The heaviness of the heartbreak that can't be shared is becoming unbearable. I don't want to set it down and leave it be because the pain of carrying it is at least something to feel. The emptiness of letting it go might be even more unbearable. I've tried carrying gratitude for all the blessings as a way to offset its weight. Unfortunately, guilt and shame want to jump on too because 'why isn't it enough?'
Maybe the answer is to just collapse under all that burden. Let it all fall down with me. I fear the sorrow won't end. Although all the previous sorrows have healed it has left me weary and scarred and reluctant to endure much more. I am tired. If I fall and drop everything what will I do with the loneliness that remains?
I need practical solutions. All the inner work and prayers and trying to transmute unhappiness into something else have given nothing in the way of real relief. I've been asking God or the Universe to help change my mental and emotional perspectives so that I can be more at peace with what is and what should never be. I've even given God or the Universe a couple of ideas about what might be helpful - I need a grandbaby or a boyfriend - neither of which looks imminent. Both beyond my control. One more practical (and proper) than the other. One that really shouldn't even be asked for but there it is.
I've spent almost 36 years of my life trying to keep a man's attention and begging for my needs to be considered. I don't want more of that in a new package. I need to feel desired and cared for in a way that does not leave me insecure, unsure, and confused. I do not want to feel like I'm a bother or annoying. So, God or the Universe, please take that into account. Maybe what I need is impossible to find. Maybe I'll just have to to find a way to get through the rest of my life keeping the most painful heartbreak hidden deep inside.
