hide their true corruption behind that appearance of incompetence. The people are losing confidence and trust in these agencies along with the lost trust and confidence in the media. We the people are not the problem. We the people have spoken and I hope that this time we will do more to hold accountable all of those who have misled, lied, and belittled us. Whatever and whoever their "resistance" is we see them and we are watching and we are ready.          

Saturday, November 09, 2024

What a Week, Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

I might be going supernova right now, like all this past week, I've been on absolute fire. Mostly good but sometimes a little embarrassing too. I think maybe these are menopausal hot flashes, but they're not entirely unpleasant except when they have interfered with my ability to fully perceive. Thinking back at moments I wish I had been less distracted by trying not to spontaneously combust. There are details I wish I had been able to commit to memory. The burning internal heat just consumed too much of my awareness so that I feel like I missed some important points. But some moments did embed into my mind like sparks - brilliant flashes of something that feels really nice.   

"Lovely is the feelin' now, fever, temperatures risin' now, power (oh power) is the force,"

Add that we got a big boost of vindication in the political realm. Maybe the solar maximum is helping raise that energy level as well. 

I'm trying to remain grounded amidst all these currents on multiple wavelengths, ebb and flow of a stimulated ocean along with a wildfire stirred by high winds. My senses are in the process of being reset to account for all this influx of new energy. I'm trying to find my thresholds of perception and boundaries of reality. Things have shifted and sometimes I feel little overwhelmed but in that ecstatic hyper-stimulated way. But then sometimes I swing the other direction towards despair at the thought that I've completely misread everything and nothing is as I've felt and thought. Ridiculous delights, dramas, and dilemmas all played out in my head and making me feel real feelings but to what consequence? Ultimately I keep reminding myself to appreciate feeling good whether it originates internally or is aroused by an external source.

Despite the occasional discomfort I am enjoying this big hot energy. It makes me feel so alive and energized. I hope it doesn't wane any time soon. 

"Keep on, with the force, don't stop, don't stop 'til you get enough" 

 

Monday, October 21, 2024

Once a Hoe, Always a Hoe (or Big Energy Year)

Life plays funny tricks on us sometimes. Aging is one of those. For years I had the toolshed closed up, thinking things were worn out, used up, and retired, but somehow this year everything changed. I've never been sure about where I was in that whole menopause thing due to not having a uterus since 2002. I assumed my ovaries were just limping along doing their thing as best they could but in the absence of periods I just didn't know. I could detect some kind of monthly cycle of changing energy levels, moods, etc., but oftentimes I just didn't pay much attention to that aspect of myself. Really, the toolshed was just rarely opened, just getting the required maintenance and not much else. And I was mostly fine about it. 

This year has disrupted everything. The toolshed door got blown open and all the tools seem to be just fine - not broken, not ruined, not in bad shape other than just needing a little extra grease. I think there are a lot of reasons for this big change. This year has brought a lot of really big, rare, and fantastic events. Even back in the winter it started with the huge blizzard and deep freeze that nearly paralyzed our area for two weeks. Then there was the total solar eclipse in April, and being able to go see its nearly 4 minute totality was a "bucket list" experience. In May we had a severe solar storm that brought the Northern Lights all the way down here in a spectacular display of the sun's power. Big energy! Only five months later we got another solar storm of nearly the same strength with more auroras visible to us here. Unfortunately, there was also the catastrophic flooding and other destruction from Hurricane Helene. It boggles the mind to see how much energy was released by the massive movement of all that water and earth and life. And for the last week or so we've been able to see one of the greatest comets of my lifetime. It's been stunning. The sun is in its "solar maximum" which is the most active part of its 11 year activity cycle. Big energy! Seems logical that all that extra energy from the sun would have effects on us too. And I do feel energized, refreshed, rejuvenated.

