Event Horizon

I saw your eyes
And you made me smile
For a little while
I was falling in love
I saw your eyes
And you touched my mind
Although it took a while
I was falling in love
I saw your eyes
And you made me cry
And for a little while
I was falling in love
I was falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

Space Age Love Song by A Flock of Seagulls

Thinking back on my life all my greatest achievements were fueled by delusion. I believed a thing and pursued it hard despite whatever opposing practicalities tried to hinder me, and many times I found enough success to fulfill the delusion and move on to the next. I was never very special. I was just very stubborn and persistent. Someone once called it fortitude. I might call it illusion. Or folly.  

Some of my most impactful relationships have also been based on some delusion of love. And for a little while I was falling in love. Most of them ended in heartbreak and the mental devastation of discovering that it was absolute delusion and completely unattainable. The utter desolation of empty space, the empty darkness of oblivion, indifference is equal to nonexistence (to be forgotten). And you made me cry. I have reached the event horizon of the black hole several times and each time it's a bit harder not to succumb to the irresistible void. Each time I lose another bit of myself to the gravity. And now I am weak and tired and yet I don't want to completely disappear. Not yet.  

In the TV series Game of Thrones the character Melisandre is a centuries old witch or priestess who uses glamour magic connected to a ruby collar necklace. When she takes it off the illusion of youth and beauty and seemingly all of her powers are gone. That's how I feel right now. My glamour magic has faded or been drawn away by the gravitational pull and I don't know if I am able to reach the escape velocity this time. Maybe I will just keep falling, falling into and then through and then out of love and then into whatever lies beyond that event horizon.

Yes, all of this sounds somewhat morose and depressing. No, I'm not going to do anything any more stupid than saying something that I shouldn't. This is just me navigating yet another "dark night of the soul" and narrating the scenery. When my light and loving muses abandon me I have to rely on the dark and sinister ones. (God rest the soul of that one who already fell into the abyss.)