It's not raining yet but it's supposed to later tonight.
So if you want to love me then darlin' don't refrain...
And when your fears subsideAnd shadows still remain, oh yeahI know that you can love me when there's no one left to blameSo never mind the darkness, we still can find a way'Cause nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain
I'm doing something that I always said I wouldn't. I started some hormone replacement a couple of weeks ago because frankly I am not ready to wither and shrivel up into an old crone. And the god-awful fire-flashes that burn from the inside and consume all my senses are not the energy sources that they were a couple of years ago. They have been more like chaotic wildfires trying to turn me to ash. Nobody told me that it gets worse before it gets better, but it's finally feeling like things are balancing out, maybe. Do I feel hypocritical for changing my mind? A little, but I'm tired of acquiescing to my own rigidity.
The weather is cooling and I like to sit outside in the cold night air, chilling, literally sending out my excess heat. Well, hello, Jack Frost, your penetrating touch is just what I need right now lol. But really, the cold air is refreshing and things move differently in the cooler evening world. Gone is the loud insistence of summer nightlife, replaced by what amplified distant vibes travel through the shifting waves of wind and temperature. The cold air reminds me that I am real and not just some virtual construct of postmodern confusion. I blend into the night, camouflaged in the shadows, and listen to the horizon.
I've seen two large fireball meteors this week; the first was green, the second I nearly missed through the passing clouds. The poet in my heart wants to say they were signs sent to ease my doubts and ruminations, but the realist in my head knows that these emotional inventions and scenarios are only that stupid heart poet concocting some mistaken potion.
Someday you will find meCaught beneath the landslideIn a champagne supernova in the skySomeday you will find meCaught beneath the landslideIn a champagne supernovaA champagne supernova
Although I've changed with time and age, I'm not really that different from myself 20 years ago. This blog is probably a fairly good place to get to know me though it might be missing the softness and tenderness of my real life self. Those features are wasted in the cyberworld which is a different kind of hard and cold. And of course, words on a screen can never really equal a whole person. I've gone back and read some of my old entries and much of it still fits me well.
How many special people change?How many lives are livin' strange?Where were you while we were gettin' high?
I might have adjusted my thoughts about climate change as I've watched the world change. I'm not 100% convinced that the government alarmists haven't engaged in artificial manipulation to cause their self-fulfilling prophecy and to give them more power over all of us. But there seems to be undeniable change occurring around the planet, particularly with the rainfall being more excessive, likely due to more water vapor in the atmosphere. The planet's waters seem angry but they are just asserting their place, flooding valleys and overtaking coastlines. (This has always happened and there are many ruins of lost coastal cities that were overtaken by the ice age warming.) Whether it's due to our cars and industry or just our planet's larger cycles of change I don't think it really matters why. Humans must adapt or die, as we have had to do for all the millennia of our existence. Our governments are failing us by wasting resources "fighting' climate change because nature always wins. The governments exploit us and our fears and take our prosperity for themselves instead of using it to prepare for changes and challenges. Just look at the ridiculous ways that California is trying to stop the Pacific Coast Highway from getting washed away by the El Nino kelvin waves and king tides and storms. They are spending tens of millions on temporary measures instead of using that time, money, and resources to just freaking move the highway inland. Yeah, that's really hard and people would have to move to allow the road to be built but duh, people are already having to move because their houses and the roads are falling into the sea. We always heard growing up the California was going to fall into the Pacific and we always thought it would be an earthquake but now we see that water is probably going to do it first. Well, I didn't mean to go off on that tangent but I'll leave it here anyway.
(back to our scheduled program)
After I've sufficiently chilled in the night air I like to soak in my giant hot cauldron (huge bathtub), restoring fresh heat into my body, completing a cleansing heat exchange cycle. Sometimes I add the dry heat of the sauna, but that is needed more in the depth of winter. (Also my need for external heat might change with the hormonal adjustments.) We haven't even had a freeze here yet this year. Might get the first this weekend.
I am wishing for another solar storm soon, before the solar cycle goes back to its less active phase. The auroras last year and in 2024 were so beautiful and oddly energizing. Maybe I need another infusion of that kind of solar radiation. I've always felt a bit radioactive. I was born in Oak Ridge after all.
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