Negotiations Part 4: Discovery and Unfinished Business

As negotiations proceed there is the stage of discovery and verification - which means learning details about each side's position, offerings, problems, concerns, assets, liabilities, aspirations, fears, etc., and where there is unfinished business that needs done before a deal is sealed. Usually unfinished business is part of its own separate complicated negotiation, and it is vital to the future of the negotiations for that unfinished business to be resolved one way or another. How it is completed will determine the direction of the negotiations. It is best to not try to influence those outside negotiations and to wait and see how they go and be ready to pivot your position or withdraw it altogether. It might be necessary to put a time limit on that process. 

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away and know when to run

You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done"

"The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers

   

Secret Heartbreak

The heaviness of the heartbreak that can't be shared is becoming unbearable. I don't want to set it down and leave it be because the pain of carrying it is at least something to feel. The emptiness of letting it go might be even more unbearable. I've tried carrying gratitude for all the blessings as a way to offset its weight. Unfortunately, guilt and shame want to jump on too because 'why isn't it enough?'

Maybe the answer is to just collapse under all that burden. Let it all fall down with me. I fear the sorrow won't end. Although all the previous sorrows have healed it has left me weary and scarred and reluctant to endure much more. I am tired. If I fall and drop everything what will I do with the loneliness that remains?

I need practical solutions. All the inner work and prayers and trying to transmute unhappiness into something else have given nothing in the way of real relief. I've been asking God or the Universe to help change my mental and emotional perspectives so that I can be more at peace with what is and what should never be. I've even given God or the Universe a couple of ideas about what might be helpful - I need a grandbaby or a boyfriend - neither of which looks imminent. Both beyond my control. One more practical (and proper) than the other. One that really shouldn't even be asked for but there it is.

I've spent almost 36 years of my life trying to keep a man's attention and begging for my needs to be considered. I don't want more of that in a new package. I need to feel desired and cared for in a way that does not leave me insecure, unsure, and confused. I do not want to feel like I'm a bother or annoying. So, God or the Universe, please take that into account. Maybe what I need is impossible to find. Maybe I'll just have to to find a way to get through the rest of my life keeping the most painful heartbreak hidden deep inside.