There is another aspect to this that I'm still trying to figure out. It might just be my imagination. I have to tell myself that it's really okay if it is only my imagination because the way it makes me feel is real. What harm is there in being happy and feeling good just from the thought of something? (Wanting to keep the toolshed open and useful again.)  I feel like a freakin' teenager sometimes, full of raging hormonal drive - let me rock you like a hurricane - sorry that was in poor taste but it might illustrate the amount of energy I feel sometimes. Big energy! If it is a fantasy that enhances my life then let me have it. If it is more than fantasy then let me have that too lol. Once a hoe, always a hoe. 

I'm constantly analyzing and questioning what's happening. Maybe it's just the last gasping push of stuff before the final exhaustion. Maybe my little old ovaries are in the midst of their final blow-out like a dying star going into supernova. Big energy! I don't know and I'm trying not to worry too much about the ultimate ending of whatever it is. I have to enjoy the present, appreciate the good feelings while they are here, and try not to judge myself harshly for wanting keep riding this wave of big energy as long as possible.       

     

Thursday, July 04, 2024

Rule of Three

I'm not really a witch. I like the aesthetic, and I do have my shamanic kinds of beliefs and practices, though I'm not consistent with much of anything, probably due to most likely having undiagnosed ADHD. People who identify as witches have a different view and set of practices, well, there are very many varieties of witches apparently. My knowledge of these things predate TikTok and other social media. It comes from reading books. Actual paper books. What we see on TikTok especially is a lot of mumbo-jumbo and posturing and gate-keeping and other nonsense where there is constant bickering and drama between different factions of self-described witches. The European witches think that American witches are fake, and the American witches scramble to prove themselves. There are constant threats of hexes and banishments and all kinds of other baneful acts. It just makes me think that these silly women acting this way would have given people long ago plenty of reason for witch hunts and all that shit. Now I know that many innocent women were murdered, ostracized, persecuted, etc. due to false accusations of witchcraft. It is and continues to be a powerful accusation in some parts of society. But I find it really disappointing that some people behave in such an immature way while claiming to have this great power and wisdom.

Many of these witches have disavowed one of the basic tenets of modern practice. The Rule of Three. Basically, it means that whatever you put out in the world will return to you threefold. Maybe it's a "new" rule that doesn't really come from the ancient practices. I don't know. I think it is similar to Karma. It's so irresponsible to throw out a bunch of negative energy or whatever towards others in order to "punish" or even just because you don't like them. Here is where my Christianity steps in and where I believe that forgiveness is a much more powerful response to feeling hurt. Forgiving is hard. Forgiving does not necessarily give you at feeling of getting justice. But it stops the rebounding effects of so much negative energy being thrown back and forth without regard for unintended consequences or collateral damage. Forgiving isn't the same as absolving or erasing harmful actions. It is for our peace and well-being. It protects our energies instead of wasting them on revenge or punishment. The universe will provide its own punishment which will be much more effective.

I am not immune from feeling a desire to punish or avenge. We all have those emotions. I might be writing this to help myself work through some of those feelings. We just got back from a quick beach trip and I brought home a really terrible cold. Not covid but it's pretty bad. In my fevered brain I imagined that someone might have wished this upon me as some punishment for some imagined infraction. In the last month or so my overactive imagination might have thought some things that it shouldn't have, but as I see it my imagination is my own business and if I think something about someone and keep it totally in my own mind then it's between me and God, so to speak. Believe me, I tend to punish myself enough for these things and don't need it from anyone else. I don't know if my strong thoughts get through to other people. Maybe they do. I can't know if they don't tell me. But if my thoughts do somehow bother others then there are better ways of handing it than throwing out curses or hexes. This sounds really crazy, but it sounds a lot like the ADHD thoughts that I've heard other people talk about having. 

Anyway, this illness made my fever run over 102 and so all that heat and energy being generated by my body made me think about how much that energy might build if I sent it out with an intention of returning it to whoever wished me ill. (Yes, crazy fever-thoughts.) I mean I was really thinking about creating a fever-bomb. But I really wouldn't have done that. I just thought about how glad my imaginary enemy better be that I didn't do it. Sometimes fever thoughts and dreams can be entertaining after the fact. 

