Anti-Hero

And I'm a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart, but never killed...

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift

I'm not a "Swifty" but I do like some of her songs.

This year has been one of the hardest - emotionally and physically - of my adult life. Probably in the top five along with 1997, 1999-2000, 2007-2008. Not that there haven't been rough years since then, especially that weird covid era 2020-2022, but those weren't quite as traumatic to me as this year. 

Much of the pain has been deeply private and unshareable which is part of what makes it so horrible. I am the problem and I am that monster whose heart still beats despite being pierced and broken so many times. 

I just watched the new Netflix Frankenstein movie and the Monster's story really resonated with this whole thing of only wanting to be understood and loved despite being pieced together from discarded scraps, held together by scars, and unnaturally strong and resilient even when fatally wounded. The Monster only wanted companionship and love. His first experience of that was not from his creator but from an old blind man who taught him to read and learn. Then he had to see that first loving person die and be blamed for it, shot and left for dead. But the Monster didn't die. He discovered grief. Then his greatest love who wanted to be his companion gave her life to protect his. This time his grief grew into vengeance and a deep longing for his own death to escape his heartbreak. Eventually he got his revenge and decided to take refuge in the vast empty arctic, as far from people as possible because what else would a monster who is really an anti-hero do? They tried to kill him so many times.   

Maybe most of us have our anti-hero moments. I think I have had a few. I have this Frankenstein arm held together with screws and string. I also have a heart that seems to keep beating no matter how many times it is pierced.

Another monster-turned-anti-hero I feel some affinity with is Darth Vader. This sling I have to wear while my shoulder heals looks a little like something he would wear. Of course his whole body was kept alive by his armored suit and helmet. As much as I might wish I could use The Force to throw my enemies into the abyss I can only take solar radiation to energize and heal and use the wind to carry my wishes and hopes. Rudimentary Force use I suppose lol. I really don't seek revenge or retribution against anyone. I think the universe will take care of that without too much of my effort. Even those who have used me and broken my heart will have God to contend with and not me because like Frankenstein I've retreated for all of our protection.  

Like a wounded dragon I've withdrawn to my lair. Taking refuge. Resting, recuperating. Attended to by only my most trusted allies. Regaining my strength, occasionally breathing some fire and blowing out smoke to signal my presence against intrusion. As part of my healing I feel like I've unwound and detached a parasitic worm from my heart, leaving holes and tears that will be filled and repaired by God's love. I hope that I can clear any poisons that might still circulate through my system. 

Being physically injured and vulnerable puts me in a very self-protective position, and it has shown me who are my true friends, the ones who actually care and are willing to help me even when it's inconvenient. I've noticed and noted the absences. Yes, it's true - love means not keeping score, but Jesus also told us not to cast pearls before swine. It seems I've wasted a fair fortune of pearls on the false hopes that they were going to love. 

I usually try to be goodness and light, but there is a monster inside. We all have that potential. There is a lot of power waiting to be released, but I think I will be the anti-hero and keep it to myself for my own healing, and by doing so spare those who might deserve it some measure of destruction and pain. There has been enough pain. Whatever hollow and temporary victories others might feel from my suffering and misfortune will fade as quick as my next breath. If my pearls were traded as bargaining chips for some brief moment of imaginary peace then let them be crushed into a glittering dust that chokes and sticks.

As Aragorn said in The Return of the King, 

"What you love is but a shadow and a thought."     

Left-handed Path

In spiritual terms the left-hand path is concerned with self-determination and control of outcomes for one's own benefit. It's not necessarily negative, though sometimes people will make it that way. It's considered more morally neutral. There have been times in my life when I leaned toward that path. It is not related to political leftism except that many self-proclaimed leftists are actually very selfish despite claiming to be concerned for the "collective." 

At this time my left-handed path is literal since my right arm is confined to this sling due to the rotator cuff repair on my right shoulder. Typing this with one hand is slow and tedious, but I'm actually getting pretty good at eating and other daily activities with my non-dominant hand. But it's tiring and time-consuming. Everything takes longer. Some things I just cannot do.

I'm having a bad day today. (started writing this on 11-13 but didn't finish until 11-17) Yesterday was great though - felt very energized and I think that was because the November 11 auroras energized me like they did last year. 

This was the third time in about a year and a half that the Northern Lights reached far south enough for us to see them. There were very faint Lights again last night, but nothing spectacular.

Anyway, some conversations Wednesday night left me feeling like my life is built on a house of cards and that several people are wanting to pull theirs out which would make mine collapse. I'm too old and tired to think about that stuff, especially in my current condition which is already struggling with one-handedness. Considering that, it's natural for my thinking to move towards self preservation even if it's uncomfortable to feel like others might feel challenged by my setting boundaries and stating my position. 

There is a lot of giving on my side and that is how I like it, but it's also important to feel appreciated without having to present an inventory of that giving. I don't like feeling like I am holding things over others' heads but I also need to defend my own self and encourage people to recognize what they are getting and how it would affect them to no longer have that. This might sound like narcissistic manipulation according to so much of today's popular psychobabble, but in the same breath those babblers speak of protecting boundaries. Well, as I've discussed in previous posts about negotiations, everything is multi-sided and one side isn't always the "bad guy." Anyway, we all need to have more discussions about these issues instead of making assumptions and hurting our own feelings.

The physical therapy on my shoulder is getting more challenging as more healing time passes. It will be three weeks tomorrow since my surgery. I fear the pain of increased movement because it can mean that it is causing some damage to the repairs, but it's also somewhat expected to have discomfort. It would be nice to know exactly what that threshold is before it's crossed. There also the concern of being overprotective of my shoulder and that causing it to become too stiff and immobile. Currently it still doesn't have the strength and range of motion for me to drive so that's another frustration. 

I had thought that the energetic charge I felt from the auroras had passed quickly last week but over the weekend I felt it again - just a recharged feeling. Perhaps some little extra boost for healing. Maybe this sounds very hokey but I don't really care how it sounds because I've lived long enough to know that some experiences are real even if they sound "unscientific." To the left-handed path what is presented as science is often the most popular current opinions of the collective that aren't actually based on evidence but are confused as fact because more people believe it. The left-handed view says that consensus isn't proof in itself - it is only groupthink. This not to say that there isn't a lot of bunk on all sides all around. But my feeling that massive solar energy striking the planet can cause us to feel something different has been backed up by three seperate experiences. The left hand receives and the right hand gives according to some spiritual practices. Hocum Pocum Abracadabra LOL

Okay I think I'm losing the plot as they say. This is mostly my one-handed attempt to document the current life, as it is.