Yesterday on New Year's Day I felt pretty good, but this morning I woke up with some kind of mood hangover (no alcohol involved, just hormonal stuff probably) that has me troubling (ruminating) over how to approach this new year. There is a bit of fear of loss, fear of losing the revival I felt last year. But I'm trying to remind myself that I shouldn't allow myself to depend on outside sources for my happiness or other good feelings. It's just hard to let go of the attachment that comes with something so rare and unexpected and seemingly fated, but now I think I have to face the hard reality that I misread a lot of things and I guess I need to own that and move on without beating myself up about it. I need to find my lane and stick to it.
This year maybe my focus will be releasing control and not trying to influence things with my own intentions. Just mellow out and go with the flow of things that last year put in motion, without trying to steer. Take the path of least resistance. Become like water. And if that flow ends up dumping me on the shore somewhere alone and half dead again I guess, c'est la vie. Release attachments. Release any expectations or even hopes. I don't really like that sound of having "no hopes" but it just means that when you have no expectations or desires then you won't be disappointed. Yeah, that's pessimistic. I will try not to be judgmental about myself and the mistakes I've made and the limerence that has been my fuel. Unrequited is the story of my life. Gosh, I am kind of depressed today. It will pass eventually. I'm just tired of driving. Somebody, Jesus, whoever, take the wheel.