I'm no longer feverish and my mind is getting back to its normal crazy and not so much of that fever crazy. But I have been thinking a lot about this idea of energy as a weapon or defense against perceived threats. I don't really know how much of this stuff is complete bullshit, but I do know that sometimes we meet people to whom we feel some connection or attraction or even repulsion. Maybe it's all just one-sided imagination? But let's not diminish or disregard people as delusional just because they have very active imaginations that consider all the possibilities. 

I think the best use of our mental and emotional energies in response to feeling energetically threatened or violated is to build up a protective field or buffer. That will not exacerbate or amplify energies back to us. It might not be as short-term satisfying as sending hexes, curses, or fever-bombs, but in the long-term it will avoid so much negativity from overwhelming everyone. And it is closer to forgiveness.     

Monday, June 24, 2024

Midlife Equity

I'm really rusty on this writing thing but here goes.

It's been nearly 20 years since I started this blog. That feels strange. Twenty years has flashed by so fast. So much has happened. Kids have grown and flourished into their own adult lives. No grandchildren yet, but maybe in a few years. I've had heartbreaks and recoveries and times of feeling like I just didn't care about much anymore. But now at 56 I'm feeling that midlife urgency to get things done and taken care of while I'm still here and able. Not to be morbid but if I'm average I've only got another 20 or so years of life, and that 20 years will go ever faster than the last 20. Priorities are shifting. Focus is much less on the future. It is on right now. Time is even more precious than ever. No more wasting time waiting for things to get done or waiting for other people to get their shit together or whatever. 

I feel like I've built up a bit of life equity. I'm talking about the value accumulated over time based on the difference between liabilities spent vs. assets gained. I'm been the bookkeeper for our business for the last 26 years so I just think of things in those kinds of terms. I'm not talking about the current use of the term equity as some social concept to justify discrimination against high achievers because it's not "fair" that some people do better in life than others. That's just life, people. I always wished I could be a rock star or super model but I don't have the talent or physical beauty for required. Painful as that realization was, it was what I had to accept. Anyway, life is not "fair" and everyone just needs to do their own best without trying to bring others down to their level just to feel better about it. 

My own equity I'm talking about does have social aspect but it is much more personal and intertwined with my marriage/partnership. All the years that I didn't spend money on things like getting my nails done all the time, designer clothes, or whatever other shopping/spending habits that others choose has created a type of savings account with this equity. (No judgment on those who do spend their "capital" on that stuff - it just hasn't been a priority for me.) I know this might sound "transactional" to some. That's another current buzzword to criticize certain ways of thinking. Well, at its most fundamental level life is purely transactional - input/output and exchange are the process of life itself. The sun gives the energy it got from its creation to all the plants and organisms on earth that then use that energy to grow themselves and then we use them to grow ourselves and we all convert that energy into other products that other things use to grow themselves and on and on and on. It's a cycle of exchange. Long term partnerships naturally involved lots of sharing and exchanging. Certainly, there are some things like emotions that don't necessarily work best under a transactional structure. I might get into that later. Sorry, I tend to go off on these tangents. 

Back to relationship equity. Over the 33 years of my marriage I've accumulated a bit of savings where I wasn't spending everything all the time. Now I'm looking at things that need attention. As things age they need repairs and maintenance. A lot of people my age decide to spend their equity on fixing their bodies with plastic surgeries or other procedures to look younger or whatever. And again, no judgment on that, but it's not my concern. Well, yeah, sometimes I think about having some "work" done on myself for appearance's sake, but not too seriously because that just hasn't been a thing for me ever so why start now? There's a lot of life baggage (similar to equity but undesired accumulation) connected to physical appearance. Growing up I was never told I was attractive. My appearance just wasn't important except that I was never thin enough. I was either invisible or too big. This probably explains my lack of desire to maintain appearances over my life. What's to maintain if you never had it? Sorry, another tangent. 

