In My Bubble

 

Today my TikTok "FYP" gave me a couple more words/concepts that I've been trying to think of for a while. Rumination. Meaning overthinking with negative imaginings and beating oneself up with all the ideas, feelings, and thoughts that we've decided are inappropriate, inaccurate, and make us feel stupid, unworthy, and all the other bad stuff we think about ourselves when we allow our minds to decide that all the good things have not been real. I have a tendency to ruminate, but there is a way to try to alleviate it. Embodiment. I've been doing this without really knowing there was a word for it. Whenever I'm feeling down about myself and all the things that my imagination creates seem to be complete misunderstandings of reality, I go to my little "secret" meditation room and start stretching and breathing (my version of yoga) to shift from my thinking mind to my feeling body. I focus on releasing tension from my joints and muscles and feeling the breath in and out. It really does help. It adjusts my thinking from harsh judgmental self-loathing to a more amused acceptance of my foolishness. I laugh at myself. 

I recognize that emotional, intimate loneliness is a root of so much of my dissatisfaction. That is the hard truth. I didn't even know how to define that until I glimpsed an alternate universe and felt some kind of hope. It wasn't really for me but just something I unintentionally intercepted. But I don't want to start ruminating about it again. So I'll just stay in my bubble and try to breath through the fire and weather the storms of emotion. Ultimately I cannot rely on anyone else for my happiness.      

Merry Christmas Eve

I have to say I fucking love this menopause thing. All you gals that are bitching and moaning about it are just not doing it right. LOL I'm a little tipsy but as they say alcohol loosens lips and hips and all the other things so let's just go with it. Whatever this hot flashing fire is that is fueling my life is making everything that much more. Rage, lust, and everything in between. Earlier today I was raging with the most intense anger at Fedex over a lost shipment. I cursed them to death by fire for stealing my package. Hey, fuck around and find out as they say. I've lost the inhibition to only be demure and mindful. Happy Holidays. 

I managed to transmute my fiery rage to a more pleasant feeling. Even if it is only for me and nobody else is around to witness this feat of magical prowess it is what it is. I'm in my full power to harness the heat and burning whatever it is. God I think I am drunk, drunk with power and fire and damn if you think you can handle it then come on show me what you've got.

I am alive. It isn't always easy but I think I'll take this fire fueled life over being dead even with the mood swings and moments of desperate foolishness. I am a fool. Not the old wise woman that I had intended. Swept away in my fantastic imagination. Make it real. 

Yes, I am ridiculous. Gloriously ridiculous in my heat fueled delirium. Menopause is the best. It's puberty with the experience and wisdom of a life well lived and the hopes for the love and passion that make life worth living. 

  

 

Festivus 2024, Airing of Grievances

People are so stupid. It's like they've never actually looked up at the night sky. It's like our education system has completely failed at teaching people the things they actually need to know about the world, the natural world. Like how to tell the difference between stars and planets and airplanes, satellites. And how to use easily available tools to discover what things are before jumping to outlandish conclusions. People, before posting a blurry zoomed in picture of Venus and calling it a "plasmoid" get yourself a night sky app so you won't look like a complete idiot. Get yourself a flight id app and use it before posting every airplane in the sky and claiming it's a UAP. I'm so over all this hoopla about drones and orbs and crap. If the aliens are here I'll have to meet one face to face (or face to whatever they present). 

I feel like we're in that part of the movie Carrie where we're waiting for that blood bucket to drop. We all know it's there, put in place by the assholes, why do some people have to be so mean? 

I woke up with the holiday blues and beating myself up for feeling disappointed in people. No expectations. That is the key to not being disappointed. I know that, but sometimes I forget and make wishes. So I'm aggrieved with myself. That's nothing new. For all the good and happy things of this year I've also had to fight off equally harsh thoughts and feelings and darkness. Equal and opposite is the rule that we can't escape forever. I'm a little tired of that battle of sitting with the darkness and trying to convince it not to dim all the lights. I've sat in that dark place before and let my eyes adjust enough to see that there isn't really anything there that can hurt me other than my own imaginings. But I like the lights and the hopes and the energy that the darkness cannot provide. I'm like a zombie, brought back to life and left to wander in search of whatever it is zombies need. Or maybe I'm some kind of vampire with an eternal longing to live in the light that burns. (none of that sparkly Twilight shit though I'd much rather sparkle like glitter than look like the Baba Yaga I've become) 

Well, so much for all the self-pity and lamentations. I guess I'll have to think of some big feat of strength for the rest of the Festivus observance. Might be that just getting my balance back will take all the strength I can muster today.    

