The last 5 weeks have really wrecked me to the roots. First we got devastating news that was going to completely change the whole of reality. It was premature, but there was a long month of worrying and waiting to learn that truth. Along with the worrying and grieving what we thought was going to end, I allowed myself to consider other possible futures that could have been quite happy eventually. I wish I was not so prone to these imaginations and conjectures, but I think this sometimes helps me to get through the hardest times - creating some hope even if it's unrealistic and untenable. It inevitably leads to big disappointment - crash and burn. Of course I'm relieved that the worst news ended up being inaccurate, but do I have to beat myself up for being a little sad about the loss of the potential alternative future?
I had no idea that negotiating karmic passes would be so difficult, complex, and painful. I thought the point of the passes was to lessen those things, especially the pain. But the universe operates by its own rules and we really have to learn to go with it instead of trying so hard to steer and control. It isn't even control though. It's more of a need to be somewhat prepared. I'm questioning the actual benefit of the mindset of being prepared and thinking through the likely possibilities. I mean, when, really, has anything ever really gone the way of any of these speculations? I must be the worst ever at negotiations because I am too attached to certain outcomes and fall into disarray when those become unlikely or even impossible. How did I miss and misinterpret so many clues and details? Why do I jump to conclusions? Maybe it's confirmation bias where I just assume (should never assume but lacking actual detailed information makes it really hard not to) that I am interpreting things correctly. Such a disconnect from the heart to the brain. I am ridiculous.
I honestly do not know if these negotiations are over or just stalled or what. According to TikTok and Instagram I have "anxious attachment" in relationships. It fits the childhood and all the other experiences of feeling insecure and abandoned when I'm not getting enough attention or reassurance. The fear of being too much and wanting too much is part of that too. Over my life I've been rejected for having "unrealistic" expectations and needs. I know that expectations are problematic and I have sometimes been able to release the urge to form them. I want to learn how to accept things as they are and be okay not knowing. But is it too much as ask for some assurance? I think details and information are one of my love languages. I give a lot but also need a lot in return. Well, in this situation I feel restrained, like the universe or whoever I'm negotiating with is not really interested in my hearing all my details and information. I guess if that's the case then maybe there is no real reason to be negotiating at all.
Perhaps right now is not the time to make any final decisions or proclamations. I am still reeling and staggering emotionally from all that's happened in these last 5 weeks. The word trauma is very overused these days but it seems accurate here. I am strong enough to endure and learn even while tender and bruised. Maybe these are some karmic payments for what has been proposed. I just don't know. The Serenity Prayer keeps coming to mind:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." (also the patience to get to that knowing)
"Finish What Ya Started" by Van Halen
"Come on baby, finish what ya started
I'm incomplete, huh
That ain't no way to treat the broken-hearted
I need some sympathy
I like to look at the long run
I like to take each step, one by one
Right on time, you will arrive
By keepin' the dream alive
It's alive
And it's kickin'
Inside of me
So come on baby, please"