So instead of spending my equity on myself I am beginning to spend it on some big home maintenance projects. As a homemaker (along with the bookkeeping as my "career") home is super important. The state of our homes is often a reflection of the conditions of other aspects of our lives. This isn't necessarily a direct correlation. Sometimes people with the most immaculate homes have the most fucked up lives and relationships. And sometimes the most modest and ordinary homes have the happiest families. Clutter and mess isn't always a sign of dysfunction. It's often a sign of people living full lives. My house is generally clean but it is a working home. We work here and from here and it's all functional and lived in. I do like some nice things but it's just not all for show. (Just like my personal appearance.) But over time things wear out and need work to repair and maintain them. This year I've had the exterior painted professionally for the first time since we built the house in 2001. The cedar siding had been cleaned and sealed a few times over the years but it was always DIY and not necessarily done that well. Cedar is beautiful when it's new and newly pressure washed to remove the natural tannin stains that turn it gray-to-black. But it never keeps that fresh-cut look. It wants to be black. So I said "paint it black." Well, it's not pure black, which I would have liked just fine. It's a very dark gray, kind of charcoal color - the darkest that Sherwin-Williams makes - Black Alder - I think is the name. It looks awesome. I love it. It was a big job and cost a pretty penny but I had that equity and used it. 

Another big job that has needed to be done for over a decade is having the wrought iron pool fence painted. We put in the pool and fence 16 years ago and it's all held up pretty well, but as iron will do it had some rust and other issues. Last year I had a couple of posts and a gate replaced and there are a few more posts that will need replaced next year. But for so many years I've had getting it painted on the to-do list. That never was a real DIY option. So I finally just made the call and found the absolute best people to get that done. I am so happy with it! It's almost like having a brand new fence. It wasn't cheap. Getting it painted the right way was almost as much as getting it originally installed. But with Bidenflation it was really probably about a third (or even a quarter maybe) of what it would cost to install new now.

Having these things taken care of have energized me. Spending that equity on my home and surroundings has made me feel like the state of our home better reflects the state of our lives. There are several other projects that need to be done in the next year or so. The equity isn't all used up yet but I don't want to deplete it completely. There's another big painting job that I want done professional this year, and then the other projects are more DIY friendly. Spending on home maintenance seems like a much better investment than plastic surgery or whatever because barring some major natural disaster or something like that, this house will be here a lot longer than I will. It is an asset for my children. My body is not meant to be a legacy. It has already done its creating.         

Monday, January 09, 2023

Clock's A-Ticking

 Well, I've gotten sucked into the TikTok world. It's funny how social media has evolved from the old chat rooms of the early Internet to these quick videos documenting everything from the deepest heartbreaks to the absolute stupidest antics to the most obscure fetishes and interests. But the trolls haven't changed or been vanquished. People don't change.

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Ghosted

Ghosts in the machine 

Dead lovers and unsuitable soulmates

Broken code dangling in quantum mystery

Locked blockchain no password 

Crypto scripto got no matter

In the shadow energy



Friday, January 21, 2022

Bridges, Ferries, and Mortality

There are a lot of cliches and metaphors about bridges, but that's because they work. Humans have always built bridges to cross over waterways, ravines, and other gaps or obstacles to where we want to go. Where we live there are lots of rivers, creeks, and other waterways and so there are many bridges. But not enough really. There used to be ferries at various points along the rivers, and many roads are named for these ferries. But I am unaware of any ferries around here that still operate. The old ferries were not the same as the big commercial ferries currently in use in bigger cities and other countries. They were often not much more than rickety rafts, which is one reason why they disappeared - due to safety regulations and whatnot - along with the construction of new bridges. There was one ferry I got to experience before it was shut down when I was in my early 20s. It was slightly more modern than a raft and was a little scary to trust carrying a few cars and several people, but my mom and grandmother wanted to show me some places from their earlier years and the ferry was part of that journey. That ferry shut down after a large bridge was completed. 

There are several major bridges in this area, but it would be nice to have more, especially connecting our area with the area where the kids went to school. As it is, we had to drive a fair distance out of the way to either bridge crossing the river between us and the schools. The closest bridge we always called "crooked bridge" because of its asymmetrical construction (BH Photo #270433 in link above). I don't know why they built it that way. Maybe the angles affect its strength and stability. That bridge gets tons of heavy traffic from 18 wheelers and dump trucks due to the industrial and mining complexes on that road. To have so much school traffic (buses and cars) there too has been the cause of much worry and several bad wrecks over the years.