Solar Maximum: Big, Big Energy and Sensory Reset

This year has been so eventful and impactful. I know a lot of people are devastated by the big, unusual recent natural disasters, and I feel terrible for them. I hope that their suffering will ease soon. It's been hard to express my happiness and gratitude without worrying about sounding insensitive to everything that has been lost. However, I do feel compelled to express my appreciation and amazement about all the ways this year has given me new energy and perspectives.

We shouldn't be surprised that the sun's output of extra energy during this period of solar maximum would have multiple layers of effects on us here on Earth. In our human hubris we tend to forget that the sun is the biggest influence on our planet. Sure, we do have some power to cause changes and damage and destruction but that big flaming star that we call the Sun can really put us in our place with its powerful magnifying energy. It amplifies everything with that big energy. The weather events of this year have surely been intensified by the increased solar energy. Maybe humans have also manipulated that equation but that's a topic for another time. 

The way it feels to me is that we are being washed over with a cleansing reset. Sometimes it's necessary for things to get a deep cleaning and sometimes that can be uncomfortable or even painful. Stripping away the old and stagnant stuff creates a fresh new foundation for a sensory reset where we can see things with new perspectives and allow ourselves to shed old tired feelings and ideas and situations. 

One of the biggest resets for me this year has been getting some much needed maintenance and rejuvenation done on my house. I wanted my home to better reflect the love and appreciation that dwells here. This house is almost 24 years old and things were beginning to need attention and looking a little rough. In preparing for this work to be done I've had to do a lot of decluttering and disposing of stuff that no longer needed to take up my space. The house is looking so much better and I almost feel like I've got a new house. I look at these reclaimed spaces and feel so happy and satisfied. I feel very energized. 

I've been taking much better care of my health too and have lost about 40 pounds over the last year and a half or so. That certainly has increased my energy level and improved my mood. I'm still fat but I do feel better. That's just another of so many ways I feel like my senses have been reset. I previously wrote about feeling things that I'd basically given up on ever feeling again. There is a deep wish that these things don't disappear again anytime soon. 

At a holiday gathering with my best friends last night they all remarked about how different I seem now. The weight loss is part of it but they said I just had a glow about me that was new. I joked that it must be menopause and the hormonal stuff that sometimes feels like puberty again and that the hot flashes actually make me feel more alive. Well, they knew that there was more to that than I was saying out loud because they've known me long enough and I guess I don't have a very good poker face. Without giving all the details I had to tell them that indeed some kind of spark has essentially brought me back to life this year. I confessed to them that I had basically been dead for a very long time - more than ten years, probably closer to a dozen. By dead I mean the libido/life force was dead. I had convinced myself that I did not miss it and that it was not something that I'd ever feel again and I was mostly okay about it. The universe had different plans for me. I explained to them that I'm trying to transmute these feelings into a happy appreciation for the feelings themselves and a deep gratitude for their source. I'm so very happy to not be dead anymore. I'm trying not to worry too much about the possible fleeting nature of it all and I'm trying not to create expectations about how everything unfolds. I'm all too aware of boundaries and consequences and all those other barriers to full expression of this resurrection. Using this energy to improve the life I have is my focus but I can't dismiss the attachment and affection I have for the source of this spark. I also consider that it might be entirely made up by my imagination, but even if that is the case the feelings and visceral responses are completely real. The quality of my life is so vastly improved that it's easy to spread that joy regardless. I am happy.

So this year's big energy has truly reset my senses and has even given me new life. It's been a year full of rarities: giant snowstorm, total solar eclipse, Southern Auroras, a fantastic comet, and whatever else this is that has brought me back to life. I will hope it continues but I also want to be able to withstand any contraction of the rare aspects. It's natural to want to cherish what is very rare. My prayer for this next year is that I can continue to thrive in this renewed life while sharing my happiness with all those I love.