I've been overcome with a sadness the last week or so. I don't know exactly why or what it is about. It just is. I'm trying to take my own advice from the tarot card I created over 20 years ago, part of a tarot deck I got about halfway done and got busy with other life and never finished. Some of the cards I still like but most are kind of bleh. Anyway, sorrow is the theme of the present.
I do know one thing that's added to the feeling. My oldest son told me this morning that he is getting a vasectomy later this month. I know it's his life and his decision and that it is reversable if he changes his mind but it still makes me a little sad. It could be that my already emotionally tender state has made me less adaptable. Maybe I won't ever get to be a grandmother. Maybe it's some kind of generational curse that my bloodline goes extinct. (yeah, very depressing thought but I am beginning to really question the future of the whole human race as so many good people are not reproducing and so many stupid idiots are, but really what do I care anyway since I won't be around too much longer - another depressing thought but mortality is real and if I'm average I might have 20 more years to live; all these dark thoughts bubbling up from the depths of whatever hell I've found)
Wow, there you go. Can't have light without the dark. I am just a little blob of organic matter on a little rock in a small system orbiting a smallish star in its midlife in a galaxy of millions of other stars in an endless universe so what does it matter if I feel sad about anything? (that doesn't really help but it's just attempted verbal exorcism of the demons in my mind) Where did this existential crisis come from?
This too shall pass, I suppose. I'm tired of having to let things go.