When we bought our farm there was a very old, janky - mostly wood with some metal supports - bridge that we had to cross over the large creek bordering the property. I was always afraid of it and it frequently flooded when there were heavy rains. There were other accesses to the property when the bridge was impassable but they were fairly long detours.  This bad bridge, however, was not enough to deter us from buying the farm because it is a beautiful piece of property and the price was good. We didn't know when we bought it that the State of TN had already planned to replace that bridge as part of a state-wide program to replace so many dangerous, inadequate rural bridges. Although the road through our farm is gravel it is a County road which means that it is the State's and County's responsibility to maintain. The old bridge was demolished and construction of the a new bridge happened pretty quickly after we bought the farm. Now there is a solid concrete bridge that is so much better. It is less susceptible to flooding, though one time the water did flow a little over the top of it. The biggest problem now is that the side of the road across the bridge from our farm is lower in elevation and floods anyway when there is too much rain. It's okay because we have the other ways to get there, and the floods aren't that frequent. But it does illustrate the important of good, solid bridges.

The metaphorical bridges we build can be just as important. Nearly all relationships require emotional bridges that we use to close the gaps between us. Usually these bridges are constructed of words and actions, but sometimes thoughts are enough for some connections. The variety of these personal bridges are as many as the variety of bridges that cross our geographical landscapes. And their reliability, durability, and convenience are all just as variable. Sometimes instead of a bridge, we just need the occasional ferry, when a long-term connection isn't needed or wanted. There can also be metaphysical bridges between people that are not really the same as the emotional bridges but they can share the same space. Emotional bridges are built in the landscape of real actions and words, but the metaphysical ones are built of thoughts and intentions, maybe even dreams. To those of us with just a grandmother's understanding about such things we can imagine that concepts like the Einstein-Rosen bridge could help explain such metaphysical bridges, though they are more like tunnels (wormholes) that are pretty much just inside out (or rather outside in) bridges. ;-) Real scientists, especially physicists, really hate when we conflate their theories with metaphysical ideas. Sorry, but not really, because creating new connections and testing them is necessary. Scientists can be just as guilty of NIMBY (not in my backyard) as any others who don't want to be connected to what they consider unclean, undesirable, or any other objectionable things. "Don't you even think about using my theory to explain your hoodoo nonsense," is like, "Don't you even think about building a bridge to connect my happy neighborhood to that messed-up neighborhood." There is almost always some resistance by somebody against constructing new bridges. 

Shamanism utilizes metaphysical bridges in its connections. Journeying to the Dreamtime requires all sorts of metaphysical infrastructure but bridges are one of the main things because in Dreamtime quests we like to be as efficient as possible in getting over, around, through the more difficult passages. But bridges present their own dangers too. Under bridges is a popular hiding place for things that might want to stop, hinder, rob, or hurt us. There are these energies and entities in the metaphysical space as in the normal reality. Also there can be heavy, sometimes dangerous traffic just as on our bridge on the way to school. 

Not that all Dreamtime travel is fraught with risk and fear. Sometimes it can feel really good to be there. Enjoying the Dreamtime too much is a downfall that shamans need to avoid because it can become the journeying there just for the sensations of it without any intention or purpose. Not that pure pleasure is a bad thing, but there is a time and place that is more appropriate for that than the Dreamtime which is mostly meant for learning and guiding. If we were meant to live in the Dreamtime we wouldn't require reality and the metaphysical would be enough. The reason we have physical bodies with sensations is so that we will try to be "grounded" to reality. Our physical bodies and senses are the bridges between our metaphysical lives and our normal real lives. If someone claims not to have any sort of metaphysical life he is either misunderstanding certain experiences or ignoring them altogether. We can build bridges but we can't force people to use them. A lot of people have deep phobias of bridges - fear of collapse, fear of the unknown, fear of ambush in a vulnerable place, etc. - so we can either help them overcome those fears or leave them on the other side.   

Despite not being a very social person, in the past I have been an important bridge between people who've made pretty lucrative connections because I've been the one who connected them. It's not that I am so important or well-connected myself, but that I have facilitated the connections of people who otherwise would have never met but who needed each other for mutual benefit. I could be a matchmaker though these connections were not of the romantic variety. Sometimes I am good at seeing how people need to be connected to each person's benefit and help that happen. This helping people to solve problems by being a bridge to information or other people is part of my goal with shamanism. If I can't solve it, let me show you who can. Maybe in this sense I have been more of a ferry than a bridge since there wasn't usually a permanent structure created.

Bridges are often part of the imagery of mortality. Another role shamans can fill is that of helping others through the process of death, helping others "cross over" the "rainbow bridge" or the River Styx in some mythologies. I might have somewhat filled this role when my mom was dying, though I feel I mostly failed at creating any smooth, soothing transition. I just don't really know for sure since I was much too overcome with my own feelings and concerns. It was a very rickety, unstable passage for me, though mom seemed at as much peace as one could expect (though throughout life she had a bridge phobia). I feel some regret that I did not have the strength to carry her all the way to the end. She seemed to understand when I told her that I didn't think I could handle being in the room when she died, but now I do wish I had stayed by her side as she took her last breath. What a shamanic failure! All these years later it's some feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out) that nags at my mind, telling me that I might have mourned better if I hadn't been such a coward in the face of her death. 

I had begun this blog post on March 22, 2021. It's still not fully formed but I'm going to go ahead and publish it.    

Saturday, January 15, 2022

Midlife

 Thoughts of mortality are heavy on my mind as I approach my 54th birthday, the age at which my mom died 25 years ago. While I am not ill like she had been for years before her passing I still have these thoughts to process. I have intentionally lived a much different life than she did, hoping for a different outcome than hers, but I have not escaped the usual midlife problems and worries. Things hurt. Youthful abuses or misuses of my body have caught up with me. I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to quit all my different jobs and "retire" to some mythical life on a warm Florida beach. I'm not sure my generation will really get that whole retirement deal that our parents and grandparents had (though mom didn't get there either). I remember my mom talking about being tired of working and wishing she could quit and just live a less demanding life, but she ultimately she valued the money, esteem and sense of autonomy she gained from her job more than leisure time and relaxation. And actually, she ended up working on up until 5-6 weeks before her death. She didn't want too much unoccupied time filled with pain and anxiety. She was a Capricorn.

In many ways I do believe our thoughts shape our reality so I am mindful of not dwelling on these morbid thoughts, but I also know we can't ignore things hoping they will just go away. It's really hard sometimes to control these thoughts about how much time I've wasted over the years. I try not to berate myself for the missed opportunities and inappropriate pursuits that sometimes haunt me. So much time I spent in my own head in some alternate universe that never amounted to anything. In the grand scheme of the universe what kind of wasteful folly have I made of these short years of life on this beautiful planet? As far as we know our experience as conscious, creative beings is very rare in the universe, so it seems especially important to make the most of that. But maybe we really aren't all that special? It might be nice to meet an extraterrestrial who could give us some perspective on the grander universe. Wouldn't it be funny to meet one who was having his own kind of midlife crisis? 

I don't really want to sound so whiny. But gosh, my hips hurt and I'm tired and I'm just not sure I want to start up any new businesses and endeavors. I just want to get through the rest of this month and get past that birthday.    

Monday, August 23, 2021

eScienceCommons: Fruit flies use alcohol as a drug to kill parasites

Another older article of interest regarding insects and "natural medicine." 

eScienceCommons: Fruit flies use alcohol as a drug to kill parasites: By Carol Clark Fruit flies infected with a blood-borne parasite consume alcohol to self-medicate, a behavior that greatly increases t...

eScienceCommons: The monarch butterfly's medicine kit

An "old" article and video but very interesting anyway.


eScienceCommons: The monarch butterfly's medicine kit: The journal Ecology Letters just published findings by Emory biologists that monarch butterflies use medication to cure themselves and the...